In-laws turning up to stay without asking

[BowBelle81]

Half an AIBU, half a "not sure who's the weirdo here" - but really interested in whether other people's families do this...

DP's siblings have a habit of assuming they can stay with us and turning up, with bags, without asking first. I'm happy for them to stay - they live overseas, we live in London - but I think it's completely bizarre to just assume it's fine without asking first. This was a minor annoyance before we had a baby, but since we've had the boy (7mo now) it's been driving me mad. When the baby was 5mo DP's brother came and stayed for 3 nights without asking first (literally, he and his parents arrived for a lunch we'd arranged, and he brought his bags in and didn't say anything until DP asked why he was carrying a suitcase), and it was when DS was in a proper cluster-feeding-inconsolable-won't-go-down-till-midnight stage (in fact one night he didn't get in till 1am (he didn't have keys) and said "well I thought you'd still be up with the baby"...) This week sister in law has done the same (though without the inconsiderate late night!), she was planning to stay with her mum and dad but then when she arrived she said she was going to stay with us for the first few days instead. They each live abroad and when they come to the UK we always ask whether they're planning to stay with their parents, friends, hotel, us, but they tend to leave their plans open and make decisions at the last minute.

Anyway, this annoys DP as much as it annoys me, but he thinks it's pretty normal behaviour in families - just annoying normal behaviour. I think it's really, really weird! My family would never do it and it would be seen as incredibly rude if anyone did, especially with a newborn in the house.

So, do other people's families do this? Who's the weirdo here?!

But the past is another country, they did things differently there.....

bertrand when I was house-sharing in London as recently as 2012, it was still "Buy one, get four free" on Aussies and Kiwis.

Nobody in my family would do this. I have some relatives who live overseas who will occasionally ask if they can stay in a way that is quite pushy and presumptuous, but a) they're seemingly not offended if we say no and b) even they wouldn't just turn up without asking. I don't think I know anyone whose family would do this to them!

As I don't live in downton abbey with servants to do the extra work then no this would drive me insane

You need to just say no op we haven't got the room. If they can afford a flight they can afford a hotel or they stay with parents.

This is not normal behaviour. I don’t know anyone who would do this. They are being very unreasonable!

Ask your dp’s siblings to let you know in advance if they'd like to stay – best if you and your dp do this together. Have an excuse up your sleeve next time one of them turns up unexpectedly, eg, tell them you have someone else staying from the following night so one night only.

It sounds as though you are a little too convenient. You may be giving the impression you don’t mind and are always available. If you don’t sort it out now it will become something you can never fix without causing great offence. As it is they still have their parents to stay with if it doesn't suit you. One day your dp's parents won’t be around to accommodate them and it will all fall to you so now is the time to act.

Good luck.

Not normal to just arrive with suitcase in hand expecting to be put up for any length of time. Normal to visit if you happen to be in the same town/city/general area as family but a phone call or (if travelling from overseas) texts/emails would be sent to arrange a meet up.

Nip this in the bud now. You're not a hotel, you never were. You are family and just because you happen to not live next door to these family members (so they can pop around for a cuppa or the likes) does not make your home a stop off point on whatever travels they may undertake.

We used to get this from DH (large) extended family. They would just turn up unannounced and expect to be catered for. I was getting really riled about it, but luckily we had three consecutive occasions when we couldn't put them up.....the first my mother was staying and there wasn't another bed, the second time we were away on holiday (that was an interesting one as we had a phone call at 3am to ask who had a spare key) and the third we were in the middle of a loft conversion and had no roof.

It gave me to opportunity to email them all and state that they needed email first and make sure that it was convenient.

I'd try decommissioning the spare bedroom as a first port of call, booking lots of holidays at times when they may visit.

The worst offender died a few weeks ago, he was a lovely man despite the lack of consideration over visiting and we all miss him.

My sister turns up once a year unannounced, love her visits but she doesn't turn up unannounced my DN's and my brother comes up every 6-8 weeks for a weekend unannounced. Doesn't bother us we are happy that they feel like our house is a home away from home. We have 3DC and a 3 bed house so no spare room but have a lovely large sofabed but normally send DC1 in with Dc2&3

I wouldn't mind about this but you do mind and that's all there is to it. Get your husband to talk to them and don't give it another thought.

DP's family do this to us, a bit. It's because we live in the UK and are therefore Rich Beyond Wildest Dreams, and can easily accommodate unannounced house guests for weeks on end.

We are bloody not. I wish!

This is why i am glad i am always busy - never home for anyone to 'drop in'

Luckily i don't have that type of family, everyone is busy with their own lives and children to have any free time to just 'drop in'

I think DP needs to say something...

No, I wouldn't like that. Nor would I do it to anyone else.

As a Kiwi I can say this isn't the usual practice at home, according to Maori friends their out of town whanau often turn up unannounced and would expect to reciprocate. Asked my DS if I could stay a few nights with her (she lives alone, 3 bedroom house, has moved to other end of country so another flight from destination after flying 12,000 miles to see DC) and she said no, didn't yet have a spare bed 😕. We're on good terms and it may be last opportunity to meet up unless she travels to home town to stay with my DC! However very house proud .
Love the idea of unannounced visitors on a take as you find us basis, which is common in Oz and NZ BUT not unannounced over nighters!
You have my sympathy OP

I would hate it. I like time to get my head sorted for anything. I couldn't cope with last minute guests at all!

Really, really strange.

What's so hard about calling or sending an email a few days (preferably weeks!) ahead? What if you don't have space or are busy?

I'd only ever have thought this wad half normal in student, shared house, sleeping bag on sofa / floor days.

I kind of the like the old-fashioned extended friendliness of being given details of a family-friend in a far-off city or country but, you'd get in touch first, or call when there and be very pleased if they were able to meet you, or have lunch, very very pleased if they offered a place to stay, no expectation without prior arrangement.

There weren't so many backpacker hostels 30-40 years ago and hotels were expensive.

Its not normal.

It wasn't normal 20 or more years ago - maybe no internet and phone calls were tricky, but the postal service worked.

There are people I would put up in a crisis, but that is very different from "I'd rather stay with brother than mum and dad".
Say no - and have a list of local hotels etc. for next time.

Astonishing, how do they know your not at a sex party in Chelsea

no i don't think this is ok. maybe as a one off in an unusual circumstance but not on a regular basis. do you have a spare room that's always ready? if so, change it! or just tell them sorry, can't have you stay last minute. no reason given. if they ask, say it's too disruptive.

Astonishing, how do they know your not at a sex party in Chelsea

Tell them you've got 20 swingers about to arrive for one and no, they definitely cannot join in.

Its not normal and I would tell them to ask first.
I am due a baby in December and my dad announces he is coming with his wife and half sister. I put them in a cottage near by. No way they are staying with us.

yanbu
it's not normal.
and I wouldn't be happy

grow that infamous backbone and tell them that they can't stay at yours without you agreeing in advance.

Definitely not normal in either my or DHs family. The norm is for all overnight stays to have been arranged and agreed in advance.

A relative needing to stay overnight with no notice due to some sort of unexpected emergency / problem would be a different matter altogether.