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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Judgement of 'Young Mums' is getting old! Sod off!

48 replies

Solaris88 · 02/12/2016 09:14

So I'm actually 28, my children are 9 and 3 so I'm not technically 'Young' anymore (Sobs about lost youth will save for another thread) however, I've recently experienced such patronising comments from 2 seperate people, who are both school receptionists! AIBU in taking the moral high ground on this or is it just the norm in today's society?!
For the record, yes I had my first child pretty early on, my second in my mid 20's. I'm proud of the fact that both of my children are well rounded, lovely kids (Obvious opinion!) we have a nice home, our kids want for nothing, we're not on benefits! So why is it that I feel that I constantly have to justify my intelligence or ability to parent to people that have clearly got stereotypical views on young parents, who feel it is acceptable to speak to me with such a condescending attitude that I actually feel my blood boiling?!
I know it's the age old, "Ignore them, move on, they don't know you" etc, but why is it ok for that assumption to be there in the first place?
Surely we shouldn't have to justify our capabilities as a parent based on age in (nearly) 2017?! Am I taking this too personally or should I have slapped them to live up to the stereotype?!

OP posts:

TupsNSups · 02/12/2016 10:47

Not the same child in primary for 15 years, numerous children!

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 10:51

She made a point about you/your DS behaviour at the time. You were late. Your DS was poorly behaved. She made valid points. Nothing judgy about it at all.

Rockpebblestone · 02/12/2016 10:59

Can people really estimate people's age that accurately? I mean we are talking differences of 10 years or less here.

It sounds to me like the receptionist was just being grumpy.

Original poster

Solaris88 · 02/12/2016 11:01

TupsNSups, just because you haven't seen it, means it doesn't happen? Maybe you're just blessed to live in a lovely place where everyone is lovely and there's no judgement in sight.
Also, I take offence to the comment that my son was 'poorly behaved' he's 3 years old, he isn't aware that everything he sees he has to ask permission to touch?! You must know some very perfect 3 year olds.
I asked for opinions, I got an eclectic mix! Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

Yoarchie · 02/12/2016 11:05

I do think you are taking it too personally. People make patronising and irritating comments all the time when you have kids. A woman in the supermarket told me that I shouldn't take my baby down the chilled meat aisle of the supermarket as it was too cold for him. I was 27. It was not as a result of my age, it was as a result of her interfering stupidity and the fact that once you are a mother, people tend to view you as fair game for the stream of shite coming out of their mouths.

Plus as had already been stated, it is very hard to tell a person's age and a guess could easily be up to a decade wrong. Just ignore it and get on with your life.

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2016 11:10

You really haven't given one single example of anyone judging you on your age

Most 3yr olds touch things they shouldn't, no matter how old their parents are.

WRT the assumption you were late due to being disorganised - again there are many parents who fit that bill and their ages differ massively.

A polite, "Hi, sorry we're late but the appointment overran", would have saved any confusion anyway.

ChocolateForAll · 02/12/2016 11:12

I can't see how your age has anything to do with what she said.

snorfully · 02/12/2016 11:17

YANBU. I remember this. Comments like "You are very young aren't you" from various parents and teachers etc as they dismissed my opinion.
Or being told how I was "managing so well" ??

I don't get this with my younger ones. SOB

Pick your battles, most times I just ignored. The odd time when feeling particularly moody, or needed to get past the preconceptions to get taken seriously I would challenge it.

Pagwatch · 02/12/2016 11:18

I think you might be assuming that people are patronising you because of your age.
28 isn't that young to have children. Your examples regarding your 3 year old don't seem to reflect a judgement upon your age at all.

Original poster

Solaris88 · 02/12/2016 11:20

I will make sure I provide both school receptionists with extra special Christmas cards this year, by way of a discreet apology for my overly sensitive self.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 02/12/2016 11:27

But at 28 it's not unsual to have a 3yr old the nursery might have assumed whatever but you didn't say why you were late it has nothing to do with your age you have to let this go . Once upon a time I was a young mum (21) and I looked about 15 but I never felt judged because of my age or benefit s we were on working benefits you need to try and change your mindset op. Or stop reading about broken benefits Britain and other such tosh

MrsJayy · 02/12/2016 11:29

I'm now 45 with adult kids it's fab

EveOnline2016 · 02/12/2016 11:31

I was pregnant with ds when I was 19 and he has ASD and I have had nothing but praise < don't know why> how can a 20 year old deal with child with ASD.

