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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I am being bullied by children?

91 replies

GreySealWhiteWater · 30/11/2016 19:23

I have started a new job and I know children can be cruel but I am starting to feel a little bit bullied Sad

The situation is that the children mock my weight but do so quite surreptitiously and as such challenging them is different. I'm also feeling really paranoid. Have never had this before.

AIBU and a bit of an idiot?

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 30/11/2016 20:28

A child in my old school was excluded for telling a female teacher to 'fuck off you fat bitch'. Totally unacceptable to speak to staff like that.

Original poster
GreySealWhiteWater · 30/11/2016 20:31

Thanks Moo

You're correct, absolutely correct.

OP posts:
Sandsnake · 30/11/2016 20:31

Bullying from children to teachers can absolutely happen - YANBU. I would 100% report it to the school management. They need to come down on it like a ton of bricks. Flowers for you OP - please don't let them make you feel bad about yourself.

NotYoda · 30/11/2016 20:32

What I would add, as a parent is that if mine said anything like that, or even answered back to a teacher, I'd want them disciplined.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/11/2016 20:33

Comment 'you clearly never walk anywhere' is certainly not sly or covert, and nobody could say you were too sensitive or imagining it. Totally appropriate to challenge.

mineofuselessinformation · 30/11/2016 20:34

Challenge every time.
'What do you mean by that', 'Do you want to come with me and see HT to explain what that means?', 'Sorry, what do you mean?'. Short simple phrases designed to shut them down.
Confide in a colleague and enlist their help if you can.
It does sound like you're feeling very sensitive and that can make it hard to deal with the situation.
I may get flamed for this, but as an experienced teacher, I do believe youngsters are a bit like animals in that they can sense any weakness in you and exploit it. Start 'fighting back' in the ways that I've suggested.
Don't let them get away with it. It's disrespectful, and you know as well as I do that the instant you made a comment like that, it would be reported.
Keep your chin up.

hesterton · 30/11/2016 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amandahugandkisses · 30/11/2016 20:36

That is really horrible. At my daughters' school girls would be hauled over the coals for a comment like that. Serious trouble and parents contacted.
Please tell them off - why do you feel you can't? It seems you are v lie in confidence.
You are not ugly. ease don't talk about yourself like that. You are a human being and you deserve respect from people you are trying to help.

pieceofpurplesky · 30/11/2016 20:36

Oohthatsme yes. Secondary. Not an affluent area.

Original poster
GreySealWhiteWater · 30/11/2016 20:40

I do but you're quite limited in what sanctions you can give.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 30/11/2016 20:40

You need to stamp on this as hard as if the teens were saying it to each other. It's hard not to let it get to you, but they're just going for what they think will upset you the most. Oscar winning performance needed to show them you're not perturbed in the slightest but you're coming down on them like a ton of bricks with a righteous anger based on the fact that it's totally inappropriate for them to speak to anyone like that.

I find ringing parents an extremely effective tool in dealing with this sort of thing.

honeysucklejasmine · 30/11/2016 20:45

If sanctions are limited then the school has a behaviour problem. Speak to SLT.

temporarilyjerry · 30/11/2016 20:47

What I would add, as a parent is that if mine said anything like that, or even answered back to a teacher, I'd want them disciplined.

If only more parents had this attitude, NotYoda. Star

Trifleorbust · 30/11/2016 20:53

PurpleDaisies: Absolutely this. Bullying of anyone and making personal comments about anyone are completely unacceptable; this needs to be the message here.

donquixotedelamancha · 30/11/2016 20:54

"I won't post again."

I don't think that phrase means what you think it means :-)

"today I told a boy to get his planner.........Stormed off shouting 'well you never walk anywhere clearly."

Fat, ugly teacher here too; at a rough school. If that kid isn't eating through a straw, you are doing it wrong (that's a metaphor before the anti-teacher loons start on me).

First duty as a teacher is to create a positive safe classroom, if you can't do that for yourself, you can't do it for the vulnerable kids- it can be a much tougher ask than people think.

I could suggest strategies but there is no point- do something else instead. Kids are great at hunting down your weaknesses, you have to be able to own them. Honestly, you need a new career.

