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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this sexist or am I being petty? (semi-lighthearted)

55 replies

lilyb84 · 02/12/2016 16:06

DH does this all the time. We see a male health professional - he's a "doctor" (including the awesome male midwife who delivered our ds). We see a female health professional - she's a "nurse", regardless of whether she's actually a doctor, dentist etc.

He's not sexist in any other way whatsoever, in fact is one of the least sexist men I know, but this really gets my goat. Am I being ridiculous or do I need to start some sort of Pavlovian shock therapy to get him to call people by their correct professional title so my blood pressure doesn't go through the roof?!

Incidentally he never actually does this to their face, only when talking about experiences afterwards to me/friends/family. I'm sure a female doctor (or any above examples) would put him bang to rights if he did Grin

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 02/12/2016 17:26

Have you actually asked him why he repeatedly does this?

LagunaBubbles · 02/12/2016 17:27

And saying "Nurse" instead of "Doctor" when it's a female isn't really a slip of the tongue either if it continuously happens.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/12/2016 17:29

Good, keep embarrassing him.

OnionKnight · 02/12/2016 17:31

He sounds a bit dim, a female dentist is a dentist not a nurse.

StrongTeaHotShower · 02/12/2016 17:32

Sounds irritatingly sexist. We let men get away with such casual misogyny in a way we'd never tolerate if it was racism or disablism. Men like this are not stupid. They hold deeply sexist beliefs and should be called out in them.

Mitzimaybe · 02/12/2016 17:32

pigsDOfly: "If he goes on a plane and the pilot is a woman does he conclude that the plane is being flown by a stewardess - or as he'd probably think of them a 'trolley dolly'?"

I have to confess to saying "trolley dolly", e.g. the catering crew on a train. However, I use it to refer to both male and female crew.

MariePoppins · 02/12/2016 17:34

Yes it is sexist.
And yes it does show that internally, he has integrated the sexist view point, even wo really realising it.

steff13 · 02/12/2016 17:34

I can't imagine someone doing this accidentally.

What do you call a midwife, btw? Mr. or Ms. whatever?

WouldHave · 02/12/2016 17:35

So he can manage to call a female doctor a doctor to her face, but not when talking about her to other people? That's really strange.

He needs to stop, because one day he's going to forget and call a female doctor "Nurse." And that could well be the day she forgets to give him an anaesthetic before doing something painful, or decides that she really needs to do an anal probe or prescribe extra strength laxatives ...

pigsDOfly · 02/12/2016 17:40

Sounds to me as if he has trouble with women in positions of power so has to take them down a peg or two in his own head.

He's not going to do it to the woman's face so does it when she's no longer around to pull him up on it.

AwfulSomething · 02/12/2016 17:50

I have enormous respect for nurses, but it can both irritate and amuse me when people assume I am a nurse because I am female and work shifts. No, no another emergency service. And my male friends who are nurses have experienced a range of outdated reactions.

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/12/2016 17:51

I don't really even understand how this works.

So every time you're talking about a healthcare professional, he insists on calling the female a nurse. And he refers to the male midwife as a doctor?

How does this conversation go?

Him: "so when the nurse said..."
You: "doctor"
Him: "oh, yes, so when the nurse said..."
You: "doctor"

Surely after one correction, let alone two, you would get the hang of it. Confused

How can you say he's not sexist - this is a massive insight into his thinking.

watchingthedetectives · 02/12/2016 17:52

You say he is neither dim or sexist OP but your post contradicts this - he is either one or both.

Unfortunately he is not alone, my friend who is an obstetrician admitted a woman in obstructed labour, carried out an emergency section and saw her post op every morning until she was discharged. On the final day the woman said - you've been very nice dear but am I going to see a Dr while I'm in?

EastMidsMummy · 02/12/2016 17:53

Is it sexist to call a doctor a nurse because she is a woman?

Er, yes.