I was pregnant with dd when 23 and people thought I was mad to have another child when ds had very complex needs.

aintnothinbutagstring · 02/12/2016 11:41

Our school receptionists have all been really lovely, was actually quite sad when the last one left as she run an extra curricular club which my dd went to. Seems that they seem to be getting the same reputation as doctor's receptionists who to be fair have to put up with a lot of shit. Back to original post, sorry you feel judged, I was also a young mum, luckily now I have wrinkles and generally look more 'mature' at the grand old age of 31, people don't judge very often. Actually I tend to get on more with the older mothers than I do the younger ones as they're more chilled.

Cherryskypie · 02/12/2016 11:44

If you're 28 and the comments were about your 3 year old, have you considered the possibility that your school just has cunty receptionists and this isn't age related?

rightsofwomen · 02/12/2016 11:46

I think you are just choosing to assume they are making judgements about your age.

whatithink · 02/12/2016 11:48

I had my kids at 41. It seemed when I was pregnant it was all about knocking older mums in the press, and all the extra pressure they put on the NHS. A few years later it was obese mums. Clearly it now the turn of younger mums. Don't sweat it.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/12/2016 11:51

I had ds(12) at 35, but I still find nursery staff, school office staff etc talk patronisingly to parents, or maybe don't think before they say something but I'm well ancient enough to ignore it and/or patronise them back.

Unless they have made a specific "young mother" comment I think you are putting in your own interpretation.

raspberryblush23 · 02/12/2016 12:06

I do get what you mean OP, benefits comments aside ( I know it wasn't meant the way it was taken). I had DS at 21, I didn't feel young at all but I think HCP did have a certain attitude towards me. I'm now 29 and had DD last year, and I definitely think HCP's treated me better as I was older. In fact I was referred to perinatal services whilst pregnant with DD and the staff basically said 'yes it's better that your a bit older now'. I think though you just need to ignore them and concentrate on yourself and your family. I don't have a link but there is a Young Motherhood project that's worth taking a look at.

Boomerwang · 02/12/2016 12:16

Just had to say I was quite sure I understood your comment in the OP about the benefits by the context in which you placed it and I reckon most other people did too, just they wanted to show off to everybody about how pc their views are.

OP I'm surprised you get this treatment at the age of 28. I don't think I'd cast my thoughts towards your age when your first child was born, I'd be considering only what I knew of you now, and 28 is not young. Neither is 19, frankly.

I thought I was terribly old at the age of 32 and had a panic baby (whom I love dearly and really wanted anyway) but I'm seeing things in a new light now since that's only 4 years older than yourself and if you were considered young then I was worrying about nothing.

PacificDogwod · 02/12/2016 12:21

Ach, people judge, so what.
They judge on all sort so of things, young mums, old mums (I am the oldest mum at the school gate ), benefits, showing off their wealth, poorly dressed, too show-offy dressed - whatever.
Gossips will always find something to talk about.

Chill and unclench.

If you are happy and relaxed with your life, what somebody else says or thinks about ought to not get under your skin all that much. You sound a bit defensive tbh.

LadyBunnyFluff · 02/12/2016 12:29

I used to work with teenage mums, you should hear the grief they get even when doing brilliantly. I think it's unlikely they're judging you on your age however it doesn't stop them being judgemental and hurtful.

Simonneilsbeard · 04/12/2016 11:39

Definitely think is a school receptionist issue. I was unmarried and split from the father of my dcs, despite telling them on numerous occasions that I wasn't married the receptions continued to refer to me as Mrs ex'slastname! Once or twice is a mistake, fair enough but when it goes on for years I started to take it as a personal dig at the fact that I wasn't married. Perhaps that was my own hang up.

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