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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why is it usually the woman who gives up work?

497 replies

Firedoll · 30/11/2016 10:11

I'm on mat leave and have been asked 30+ times if I'll be going back to work and, when I say yes, if I'll be part time.

My DH has never once been asked about his working hours since our DS was born.

And if I say yes I am going back to work I get "oh, will your DS go to nursery/will you get a nanny?" The idea that my DH could look after DS for some of the time while I'm at work just doesn't even enters people's heads.

I don't blame people for asking because they're just making conversation. And it seems they are making a reasonable assumption as if one of the couple is going to give up work/reduce their hours, most of the time it will be the woman. In my experience at least.

But why is this? I see so often on here people saying that their OH couldn't go part time or is the higher earner. But all the latest reports suggest women in their twenties are now out earning men so that can't be true for the majority.

Is it just a cultural thing?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 03/12/2016 14:30

" If our jobs were reversed I'd like to think that he'd be the one to cut his hours down."
May well be the case for you if situations reversed but not much evidence of it on the thread. Plenty of women explaining earnestly that in their family the husband earns a lot more and therefore it made sense for her to sah...but of course they think their family is unique in this regard

Basicbrown · 03/12/2016 14:48

It's just human nature. Humans have developed and evolved with women raising children and men providing for them. It's not politically correct in the modern day, but this is the reason why it is like that.

Oh nonsense. The point is that before contraception most women were pregnant or breastfeeding most of the time. Then their vaginas fell out and goodness knows what else, so the man was the most physically able to work and the woman physically worn. Things have changed but we still have weird stereotypes. DH is perfectly good with the children, every bit as good as me (and tbh I wasnt much better at breastfeeding )

YelloDraw · 03/12/2016 14:50

I'm pretty sure with most animals, the male fucks off and has nothing to do with the offspring

Not all!

Penguins share the burden. Lots of birds share. Those frogs on planet earth last week the dad did the egg sitting.

OutComeTheWolves · 03/12/2016 15:00

I can only speak for myself not all women but before I had my first, sacrificing my career wasn't something that even crossed my mind. I did (and still do) think it's incredibly sexist to assume the woman's career is basically the least important thing after dad's career and motherhood.

However, once ds was born, I just really wanted to be the person who was looking after him during the day. I didn't want him to spend most of his week with other people. We couldn't afford for me to be a SAHM but I reduced my hours significantly.

Obviously that's just my personal experience & I made a decision that suited us. Many other families make completely different decisions which would equally suit their family.

I think it gets dangerous when we start making mass generalisations ie I stopped being as bothered by my career therefore all women who care about their kids also do the same.

MommaGee · 03/12/2016 15:04

Yellodraw sea horses the dad pulls his weight too. Daddy penguins rock

ThunderAndFrightening · 03/12/2016 15:06

Women are asked to justify their decisions about working, the hours they work or staying at home, in a way that men never are - it's just sexism and conditioning, that then results in more social norms and more assumptions. Same reason, I, like many other WOH mothers, get asked usually with a sympathetic head tilt how I manage to work and be mum to 2 DCs, DH never gets asked and he's treated like a bloody hero if he does the school run. Generally though people are just making conversation based on societies norms.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/12/2016 15:07

There's no way I would have given up my maternity leave through choice and have DH be at home with DS all day because I wanted to be with my baby.

Comtesse · 03/12/2016 15:24

apparently shared parental leave was first introduced in Sweden in 1974 - we may have a long wait until it looks a bit more even in the UK...

EllieQ · 03/12/2016 18:30

Yes, Writerwannabe, I didn't want to spend time with my baby so I went back to work after seven months and left her with my husband, her father

Comtesse, I agree about the cultural expectations you mentioned on the previous page. DH is amazing for taking parental leave and being at home one day every other week, but no one thinks I'm amazing for being at home one day a week.

And to reference a PP who said boys don't want to look after babies so they don't get given baby dolls etc, I suspect that cause and effect is working the other way there..

Writerwannabe83 · 03/12/2016 18:35

ellie - "Yes, Writerwannabe, I didn't want to spend time with my baby so I went back to work after seven months and left her with my husband, her father..."

I was more thinking about the first 3-4 months after the baby's birth and that by choice I wouldn't have wanted to go back to work after a short maternity and leave DS with DH so he can do his share of Parental Leave. I imagine that many women would prefer to be at home with the baby than share parental leave in those first 6 months or so. I may be wrong though.

penguinpurple · 03/12/2016 18:48

I live in Sweden and attitudes are totally different here as a result of government policies. All the men I know take more than the minimum of 2 months paternity leave. Everyone regards it as completely normal for dads to have an equal role in the home, do childcare drop offs and take time off with sick kids. It is only when on trips back to the UK that I start getting comments about how good dh is, because he changes nappies and doesn't ignore his own child.
SAHP generally don't exist apart from in cases of unemployment of long term illness but it is so much less stressful combining work and family life as parental leave is so generous, childcare is heavily subsidised and taking time off when your child is sick is not an issue. You can save some parental leave for taking in summer holidays or other times you might need it.

roundaboutthetown · 03/12/2016 18:59

Sweden - also a country where companies are willing to move to a six hour working day, because employees are happier that way, and the population are far less bothered by high tax rates. Therefore bears little resemblance to the UK, unfortunately.

goodbeans · 03/12/2016 19:08

It would have made most sense for DH to take parental leave (he earns less than me, and his work offer a better parental pay package) and I would have been happy for him to do so if he could breastfeed. But he can't, obviously.

