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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to leave my DH?

26 replies

user1476879603 · 30/11/2016 20:08

Married 15 years, 2 DC 19 and 4. I have serious medical conditions which mean I have gained 7 stone in 6months. DH hasn't touched me and told me that he finds me unattractive.

I am taking diet tablets but they don't work and awaiting surgery on my back.

AIBU to leave him? He married me for me and wont have sex with me until I lose weight which could be ages.

So fed up.

OP posts:

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 30/11/2016 20:19

Do you still love him? . Is he affectionate with you in other ways?

Tbh, I can see why extreme weight gain could put a person off someone physically. That may seem cruel, but I would still expect the person to be loving and supportive towards you. It doesn't sound as if that's the case here.

Olympiathequeen · 30/11/2016 20:22

Think you need to ask about the relationship as a whole and how much he still loves you. Just curious but what medical condition makes you put on 7 stone?

IonaNE · 30/11/2016 20:26

He married me for me
I wonder if he did... it seems to me that he married you for your body?
He is BU.

lokivonpoki · 30/11/2016 21:04

No you are NBU, he married you for the person you are and not the body you are in, unless of course you have decided to just sit and eat all day long then of course the person you are has changed.
Do not let this man do this to you, if he is saying he no longer find you actractice/sexy then he is discounting the love he had for you as a person, and yoi are better off without him in your life

scottishdiem · 30/11/2016 21:14

I do hope you are getting advice and support for the weight gain. That is an awful lot to gain in such a short space of time and will be putting additional stress on your body as well as the actual conditions.

Its up to you if you want to leave him. You may find someone who likes larger women and then you might lose them if you drop the weight back off.

The idea that physical attraction on both sides never matters is, frankly, mince.

How can someone be turned on by something that doesnt turn them on? There are other methods of intimacy and pleasure that don't involve intercourse as well as toys. Perhaps that can be a way forward?

Mishegoss · 30/11/2016 21:17

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to leave him but I don't think he's being unreasonable either. It will be such a big change for him in a short space of time, I think a lot of people would struggle if they were being honest.. We're all human. If neither of you are happy and you're considering leaving then it might be better for everyone.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 30/11/2016 21:23

Yes. I'd leave.

I've gained 5 stone due to massive amounts of steroids given to me as treatment for an ongoing illness.

My dh still loves and wants me as much as ever. He has gained weight since we met too, but I don't know how much and I don't care. I still feel the same about him.

If he had a problem with it, I suppose he might not be able to help it, and at least he had been honest with me. But I wouldn't be able to help ending the relationship, because it would be a deal breaker in a relationship with me, just as being a certain weight was a deal breaker for sex for him.

Original poster

user1476879603 · 30/11/2016 21:51

I have always been an active person until I re-did my back in - I cant walk or stand for more than 5 minutes so now work in an office. I don't do any exercise until I've had my surgery. I also suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I struggle to work full time and on very strong pain killers and medication for my depression but it gives me the munchies in the evening. I am also on a high dose of steroids.

He still says he loves me but hasn't got a sex drive and also doesn't find my weight attractive. I am cutting back on the amount I eat but its going to take months to lose the weight.

I saw a photo of me and I look like a baby elephant - gone from a size 8 to a 22.

Can a marriage survive without sex?

OP posts:

PrincessConsuelaTheSecond · 30/11/2016 22:02

An 8 to a 22 is quite a leap. Over what period of time have you gained 7 stone?

PrincessConsuelaTheSecond · 30/11/2016 22:10

Just seen it's six months. How is that physically possible?

Colby43443 · 30/11/2016 22:24

Re: weight loss- You need an 'inactive diet' else this will just get worse. 1000-1200 calories tops if you're over 5 4. My aunt had a slipped disc and she put on ten stone in a year and couldn't lose it all again. This is the one and ONLY time I'll reccomend MyFitnessPal as it is really good for weight loss if you can't move much - aunt lost five stones over the past year.

Re: dh, I think your problems are bigger than the weight gain tbh. Has communication broken down? Have you stopped caring for yourself in other ways (ie shaving/waxing, hygeine etc)? Are you (or he) no longer interested in the things you used to have in common?

BuntyCollocks · 30/11/2016 22:31

1000-1200 calories is ridiculous to throw around! That is far less than anyone needs. Have a look at BMR and TDEE. All you'll do eating calories that low is fuck your metabolism to the point you can't lose weight no matter how little you eat.

Colby43443 · 30/11/2016 22:43

1200 is what is recommended for inactive people. Ie people who can't exercise or who are bed bound. My aunt's dietician helped her set up myfitnesspal then created a diet that worked for her - 3 400 cal meals.

Colby43443 · 30/11/2016 22:44

We are talking for weight loss here not maintenance. Its not supposed to be permanent

Original poster

user1476879603 · 30/11/2016 22:46

I used to work with horses so was active 12 hours a day, 7 days a week so could drink pop and eat what I liked.

I had a nasty fall and injured my back. I stupidly carried on eating the way I was. I have stopped now but still probably eat more than I should do.

I make an effort for work but don't normally get dressed at the weekends as my anxiety is sky high. My DH does everything for DC whilst I watch box sets.

