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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws turning up to stay without asking

76 replies

BowBelle81 · 29/11/2016 09:48

Half an AIBU, half a "not sure who's the weirdo here" - but really interested in whether other people's families do this...

DP's siblings have a habit of assuming they can stay with us and turning up, with bags, without asking first. I'm happy for them to stay - they live overseas, we live in London - but I think it's completely bizarre to just assume it's fine without asking first. This was a minor annoyance before we had a baby, but since we've had the boy (7mo now) it's been driving me mad. When the baby was 5mo DP's brother came and stayed for 3 nights without asking first (literally, he and his parents arrived for a lunch we'd arranged, and he brought his bags in and didn't say anything until DP asked why he was carrying a suitcase), and it was when DS was in a proper cluster-feeding-inconsolable-won't-go-down-till-midnight stage (in fact one night he didn't get in till 1am (he didn't have keys) and said "well I thought you'd still be up with the baby"...) This week sister in law has done the same (though without the inconsiderate late night!), she was planning to stay with her mum and dad but then when she arrived she said she was going to stay with us for the first few days instead. They each live abroad and when they come to the UK we always ask whether they're planning to stay with their parents, friends, hotel, us, but they tend to leave their plans open and make decisions at the last minute.

Anyway, this annoys DP as much as it annoys me, but he thinks it's pretty normal behaviour in families - just annoying normal behaviour. I think it's really, really weird! My family would never do it and it would be seen as incredibly rude if anyone did, especially with a newborn in the house.

So, do other people's families do this? Who's the weirdo here?!

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 29/11/2016 12:24

But if someone has booked flights they know what day they're arriving. Why wouldn't they communicate that?

Thatwaslulu · 29/11/2016 12:27

The only time I ever met my Aussie cousins was when my great aunt (their mum) had come over to the UK to stay with my nan, and they decided to spontaneously follow her, buy a camper van and pitch up at my parents' doorstep without any notice the week before we went away on holiday. They ended staying until we came back from holiday and my mother was horrified at the state they left the house in. That was the end of that.

PickAChew · 29/11/2016 12:30

Offer to help them book themselves a hotel room.

Is your DH unable to put his foot down?

SpookyPotato · 29/11/2016 12:30

Not normal at all! I can't imagine going to the expense of booking a flight, travelling and turning up on someones doorstep with the chance that they might be away themselves, have other people staying, just not a good time for visitors etc.. It sounds like they wouldn't care about that either though and just go and knock on someones elses door!

PuppyMonkey · 29/11/2016 12:32

Not normal at all but then I find it equally odd that you just put up with it as though there's not a thing you can do about it.

ElleMcElle · 29/11/2016 12:34

Not at all normal - although they clearly think it is!

I'd use the baby - say that sleep is a real issue and you're trying a new routine, very regimented... So because of this, they're still very welcome to stay, but you'll need a bit of notice. This might get them into the habit of giving you notice?

Jaxhog · 29/11/2016 12:43

Do you ever drop in on them unexpectedly? This might get them to realise how b*dy annoying it is.

Or next time, hide and pretend you're not in.

Magicpaintbrush · 29/11/2016 12:47

No not normal!! I would hand them the address of the nearest Premier Inn if they rocked up on my doorstep. Nobody I know would dream of turning up for an overnight stay without even asking first. That is beyond rude and entitled. I don't know ANYBODY who does this. I think your DH needs to have a word.

StrangeLookingParasite · 29/11/2016 12:50

It absolutely isn't ok. We have close friends we stay with in a another country, and I don't even book tickets without asking them if it's ok to stay (in such a way that allows them to say 'no, it's not convenient then') and confirming the dates.
It's one thing to drop in for a cup of tea without warning (not especially keen on this either, since the house is perpetually a tip), quite another to expect to actually stay there.

YeOldMa · 29/11/2016 12:52

My sister used to turn up for an arranged day visit, stay too late and then start on about it being too far to drive home etc. (She had a badly behaved dog who she let sleep on the bed and rifled your cupboards whilst you were supposed to be sleeping.) If you didn't immediately offer to have her stay, she would get her computer out to look for hotel, sighing dramatically every time she found there wasn't room at the inn. In the end, we would sigh as we said she could stay. Eventually as a family we started to confer and we all agreed that the next time she did it, we would hold out until she found a hotel. Strangely enough, we only had to do it once and she made her arrangements before she arrived from then on.

Rrross1ges · 29/11/2016 14:11

Totally not normal. My family (we're NC) used to phone and say "We're coming tomorrow for three days" and I'd object because I couldn't just rearrange my whole life to accommodate them and they'd bully and harass me into giving in. I took the quite radical step of moving house and not telling them my address!