And once the career damage had been done, there was little sense in him tarnishing his career too, so I have gone back part-time rather than him.

Basicbrown · 03/12/2016 19:15

I imagine that many women would prefer to be at home with the baby than share parental leave in those first 6 months or so. I may be wrong though.

And I imagine that many men would like to have a 1950s housewife who has been baking and cleaning and ensured her lippy is on as he walks through the door. But with equality we have to take account of what both the mother and the father wants surely....?

Writerwannabe83 · 03/12/2016 19:24

True basic but I don't think there are many men out there who would be excited at the thought of take BF 3+ months off work and staying at home with the baby instead and doing all the household asks/jobs that accompany the role of a SAHP.

If a man did want to share parental leave though and his wife was all for it then great - but if my DH had asked me to go back to work early so he could be the SAHP for a few months my reaction wouldn't have been a good one

Basicbrown · 03/12/2016 19:30

My DH did it for a couple of months and before shared leave. I don't really get why a woman has a God given right to take a year off, it's a weird concept that leads to discrimination imo. OK if the baby is breast fed then that's one thing and could be a reason for it to be mum, but after 6 months the vast majority aren't.

Tbh I really found maternity leave tedious. I am not alone although perhaps a minority I will concede.

DragonNoodleCake · 03/12/2016 19:38

From my group of close friends I'm the only one of us that works full time. They all choose to spend more time at home with their kids while they are young. I struggle sometimes but I love my career. DH at the time earned more than me, but he'd have loved to have taken some of the leave (It came in after DD2). He's an awesome dad and would have made a good go of it.

EllieQ · 03/12/2016 19:41

Writer, I wouldn't have wanted to go back in the early months as I recovered from childbirth and got to grips with being a mother, but I was fine to go back once she was a few months older. I would assume most people taking shared leave would have the father at home in the later months. It also makes settling back into work easier as you're not having to settle the baby into nursery at the same time.

Comments like yours basically imply mothers who go back to work early aren't really maternal. And it's sad to think that if your husband wanted to spend more time with his child, you'd refuse.

LaPharisienne · 03/12/2016 20:01

We both wanted me to stay at home and could afford for me to give up my job.

Why we wanted it was a mixture of: (1) me having longed for children, loving being a mother and not wanting to miss a second; (2) DP loving me and children and wanting us to be happy; (3) a strong shared belief that it was important for the children to have one consistent caregiver at home; and (4) fond memories for both of us of our mothers and how wonderful it had been to have them at home all the time.

I had a great and extremely well paid job, career success in a very competitive field etc. but was happy to put all that on pause so I could focus on the job of home/ family. We were lucky that despite my success, DP earned multiples of my salary.

Everyone wittering on about indoctrination, gender bias and how terrible it is to be a SAHM can do one - I'm not a fucking simpleton and neither is DP (yes that's right - we're not married and I don't give a shit about that either).

Writerwannabe83 · 03/12/2016 20:05

I wasn't generalising though Ellie - I'm just saying that for me I wouldn't have wanted to go back earlier than I did (9 months) because I wanted to be with my baby. I'm allowed to have my own feelings about my situation without it being twisted to imply that I'm saying mothers who do go back to work earlier than that aren't maternal.

I'm all for anyone doing whatever suits them and their family best. I don't think a woman's job or career status has any correlation to he feeling of being maternal, they are two completely separate things.

Basicbrown · 03/12/2016 20:06

I don't think you've read the thread tbh. If it works for you then there isn't a problem. It is when such 'societal norms' are forced on people they don't work for it is a problem. I would hate to be a sahm but if you are happy what relevance died that have to anything?

Basicbrown · 03/12/2016 20:06

Does

EllieQ · 03/12/2016 20:09

It's a bit of a vicious circle, isn't it - men do less with the baby in the early months because they're not around as much, they don't feel as confident so defer to the mum, boys grow up not seeing their dad do as much childcare/ housework and not being encouraged to play with dolls etc, and carry this attitude into adulthood.

So though individual choices are made by what is best for each couple (I didn't want to SAH and that's my choice, other women do want to SAH and that's their choice), culturally there are all these messages influencing your choice that you're probably not aware of. So men can say 'I don't want to spend time with my child' and that's acceptable because society tells us it's ok, and it's assumed women won't go back to work/ will go part-time, and that's normal.

Munstermonchgirl · 03/12/2016 20:13

I had 3 months maternity leave with dd1 because that was long paid leave was 25 years ago. I was a long
Term breast feeder btw. I would have used shared parental leave like a shot if it had been around then and can't understand why take up is so low.

Minesnotahighhorse · 03/12/2016 20:15

And once again, the OP was in relation to women returning to work post maternity leave and not actually about shared parental leave at all. So the "because breastfeeding" and "I didn't want to share my leave" responses are missing the point.
There have been some views expressed on this thread that really confuse me, such as the blithe acceptance of men earning more at the point of having children because "they are older" by, like, 4 years. It is 2016, you'll find very few professions where wages are bound to length of service. People move jobs, industries, pivot, make sideways moves - the idea that you will naturally be on a higher salary because you are older and it has nothing to do with gender is very questionable.
Also, I know maternity discrimination is rife, and that is shit, but I hate to see the notion that you have "damaged" your work prospects by taking a year out expressed as fact, i.e. you shouldn't even bother going back. If you are fit and well your working life is long and one or two or even three years out is not a lot in the grand scheme of things.
Of course, this is all moot if you just don't want to work and that works for your family, that's all good, it's just challenging some of the rationale expressed on the thread.

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