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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Judgement of 'Young Mums' is getting old! Sod off!

48 replies

Solaris88 · 02/12/2016 09:14

So I'm actually 28, my children are 9 and 3 so I'm not technically 'Young' anymore (Sobs about lost youth will save for another thread) however, I've recently experienced such patronising comments from 2 seperate people, who are both school receptionists! AIBU in taking the moral high ground on this or is it just the norm in today's society?!
For the record, yes I had my first child pretty early on, my second in my mid 20's. I'm proud of the fact that both of my children are well rounded, lovely kids (Obvious opinion!) we have a nice home, our kids want for nothing, we're not on benefits! So why is it that I feel that I constantly have to justify my intelligence or ability to parent to people that have clearly got stereotypical views on young parents, who feel it is acceptable to speak to me with such a condescending attitude that I actually feel my blood boiling?!
I know it's the age old, "Ignore them, move on, they don't know you" etc, but why is it ok for that assumption to be there in the first place?
Surely we shouldn't have to justify our capabilities as a parent based on age in (nearly) 2017?! Am I taking this too personally or should I have slapped them to live up to the stereotype?!

OP posts:

OhhBetty · 02/12/2016 09:20

If it bothers you that much say something.

You sound just as judgemental though. Lots of people who are "on benefits" are perfectly capable of being fantastic parents.

Freesialala · 02/12/2016 09:20

tell them jolly anecdotes about how you gave your newborns sugar lumps and chicken dippers to suck on as you 'didn't know nuffink' and smile sweetly. Being patronised tends to bring out the PA in me.

StarsandSparkles · 02/12/2016 09:22

Im 24 and i have a 1yr old and im on benefits atm it doesnt mean im a shoddy parent by any means. That is unfair to say that people on benefits are somehow less able to parent. Its not all about money its about loving your child and doing your best by them

ageingrunner · 02/12/2016 09:23

Yeah sorry op you're judging people on benefits too. And mothers are constantly judged by everyone for everything they do: being young, being old, working, not working, everything EVERYTHING we do. It's shit but not confined to young mums by any means.

Freesialala · 02/12/2016 09:28

I read it more as the OP is referencing the fact that a lot of people stereotype young mums as being on benefits, only having kids to get council houses, and other ignorant bollocks views.

Original poster

Solaris88 · 02/12/2016 09:28

I never said people on benefits were incapable of being anything other than fantastic parents. I just said we don't receive benefits, my point being that if we were on benefits then maybe I would expect the small minded judgement as that is the norm in this country, a lot of people's views on people on benefits is very prejudicial.
It's expected, as you've just assumed I was having a dig at people on benefits because that's what people do! I'm not.

OP posts:

BabooshkaKate · 02/12/2016 09:29

Meh. You are coming across as very insecure and reactive so if you're the same irl I can kind of understand why you're being treated that way. I find people who are confident and at ease with themselves, even if they're young mums, are taken much more seriously.

It all boils down to how you come across.

Simonneilsbeard · 02/12/2016 09:29

If you feel you constantly have to go prove yourself to people I'd take a closer look at yourself. I had my first child at 19 and I didn't feel the need to prove my intelligence or my ability as a parent..I didn't know anything! I learned and I'm proud of my now 16 year old daughter. I didn't really give a shiny shit
what anyone else thought.
Also I agree with pp..you seem a little judgemental about the benefits thing. Being on benefits or not isn't indicative of what kind of parent you are.

Floisme · 02/12/2016 09:32

As an older mum I am with you up to a point. But you lost me with your comments about benefits and school receptionists.

Allthebestnamesareused · 02/12/2016 09:32

School receptionists judge everyone - younger mothers and older mothers and those in between alike. There is an equality to their judgypantsness. I think you perceive it to be because you are younger than some of the other mothers.

TupsNSups · 02/12/2016 09:32

What was actually said that made you think they were treating you differently because of your age? I personally would not class a 28 year old mother in a primary school setting 'young'.

formerbabe · 02/12/2016 09:33

I had my dc in my mid twenties. I remember chatting to another mum who was the same age as me...I mentioned in conversation something about my flat (which I owned) and she said something which basically assumed I lived in council flat. Another time I was chatting at a baby group about something and another woman just completely assumed I was on benefits (I wasn't). It actually really irritated me...nothing wrong necessarily with living in a council flat or claiming benefits but why just assume that about someone?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/12/2016 09:34

You are coming accross as a bit judgemental yourself OP.

notgivingin789 · 02/12/2016 09:35

I had DS early teens (just 16) I'm now 22. I just get on to it. You can't show people that they effect you.

