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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find pregnancy so hard even after infertility heartbreak

63 replies

calmingthoughts · 29/11/2016 04:39

So I know I am being unreasonable. But after struggling for so long to get pregnant (years of monthly heartbreak, being told it wouldn't happen for us without medical intervention, followed by what felt like a miracle conception), I am finding pregnancy so so hard.

I am now 38 weeks so not long to go, but it has been 9 months of sickness and pain. I was sick regularly until around 24 weeks when it eased off a little, I've had hip pain since the beginning. I'm enormous (measuring big) and uncomfortable and now I have carpal tunnel syndrome which I never even knew was a pregnancy thing and I just can't believe how bad it is. The other day I woke myself up from a nap (napping is essential because of pregnancy insomnia) by heartburn making me sick in my mouth.

I'm sick of this and I feel so so guilty for even complaining on here anonymously because we are so grateful to even be in this position.

I don't complain in real life (except to long-suffering dh), as I just can't be that person who moans about being pregnant when I know how hard it is for those who can't conceive. But honestly I feel wretched at times.

I realise this is definitely more of a rant than a true AIBU but thank god for mumsnet and an anonymous forum where I can offload.

OP posts:
CaveMum · 29/11/2016 07:05

Definitely ok to complain! It took us 3 years (inc fertility treatment) to conceive our DD and whilst I had a straightforward pregnancy I still found it tough going. We then had huge breastfeeding difficulties which led to me developing a breast abccess and giving up at 8 weeks - 8 of the most miserable weeks of my life.

I'm now pregnant again (after more fertility treatment) and oh my god it's ten times harder this time round. I'm really hoping that the statement about a newborn and toddler being easier than pregnant with a toddler is true!

I still feel guilty about complaining, but try to restrict it to close friends and DH only. I'd never complain on Facebook as I have several friends still struggling with fertility issues. As others have said, we're conditioned to think we should breeze through pregnancy in a glow but the reality is there are a lot of bloody awful things about being pregnant.

Hobbitch · 29/11/2016 07:08

YANBU. I don't enjoy pregnancy at all. My first started with horrendous nausea, tiredness, poor health in general, and ended with a missed loss at 20 weeks. My second was so stressful as I was so worried we would lose the baby again. I had regular fainting spells on public transport due to low blood pressure, ended up in A and E twice, in my 3rd trimester everywhere hurt, the heartburn was debilitating and my baby was 2 weeks late which means my 1st month of mat leave was the most boring time of my life! Having a newborn had its challenges but at least my body recovered reasonably quickly and I didn't have pnd.

Now we're trying for a second and have had another loss. I'm now on my 4th pregnancy and feeling utterly stressed as well as already sick, faint, shattered and so sensitive to smells that the nausea is even worse.

I love my child so much and would really love to give him a sibling but blimey it's a crap road to get there. I'm definitely stopping at 2 - if I even get that far.

Congrats on getting pregnant, you're almost there and soon these 9 months will be a distant memory. And just because you really wanted this child doesn't mean you're not allowed to complain about the challenges of raising one! You will be a great mum.

Thirdload · 29/11/2016 07:12

My utterly horrific 39 week long pregnancy (which I cried, vomited, cried, fainted and vomited the whole way through) led to the most beautiful, chilled out, happy smiley baby. I hope it's the same for you Flowers

PlumsGalore · 29/11/2016 07:21

It's all pretty shit at first OP, pregnancy, tiny babies, lack of sleep, comfort, exhaustion. It really is worth it though, you know it will be, not long to go, keep your chin up x

ChilliMum · 29/11/2016 07:21

Another here. 3 miserable years of infertility followed by the pregnancy from hell vomiting and nausea that would wake me in the night for the first 5 months plus a couple of bleeds. Heartburn and swollen ankles and too fat too sleep at the end.
You wouldn't believe the number of people who said to me you must be soooo happy Hmm. I am sure I would have been if my symptoms had just fucked off for a day or 2.
Complain all you need. I felt completely cheated out of what should have been a wonderful time.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 29/11/2016 07:22

I'm with you OP I'm not a good pregnant person. I thought really hard about having a second pregnancy after the first. Did it anyway and found out I was having twins. Horrendously sick for 36 weeks. I love being a mum and would have another baby if it could just be handed to me without the pregnancy business.

Original poster
calmingthoughts · 29/11/2016 07:22

blue I'm planning on returning to work, rightly or wrongly my identity is tied up in my career quite a bit. I do understand that from here (before the baby is out), I don't quite know how I'll feel but all the people saying "you won't want to work" don't know how you'll feel either!

OP posts:
cantmakeme · 29/11/2016 07:22

I didn't struggle to get pregnant. But I developed some kind of pregnancy related depression, just literally felt so blank and empty, and wished I weren't pregnant. I have a friend who is infertile, and likely won't have a child now. I actually talked to her about the depression, and she was so kind. I felt awful when I came to my senses and the depression had gone.

groovergirl · 29/11/2016 07:22

Dear Calming, vent all you like. It's good for you!

Pregnancy affects different bodies in different ways, most of which feel crap. I barely slept for the last month of my pg, apart from naps under my desk at work. Wink

One thing I wish I'd known then is that building a new person pulls a lot of minerals out of your body. Calcium, magnesium and iron are often in short supply. I didn't know this then, and was stunned at the sudden-onset exhaustion, and how my legs continued to ache weeks after I'd had DD. A nurse friend advised me to top up with double-dose mineral supplements. It made a huge difference to me. It might help you, right now, to replenish yourself.

