To think those who have overcome infertility should be more mindful of those still struggling?

[Pinkheels]

Appreciate the words overcoming/struggling don't quite capture the sheer shittiness of infertility but here goes!

Hi everyone, I'm pinkheels and I've been trying to conceive for the last 4 years. 3 failed IVF cycles later, and partway theough my 4th (and most likely last) I've relied on the absolutely incredible support of some of the most fantastic women on here. I guess like most things in life, if you haven't gone through something then you don't quite appreciate how difficult it may be. I've lost count of the times people have made glib comments about how I should just relax, how their neighbours best friends nephews cousin's wife's twice removed took a magical supplement and is now pregnant, how stress won't get me anywhere, and how if it all fails I can "just" adopt. I get the fact that not everyone understands the pain, the struggle to pretend everything is ok, the heartbreak of repeated failure time after time, the incredible cost, the indignity, etc etc. if anything I've made my peace with that but, a big BUT, I see people who have gone through the same difficulties, who are lucky enough to become pregnant, suddenly become like everyone else, who lose all sense of empathy and sensitivity, who over share their pregnancy details, who seem to think their way is the only way, and feel entitled to pass judgement/give advice. I know I'm probably coming across as bitter or jealous (which I can genuinely say I'm not) but I do think those who have been through it should perhaps have a little more sensitivity and perhaps appreciate their stealth boasts belong to the pregnancy threads rather than the infertility ones.

I agree with you Pinkheels. The barren ghetto isn't the place to share scan pictures or cravings or morning sickness or anything really about a normal pregnancy. It's not about not being welcome to share it, it's about why would you WANT to share all your "pregnancy woes"?! Talk about whining about your too tight diamond shoes. Since FET worked I've definitely posted less - and when I do it's about others and not me me me. When you're in the midst of the barren battle you need to let off steam and indulge in AFM posts; if and when you've got 2 lines that changes - - -and that's okay! 'It only okay but the correct way to behave! Chip in, be supportive, a quick update if asked, but a running commentary is NOT appropriate. Yes the early days and weeks after a bfp are a limbo but boo fucking hoo you know? being in post bfp limbo land is a million times better than being un-pregnant and barren.

Hi OP - on balance I agree with you. Once you are pregnant after infertility, you need to bugger off to an ante-natal thread and overshare there. However, it is nice to hear from old MNers you've been in touch with just dropping in to say hi and that they are thinking about us.

I got pregnant with first round of IVF and I think I was so overwhelmed and surprised that I was a bit of a tit about it and rather insensitive. I then gave birth to my son at 20 weeks because the fucking hospital didn't do their job properly and my son died shortly after delivery. My 2nd round of IVF failed. I've definitely learned my lesson!

Some really thought provoking responses on here, it's reassured me that perhaps not everyone is a dickhead! (In no way calling anyone who is happy about their pregnancy boasting, I think what I was trying to get across was that people who discuss the minutiae of pregnancy on an infertility thread called "failure stories" need to find some tact. I used to enjoy posting on the infertility threads as a way of venting/sharing the shittiness with people who understood and who were in the same position but now it feels perhaps chock full of "baby dust"/"you ok hun"/daily pregnancy updates. Congrats and best of luck to all those escaping the barren ghetto but complaining about your pinching diamond shoes (great metaphor icy) just seems a step too far.

AgainPlease, I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. Wishing you all the best. Xx

I think what I was trying to get across was that people who discuss the minutiae of pregnancy on an infertility thread called "failure stories" need to find some tact.

pink if you have an issue with people on failure stories, surely you're better tacking it with them either by pm or actually on the thread?

Just to add to this. There is a pregnancy after infertility thread so there is somewhere for those lucky ones to go to.

And I've also really struggled on the infertility boards recently- there has been a lot of pregnancies (not me) and more pregnancy talk than I would want to see there. I've also had to step back from some of those threads as they have turned into pregnancy update threads. (Wishing those women well but as there is literally nowhere else for me to go and unload it is a bit hard)

As a lurker on those boards I don't disagree that it hard reading about people's pregnancies but I don't like how this thread is effectively moaning about those posters behind their backs.

Sometimes stress and worry about TTC can hinder getting pregnant. I believe it's only a small percentage.

My cousin adopted her little boy and she was extremely happy and wasn't planning anymore it was a shock she had an unplanned pregnancy.

Op I can understand your frustration but I don't think people share success stories to gloat, but to offer hope that it does work.

No I wouldn't read it that way purple. I think any person who graduates off the infertility boards is absolutely amazing and has most definitely gone through some very very tough times to get there. I think there is a little sensitivity because there has been a noticeable baby streak recently (which is great) which I haven't seen before in the past year I've been posting. I think we all wish them the absolute best (I want to join them on a pregnancy board one day!), I think the op was more about general life and not that board.

eve people sharing success stories have no idea of your gynae history. Their experience very likely has bugger all to do with mine. It's not helpful and I feel I have to be smily and positive to them when I just don't want to talk about it at all.

People do not need to be helpful or offer hope.

I agree with purple. I keep getting these "hopeful" stories of women who got pregnant after an IVF or adoption. Our issue is male factor and the former success is prob in someone with female factor and the latter a complete fluke (lots of people who adopt never have bio kinds). My teeth grind during these stories even though the person telling them means well. There are some docs online which describe what not to say to someone who is experiencing infertility- I wish I could send them to about half of my friends!

