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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to tell my sister to shove off?

64 replies

GerardNoWay · 29/11/2016 21:41

It's my mum's birthday in a couple of weeks and my sister has booked a table for a meal out.

She text me to say that she had booked the table at so and so restaurant at so and so time, could we come?

I reply to say that DD, who is 1, and I can come but OH can't as he is working.

She replies saying that she is concerned about me bringing DD as it will be busy and I won't enjoy myself and she's not sure about the crowd in the restaurant Confused

My reply is simply: I don't have childcare, I either bring her or I don't come.

I'm so pissed off. I live a way away from my parents and her, so it's a trek for me to get there. I don't have access to childcare in the same way that she does. I'm horrified that she would suggest that I don't bring DD when that essentially rules out me coming? ? And she knows this!

I know it sounds petty but it's really irritated me! AiBU to tell her to shove it?

OP posts:
slenderisthenight · 29/11/2016 22:39

And don't let yourself be pushed out in your own family. It's a slippery slope and is too easy for other family members to assume that this is the way you want it, leading to further hurt.

CheshireChat · 29/11/2016 22:57

Talk to your mum and make it clear why you won't be attending, if that's what you decide.

But it is a shit move from your sister.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 29/11/2016 23:12

If you think your DD will be fine then go. Enjoy it and celebrate your mum.

and feel smug that your sister hasn't stopped you joining in

MommaGee · 29/11/2016 23:45

Think sister is being a cow trying. To appease her own guilt at not taking her child is being very inconsiderate. If ots not a surprise meal I'd explain to your mom your predicament and see what she says.

What time is the meal?.

Unwrapped · 30/11/2016 09:44

Thing is, a grumpy baby is likely to ruin the meal for everyone. Sounds like your sister wants a childfree evening since she's booked a non-child-friendly place.
Nothing wrong with not wanting a young child present, babies change the dynamic and it's hard to talk/concentrate when they're demanding attention or wanting to get down and play. Can you arrange another gathering for lunchtime?

We take our toddler to restaurants a lot (and have done since he was born) but tend to pick child friendly places and eat early, if he gets grumpy/noisy one of us takes him out for a walk. I wouldn't take him to a group meal unless invited to do so.

Trifleorbust · 30/11/2016 09:55

I think it depends on the situation here. She has booked it and is sending out the invites, but it's not 'her' event, it is your mum's. But if it's a surprise dinner then she is 'hosting' and I think (however unreasonable) she has the right to say who attends. Also if she is paying then she is entitled to say who attends. If she isn't and her role is booking and choosing the restaurant but that's it, then I would just check with the restaurant what the policy is wrt children and go with that.

Amelie10 · 30/11/2016 10:09

It depends on whether your mum would enjoy having her gc there or want an adult only evening. I think your sister is being ur though and you should take your dd.
Also are you really 'horrified' Hmma bit dramatic and think there's a thread here about that.

MistressMerryWeather · 30/11/2016 10:19

Wanting a child free meal out in a nice restaurant isn't a crime - People on this thread are acting like she has done this to spite OP.

Far more likely she chose the place because it's somewhere your mum would enjoy?

She actually sounds more concerned about the fact that you won't be able to fully let your hair down which is actually a nice thought.

MiaowMix · 30/11/2016 10:24

Is it an evening meal rather than lunch?
If so I would have assumed it's not suitable for young babies/toddlers.
Does your h work nights then? Otherwise surely he just has dd?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 30/11/2016 10:32

Most restaurants are not family friendly of an evening though are they. I agree a babysitter might be best.

family aside, I imagine she could be disruptive for the other customers, many of whom may have paid for babysitters themselves for a nice meal out only to listen to your DD babble/shout/cry instead of their own DC.

I am not being a cow, just imagining how I would feel on a rare child free night to have a 1 year old at the next table. I say this as someone with her own 1 year old, a 9 year old and a newborn arriving in a couple of days.

drinkingtea · 30/11/2016 10:41

Is it a surprise?

If not, talk directly to your mum about what she wants.

If it were your sister's birthday she would not be unreasonable to want it child free, but it isn't, so see what your mum wants and act accordingly.

If your mum wants a grown up meal then wish her all the best sincerely and arrange to meet up the previous or next day to spend birthday time together with her and your DD.

