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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do we tell 4.8 year old about bio dad

29 replies

HowDoYouExplainThis · 01/12/2016 22:33

DS is 5 next year.

DP is not his bio dad but is of our youngest

Bio dad was nearly 40 when we met, I was 18 he lied about his age. DS was conceived through one of 3 rapes. He threatened to kill us both and was violent, a drunk and on drugs.

We went through court after a while he stopped paying for the contact centre and the case was closed. Despite that he's been served with police harassment warnings, court undertakings for non-molestation, the case about the rape was dropped and never made it to court.

We obviously need to tell him about his bio dad, but even writing this makes me feel physically ill. I want DP to tell him until I know for sure I can handle it better.

Would something like this go okay?

"when I met your mummy you were little like ds2, and I choose to love you and your mummy so we could be a happy family together. DS2 was a present to mummy from me, and although I didn't give you to mummy I love you just as much as I love ds2 and that will never change"

He has a bit of an issue understanding even basic explanations/instructions so I'm pretty sure he won't understand but the school is helping with that.

Does that sound ok? When would you tell him? I obviously can't never tell him but it's extremely painful

OP posts:

cheekyfunkymonkey · 01/12/2016 22:39

No answers but bump

I'm sure there must be age appropriate books to read first and be a basis for the conversation?

JustHappy3 · 01/12/2016 22:40

There's an awful lot of you, your dp and his brother in that explanation. And not much about him tbh.
Why don't you move this to the adoption board? People over there used to having to explain these kind of things and can also point you at some useful reading. I'm a newbie so haven't much to offer at this stage other than to say there are people on there who could really help you.

JellyBelli · 01/12/2016 22:41

At his age you just tell him he isnt around any more, but that DH wanted him for his own child.
He doesn't need to hear any of the violent details from you. when he is older tell him 'sometimes people who are not very nice have children. Your biological father is not very nice, thats why we dont see him.'

ladyjadey · 01/12/2016 22:46

Argh. Tough. Not the same but similar here. DP and I each have 2 DC, 4 in total. DD4 is not DPs bio DD but brought her up from a few months old, to her he is daddy. She has never known bio dad who saw her once from birth and didn't bother after. No contact since.

She was around the same age when we had a chat. I explained that DP met us when she was a tiny baby and she didn't have a daddy then, but he loved us and decided to be her daddy and that is very special. I explained that he chose to be her daddy rather than it just happening and that he is going to adopt her and be her daddy forever.

She accepts this without question and so do the other 3 DC.

What's more important to us is that I haven't actually mentioned bio dad, and don't feel we need to as things stand. She doesn't need anything else, she has her daddy without feeling rejected or different.

I hope that helps, it's not an easy subject. I spoke to a friend who had adopted and she told me there are lots of lovely books that can help with this issue,mi know it's not quite the same but the principle is.

PenguinsAreAce · 01/12/2016 22:47

You need expert advice on this one, not just random MN. Agree adoption board might help. It can be really damaging growing up knowing someone you share 50% of your genetics with was violent towards someone else you love. Identity and all that. Less of an issue with a little one where you are unlikely to say much. Tricky with teenagers.

Original poster

HowDoYouExplainThis · 01/12/2016 22:53

Obviously I won't tell him about that to many many years down the line only if he asks. I thought that was a given. What I put in quotation marks was going to be the thing DP said to him.

Lady Thank you! That really helps and that is really useful!

OP posts:

lifetothefull · 01/12/2016 22:56

love your explanation ladyjadey.

Blink1982 · 01/12/2016 22:58

Lady's response is great. I think u should avoid mentioning bio dad's existence at all, and go with lady's version.

ValaMalDoran · 01/12/2016 22:59

I like lady's way that he chose you both and he loves you both and he wanted to be there for you both. You don't need to mention abusive ex at all. That's a conversation for much much later.

Crunchymum · 01/12/2016 23:00

Why do you need to tell him right now? If he has issues understanding more basic stuff?

ValaMalDoran · 01/12/2016 23:01

This bit is all you need tbh

"when I met your mummy you were little like ds2, and I choose to love you and your mummy so we could be a happy family together"

The ds2 was a present is confusing and not needed imo.

Crunchymum · 01/12/2016 23:02

Sorry that sounds a bit harsh but has anything prompted you and your DP go disclose the info?

Original poster

HowDoYouExplainThis · 01/12/2016 23:02

crunchy because he needs to know! He's in school now they do a lot of things about parents, the longer I put it off the harder it is going to be! Plus the younger he is the more 'normal' it'll be as he grows up

OP posts:

LeilaB123 · 01/12/2016 23:04

I have adopted children and they are at an age where we are having to explain in drips and age appropriately, about their birth parents. Its not easy. Some of the details are not nice at all. But at this stage (they are all 7 and under) we just use very simple language . We tend to say things such as " sometimes, children are born to parents/a mum/ a dad (as appropriate) who don't know how to care for them and who are not good people who can't keep them safe. And babies and children need kind, good people to keep them safe and give them love - so some children like you, don't see their birth parents / mum / dad. But that's ok because you have me and your daddy (your partner) to love you and keep you safe forever" .....Things you need to avoid are discussing things which may cause a jump in their thinking. I.e. saying someone wasn't well when referring to drug use, may make them think that when ever you aren't well they need to worry. In your case, I would avoid saying things like he was angry or violent for now as there's no need to scare them. It IS very very tricky but children are surprisingly accepting and resilient. The important thing is to make sure it is an open topic for conversation as they grow up - so that they can come to you with any questions or concerns. For now, a little bit of info is all that is needed and probably all will want. I would advise maybe speaking to a social worker or a charity or an adoption agency - someone professional in this area. They may even have some resources they can recommend to make explaining a bit easier. Good luck and try not to worry. You sound like you are an amazing Mum.

ladyjadey · 01/12/2016 23:05

Thanks all. I'm quite surprised! I found it really hard at the time as I knew I had to tell her something, but what, when and how much to say was hard to work out.

