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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said fuck that for a game of (Christmas) soldiers!!

75 replies

MadHattersWineParty · 01/12/2016 22:57

And to be drinking wine Wine

Because I just had the pleasure of telling my mother that I will not be coming home to be insulted and belittled this Christmas!

My parents are divorced, I now live 150 miles from where I grew up and it's her 'turn' to host Christmas. I say host in the loosest sense, as last time;

She left all the shopping until 3pm on Christmas Eve, (no time/money constraints, she thought it would be funny) and came home with a small chicken that probably didn't get one ounce of enjoyment out of its short miserable life, and then in death was supposed to feed 8 people. Hardly any trimmings. I've had more filling meals in hospital.

One bottle of wine so I didn't 'go silly'. I brought my own secret one too

My brothers and I were in fits of giggles over Gavin and Stacey Christmas special but apparently I was laughing too loud and shouldn't have had another Baileys and should excuse myself to lie down.

She said my lovely new Christmas dress was 'inappropriate' and 'try-hard' and a bit 'young' as it showed a tiny amount of cleavage. Like really tiny. I'm a 32B FFS Confused

She struggles with cooking, she hates it, she's crap at it, she complains the whole time she's doing it. I really enjoy it and find it weirdly relaxing (it's the timings and precision! I like things like that!) but she wouldn't let me do anything, as 'I'd only be doing it to show off to everyone'.

When I said I was meeting a few old school friends for a few Christmas Eve drinks, she said 'shouldn't think you've got much in common with them now, they've got husbands and children and you've never even got anyone to propose to you!'

This is a Christmassy picture of what she's like but she's not very nice to me the rest of the time either, but I limit contact so it's not a problem. So today I rang and told her me and DP are having our own Christmas in our little flat. She's NOT HAPPY. How dare I ruin her 'turn' at family Christmas?! I am selfish, inconsiderate and rude, apparently. It's stupid as I'm 30 so don't need to do these 'turns' anymore anyway- last year we were at DP's Dad's when technically it should have been my Dad's turn.

Well, it might sound mean but I couldn't give a toss right now that'll be the Rioja

OP posts:
ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 02/12/2016 11:52

Good for you! Life is too short.

bluebeck · 02/12/2016 11:53

YANBU she sounds like a treat!

At 30 I think you can safely say you are old enough to decide where you spend Christmas Xmas Grin

Original poster
MadHattersWineParty · 02/12/2016 13:40

I do wonder about NPD. Maybe I should do some reading.

I do think about going NC a lot but she honestly would have no idea why, she'd just think I was being dramatic.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/12/2016 13:45

She's a vicious cunt. Get over to the Stately Homes threads. She is toxic.

user1470997562 · 02/12/2016 14:07

I think when you have a parent like this there comes a time when you have to stop trying to please them (you never will) and please yourself.

You deserve to have a lovely Christmas this year - enjoy it. And don't feel guilty.

Original poster
MadHattersWineParty · 02/12/2016 17:45

Indeed, it does make me sad though. If DP and I do get married (and the reason we haven't is not because he wants to be able to 'get out easily when he realises what I'm like' like my mum says, it's because we are trying to have some money behind us first) I guess she'll have to play some part in my wedding day as my brothers would be upset if she didn't but I just think she'll end up saying something horrible about my dress or hair or what she said at my graduation ceremony- that I was 'making the day all about me'Confused

Will have a look at Stately Homes, I always thought she wasn't quite bad enough to be discussed on there, she is so clever at making me wonder if she's just having a big joke and I'm over-sensitive!

Really looking forward to Christmas and just being relaxed and not feeling shit about myself the whole time!

Thanks for the replies everyone.

OP posts:
mrscarrotironfoundersson · 02/12/2016 17:58

MadHatters, your could be my best friend, she's had the exact problem with her family dynamic all her life. She's now NC with her mother, and her relationship with brothers improves weekly as they become aware to her manipulations.

My friend is quite academic and has enjoyed researching the psychology behind her mother, its helped explain her feelings and validated why they are now NC.

NC1nightstand · 02/12/2016 18:27

Please please have the Christmas you want. It will be fantastic for you and hopefully your mother will begin to understand that her ability to manipulate you is over.

thisisafakename · 02/12/2016 18:43

and the reason we haven't is not because he wants to be able to 'get out easily when he realises what I'm like'

Oh my god, she's just horrible. Seriously, even if she thinks you're being overly dramatic, I would cut contact with her. Narcissists will never accept that their behaviour is wrong, so she will never get it, but at least you will have a peaceful life. Maybe write a diary with notes of all the times she makes comments like this and when you look at it, you will see the extent of the problem. It's definitely not normal for a mum to be treating her daughter like this. She has a problem and you deserve better.

WLF46 · 02/12/2016 18:50

Merry Xmas! Sounds like it will be a good one in your household. Sometimes it takes a "shock" like you've given your mother for someone to see that they can't take others for granted. Perhaps she'll learn from it, perhaps not. But if you're 30 and have your own partner and own flat, I don't think many people could begrudge you having your own Christmas this year! Just be prepared for prolonged hysterics and/or emotional blackmail to try to make you change your mind... don't though. Either way, I doubt she will let you forget your so-called "betrayal" of Christmas 2016, so make sure you enjoy yourself. You'll be hearing about it for a long time to come, in an overly-dramatic kind of way.