I'm not the woman he married - I feel like I should leave the family unit and let him get on with his life :-(

OP posts:

amicissimma · 30/11/2016 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishdiem · 30/11/2016 23:03

If he says he still loves you that is something to build on if you still love him. The opening post seemed a little more bleak and that your desire for sex was some kind of breaking point. Now you say that you should leave the family and get on yet this is not something that he has said he wants.

Its clear that you have health problems and people can make allowances for that. If he hasn't made sex a deal breaker for the marriage I don't think you should either. There can be other, less physical, ways to be intimate which might be worth exploring.

MissVictoria · 30/11/2016 23:03

Going against the grain, but quite honestly, people have a type, and you can't force yourself to find something attractive. 7 stone is a lot of weight, depending on your height that can be a whole person worth of weight. I'm speaking as someone who could afford to, and should, lose around 5 stone myself. Not to mention the weight gain happened over the space of 6 months, that's really not a long time, the change was big, and it happened quickly, he's not really had time to adjust to it.
If your husband happens to be physically/sexually attracted to slim women, that's not a preference he can just decide to change. Loving a person isn't the same as finding them sexually attractive. I'm sure his love for you hasn't changed, but if he's not attracted to you physically, he can't force himself to become aroused, and if he's not interested sexually, it's not his fault. Nor would it be fair for you to expect him to have sex when he doesn't want it.
I'm a little confused how you've gained 7 stone in such a short time. I appreciate you have medical conditions, from your post it seems one of those is making you immobile, but you would have to be eating a hell of a lot of calories to put on 7 stone. It takes 3000 extra calories to put on a pound of fat, if you've gained 94 pounds that's a LOT of excess calories you've consumed. Even if one or more of the conditions is metabolic/thyroid thats a very excessive gain and your doctor should definitely be worried.
I'm not saying it's your fault, of course it isn't, you can't help having medical issues, but it isn't your husbands fault to not find you physically attractive as a result.

jacks11 · 30/11/2016 23:11

I think that you need to speak to your DH. I wonder if it is only partly about your weight- it sounds like there is lots going on which may be impacting on your relationship.

Of course your DH should love and support you no matter how what your weight. But he may not find you as physically attractive at the moment and that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you/has never loved you/only married you for your slim body. Physical attraction and intimacy is more complicated than that, IMHO. He says he loves you but has reduced libido- maybe that is actually true?

You said in your last post that you don't do much at the weekend, don't get dressed or interact with the family- you watch box sets while your DC does things with your DC (does he also do the housework and so on?). Perhaps your DH is also a bit worn out by it all and this is having an impact on how he feels towards you, as well as reducing his libido.

I understand that you are struggling with your physical and mental health problems and hope you are getting the help you need. None of what I have said re your DH is meant as a criticism- I just wonder if you thought about other reasons that might be affecting your relationship.

Lewwat · 30/11/2016 23:12

Come on, this isn't just a weight issue. From your posts you are completely withdrawing from family life. Not getting dressed? Laying in bed all day watching TV? Not doing anything with the DC. I can completely see why he doesn't want sex with you. Why would he? What are you doing for him? I understand you have health issues but that is not your husbands, or your children's fault. You need to make an effort to be more involved in family life. You may then get the desired response.

jacks11 · 30/11/2016 23:13

sorry- should read ...."whilst your DH does things for/with your DC".

PickAChew · 30/11/2016 23:15

He says he loves you, but is he loving towards you - chat about your days, cups of tea offered, that sort of thing.

if that's still there, then your relationship may be salvageable. If that's gone, then you might have learnt more about him than you wanted to and splitting might be a positive thing for you - but not to run straight into another relationship, until oyu're in a better mental place regarding your health.

PickAChew · 30/11/2016 23:20

To be fair, with some back injuries, getting up and moving about, despte pain, is advisible (I've refused lifts while shuffling because it won't get better if I don't move) while others need lots of rest and really let you know when you're even mildly overdo it - in that case, staying in bed will often happen and getting dressed may be actually rather difficult (I've had DH help me with that when my back's given out and I can't get anything over or on my feet.)

clumsyduck · 30/11/2016 23:21

As a pp has said this is more than about weight

If you'd come on here and said my dh lays about all weekend watching box sets and I do everything what do you think people would say .

Am not having a go Iv struggled with anxiety and depression so I get it I do the need to hide away etc but you need help with that before you even begin to worry about diets etc . You sound like you want to run away I bet that's the last thing on earth your dh and dc want op .

Original poster

user1476879603 · 01/12/2016 09:42

I totally agree with all of you.

I hate my job and hate the commute - does my anxiety no good but I earn very good money as I have a very good job. I get my benzos on a Thursday for the week and they are normally gone in a few days.

My DH is a lovely man but can have a very sharp nasty tongue. He is always talking about the future and I am in it. But how do I lose the weight so we can be intimate again?

I do most of the housework when I am happy on benzos and then leave it when going through withdrawal.

We are supposed to be going on holiday but I cant see me getting out of jogging bottoms and t shirts as people will obviously stare at the fat lady.

OP posts:

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