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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by my family

46 replies

LikeBigBotsAndICannotLie · 01/12/2016 05:35

I am a mum, two kids, married with a wonderful, supporting husband. He works very long hours with absolutely no scope to change at the moment, so away about twelve hours every day. I am disabled. I had to give up work recently as my illness is progressing rapidly, I have always, my whole life been very independent although suffered a chronic condition from birth. Even during my long hospital stays as a child, I would come out and it was like I had never been ill.

Things have been different the past eight years, there has been a drastic, progressive decline and I am being investigated for a progressive disease of the nervous system. My parents and a sibling live away and I have one sibling that lives in the same city. My parents moved away when I was a 21 (I had no relapses after age 14) so we all thought my condition was stable besides a couple of infections. My parents who moved for work, always promised to come back home when they retired. They did two years ago and have now bought property in the city they moved to with my sibling and her child living with them. My sibling here, has been very distant ever since being married, although I have tried to keep communication going as much as possible.

My friends take me to the doctors even though they themselves work long (I cannot drive anymore). (We are looking into a new adaptable car and motorised wheelchair) I have a fantastic MIL who would help once or twice a week to get me out the house, spend time with the kids etc but she has recently been bereaved and struggling herself. I cannot walk anymore and use a wheelchair. I just feel so let down by my parents who are still young and my sibling. They bought a house for her and her son years ago and she sees them every day. They go abroad on large holidays to Disney together, which we don't even get invited to because "you would not manage it."

I am sorry for the long post, but is it wrong of me, when I am feeling so depressed and needing support to be annoyed with a couple of phone calls a week. AIBU to feel like they are ignoring my requests for emotional support and also them having missed my children growing up, yet still facilitate and enable my sister to be dependent on them? I want to stop feeling this way, but I can't. I feel bringing us presents home from trips is like they are assuaging their own consciences because they are not here.

OP posts:
amroc18 · 01/12/2016 05:58

Sorry nothing useful in way of advice but so sorry to hear this. It can be very painful when parents appear to treat siblings so differently, especially when you could do with the support. Hugs.

Original poster
LikeBigBotsAndICannotLie · 01/12/2016 06:06

Thank you amroc. Trust me, I am never ever this needy but I will take every hug I can get! [Smiley face]

OP posts:
pklme · 01/12/2016 06:14

Families are weird. It is possible there is some trauma in your sibling's life that you don't know about I suppose. It is upsetting when your family can't/choose not to see that you need them. I've had many a weep over the years.

Creampastry · 01/12/2016 06:14

What would happen if you told them how you feel?

Big huge hugs on their way !!

Original poster
LikeBigBotsAndICannotLie · 01/12/2016 06:20

Creampastry. I have tried. It is like they simply cannot handle even the thought of what I have been told to expect. Before the conversation can be started, I get cut off with all these think poistive mantras. It is like what so you think I have been doing the past eight years? My husband said to just ease off with them and although not cut them off, stop contacting them myself with news even though they tell me to call after an appointment etc. He says "no. Let them do it."

OP posts:
stonecircle · 01/12/2016 06:23

Likebigbots - I'm so sorry to hear what a rough time you're having. I have 3 children - late teens, early 20s and do try and treat them all equally but it's not always easy as they get older and take different paths in life.

It sounds like the 'favoured' sibling is a single parent so, being very charitable, could it be that they think she needs help, whereas you have a DH and, on your own admission, have always got on with things and coped well?

Not that that's any excuse of course. If I was in their shoes I'd be trying to balance things out. So matching the Disney holidays with a holiday with you that you could manage - or at least coming to stay with or near you to do everything for you to give you a break.

Could you talk to them about how you feel?

Original poster
LikeBigBotsAndICannotLie · 01/12/2016 06:24

pklme. No and I am glad of that, would never wish that on her. She has just always been that way. Thank you for responding.

OP posts:
stonecircle · 01/12/2016 06:25

Cross post - I see you have tried talking to them. How upsetting for you x

Adnerb95 · 01/12/2016 06:25

YANBU! You're facing huge challenges and would very understandably like them to express support, preferably with some practical help as well. Aside from your illness, have you had a close relationship with them over the years? Are they generally loving and supportive?

If you have generally coped well and been positive in your attitude, you may have been cast in the role of the "strong one". When circumstances change and you are now looking for more support and care, they may take a while to adjust to your different role in the family? Just possibly? But feel like I may be clutching at straws here!

Family do sometimes just simply let us down and maybe not even love us the way we need to be loved and it can be very painful and hard to deal with.

Flowers Flowers Flowers

Ahickiefromkinickie · 01/12/2016 06:25

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

As Creampastry says, could you tell them how you feel? Then you can decide if it's worth bothering with these people. I wouldn't accept their presents. Disney caters well to disabled guests, and of course scooters/wheelchairs are available so I wouldn't let them get away with excuses.