CoraPirbright · 02/12/2016 19:43

I guess she'll have to play some part in my wedding day as my brothers would be upset if she didn't

Do your brothers really not see what she is like? Do they not tell her not to be such a mega-bitch to you (they should). Or does she only dig at you when they are not around to witness it? Are they married? What is she like to her DILS if so?

As an aside, you sound lovely and terrifically well adjusted given your utter horror of a mother. Xmas Smile

user1470997562 · 02/12/2016 21:46

Op - there is a picture of my dm at my wedding having a right old laugh with my SIL (now thankfully divorced and gone from extended family) at my hair.

I remember them laughing at me on my wedding day. And the photographer must've thought, they look like they're having a good time, I'll take a picture.

But I keep it in the album. To remind me, never to feel sorry for this witch of a woman, when she's sobbing down the phone (because I haven't dropped everything to serve her).

It's a big turning point to recognise you drew the short straw. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change her. But you don't need to have a miserable life because of it. Start setting up your boundaries. This is a great first one - we're having Xmas at home this year (whatever emotional blackmail she throws).

Original poster
MadHattersWineParty · 02/12/2016 22:38

Oh user that's terrible. How dare they!! I bet your hair looked bloody lovely aswell.

Cora my brothers generally sort of toe the kind and my mum dotes on them so it's win-win for them generally. They sometimes say they wish mum and I would 'patch things up'. They're younger and when I was growing up I think a lot of it went over their heads.

My mum does have a DIL! My younger brother got married a couple of years ago. Don't think there's any issues there though. My SIL is very shy really. Mum has always been very nice about her. It's just me she hates Blush

OP posts:
Mommy03 · 03/12/2016 02:38

Enjoy ur Xmas in "Your little flat" have an extra bottle to toast your ur success of Xmas dinner done to perfection while you smile at there baked beans x

BoboBunnyH0p · 03/12/2016 06:45

OP sounds like you will have an amazing Christmas. With any luck your mum will be so annoyed about your actions that she will go NC with you for a least a few months.
Since we had DCs we no longer do turn taking and stay home.

glueandstick · 03/12/2016 07:08

The comments about alcohol made me laugh. Dear me there are some people who need to lighten up.

Have a fabulous Christmas (With a whole crate of necessary!) and do not worry. Life is too short for people like your mother. Best way to beat them is to be happy- it drives them nuts!

Squiff85 · 03/12/2016 07:21

I don't blame you, enjoy your Christmas with DP! xx

BadToTheBone · 03/12/2016 07:23

Silverypussycat you have Yorkshire with your Christmas dinner? I'm in the NE and I don't know anyone who does that!

CheshireDing · 03/12/2016 07:40

Enjoy your Christmas OP. Definitely don't spend it with someone who is horrid to you (just because she is your Mum). Good on you.

Bugger inviting her to your wedding too, if you got married abroad in secret at least she wouldn't be there to spoil it for you?

The bit about the chicken made me laugh Grin

Insabbathstheatre · 03/12/2016 07:43

Sounds like my mother! My brother is treated very differently! I did go NC at your age and after 10 years, moving 150 miles and having 2 DC she did contact me and she is a bit better (or I tolerate it better - or rather now find her behaviour amusing). She treats one of my DCs like she treated me and the other like my DB! After staying with her for a week, DS1 (who is the one similar to me) moaned on the car journey home about her behaviour - I told him he had 5 days with her - I'd had 18 years living with her. DS1 said 'I'm so sorry for you Mum!'. Despite being 'the special one' DS2 (and my DB / DF / et al !!) is of the same opinion. I think perhaps she knows I don't care and live by my rules so she can't 'get to me' - but whatever she has definitely mellowed.
Be strong ! 🍗

TheBruteSquad · 03/12/2016 07:47

I like baked beans with my Christmas dinner.

It's a family tradition in our household - my uncle loved baked beans as a child, he wanted them with every meal, even Sunday roast. My Grandmother said no, but at Christmas she would concede. And it's just stuck now.

misses point of thread

Insabbathstheatre · 03/12/2016 07:59

Should add DM wasn't at my wedding (but there was only two friends at my wedding) - for me it was a perfect day! I also love cooking (unlike DM - who also doesn't like to provide enough food!!) and our DM free Christmas's for over 20 years have been fantastic!!
Be strong! 🍾

Scorbus · 03/12/2016 07:59

I have a bird feeder and National Trust membership is my new favourite MN phrase!

Well done for standing up to her OP

Carneddai · 03/12/2016 08:31

Well done op for standing up for yourself but I do think you beed to explain to dm why you're not going. Maybe it'll give her a chance to reflect and change for the future?

CoraPirbright · 03/12/2016 08:37

Oh OP she sounds utterly appalling. I am so sorry. Wishing you the best Christmas with all the most delicious trimmings! Xmas Smile

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