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 29/11/2016 14:56

My MIL and her DH live in Ireland and will visit around 4 times a year, sometimes staying for up to a fortnight (never less than a week). I think I'd go insane if they arrived completely unannounced (the short notice I do get is bad enough!).
You have my sympathy.

BertrandRussell · 29/11/2016 17:09

"It wasn't normal 20 or more years ago - maybe no internet and phone calls were tricky, but the postal service worked."

As I said- it's not normal now for most people. But it certainly used to be in some circles. My anecdotes on this thread are from significantly more than 20 years ago. And yes, the postal service worked-usually and from most places. But people who are hitching, for example, have no idea when they are going to arrive places. And once arrived in England, coildn't really wait 4 days bedless for letters to go to and fro!

Original poster

BowBelle81 · 29/11/2016 17:31

This thread has massively cheered me up and reassured me I am not completely mad - thank you!

For those wondering who on earth just turns up from overseas without a place to stay, well, indeed - but to explain, they generally base themselves with their mum and dad but then get fed up/want to be closer to London/decide to stay the night with us when they make plans with friends in town, etc.

It still seems bizarre to me but it's genuinely cheering to know we're not alone (and sounds like others have it worse - turning up with mates in tow - I would have gone insane!)

OP posts:

Katy07 · 29/11/2016 17:33

My idea of hell

Original poster

BowBelle81 · 29/11/2016 17:35

Bertrand, I found your story really thought provoking. I actually do like the idea of being more of an open house person, in theory. It's just that I bump up against the reality of how much I dislike it when it actually happens...

OP posts:

Potnoodlewilld0 · 29/11/2016 17:39

To all those who have family that do this - how do you react? Do you fake a smile and welcome them in or do you pull a card bum mouth as that could be your problem

Lunde · 29/11/2016 18:04

Bertrand you must be talking about a really long time ago as telephones and cash machines were pretty common in the UK 45-50 years ago - especially in cities.

People used to write and say they were planning a trip even if the exact date of arrival was unclear.

starsorwater · 29/11/2016 18:06

You fake a smile for the sake of peace!

No way could you direct to nearest hotel, that would be awful. They generally don't care much where they sleep and are resilient to remarks such as 'just expecting bailiffs' 'just off on holiday' (asking for it, that one, they'd come too). They what they call 'muck in'. I do find handing over jobs works, ('peel those' 'walk the dog' etc.). They always invite you back and would clearly drop down dead with shock if you did it.

Original poster

BowBelle81 · 29/11/2016 18:24

Yeah, similar to stars. I choose my battles and directing them to a hotel would be several steps too far for our family - I instead am just clear about what plans I can't/won't change to accommodate them and, as stars says, give them jobs "we haven't got a spare room set up but the air mattress is under the stairs and you can find sheets in the airing cupboard".

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 29/11/2016 18:36

"Bertrand you must be talking about a really long time ago as telephones and cash machines were pretty common in the UK 45-50 years ago - especially in cities.

People used to write and say they were planning a trip even if the exact date of arrival was unclear."

Not quite so common on the backpacking trail from Australia, though! And yes, you probably knew they were traveling, but had no idea when they would be arriving. Because neither did they.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 29/11/2016 22:13

Stars Have to say, I'm a bit jealous at the 'mucking in'. MIL and her DH spend 6-8 weeks a year 'on holiday' here, apparently - barely a finger lifted The things we do for the sake of familial harmony

starsorwater · 30/11/2016 00:45

Grumpy PIL exactly the same, useless, constant refrain from about 6pm onwards was 'when are DCs going to be in bed.' However DHs many siblings etc much better at being prodded in direction of kitchen.
I am not very hospitable however, and would prefer hermit life and still die a little at 'Surprise!' at the front door, or (what for some reason seems even worse) which is the phone call that goes 'Hey Guess what? Look out of the window! See that car with the hazard lights flashing? That's US!!!'
I really, really, really hate that.

Rainbunny · 30/11/2016 01:13

Wow I would hate this, in fact I'm still annoyed that my PIL turned up a day earlier than scheduled for a visit last year (mostly because my day of leisurely cleaning the house turned into a desperate mad dash to make the place look half presentable in under the 20 minutes notice that they were arriving).

MrsPeelyWally · 30/11/2016 04:24

Yesterday 17:39 Potnoodlewilld0

To all those who have family that do this - how do you react? Do you fake a smile and welcome them in or do you pull a card bum mouth as that could be your problem grin

If its something you accept it's generally not a case of needing to fake a smile or pull a cats bum mouth.

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