To feel let down by my family

[LikeBigBotsAndICannotLie]

I am a mum, two kids, married with a wonderful, supporting husband. He works very long hours with absolutely no scope to change at the moment, so away about twelve hours every day. I am disabled. I had to give up work recently as my illness is progressing rapidly, I have always, my whole life been very independent although suffered a chronic condition from birth. Even during my long hospital stays as a child, I would come out and it was like I had never been ill.

Things have been different the past eight years, there has been a drastic, progressive decline and I am being investigated for a progressive disease of the nervous system. My parents and a sibling live away and I have one sibling that lives in the same city. My parents moved away when I was a 21 (I had no relapses after age 14) so we all thought my condition was stable besides a couple of infections. My parents who moved for work, always promised to come back home when they retired. They did two years ago and have now bought property in the city they moved to with my sibling and her child living with them. My sibling here, has been very distant ever since being married, although I have tried to keep communication going as much as possible.

My friends take me to the doctors even though they themselves work long (I cannot drive anymore). (We are looking into a new adaptable car and motorised wheelchair) I have a fantastic MIL who would help once or twice a week to get me out the house, spend time with the kids etc but she has recently been bereaved and struggling herself. I cannot walk anymore and use a wheelchair. I just feel so let down by my parents who are still young and my sibling. They bought a house for her and her son years ago and she sees them every day. They go abroad on large holidays to Disney together, which we don't even get invited to because "you would not manage it."

I am sorry for the long post, but is it wrong of me, when I am feeling so depressed and needing support to be annoyed with a couple of phone calls a week. AIBU to feel like they are ignoring my requests for emotional support and also them having missed my children growing up, yet still facilitate and enable my sister to be dependent on them? I want to stop feeling this way, but I can't. I feel bringing us presents home from trips is like they are assuaging their own consciences because they are not here.

Thank you all so much for your responses. I am taking everything onboard, definitely stepping back and seeing how things go and if they start to ask, then writing a letter. I have no idea about the costs of the holidays, my husband thinks they pay although when we asked to go before we were expecting to pay for ourselves, no handouts. They did offer to take the kids next year and that overwhelmed me at the time, but over the months it is the complete lack of emotional support, has made me think they are doing it out of guilt

They are visiting where we live on Sunday, just found this out last night. My sister had seen an earlier video of my rehomed dog and said "can't wait to meet her Sunday!" I am like "eh what?" She replied when we come down for the party, another family members, who we had no idea was having a meal out, not bothered about that as to be honest, I am pretty bad at the moment. It is the presumption that because I am this way then everything stops for their visit. It is my husband's time with us, his only time. I did not even know they were coming. I talked to my kids, to get their advice, if they were hung up on seeing everyone or not, both they and my husband said "let's not be in for a change." I kind of want to go along with that.

I have no idea about the costs of the holidays, my husband thinks they pay

Why does he think that?

Do your family and your dh get along?

rollon. Yes very well, in fact they treat him like the Second Coming whenever they are around him or talking about him. He has always liked them but is uncomfortable with some issues from my childhood (regarding my illness, not getting me help for something life threatening as they said I was doing it for attention when it happened on Xmas Day). I nearly died, in fact, I did technically, was rescucitated and made it.

I think he thinks that because whenever I have asked my siblings about costs for flights or where to book when I mistakenly thought we would all go together, they were cagey and would not tell me where they booked. They said "that is personal, you don't see me asking about your finances."

Oh God, this is so, so SHIT of them. Far from you being unreasonable, they are very, VERY crap parents.

I can understand a little bit what you are going through, because I live with a similar - though more mild - situation. A few years ago I became ill and couldn't work. My parents didn't visit me once during the whole time, not even after round after round of surgery. While I was lucky in that my condition was eventually diagnosed and cured, the total lack of practical support they provided was a bit shocking. In the meantime, they were doing absolutely everything for my sister, who lives with them.

I'm not saying this to make the thread all about myself but as a preface to what I am about to say: I think when you experience favouritism of this kind, even as a grown adult, it triggers something quite primal in you. Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, a lack of care and love. It doesn't matter how many people tell you (in an annoyingly chipper way) that you should be "glad" to have your independence - that doesn't actually begin to engage or to deal with this feeling of almost primordial hurt that is created. I cannot imagine going through that feeling on top of being diagnosed with a progressive health condition. You are dealing with more than anyone can cope with on their own, emotionally and practically. You've done really well to get this far, but it's time that things changed.

I would give your selfish parents one last chance. Tell them exactly what you want (and need) from them, and tell them that your kids need them as well, since they are dealing with your illness too. Make a list of the practical things they could do to help - don't leave it vague like "just being around". I would ask them absolutely point blank if they are prepared to be parents to two children and not just one. Force them to confront the consequences of their decisions, force them to acknowledge the favouritism, force them to acknowledge you and your family, force them out of the toxic little bubble in which they live. If they refuse and reject you again, make it clear that you're not going to bother with them any more. Do not worry if you are upset or tearful - you're entitled to be, and sometimes showing people that you are suffering is the only way to jolt them out of a complacent routine.

