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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I just call it a day and leave

73 replies

Starypjs · 30/11/2016 20:19

My husbands lost his 5th job this year. Is it unreasonable to just pick up pack up and go. I can't take the instability any longer. I go to work, I have a good job, which I hate, but I do it because someone's got to pay the mortgage. I don't understand his total inability to man the fuck up, go to work and be someone I can rely on. I don't understand it where's his pride. I don't know what to do but I can't live like this. I can't even speak at the moment because if I do every single thought is going to come out of my mouth and some are better left unsaid. I just want to go to work come home enjoy myself with someone who does the same.

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 30/11/2016 21:30

Ah, self employed guy who believes he's too good for the 9-5 rat race, but is perfectly happy to let you to do that to pay the bills, because while he's a special person, you are perfectly suited to the mundane...

Time to draw a line under it, if you had DCs you'd have to have him be a SAHP because you couldn't trust him to work and couldn't trust that you wouldn't be signed into childcare costs with you both working just to have him walk out and you have to pay for unneeded childcare for a month or so...

mscongeniality · 30/11/2016 21:33

My BIL is like this. That's why he's single at 47.

NiceFalafels · 30/11/2016 21:39

Can you buy him out of his half of the house.

AlabasterSnowball · 30/11/2016 21:43

Stary please read this thread back and definately your own comments. Fro mthe outside looking in it's easy to see that giving him way to much power and losing your own in the process.
You are a good person, strong, caring and resiliant have faith in yourself. You are better than this and you deserve better

Original poster

Starypjs · 30/11/2016 21:45

I might be able to buy him out I'd really be stretching it but I might be able to do it

OP posts:

Original poster

Starypjs · 30/11/2016 21:50

I'm a bit of a wet lettuce aren't I? I didn't used to be I used to be an arse kicker. Now I feel like I'm a bit too eager to please and a bit of a wimp.

OP posts:

MrsLindor · 30/11/2016 21:51

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile I don't quite get your point, I'm saying as adults we have to go to work we, I do and so does the the OP, her Husband needs to learn to do the same. I wasn't having a go at the OP.

Personally I wouldn't give house room to a cocklodger.

Pandaponda · 30/11/2016 22:37

I sympathise OP. Yours is a much more extreme sitch than mine and I also have kids. My DH who does now go to work (under duress) has never really seen himself responsible for the family finances and so I've had to be the grown up. After years of being under massive stress doing a job I hated because I could never rely on his income, I've organised it so I'm now happily earning enough money as a freelancer to support us all and we are not vulnerable to his flakey approach to work. If he were to quit without asking me he would be out and he knows it. It sounds like you should leave but perhaps before you do as pp suggested, ask why you are with him? I've read somewhere that in situations like this it could be a sort of codependency thing where the more capable partner kind of enables the other one to be irresponsible. IYSWIM. It kind of applies to me. Be strong, look after yourself, put yourself first.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 30/11/2016 23:00

MrsLindor - Apologies. I totally misunderstood what you were saying.

Stary - You are NOT a wet lettuce. You are an exhausted and unhappy woman who is ground down by the worry of taking full responsibility for everything, and being forced to go daily into a job environment that you hate and will come to dread (if you don't already).

You are worth more than this. tell him to pull his socks up or he's out - and mean it. Been taken advantage of like this eats away at your own self-esteem and makes it more and more difficult to do anything about it the longer out goes on.

Whatever you finally do must be you decision, but you need to sit and think of your alternatives and what you are prepared to tolerate and what you are not, and then act accordingly.

Whatever your final choice, we're here to support you in it and to help you put it into practice as far as we can.

IdaDown · 30/11/2016 23:03

He's not a "good man".

PickAChew · 30/11/2016 23:04

Is he one of those people who thinks everyone he works with is an idiot. I know someone married to someone like that. He's probably right some of the time, and he got royally shafted way back when he did an "apprenticeship" (they wouldn't allow him out on his day release), but in his case, the number of idiots he seems to encounter, the odds are pretty low.

He's only started to get into stable-ish employment in his 30s. Stil working with idiots, of course.

TheSockGoblin · 30/11/2016 23:10

You're not a wimp, but you have correctly identified that he doesn't plan on changing because he always has you there to pick up the pieces.

There are no consequences to his actions that he cares about. Sorry that's harsh but he doesn't care that it puts you under enormous pressure and stress.

He knows he can rely on you to pick up the slack when he decides to drop it on a whim. That's not partnership or respect or love, or the actions of a good man.

Glastokitty · 30/11/2016 23:48

I couldn't put up with this. My husband lost his job earlier this year. He has absolutely bust a gut since doing temp work until he got a permanent job again. Now he is back at what he calls a proper job, he is grabbing all the overtime he can so we can catch up financially. He has been incredibly grateful that my job was able to keep the show on the road in the meantime, and was utterly miserable until he felt he was pulling his weight financially again. This is what I would expect from any man or woman, anyone who quit one job without consultation, never mind five, would be getting the boot as a lazy entitled freeloader.

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/12/2016 07:09

What does he do when he's not working?

Original poster

Starypjs · 01/12/2016 07:31

Lollop around on the sofa.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/12/2016 07:35

Right, well no ones going to pay him to do that.

See a lawyer, see where you stand & then get rid.

You can't sponge off another adult like this.

Pandaponda · 01/12/2016 07:35

What would happen if you threatened to quit your job? Or got signed off sick for stress? Is there a pain point for him at which he realised it's stick at work or his life gets a whole lot more difficult?

Pandaponda · 01/12/2016 07:45

OP not to let your OH off the hook as he sounds like a freeloader but it just occurred to me cloud he be depressed? This has been an issue with my DH.

Rumtopf · 01/12/2016 08:12

You're not a wet lettuce, but you do need to channel some of that old arse kicking spirit.
Do you want to be in this same position in a year, 5 years - with possibly kids involved too?

If you can buy him out at a stretch, and just the basic that he's contributed, if you've been paying all the bills on the house I'd be very reluctant to give him 50%, see a solicitor to go over that properly, could you get a lodger to help with the bills once he's gone?

mirokarikovo · 01/12/2016 09:12

A cocklodger is a man who fundamentally believes that his possession of a penis is sufficient contribution to the household and no further contributions such as money for bills, or effort towards housework and property maintenance, is necessary or reasonable to expect - and anything of this nature that he does choose to supply should be greeted with rapturous gratitude and praise for his generosity and kindness.

OohhThatsMe · 01/12/2016 11:51

If he could stomp into the other room, there mustn't have been too much wrong with his leg!

And if he thinks he can walk off without notice, why can't you leave the relationship without notice? He clearly thinks it's an acceptable way to behave, doesn't he?

OohhThatsMe · 01/12/2016 11:52

This should be part of the curriculum in every school in the country.

DrowningInPoop · 01/12/2016 12:28

Give yourself the best possible present for 2017 - a divorce. Even if you have to sell up and downsize, it would be something that is yours, you'd be solely responsible for it but not constantly waiting for him to mess up - imagine the bliss!

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