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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DC4?

27 replies

Firebirdie · 30/11/2016 21:25

I have 3DC, 1 from first marriage, 2 with DH, eldests is 15, youngest is 8. Honestly, I wasn't bothered either way about having any more DC after DC1, but DH really wanted them, and I can't imagine now not having had them. DH has always wanted more, but I had bad postnatal psychosis after DC3 and didn't want the risk of having that again, so it's even been an option.

The past month or so, DH has been talking a lot about how he wishes we had another baby. I'm in my early forties and there is now way I'm having another. I've told him this every time he's mentioned it to not give him any false hope, but he keeps going on and on about it until this morning we had an argument when he said it wouldn't hurt to have another baby and I basically told him he was free to have another DC but it wouldn't be with me. He told me I wasn't being fairly since I have 3DC and he doesnt and stormed off. He hasn't really spoken to me since.

I'm really shocked that he would say that, he's always treated DC1 as his own. He took himself off to be after he put DC to bed, and wont speak to me though I've tied. Am I really a terrible person for not wanting another child? I had such a horrific time with DC3 as a newborn, I feel like I'm too old and honestly, I don't see any appeal in having another.

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 30/11/2016 21:26

Yanbu. He's being a twat.

razmataz · 30/11/2016 21:29

YANBU! It's not as if he has no children, he has two! He is being a twat and very unreasonable.

thisagain · 30/11/2016 21:35

YANBU. I'm 47 with 3 children - 22, 14 and 6. I really wanted my third (though unplanned) but would really be unhappy to find out I was pregnant now. I couldn't imagine going back to babies. Stand your ground. I had to re-read your post to check he already had two children as his respond just didn't make sense unless all 3 of your children were before you met him!

rightsaidfrederickII · 30/11/2016 21:39

YANBU

He's already got two kids (which is plenty, on environmental grounds if nothing else!) so it's not as though he's been deprived of childrearing. I'm a bit confused by the idea that it's somehow unfair that you have 3DC and he "only" has 2. If you had another child together, you'd have 4DC and he'd "only" have 3 Confused

Add that to the fact that it would endanger your MH to have another one, the risk of birth defects when you're older is higher and - above all else - you don't want another one - of course you're not being unreasonable.

Tell him to go and buy a dog if he wants something else to look after...

baconandeggies · 30/11/2016 21:40

YANBU. If his response to your decision is to argue and sulk, then he doesn't see you as an equal partner and is a red flag for being controlling and EA. Where's the compassion? Psychosis is a good enough reason as any - but you don't have to justify yourself.

memyselfandaye · 30/11/2016 21:43

You are'nt being fair because you have 3 kids and he only has 2?

So then you will have 4 and he'll only have 3, then you could have number 5 and he'll have 4, he has'nt really thought that argument through has he?

Fwiw you sound like you already have 4 kids, whining on about shit not being fair is what 6yr olds do, not grown arse men.

QueenArseClangers · 30/11/2016 21:44

Tell him to grow his own uterus.

Andrewofgg · 30/11/2016 21:44

YANBU of course. Silly ass.

HeddaGarbled · 30/11/2016 21:50

No, you are not a terrible person at all. Your reasoning is sensible and valid. Your H on the other hand is behaving like a bully. Don't try and talk to him any more right now. He owes you a massive apology.

MLGs · 30/11/2016 22:50

YANBU.

What sex are your children? He's doubly unreasonable if this is about wanted a child of the other sex than you already have.

Astro55 · 30/11/2016 22:55

He's being a prize twat -

You've been honest and there's no point having a baby you really don't want - you move on -

Does he want you at home?

PacificDogwod · 30/11/2016 22:56

YANBUatallU, of course.

He is also not being unreasonable for wanting another child, but until he can go through pregnancy/childbirth/postnatal issues himself, sadly for him it's not up to him.

Unfortunately this is one of those situation in which there is no compromise.
I hope he comes round, but whether he does or not, you need to base what you want on your feelings on the subject. Personally, there is No Way I'd risk postnatal psychosis again, you poor thing.
Thanks

Dinosaursgoboo · 30/11/2016 22:58

Yanbu. He is being an idiot.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 30/11/2016 22:58

YANBU at all. I'm pregnant with dc4 and even I don't want 4 kids! Just enjoy your life, and sleep!

Damselindestress · 01/12/2016 10:59

YANBU. You don't want another baby and it's your body plus your health would be at risk because of the increased chance of complications over 40 and the high risk of psychosis re-occurring. It's very worrying that your husband is not concerned about your health. Having another baby could have a detrimental impact on your well-being and that of your existing children. He is being very petty pointing out that you have more children than him. It's not as if he has missed out on the chance to have children, he has a family and he needs to accept that or his desire to add to it could end up splitting up the family he already has!

BravoPanda · 01/12/2016 11:13

By the sounds of it OP you already have 4 children. What a twat. What happens when you have 4 and he only has 3? Will he want #5 then too? Tell him to grow the fuck up.

StefCWS · 01/12/2016 11:18

cheeky bastard, who the fuck does he think he is to demand you give him another child, its hard bloody work carrying a baby and also looking after a newborn. Stupid men I wish they knew what it was like to be pregnant .

Happybunny19 · 01/12/2016 11:21

Yanbu, what a twunt.

FourToTheFloor · 01/12/2016 11:38

Yanbu. Dh talks about dc3 and I am done at 2. He doesn't strop, when he gets my fuck off no answer and we generally laugh at the Shock of going back to ttc and baby daze.

DrQuinzel · 01/12/2016 11:42

YANBU. I had puerperal psychosis and I still have nightmares about it, it has impacted pretty much every aspect of my life with DD.

stitchglitched · 01/12/2016 11:43

YANBU, he is being an utter twat.

LagunaBubbles · 01/12/2016 11:46

Of course yanbu, no-one should feel forced or pressurised into having a child they dont want. However when couples cant agree there has to be a compromise, its how hes going to deal with this I would be concerned about.

Missrubyring · 01/12/2016 11:49

He actually said it wouldn't hurt to have another baby??? ... hell yes it does, it's just not him experiencing the pain!!!!
Your DH sounds like he has very little empathy here and that he's rather a bit of a twat. I don't have any advice but just wanted to say YANBU!!!

Huppopapa · 01/12/2016 11:56

Exactly what does he want a fourth child for (and I refuse to accept he hasn't got three already)? I dare say you love him and he has many positive traits, but in this regard he is being a selfish, solipsistic prick. YANBAtAllU.

Andrewofgg · 01/12/2016 13:35

No LagunaBubbles when one of a couple wants a child and the other doesn't they don't compromise - the one who wants one gives way. Male or female.