I am SO angry on your behalf. Their behaviour is just awful. If this thread is what I think it will be, i.e. an outpouring of sympathy and love for you and justly merited criticism of their atrocious abnegation of responsibility, then I think you should show it to them.

shove. That was a fantastic response, I really appreciate having someone chime in who has some idea and no it wasn't hijacking the post at all, if anything I appreciate this kind of feedback greatly. I really felt for you about the hospital part. I am trying to be as light on details as I can for fear of giving myself away, but my husband found me at death's door, literally six years ago. Second rescucitation, very long rehab period. My sibling who lives here didn't visit once "hates hospitals'" was what I got after bringing that up, so I really got that.

I am so sorry you are having trouble yourself and that you are not getting the support you deserve. When you described your feelings, jeez, that hit me hard, I cannot have summed that up better.

I'm sorry, but I don't know anyone who DOES like hospitals. It's not like anyone says "Oh, what shall we do this Friday night? I'm bored of the pubs round here! I know- let's go to the HOSPITAL instead! There's a good time to be had for all on the dementia ward!"

Unless your sister experiences some psychologically crippling form of anxiety when confronted with a hospital that would lead to her being sectioned if she had to walk inside one, she needs to put on her big girl knickers and stop being so fucking self-indulgent!! (Plus, even if she DID have acute anxiety, she could have been "present" in other ways - I skype with an internet friend of mine in hospital in Montreal!)

It sounds to me as though there is a level of extremely unusual, verging on pathological denial with your family about your condition. I keep coming back to that point I made in my last post - I think if you spell out to them in practical terms what you would like them to do, this may help. I am struggling to feel any sympathy or charity for them - and their behaviour is inexcusable in any case - but it could be that they are overwhelmed by your illness and just don't know what to do, so are hiding their heads in the sand.

This is not OK. None of the way they are treating you is OK. I wanted to come back and suggest that you post in the Stately Homes thread in 'Relationships' - I think people on that thread will understand and be able to offer advice.

I really despise the "hates hospitals" excuse. Who "likes hospitals"? It is a poor excuse for crap behaviour from a family member. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves, their lack of practical support for you is appalling.

shove. Thank you again, I am not sure if it was intentional or not but that line about the hospitals made me burst out giggling

I will check that thread out. Although I joined MN back in January, I was a lurker most of that time, only started posting again the last week or so. I am finding my way around. Thank you for that

Lord thank you for the outrage on my behalf

I don't want to be a poster who only hears what they want to but to know IANBU by even one or two posters (which was not the case, blowing me away here) was so touching.

I have chronic incurable illness (es) - I am working but could not raise children so we don't have any. My parents are gone, and I see other family rarely sadly.

My advice is to see your friends as your family - after all, they are closest to you, and you get to choose them! I am much closer to friends, they come more when I'm in hospital, text more, care more.

If you set your expectations to zero - you stop being so bitterly, painfully disappointed. to you, it sounds a very hard road to walk.

YaSOONBU...your parents and sibling need a big kick up the rear, they have behaved appallingly.

I agree with the poster above you should tell them directly with no sugar coating, how their behavior has left you feeling, what you are facing (again), what help you could really do with, and ask them for a proper response quickly...don't let them wriggle out of replying and explaining why they have behaved so badly and whether or not this is going to change in the near future.

You sound very brave but do show how upset you are, don't make it easy for them to brush this under the carpet, sometimes having no filter when something difficult has to be said can work wonders.

You are inspirational in your attitude but sadly this situation is dragging you down, I think best to find out for sure if they are going to change and support you or not, then you can decide on how much you want them in your life.

Good luck op, l take my hat off to you.

The way your being treated is awful and I honestly don't know what to suggest about your family(I'm going through the same thing myself)but with you being so ill and your DH working such long hours could you get someone in to help whilst your DH is at work?

My family are very much like your family,I'm seriously ill and disabled(I caught an infection in the hospital whilst I was in labor with our 5th DC)now,I have several conditions some of which can be life threatening and I suffered a serious form of brain damage a year after having our DD who's now 9.

None of my family visited me when I was in hospital,yet I did everything for my parents and my siblings and I helped raise my nephews and nieces.None of my extended family,Aunts and Uncles and Cousins have a clue how ill I am and they still all look shocked when they see me in the wheelchair,like you as a child I suffered some very serious health issues and was in hospital quite a few times and I just got on with it.

I don't know if that's why some of them act so clueless but now I've learnt to distance myself from the negatives one's in my family and with the rest I just give the bare minimum to.I've had to do it to protect myself emotionally.

I am lucky though because like you I have a lovely DH and 5 great DC and some really good friends.

I hope you can find some help for when your DH is at work and I hope you start having some better health days.Sending hugs From one poorly Mum to another

Maybe your family is struggling with your condition, are maybe a bit scared, and probably realise deep down that they are not doing enough so are resorting to the helpful strategy of 'denial'.

I agree with the poster who said lay it out for them clearly how they can help. Maybe your husband (who sounds fantastic!) could pave the way by making suggestions for your birthday or something similar, saying how much you would like to do x or y with the whole family.

