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Original poster

To give less presents to bad behaved kids?

43 replies

destinywidow · 01/12/2016 09:16

I have 4 dcs. Ds2 and ds3 fight constantly, break things, trash their room and are generally horrible to each other, school mornings are a pita. I have told them to behave or Santa won't bring them any presents, would I be unreasonable to follow through with this?? Obviously they have some presents but not as many as their siblings?

OP posts:
NoCapes · 01/12/2016 09:17

Shock yes I think that would be really really horrible!

atticusclaw2 · 01/12/2016 09:18

Yes that would be awful.

LadySaladinForge · 01/12/2016 09:19

Shitty thing to do.

SalemSaberhagen · 01/12/2016 09:19

Yes you would. And stop using Santa to parent, FGS.

Seeline · 01/12/2016 09:20

Well if you want to encourage jealousy amongst your DC and risk further fighting and poor behaviour, carry on.

passmethewineplease · 01/12/2016 09:20

Yes. Surprised you even have to ask.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 01/12/2016 09:20

Can you do the PNP thing and put in that they haven't quite made it into the list and see if that improves their behaviour a bit. Same sort of idea but not as harsh.

LadyPenelopeShufflebottom · 01/12/2016 09:21

1/10

Inthenick · 01/12/2016 09:21

Terrible. Do you think they have control over the fighting? I honestly think kids can't help this sort of behaviour. It's something that needs to be worked on over years.

littlejeopardy · 01/12/2016 09:22

I would give them all equal presents but then take away presents when they misbehave and return them when they have apologised or made up for what they did.

AndNowItsSeven · 01/12/2016 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
destinywidow · 01/12/2016 09:23

Thanks

Back to the drawing board then...

(Btw they all have equal presents right now, it was just an idea as I'm at the end of my tether with them)

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 01/12/2016 09:24

Even if that did work, which it wouldn't, what what you do after Christmas when the Santa threat is no longer viable? You need long term strategies that reward better behaviour, rather than punishing the negative behaviour. I know it's easy to say though...

Arfarfanarf · 01/12/2016 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 09:24

I definitely think it's reasonable to say Father Christmas is watching their behaviour, but I could never really give them less on the day. Apart from anything else it wouldn't work - Christmas Day 2017 isn't going to be a motivator for good behaviour on 26th December 2016. You need shorter term, more frequently deployed strategies for improving their behaviour. Like early bedtime and no treats.

corythatwas · 01/12/2016 09:24

What Seeline said. This would just perpetuate the idea that they are bad and that they are on bad terms with you.

We have a rule in our family which is seldom broken and that is not to let the sun go down on our wrath. Every day is a new day. In as far as possible, we try to make punishments immediate and short-lasting and we don't hold grudges.

Christmas is an ideal time for washing away old resentments and remembering how much you enjoy each other after all. Don't ruin it. They will remember it long after they have grown out of whatever behaviour annoyed you in the first place.

LovingLola · 01/12/2016 09:40

What ages are ds3 and ds4?

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 01/12/2016 09:45

I disagree. My friend followed through on her threats not to give presents to her eldest son (then aged 10) because of his vile behaviour. His dad is an enabler and didn't help the situation. She damn well did it. My God it taught him a lesson.

However, he was given some gifts later in the day, but nothing like as many as might otherwise have been given.

There was no meltdown, because he'd been told and told and told on the run up to Xmas, and he was shocked that they went through with it. That was 2 years ago, and his behaviour is exemplary. And Dad is a much better father now too.

It depends on the child and how they will receive it. Also, they didn't open other presents in front of him, so not rubbing his nose in it.

TheCakes · 01/12/2016 09:45

I tell mine that each time they are naughty FC takes a present out of their stocking and replaces it with a potato - and stick a couple of spuds in each year.
It's more of a joke though. Not serious discipline. No-one's perfect, right?
They are 14 and 10 now, but I've done this since they were small.

jayisforjessica · 01/12/2016 09:47

If they are little enough to still believe in Santa, they are little enough that the effect will be too far removed from the cause to have any real relevance to them. Developmentally, they are just not that advanced. It's cruel.

Echoing what a PP said about not using Santa to do your parenting. That's as bad as "wait until your father gets home", which is a tactic some weak mothers use. It's just fobbing the responsibility for discipline off on someone else because you're too weak to do it. You're the parent. Step up.

Echoing what a (different) PP said about perpetuating the idea that they are bad and that they are on bad terms with you. You need to change the mindset in your house. There are no good kids, there are no bad kids, there are only choices - and every day is a fresh start where your kids have the opportunity to make new choices about their behavior. Not all their choices will be good ones. That's your job as a parent: to guide them to make good choices, and to implement consequences when the choices are bad ones. Not when "you've been naughty", but when "you didn't make good choices today, did you?" The "choices" approach also gives kids an opportunity to self-correct, which makes them the owner of their own behavior, and is (for many kids) more effective than the old carrot and stick dance. If they're old enough to comprehend threats of Santa, they're old enough to comprehend this.

A reminder that parenting YOUR children is not Santa's job, and not the job of the cashier at the supermarket, for goodness sake, because I've had THAT foisted on to me as a cashier and it is UNACCEPTABLE to make strangers be the monster because you can't or won't parent - tangent but slightly relevant here!

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 09:48

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers: Goes to show there is more than one way to skin a cat I suppose!

donquixotedelamancha · 01/12/2016 09:49

I'd cheerfully do it, if it would work. It won't work.

Consequences have to be immediate, then over. If they aren't working those consequences perhaps need to be firmer- but then the care and reassurance kicks in again immediately.

Punish the behaviour, not the kid. Lots of praise for good effort, even in stuff they 'should do anyway'. Like training a dog :-)

corythatwas · 01/12/2016 09:49

Vivienne, I'd say the proof of the pudding is not in whether the boy's behaviour is exemplary at the age of 12: I would also want to know how he will feel about this punishment when he looks back on it as a teenager and as an adult; whether he enjoys the thought of Christmas as much as he would have done; whether it has done anything to his relationship with his parents.

To me, it sounds as if the boy was partly punished because his parents couldn't agree on parenting, as if it was somehow his fault (at 10) that his dad was an enabler.

Original poster
destinywidow · 01/12/2016 09:50

I know it's not a long term solution but I'd just like one morning where they don't fight.

Ds1 is 12, ds2 is 9, ds3 is 7 and Dd is 3.

I won't go through with it, I'm not that mean. I've tried taking things off them and giving back when they are good but they never get their stuff back!

OP posts:
gleam · 01/12/2016 09:54

Can you mix up the bedrooms a bit, maybe ds1 with ds2 and the 3 year olds in together?

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