If a group of mums were on a thread about trying to get their kids into a good school in the area, some will succeed and some will not. Of course no one who doesn't get through begrudges those who did. But it would be considered very crass if those mums then posted ongoing updates about how happy their children were at the school - whilst everyone else was left behind and having a tough time. Very poor analogy, but you would expect the mums in the new school to post about their new school adventures in their own thread, and show some sensitivity about their having moved on whilst others failed

I started the pregnancy after infertility thread because when I was pregnant I wanted a safe space to be able to share the experience with like minded women. I didn't feel I fitted in with the normal preggos on the pregnancy boards, who didn't have post IVF PTSD and seemed to be excited about being pregnant and not crushed with horrific anxiety every waking minute about it all going wrong. And obvs pregnancy chat didn't belong on my infertility threads.

I had to leave the thread when I miscarried - but I am so pleased that there is a safe space for ex barrens. The barren ghetto should also be a safe space for women who are falling down the snakes, rather than climbing the ladders. I hope that everyone in the barren ghetto gets to graduate to the pregnancy boards. I hope to be one of them one day! But I hope that there can continue to be a place of refuge from baby dust for those of us still soldiering on

Eve that is wonderful news for your cousin. However that has absolutely no bearing on anything that anyone else is going through. Their reproductive situation and outcome doesn't make a jot of difference to anyone else experiencing infertility. There isn't a barren alive who hasn't been told about someone's neighbour or cousin who had blocked tubes and 17 rounds of IVF and 37 miscarriages and gave up trying and relaxed and put themselves on the adoption list and had a miracle pregnancy and the result is sleeping upstairs. We know that some people get very lucky. But someone winning the lottery doesn't make it any more likely that anyone else will win the lottery.

I totally agree with you banana. Does this need saying on the other threads though? I don't know how those posters will know otherwise.

Very bad form to bitch about posters on another thread as is being done here.

Mumsnet is all about talking through what we have in common and what we can do to support each other. Across all the boards you see people transitioning from group to group as their life changes. Do we really, really want to be so prescriptive about who posts when and where? I think it's unnecessarily harsh and potentially really hurtful.

Do we really, really want to be so prescriptive about who posts when and where? I think it's unnecessarily harsh and potentially really hurtful.

No, but surely you can understand that on a support thread concerned with infertility it's really hard to read pregnancy updates,

It's probably also really hard to be effectively exiled from a thread you've used a lot, with people who express hope and encouragement for you - until you get a positive test.
I think there needs to be give and take from both groups.

I think it's really difficult some people don't want to

Posted accidentally sorry!

I think it's really difficult some people like to hear success stories others don't, personally I hated anything to do with pregnancy and pregnant women until I became pregnant myself so I understand where you are coming from but...

Infertility doesn't end with those magic 2 lines you still need support I know so many women who are suffering terrible anxiety because of their journey to motherhood

I know how hard it is from both sides and there needs to be some care and consideration from those still trying and those moving on to the next stage of their journey.

My first forum experience was a different site and I found it after a Mc - the mc board was a great source of support- the site has a lot of different boards - inc different boards for loss at early stages, 2nso tri and 3rd tri& stillbirth - as what women experience due a loss at different stages is v different- they also had ttc boards and a seperate ttc after a loss and pg after a loss boards as again ttc and pg after loss is very different to your run of the mill ttc and pg - perhaps women who are pg after infertility could do with their own pg boards as I can imagine - like after loss (and many will have gone through loss when dealing with infertility) you might not fit emotionally in the pg section yet you can't talk openly with your old infertility boards?

Completely agree Jemima! That's why I started the pregnancy after infertility thread. Being pregnant after fertility treatment was utterly terrifying - I knew all about being infertile. I'd never considered the possibility the IVF might actually WORK. I was shitting my pants every waking second about it all coming crashing down. The 3ww between beta and viability scan was longer and worse scanxiety than the 2ww between ET and OTD. It was horrific. It was for exactly that reason that I felt I needed somewhere to share that experience of trying to navigate being pregnant whilst scarred by infertility. With women who actually GOT IT. That being pregnant was fucking terrifying because I had further to fall. The women who joined pg after infertility when I started the thread were my sanity. That's why I started the thread.

Maddening: There's a pregnancy after infertility thread for that very reason. There wasn't anywhere I felt I fitted in so I started my own thread. I miscarried so I left the thread, but I'm told it's still going strong.

Northern - I don't think anyone has said that there should be rules about who posts where - people can do what they want - but if they're not engaging their sensitivity chip....

I've found fellow barrens (I'm still barren) have been supportive when I had very early pregnancy wobbles and fears, but you have to think about who you're sharing with.

It's all very well saying people can post where they like but this thread names a specific thread and singles out a group of posters posting on it. That's not ok.

I'm so sorry your going through this - it's shit! It is made worse by others being insensitive! I think sometimes people who have been through it and for whom it has been successful want to give others hope and share their experiences! Maybe they are not being entirely tactful in the way they are doing it! I hope all goes well for you!

I think sometimes people who have been through it and for whom it has been successful want to give others hope and share their experiences!

It isn't usually people who have actually been through it that do this. It's usually someone with a second cousin's aunt's friend who magically gets pregnant after relaxing/adopting/acupuncture/faith healing/whatever.

Infertility is not one condition. You might as well say to someone with an aggressive brain tumour that you know someone who survived the benignest of cancers. Their friend's experience isn't relevant.