I'm sure we will have other bridges to cross in years to come but right now all is well and we are happy.

Best wishes to you OP xxx

rollonthesummer · 01/12/2016 23:09

That explanation from Lady is perfect. There never is a 'right' time but I think you're being sensible doing it now.

A friend ended up in a horrible situation because they never could find the right time. At 15, the son overheard a conversation he shouldn't have done and confronted his mum about it. She told him everything about his biological dad then. What hurt him the most is that everyone else had known- friends, grandparents, family etc and kept it from him for years. He ran away from home and they have a very strained relationship now :(

Original poster

HowDoYouExplainThis · 01/12/2016 23:15

roll exactly, I'd rather not have something that looks like a EastEnders script happen between us

OP posts:

PoundingTheStreets · 01/12/2016 23:43

My DC were about 5 when I met DP, 6 before he became a significant part of their lives; 7 by the time he became a step father rather than just my DP. I had questions about their bio father before DP came along. Bio father has had sporadic contact (think 3-4x per year, with 18-24-month gaps at times) since their birth. I left him when they were 4 months old (DTs) due to abuse.

My DC have no problem accepting they have a bio dad and a step dad. They love their step dad and tend to refer to him as their real dad to friends, school, etc though they are perfectly aware of the distinction. In their eyes dad is as dad does IYSWIM.

I have told my DC the truth about their bio dad. It does them no good to 'protect' them by hiding the truth. Far better they know it from the start so that their acceptance and expectations are managed, albeit in an age-appropriate way. For example, they know that their bio father and I did not get on well and that I felt he did not treat me very well. They know that there are concerns about their bio father being able to look after them to a high enough standard.

They also know that despite his failings as a partner/father, their bio father had many admirable traits (e.g. sense of humour, ability to fix things, strength of an ox). DC need to know that they haven't inherited 'bad genes'. I have told them that their bio father is a bit like a cake. All the ingredients were top quality. Unfortunately, the recipe wasn't followed with enough care. Their bio father's own parents did not provide a happy, stable childhood and as a result their father never learned how to be a good partner and father. That doesn't excuse bad behaviour as each person is responsible for their actions, but it is an explanation. It is my job, now along with DP, as the parents who look after them, to provide that good recipe. So with their bio father's good genes (e.g. healthy body, sharp mind), and our mixing of he recipe, the end result should be delicious.

Seems to work in our house. Good luck OP.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/12/2016 23:49

I'm not an expert but I would agree with those saying not to mention the violent abusive "dad" as he will be very torn between wanting to love and know his dad and knowing he has assaulted his mother. Plus he will think that half of him could develop into an abusive monster and that is terrifying.

If it comes to it, in years to come, can't you just say how you didn't make each other happy and you're far happier with DP?

Original poster

HowDoYouExplainThis · 02/12/2016 00:17

I've already said I'm obviously not going to tell a 4 year old about how violent his father was!

OP posts:

JustSpeakSense · 02/12/2016 13:56

I agree with not mentioning bio father's existence at the moment.

Just that when daddy met us you were a tiny baby, and because you didn't have a daddy and he loved you so much he wanted to be your daddy. And that we are lucky to have daddy and new sibling, just as they are lucky to have us.

He will ask about bio dad at some point when he's older, but you have time to prepare your response.

Inthenick · 02/12/2016 13:59

Tell him that DH wasn't there when he was born but met you and him when he (Ds) was a baby and fell in love with you both and asked if he could be your daddy. So you all became a family and then sibling came and joined the family too.

unicornpoopoop · 02/12/2016 14:04

I would be sure to tell him as soon as possible.

My non bio son has always known that he had another parent. I think so many people are hung up on when the right age is, that there never is a right age.

If they've always known, then it's just easily accepted by them.

OlennasWimple · 02/12/2016 14:15

Good luck, OP. We are "lucky" in that our adopted DC has alway known she is adopted, so we have never had to introduce the issue to her. She does, however, seem to have a much better grasp of the fact that I am not her bio mum compared to DH not being her bio dad - I think because it's easy to talk about her not being in my tummy, but their understanding of a man's role in their biology is somewhat limited at that age... So don't be surprised if DS doesn't really understand the implications of what you are telling him at first - and be prepared to have this conversation in various forms many times over (usually DD wants to bring it up at really inopportune moments, like at the theatre waiting for a show to start )

TeenAndTween · 02/12/2016 14:23

I'm an adopter.

I agree you must tell him your DH isn't his bio Dad, and the simpler wordings above look OK. You will need to keep re-enforcing this for a while as a tell-once won't be enough. e.g. Have you got a photo you could put up of when you first introduced them?
Agree probably don't need to mention bio Dad yet.
As and when you do mention bio Dad, start very simply with 'XXX put his seed into me, but we realised we don't really get on so that's why we don't see him'
Over time you can move to saying bio dad was an angry man who had never learned how to control his temper. Full details only probably late teens.
May need to re-inforce that 'bad' aspects of bio Dad won't come out in your DC as you are teaching him how to manage his emotions properly etc (was at times a massive concern for my DC1)

Well done for not burying your head in the sand about this.

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