Bunnyfuller · 30/11/2016 20:54

If they're happy to do it to an authority figure you can be sure the ignorant little bastards are doing it to other kids. Or piss taking for ginger, skinny, short, tall. Definitely get it tackled.

temporarilyjerry · 30/11/2016 20:54

How long have you been in this job? Is there a colleague who could support you in this? HOD?

donquixotedelamancha · 30/11/2016 20:57

"Bullying of anyone and making personal comments about anyone are completely unacceptable; this needs to be the message here"

Dead right- you have to be able to train even challenging kids that they have to behave respectfully to each other. Not possible of you don't expect to get treated with respect yourself.

ThirdTimeLuck · 30/11/2016 20:57

I used to teach and I suffered from a lot of comments about a particular feature. At first I would ignore the comments and just feel bad about it, this went on for a long time and it really dragged me down. One day I decided enough was enough. I waited for a comment, sent the offender out of the room to panic for a few moments before I went out to speak to him, then I asked directly what he meant by the comment. He was so shocked I'd confronted the situation that all I had to do was make a few noises about phoning home and really talking about the particular feature made him way more embarrassed than I'd been from the actual comment. Taking him away from the 'pack' situation also helped as confronting them all at once just encourages them to fight back as they egg each other on. I had to do this with a few of the main offenders but eventually it stopped.

Just to clarify, the feature is on my face.

SoOverItNow · 30/11/2016 21:05

Yanbu to feel bullied, however, if you want to stay in your job and keep your sanity, you are going to need to tackle this head on and win.

You need to realise they are going for your weak spot. You need divide, rule, to name their behaviour and get sanctions in place. Follow through, refer on, do whatever it takes. You must win this.

kaitlinktm · 30/11/2016 21:11

I empathise OP - being fat myself and losing the weight battle all the time I was teaching secondary (primary doesn't seem as bad). However, the more you let things go which they know you might well have heard, the more it will happen. It is important to act on things - you could keep them behind if you don't want to bring it up in front of others.

I used to keep a shorthand pad on my desk and I used to just jot names and little notes on it to remind me of who said what and when. Otherwise it is amazing what you can forget by the end of an hour. Call them out on it - even if they deny it you can kick up a fuss, it might make them think twice before doing it again.

One thing some year 10 boys used to do was use the word obese a lot in my hearing. I used to ask if it was supposed to be directed at me (which they denied amid much hilarity). I then pointed out how rude it would be if it were and that in any case I would be discussing the remarks with (HOY - whoever) . I also pointed out that I thought if pupils were being disrespectful I would certainly be acting on it - including contacting parents. They seemed to wind their necks in a bit after that.

I know I have given the impression that this was always happening, but I worked at that school (not a particularly easy one) for over 20 years and had relatively few incidents like this. I think it was because they realised that it wasn't a big deal for me - I didn't care and sometimes joked about it myself - so they knew it wouldn't upset me. It's just that some teenagers just like to be unpleasant. The more they think they can get away with it, the more they will do it.

You could have this sorted by Christmas if you start tomorrow!

Good luck (don't worry - I'm fat and ugly too and I don't give a shit!!)

RegentsParkWolf · 30/11/2016 21:12

Some really good advice here about ways to challenge this - I like the idea that it's about ensuring the school is safe for everyone, that depersonalises it a bit. I'd just add that, when comments are snide kids can deny they meant it 'I just meant you don't walk coz I've seen you in you're car' with innocent expression type of thing. It can leave you doubting yourself - don't. You know damn well what they mean so stick to your guns and don't argue with them. Pull them up on it then glare if they try to argue. If they do it again, time for sanctions. Very tough, hope you can find someone to back you.

Trifleorbust · 30/11/2016 21:13

The best book for dealing with pupil behaviour of all sorts that I have come across is The Behaviour Guru by Tom Bennett. He sets out lots of different scenarios and then suggests approaches to dealing with them. The common message is about understanding that it is your classroom, so your job to set the tone and make the students understand that, come hell or high water, they won't be getting away with crossing the lines you draw. If that means calling home, calling on parents, pulling them out of class, staying behind for detentions, involving pastoral teams, setting report cards, calling them on it every time they do not follow an instruction, then that is what you will do. My students know I will go to the mats for good behaviour Wink They stop doing it after a while.

Itchyclit · 30/11/2016 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PurpleDaisies · 30/11/2016 21:18

Guess who wins the prize for the most unhelpful post if the thread? Hmm