MistressMerryWeather · 30/11/2016 10:44

That's pretty unfair on OPs poor mum.

Of course she isn't going to say 'Actually, no I don't want my DGD there so don't bother coming'

Leave your mum out of it.

drinkingtea · 30/11/2016 10:48

On MN people are always pretending that they make all their decisions by thinking through what imaginary hypothetical strangers who they may or may not come into contact with might or might not want to experience, and that they are always desperately keen to tie themselves in knots (not to mention incur substantial extra costs) to ensure that they plan their lives in order that nothing they do could possibly, theoretically, inconvenience these hypothetical people, on the off chance that the hypothetical people think xzy or want abc or don't like 1,2 and 3 ...

This incredibly self effacing approach is interesting but actually highly unlikely to be practical or to be the way many people live their lives...

willconcern · 30/11/2016 10:49

What time is the meal? If it's lunch, then YANBU. If it's an evening meal, then I think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't want to go out for a meal in an adult restaurant to find a 1 year old in a high chair at the next table.

The impression I get is that you're irritated that your sister has arranged something that you don't like, and you just don't want to go. If you were my sister, and you always brought your DD along to every meal out in the evening, I would do what she's done and book somewhere where you couldn't, because bringing a 1 year old to everything would really irritate me.

Sorry, that's not what you want to hear.

rightsofwomen · 30/11/2016 10:54

She only said she was concerned, she didn't say don't come.

It's not up to her, is it? Was there no family discussion as to what to book? Who put her in charge? What time is the meal?

What's been the deal in the past? We're a large family and since the grandchildren started coming along we've always included them and made things more child-friendly, but other families often have more adult evening events and that's fine too.

Surely there must be some precedent in your family.

drinkingtea · 30/11/2016 10:55

Mistress leave her mum out of her Mum's birthday plans?

Whose wishes matter then? Just the sister's? Or is it better to second guess what everybody involved might want, including people unconnected with the OP who theoretically might or might not be in the restaurant when they are are and might or might not care whether there is a baby in the restaurant?

(Obviously a baby disturbing anyone would be taken outside, that is not what the OP is asking about, but about whether her sister should be the one to dictate whether the OP can enjoy her evening with her baby present=.

squaresnotcircles · 30/11/2016 11:06

YANBU. Now that your sister knows your situation ask her to change the booking to a place that's more suitable for your DC Perfectly sensible, unless there is another agenda? No movement on this, or you being un-invited will suggest that there is.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 30/11/2016 11:07

actually it's not obvious at all drinkingtea, many many parents don't take their disruptive kids out of restaurants/school plays/theatres etc

HelenaWay · 30/11/2016 11:08

Don't worry about what she says. Just go, take your baby and have a great time.

MistressMerryWeather · 30/11/2016 11:18

It's not about dictating anything, that's a very dramatic way of looking at things.

Sister appears to have tried to arrange a nice, child free meal. She hasn't said for OP not to come - Just that the restaurant isn't suitable for young children.

They should be able to sort it out between themselves without putting mum in the middle or anyone being told to shove off.

PrivatePike · 30/11/2016 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocktailQueen · 30/11/2016 11:27

OP, why don't you arrange a separate meal out with your mum for her bday?

And ask your sister in future to speak to you before she arranges 'family' meals that don't suit all the family?

snowinafrica16 · 30/11/2016 11:31

i can see both sides, i wouldn't fall out over it - sounds as though there are a bit of sour grapes underlying this about your sister having more help/more money perhaps? if I thought my DD wouldn't behave I wouldn't go. If your mum asks why explain that it wasn't a suitable time for DD, you can both pop round to see your mum at another time and save the expense of the meal. Don't fall out with your sister though, hardly worth it even if she's been a bit inconsiderate.

longdiling · 30/11/2016 11:31

Ring the restaurant and check if you actually can bring the baby. Then make a decision accordingly - it's up to you to decide whether you'd still enjoy the meal and if it would be too much for your dd. Ignore your sister. I would take what she said as 'advice' rather than a direct command.

EddieHitler · 30/11/2016 11:32

Why not just say you can't get a sitter for that night and arrange to have Sunday lunch with your mum, husband and daughter on the Sunday closest to her birthday.

That way your sister gets what she wants and you get to have a family meal with mum.

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