Mulledspicezoflora · 02/12/2016 09:37

Just ignore them. You can hardly change your age, and they aren't paying your bills

Original poster

Solaris88 · 02/12/2016 09:40

It's amused me how this thread is turning into a who judges who on benefits discussion! Maybe I worded it wrongly so fair enough with the criticism on that one. It wasn't meant that way and without justifying myself further, I would just like to say that I grew up in a single parent family on benefits, my parent worked really hard to be where she is at now so I would never undermine anyone, on benefits. Parent or not.

OP posts:

baconandeggies · 02/12/2016 09:41

Yanbu. There was a thread on here recently where a 20 year old was pregnant and her father had a negative reaction to the news. I was surprised how many people said they would be 'disappointed' if it was their daughter (though wouldn't say it to her face).

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 09:52

28 wouldn't be classed as young in a primary setting so tbh you are probably imagining the slights and are prob projecting your insecurities You need to relax and stop second guessing everyone's intensions.

TupsNSups · 02/12/2016 09:53

I'd still like to know what the comments were to make you think they were speaking down to you due to your age.

Qwertie · 02/12/2016 10:00

I know what you mean OP. I had my first child at 17 and tried to do everything properly; married my not very nice boyfriend, went to work, bought my son start rite shoes ;-) read to him lots, cooked healthy meals...and still the sideways looks and little digs. I'm 36 now & my youngest are 3 & 5, but still find myself bowing and scraping like a teenage mum. You are constantly aware of the stereotypes you are fighting against. All you can do is your best & people will get the message eventually.

HOHOHOvariesBeforeBrovaries · 02/12/2016 10:08

YANBU though, there's still a lot of it. I went back to my old secondary school for my brother and sister's prizegiving day last year, I was 21 and DD was 18 months old (born when I was 19). I saw a few of my old teachers who made a fuss of DD, and then my old science teacher (who was quite openly judging of young parents while I was there) saw me, smiled and walked closer, saw DD and rolled her eyes and said "Oh god", walking off without stopping to talk to me.

If she'd stopped to chat, I could have told her that I'd actually just graduated with a first-class degree and walked straight into a full-time job, but she made her decision on my life based on that one look. It definitely still happens; to suggest it doesn't would be disingenuous.

I've tried to be proactive about it because we'll never change people's opinions by getting angry at them for being prejudiced; all we can do is challenge the prejudices and stereotypes proactively - in my situation, it was by continuing with uni, coming out top of my class and working. I've blogged and been on TV about it, but people will always tell you "You're the exception to the rule".

I can't see how we can trigger such a massive shift in opinion so that people no longer have - and voice - these damaging stereotypes.

IgglePiggleIsDead · 02/12/2016 10:16

I know what you mean OP, I had my son when I was 19 and I'm now 25 and I always feel like I'm battling against a stereotype. I have a nice house, work, I'm in the middle of a degree, my son is doing well at school and is well behaved and polite but I still get snubbed by the other school mums who are all mid 30s, married SAHMs.

Although I'm a single parent as well as being young and we're everything that's wrong with this country dontcha know

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2016 10:23

What have they specifically said, that leads you to believe they're judging you for having your first child fairly young?

Unless you look about 10, I can't imagine why anyone would look at a woman in her very late 20s and think anything at all about her having a 9yr old?

Original poster

Solaris88 · 02/12/2016 10:29

TupsNSups without going into the whole story, both were in regard to my son, he is 3. Initially one made a comment about how he 'had no manners' because he touched something without asking, another time was because he wouldn't allow her to take him in to the classroom without me as he didn't know her, he was late for nursery on that day due to a doctors apt he had over-running, she didn't ask why he was late, she assumed it was because we hadn't got up on time and therefore need to be more 'organised' it's not only what is said, it's the way it's said, spoken down to very clearly. A lot of assumptions being made, that's what riles me. Maybe it isn't an age thing, maybe it's just their way but these stereotypes are common and sometimes you just get a feeling of where something is going. Little digs etc. I wouldn't class myself as a sensitive person, I haven't come home and worried about this and cried myself to sleep in frustration...I just wanted to air my feelings on it as it's most definitely one of my pet hates. Maybe on this subject, I am sensitive, who knows. These aren't isolated incidents, I experienced this a lot with my first when I was considerably younger. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that finds it infuriating though.

OP posts:

TupsNSups · 02/12/2016 10:47

Well your examples still don't explain where your age comes into it.

I had ds1 at 15 and the only time I was ever snubbed was my first and last mother and baby group where a load of women in their mid to late 20's funnily enough sat in the corner in their little group and completely ignored me.

I have never been treat any differently from any other parent when it comes to the school, regardless of my age.

I have now had a child in primary school for the over 15 years and have not seen any of this behaviour towards younger mothers on any level.

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