Original poster
calmingthoughts · 29/11/2016 07:23

hobbitch so sorry for your losses Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
calmingthoughts · 29/11/2016 07:25

Thank you groovergirl will look into that

OP posts:
Hestheoneandonly · 29/11/2016 07:25

Pregnancy is shit no matter how you got there. I suffer secondary infertility and as much as I want another I know how aweful it would be (very bad spd last time). Don't feel you have to look and feel like you are surrounded by prancing unicorns. Suffering from infertility won't protect you from pregnancy and parenthood woes. It probably makes things worse by adding a layer of guilt for feeling like this. But you have earned your stripes. Allow yourself to respect your feelings

Mermaid36 · 29/11/2016 07:38

I have been pregnant once, for 26 weeks (before delivering my twins 14 weeks early) and I hated being pregnant!
I had constant nausea, insomnia, PGP and restless legs!

I actually get more sleep with 7 month old breastfed twins than I did when I was pregnant!

ALemonyPea · 29/11/2016 07:42

Complain away! The last few weeks of pregnancy are so hard even if you've had a smooth pregnancy before that.

I hated being pregnant, hated everything about it, the SPD, sciatica, constipation and unbelieveable tiredness. I had to have fertility treatment to conceive with my first two DC, I still complained towards the end, I was miserable.

Wishing you a speedy end to your pregnancy, not long now Flowers

ShastaBeast · 29/11/2016 07:44

It isn't good we have to hide or feel guilty about these feelings - extending all the way into your child'a adulthood I suspect. I'm at the other end of the fertility issue and my first was unplanned, although we were respectable, financially responsible adults - but there isn't much sympathy for that either, perhaps less as I wasn't careful enough. Nothing you do will be right in the eyes of society so do what you think is right and ignore the judgemental asswipes.

BreatheDeep · 29/11/2016 07:49

39 weeks here in second pregnancy and so miserable. Complain all you like. It doesn't mean you are not grateful. Pregnancy is so hard on the body. I can't wait for baby to be here even if he is another colicky, reflux baby who just won't sleep like my first.

CostaAddict · 29/11/2016 08:22

OP this was me 13 weeks ago. 8 months pregnant, miserable and in tears every day. We struggled to conceive and needed fertility help. The pregnancy was a disaster from start to finish. Hyperemesis, SPD, migraines, weekly checks at triage and eventually pre eclampsia and PPH.

I'm now feeding my 13 week DS and it's all worth it. But I was devastated that I didn't enjoy my much longed for pregnancy. And it still stings even now. You're allowed to moan. It's bloody hard growing a tiny human! Congrats FlowersFlowers

Blue2014 · 29/11/2016 11:03

Calm and Alex - thanks for posting about work. It's so weird because my work is clearly a huge part of my identify yet people around me seem to have completely forgotten this and just tell me how I'll want to be glued to my babies side as soon as he's born . Maybe I will but there doesn't seem to be a lot of space for mums to say when they don't.

Ps Hi Cave, pleased to hear all is ok with you .

mum2Bomg · 29/11/2016 11:12

Nothing helpful to add - just that my baby is due TODAY! Smile Waiting...

CaveMum · 29/11/2016 11:45

Thanks Blue, glad you're doing ok too. On the work front I honestly hated maternity leave too! I really like my job and am back 3 days a week and fully intend to return to the same after this batch of maternity leave.

I'm taking 9 months instead of the year this time as although we can just cover nursery fees for DD on my Stat maternity pay I don't get anybody for the final 3 months.

Don't feel bad if you want to return to work, I am grateful for the "time off" and honestly believe I'm a better mum for it. Yes it's hard and yes there is guilt but you know what, I'm the least arty/crafty person in the world so I'm soooo glad I can outsource that to nursery Wink

Cyclingforcake · 29/11/2016 11:53

blue I adore ds but was so grateful to get back to work after 6months of maternity leave. The two things aren't mutually exclusive despite what some people would have you believe.

jimijack · 29/11/2016 12:01

After 7 miscarriages I fretted, complained and moaned like a bitch to dh, had all the symptoms that you have with bells on....

Now I moan like an ungrateful Bitch about my 3 year old destroying my house, my car and every shopping trip that I am forced to take with him and his tantrums & running away and screaming so loud the whole shop comes to a standstill to stare us......

I have been in a state of fucking torture since I got that positive pregnancy test.

See, moaning makes you feel better, it's your job to moan, it's expected tbf...

lightcola · 29/11/2016 12:06

I'm a working mum (although sat here with a 2 day old baby so won't be back for a little while). I couldn't not work and my older son loves nursery. Pregnancy and parenting is all guilt and what ifs. There is no right or wrong way otherwise there would be a manual written. You do what's right for you and your family.

I don't agree that you will always love your baby as soon as he/she is here as I didn't with my first. But by being open and honest with my partner and the health professionals we got there and now I can't imagine life without him.

Your life is about to change and there will be an element of mourning involved but you will soon adapt, just take each day as it comes.

TheTantrumCometh · 29/11/2016 12:08

You have every right to be finding it hard. Just because you struggled to conceive doesn't mean that pregnancy is any easier or that you should somehow be more grateful for it all than people who find it easy to conceive.

Please don't feel like you have to feel a certain way. There is so much pressure on parents, particularly mums, to be a certain way (not wanting to go back to work, not having an evening off when they have babies) and all it serves is to make us feel like shit.

If it helps, I definitely slept better after DD was born, not so much with DS Grin

ExConstance · 29/11/2016 12:10

Yes I was surprised at all the discomfort and worse when other people seemed to sail through it. The last fortnight is extremely uncomfortable at best, it is nature's way of getting you in the mood to think that you really don't mind what it takes, the baby has to be out!

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