They bought a house for your sister, have they given you financial help? If not, I would be asking for my share. (I know that's not your AIBU, you want emotional support, but I would want to be treated fairly in terms of finances too).

Original poster
LikeBigBotsAndICannotLie · 01/12/2016 06:29

stonecircle. That was a great response. You nailed it. Yes she is a single mum, my mum told me years ago, of the three of us she never ever worried about me, even when I was poorly as a child. She said my siblings would falter where I just get on with it. I have suggested a joint holiday, but nothing stops the annual Disney family convention (both siblings and their families and my parents)

OP posts:
Ahickiefromkinickie · 01/12/2016 06:29

Cross post

My husband said to just ease off with them and although not cut them off, stop contacting them myself with news even though they tell me to call after an appointment etc. He says "no. Let them do it.

Your husband is 100% right. They should be calling you.

Original poster
LikeBigBotsAndICannotLie · 01/12/2016 06:31

ahixkiefromKeni kie God I love that username! Grin and adner. Thank you both, wow I thought I would get a couple of respinses telling me to shut up and get on with it, I very grateful for you words and encouragement, I might try again.

OP posts:
Original poster
LikeBigBotsAndICannotLie · 01/12/2016 06:32

Excuse my disastrous spelling errors. Must preview post. Must preview post!

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 01/12/2016 06:39

You shouldn't have to go through this without your family. Understandably, the are minimalizing what you have (and are) going through. Maybe this makes them feel better? It doesn't make you feel supported which is the issue here.

Could you send them a letter? Maybe highlighting how you feel? Tell them what you would like them to do? Move the ball into their court...

A HUGE HUG being sent in your direction.

stonecircle · 01/12/2016 06:41

What about writing them a letter? That way you can choose your words carefully and not get interrupted by their justifications? At least then you'd feel you'd laid it all out for them and if they carry on then,in your shoes I'm not sure I could maintain any sort of relationship with them. Flowers

Original poster
LikeBigBotsAndICannotLie · 01/12/2016 06:46

misery and stonecircle. Great suggestions, thank you. Xx

OP posts:
Ahickiefromkinickie · 01/12/2016 06:48

Thank you Grin

I have suggested a joint holiday, but nothing stops the annual Disney family convention (both siblings and their families and my parents)

That must be so upsetting, your kids are missing out. It's incredibly thoughtless of them. Do your parents pay for everyone?

OneInEight · 01/12/2016 06:51

Have you asked them directly for the help you need. I am very guilty of bemoaning the fact my family do not help much with my ds's (SN's) but I am also guilty of telling them that everything is fine when it is anything but.

hesterton · 01/12/2016 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brummiesue · 01/12/2016 06:55

Please tell them how you feel - write it down if necessary, its possible they genuinly dont know how hideously unfair they are being. If they do realise and still continue to act the same way maybe you need to withdraw communication to protect yourself. Good luck

ConvincingLiar · 01/12/2016 06:59

On the holiday, I don't think you can necessarily expect them to pay, but what would happen if you suggested all going next year/time? If you specifically say you want to go, then they can't think "oh well it's not BigBots' thing, she wouldn't enjoy it, she's never showed any interest in coming". The risk is that they reject you, but you're feeling like that anyway.

LostSight · 01/12/2016 07:01

How sad. It sounds as if they have worked themselves into a nice comfortable retirement and because they are happy, they don't want to see anything that might disturb that lovely existence, which is rotten. My parents try to treat me and my sister with scrupulous equality, and that is how it ought to be, in my opinion.

It does sound, however, as if you have the most wonderful friends and husband. I think, perhaps, that your husband is right. Concentrate on the good people. Let your extended family come to you, and if they don't there are advantages. Less contact would mean you wouldn't have to hear about the trips. Would you like to go to Disney? Can you afford to do it without your parents' help?

Creampastry · 01/12/2016 07:02

Next time you try and talk to them, put everything in a letter do they can read it if they try cutting you off from speaking. Also, stop being proactive in contacting them. As your dh says, let them call you and stop giving them so much detail.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 01/12/2016 07:03

My parents excused their uneven and I'll considered difference between their behaviour towards me and my sibling with,
"But your so strong"
Never once thinking.." But what alternative does she have with no extra resources or help."
It's a convenient bubble that protected their conciences and I suspect yours have something similar going on.
They probably don't feel able to tell your sister that it's someone "elses turn" or that she now needs to be able to stand in her own feet as that would be "uncomfortable" so they will cling to their current normal quite hard unless they are forced out of their complacency. It's quite hard to confront parents on issues like this, there is always the fear that it may not be oversight, but considered choices made for unpleasant reasons that drives their decisions.
So you may well open a can of worms you can't close again by confronting them too.