Wineandrosesagain · 02/12/2016 17:55

I confess I can't really understand this. A doctor is a doctor a nurse is a nurse. How does their sex come into the conversation? So he's thinking "I saw a female doctor which equals a nurse"??? But not when he's talking to them, just when he refers to them when talking to other people? What kind of convoluted weird transposition is going on in his head? Why doesn't he just say doctor? Who cares about the sex of the doctor when recounting a medical story, unless it has some relevance, though clearly not here. Sorry he sounds like a right dinosaur who feels embarrassed that the doctor he took advice from is female so he downgrades her to a nurse. You have one seriously sexist husband there. You need to correct him every time, preferably at the exact point when he changes their role to nurse in conversation with someone else. I'd embarrass him by saying "you saw a doctor not a nurse - why do you always change them to nurse if they're female? It is really odd". Makes him look a twat and he might learn that it's not acceptable. One last thought - if you had a daughter who was a doctor would he tell everyone she's a nurse?

quencher · 02/12/2016 17:55

Yup! Ingrained sexism. you can't excuse that one. Hmm

Original poster
lilyb84 · 02/12/2016 17:56

Hmm. The thing is he DOESN'T have a problem with women. At all. He's super respectful and if anything is usually completely blind to someone's sex - he wouldn't ever disparage someone because of it or think less of someone because they're a woman, or hold men in any higher regard. He just doesn't think that way. He has lots of good female friends as well as lots of male friends and treats them equally in practise and when talking about them. This is just the one thing which he does when he's clearly not thinking before he speaks - it's not all the time by any means but he might talk about our son's birth for instance and say 'the doctor' when he's referring of course to the midwife. When I point it out he says "you know what I mean". I think he doesn't realise the ingrained attitude that his mistake exposes or that there's so much power behind words - the words themselves have no weight for him because he doesn't have a sexist attitude in practice. If that makes any sense at all? I guess I need to keep banging on about it when he does it to get it through his head that intentionally or not he is being sexist!!!

For all those commenting on his intellect I think that's a bit low but guess I asked for that really Grin

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 02/12/2016 18:03

But OP, I don't know how that can be the case when he doesn't get it wrong when he is standing in front of these people? It definitely sounds like lazy sexism to me.

steff13 · 02/12/2016 18:05

Here, most babies are delivered by obstetricians, so I could see myself referring to a midwife as a doctor, because that's what I'm used to. It wouldn't have anything to do with the person's sex. I might just unthinkingly say "the doctor," when I meant the midwife. So I could excuse that.

Referring to a doctor as a nurse, though, that's odd.

SapphireStrange · 02/12/2016 18:06

I agree with TheDowager; you'd have to be either thick or stubborn NOT to get it after a couple of times, no?

Mrsmorton · 02/12/2016 18:07

Is he from the 1950s? My DP has a propensity to say these things to wind me up, I genuinely stop talking to him until he has retracted his opinion.

Can't stand idle sexism and misogyny. He sounds like a dick, sorry but it's hugely offensive. Hope he doesn't belittle you OP like he does other women.

WouldHave · 02/12/2016 18:10

Does he perhaps think that the person he's speaking to won't realise that he's talking about a woman when he refers to a doctor? It's still sexist, and potentially even worse that he assumes, subconsciously or otherwise, that others will be equally sexist.

anotheronebitthedust · 02/12/2016 18:58

I just don't understand it. From the examples you've given the jobs seem very different - it seems like such a lot of effort for him to almost delete information he knows must be true e.g. I went to the hospital and had an operation therefore the person I saw must be a doctor,' and then some subconsciously automatically replace it with something he must consciously know to be untrue 'The person who operated on me was female therefore she must be a nurse.' It's just so weird!
Would he say it about other traditionally sex denominated jobs as well, e.g. male secretary/female office boss/female plumber/male teaching assistant?

Apart from anything else, aren't more Dr's female than male now? So his thinking is wrong as well as sexist.

MollyHuaCha · 02/12/2016 19:01

Old fashioned, unnecessary and very sexist. Needs correcting (nicely). Good luck!

Lorelei76 · 02/12/2016 19:18

Molly, harshly than nicely might be better in this particular case.