OP, I really feel for you. That is beyond complicated. As shove so powerfully spells out, I appreciate that nothing can remove the feeling of being rejected by your own original family.

I am however glad to hear that you have your wonderful husband and MIL, children and friends though. I'm guessing you probably (I hope) also have the option of being involved with a support group with other people in a similar condition?

No-one gets to choose their original family, but once you've left home it's up to you who you live with/surround yourself with and it sounds like you have made some very good choices. I can't pretend that I understand why your parents have treated you this way, all I can think is, if that is how they are, they don't deserve a place in your life if they are so indifferent towards you. You really have done exceptionally well for yourself without them and it sounds like they are emotionally unable to provide the support you need.

If you feel you need to (and have the energy to do so) you can keep building them bridges back to you. Otherwise, like Eliza says good friends and your own family are the real people in your life.

Hello likebitbots,

I had a rough time last year and a part from my sister and brother in law no one came to see me whilst I was going through chemo, they did however keep on asking over the phone " what they could do to help" without actually doing anything.

I read an article -> achaabdan.wordpress.com/2015/05/03/george-carlin-used-comedy-to-preach-his-views-on-death/

( it's about death, not being sick, but still) This exerpt had me in hysterics laughing my ( probably quite morphined up) head off....

Here’s another thing they say after death. It is usually said to the surviving spouse. ‘Listen, if there’s anything I can do, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask.’ What are you gonna do? A resurrection? Save the fking new testament, you know. You know what you tell a guy like that who wants to help? ‘Oh fine man, why don’t you come over this weekend, you can paint the garage. Bring your plunger, the upstairs toilet overflowed and there is sht all over the floor up there. You drive a tractor? Good, that will come in handy, the north 40 needs a lot of attention. Bring your chainsaw and your pickaxe, we going to put your a towards it.’ He wants to help? Fk him, call his bluff. Call his bluff, don’t hesitate to ask, the nerve of these pr*ks.

I hope this makes you laugh a little too.

I think some families are just shit, really shit at showing love.
And there comes a point where it is not okay anymore.

I know it can feel like a meager consolation when you are feeling unloved but the family you chose (your husband), you chose well.

YANBU. My children have a Chromosome problem and one is a severe needs school. He can't talk. We told family. They refuted what the dr had said! I don't tell them anything any more. They still think it's normal to not talk at almost five and he will grow out if it. They are in for a big shock. Hugs to you, I find it easier to keep them at arms lenght with information now.

Oh thank you all so much, I am sitting crying here, I am so touched by everyone's responses. Everything you are all saying is exactly what I need to do. Funny I am the kind of person who is truthful to people when they want an opinion (unless the truth would seriously upset them) so I don't know why I can't just have it out.

To those of you suffering too, I take my hat off to you, you all have varying issues but as we all know who don't have any control over our bodies anymore, how much you have wrong with you and how you see it is different for everyone, no-one will react the same to something.

We did think about getting a helper in. I recently changed over to PIP from DLA and got standard in both components. My welfare rights officer wants me to challenge this, but I am undergoing seriously invasive tests just now and wanted the back-up in writing before challenging them. I gave up a very high paying job and refused at the time to claim ESA (a mistake I know as had made the contributions) however I had a very difficult and traumatic experience going through the pensions process and refused to be subjected to any type of ASOS or whomever assessment. i was in a very bad place mentally after stopping.

pimmay. Thank you, I am off to read that now, I have a very dark sense of humour, should have seen the neurologists face when me and my husband were cackling with laughter regaling her of when I got up for the bathroom and passed the wardrobe sliding door which was unfortunately open. My legs went completely and I crashed right through. My husband said "It was like that scene in Poltergeist when they remove all the clothes but there is nothing but a clown underneath!" .

They were like

I think some families are just shit, really shit at showing love. And there comes a point where it is not okay anymore.

^^This.

I think you need to listen to your DH and not tell them anything.

And slowly disengage.

I talked to my kids, to get their advice, if they were hung up on seeing everyone or not, both they and my husband said "let's not be in for a change." I kind of want to go along with that.

This is a great first step OP

Hope they realise what they are missing out on.

I thought Pimmsy and Eliza's posts were excellent. Some families are just not good at being 'family' so you have to build a family yourself - be it friends or colleagues. It is very, very painful when you come to this realisation (as I have recently). Would you consider counselling? It might help you to see any patterns that have been developing in your family dynamic and might help to build strategies to live without them as they aren't helpful emotionally (or in any sense). My heart goes out to you . You seem like a lovely person.

Initially I was inclined to agree with most of the p. posters, that you need to confront them and ask WTF is going on. Although with the caveat that the answer may be not what you want to hear..but really, on reflection why?

They have shown you who they are, what they prioritize, whats important to them and who they want to spend their time with.
This isn't a little misunderstanding..."Oh disabled and struggling? - sorry - I hadn't noticed I just thought you'd ..."
I mean, what!!!...whats the word?...how do they end that sentence so they get to look good?

The longer you look at problems like this and the more you think about them, the more you realise why it is that estranged parents forums are full of people who are saying..."But they just cut me off and I have no Idea why."
I think it is awful that you have to ask for even a small measure of the consideration they give your sister