To give less presents to bad behaved kids?

[destinywidow]

I have 4 dcs. Ds2 and ds3 fight constantly, break things, trash their room and are generally horrible to each other, school mornings are a pita. I have told them to behave or Santa won't bring them any presents, would I be unreasonable to follow through with this?? Obviously they have some presents but not as many as their siblings?

Way to create even more sibling rivalry and split the goodies and the baddies, I'd have thought.

It's a different dynamic with a big family - I have 5 kids, and sometimes think people with only 2 are clueless when it comes to parenting big families, so I'd take a lot of advice here with a pinch of salt.

But no, I wouldn't differentiate at all. Find some other, and less 'December dependent' way of dealing with dickishness. Maybe carrot rather than stick - reward the good two rather than punish the 'less good'.

My youngest is very calm and level headed. No 4 is a total handful (at times). 5 got to the point where he could see 4 was having to deal with the consequences of his actions, but he felt he wasn't being rewarded for being the 'good' one (ie: the one that doesn't get into trouble at school for being gobby, etc). But he communicated that to me, so I could then do something to redress the balance but in a subtle way that 5 is aware of, and 4 isn't. So it's sometimes also about reaffirming the 'good' rather than visiting the wrath of god/santa on the bad.

You have to pay attention to the needs of the conformers, simultaneously with incentivising the non conformers, in a big family. Sometimes.

NRFT but years ago I watched a supernanny programme and she had plastic boxes whereby if someone was naughty they would lose their favourite toys/xbox control etc depending on age and only get it back when they had done x,y or z to earn them back - even if you've tried before, maybe don't give them back too readily and if they end up with nothing to play with then so be it until they grasp the concept ...... it's very hard and annoying but you'd be mad with yourself if Santa took anything away from them and they were disappointed on Xmas day

I think gleam is onto something, with looking at actual practical changes that might cut down on the squabbling. How about sitting down with a piece of paper and thinking through where these fights happen, how do they come into collision with each other, is there a way you could deal with a situation immediately (e.g. by splitting them up)? Then parallel to that write down on another piece of paper ideas of what you could do to get them used to having a nice time together, enjoying each other's company, working together for a common goal.

Jesus ask if you need to ask what a bloody shitty thing to even consider to do!

I am definitely in the no camp, but how about advent calendar opened at end of day and only those that have behaved are rewarded with it, next day you stated afresh. If the do something then give them a chance to earn it back by setting the table, helping a younger sibling with something etc

Next month move it to a weekend treat, this month will have hopefully started better habits

Fewer

YABU

If they share a room you need to swap things round so they don't. It can help a lot.

You need serious help with discipline, that is not acceptable and must be horrible for you.

Forget about Christmas, carry on as normal there, but tackle the disobedience, work out a proper set of rules and consequences on your own, think how this will work for you, rally support from your DH/DP etc.

Write a plan, really understand how you are going to tell them what you expect and carry through when they misbehave.

Think about your responses to bad behavior, and trigger points ( we all have them) and how you are going to stay calm and follow through.Make it foulproof in your head and on paper first.

Then present the rules to them calmly and confidently with consequences. Prepare for battles and don't give up is my advice.

Good luck op l hope you get a nice Christmas

Off on a tangent slightly but if your ds2 & 3 clash do you make sure they get enough time away from each other? Imagine working with someone you didn't get on with all the time, it would really wear you down.
My eldest two are both lovely people separately but are very different personalities and very close in age. They clash and argue a lot if they spend too much time together and also were quite competitive with each other (possible ASD issues involved in or case too). We have seen a massive improvement in behaviour in actively planning more time where they are apart - ie is seperate bedrooms, changed some activities so they weren't in the same group, some weekends DH and I doing two seperate days out instead of one (not always). It's not perfect but the atmosphere in the house is hugely improved and they like each other now!

Is it worse because they share a room do you think? Would there be a way to juggle rooms so they don`t (DS3 and DD are still young enough to share for a couple of years example?)

I agree that long term parenting solutions are what you need, but I never understand why people who do the whole Santa thing wouldn't follow through on bad behaviour meaning fewer presents. That's the point of Santa isn't it? Why have the whole naughty and nice thing if all children get the same amount of presents regardless of behaviour. Just seems weird to me... (needless to say I'm not a huge fan of Santa anyway!)

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Gah, I misread that, didn't I. You don't have two 3 year olds. But it might help if you could have some kind of bedroom change.

Doodle that's what I was thinking, what's the point of the naughty and nice lists if Santa just gives the same anyway??

But I'm not going to with hold presents, it was just an idea.

I can't swap sleeping arrangements around, dd's room is tiny and can only just fit her bed in and a chest of drawers, bunk beds wouldn't fit as it's a sloped ceiling.

They do get time apart, they're together before school and then from 5 onwards, bed at 7. Ds2 goes out with friends or after school clubs until 5 most days. At weekends ds2 has football, I stopped ds3 going to his football club because his behaviour is terrible (hitting and punching me when he doesn't get his way) and will think about him starting again next season.

I've taken away most of their things, Xbox, ds2's phone, tablets, match attax cards, dvds. They don't behave to get them back. Ds2 misses football club if he's been really bad, he's good for a while and then starts again.

Last week ds3 went mad because ds2 was making him breakfast! Ds2 had to lock himself in the bathroom while I calmed ds3 down. I will try to see what their triggers are but it's like they just hate being in the same room as each other.

Put ds2 in the small bedroom and ds3 and dd together? How big is ds1's room - could he share?

Put DD into the room DS2 and 3 currently share along with DS3, move DS2 to the small room. DD can sleep on the bottom bunk and DS3 on the top.

Alternatively if DS3 is the volatile one DS1 and 2 share the big room...

Talk to DS1 about it first if he is being "demoted" to sharing and get him onside and be sure he has private space for homework etc.

DS1 and 2 could share DS1`s room if it is big enough and DS3 and DD could share the room you currently have DS2 and 3 sharing, DD's current room could become a homework room with just a desk and a book case or a writing desk and a computer desk, only to be used one at a time or in twos if both are behaving and getting on quietly.

Sorry should I have said ds1 is also in the room with them. With have 3 bedrooms, I've suggested a sofa bed in living room for dh and me but he won't have it. So ds1, 2, and 3 share one room (the biggest) and Dd has the box room.