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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not write the letter

59 replies

blacksheep2014 · 28/11/2016 15:23

My brother broke into my home last year. He caused damage to my car, stole my ipad, my partners watch, our passports and some other stuff. He also smashed our bedroom window with a golf club. About £1000 worth in total.

He has long standing drug addiction issues which have led to mental health issues and he's been treated in hospital 3 times, once for nearly 5 months as an inpatient. He doesn't have a diagnosis beyond drug induced psychosis.

My mum has kept in contact with him over the past year, supporting him financially on a small scale but mainly daily phone calls and emotional support. As he's been on bail all this time with the condition of no contact I haven't spoken to him. My mum has always said that a condition of her support is that he plead guilty at the next opportunity so we dont have to have a trial, where I would be cited as a witness.

He has a pre trial hearing on Wednesday. My mum has asked me to write a letter to the court explaining that I forgive him and that he was mentally ill at the time of his.crime. Apparently he and his lawyer need this letter...

The goalposts have moved. If I dont write the letter he's going to plead not guilty. My mum is refusing for there to be any consequences for my brother in terms of their relationship if he does this. Saying she is supporting both of us and won't chose between her children.

There's a huge backstory of my brothers antics and we've always tried to keep my relationships with my parents really seperate and not defined by the chaos he brings. I don't fall out with my parents over him and I've, up until last year, had a big role in the practicalities of keeping him safe. This isn't about resentment.

I feel like to write the letter would be to hand control back to him. He has never faced the consequences of anything in his life. He's in his late 20s now and has had issues surrounding drugs for the last 14 years. As a family I feel we enable him and to that end I dont want to write the letter. I really worry about the consequences for mine and mums relationship tho

AIBU?

OP posts:

Tenshidarkangel · 28/11/2016 16:05

I wouldn't.

Hard task master here, but you face the consequences of your actions. If he was that sorry he wouldn't be trying to basically blackmail you with being a witness.

At least if he's found guilty he may get help for his addictions.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/11/2016 16:07

My worry is that without the letter I will have to be a witness in court. That won't be an easy experience and this could.realistically result in his first custodial sentence. He's commited worse crimes but they've yet to come to trial. Sorry to drip feed.

Writing a letter won't mean you're not called as a witness. It's actually more likely to go the other way - if you write a letter in support of him, your evidence becomes very valuable to his defence. If you write a letter that doesn't support him, it becomes valuable to the prosecution. Either way, it suggests you have something to say and want the chance to speak.

It's true that this won't be an easy experience for any of you, but victim support are very good and they'll help you. They'll also help your mum, if she lets them. They are good.

As for him - this isn't working for him, clearly, he isn't learning his lesson from the near misses and protection. He needs to see some real consequences and perhaps that'll be what he needs to change his life. If he's facing other, worst, charges, it's likely he's going to go to prison regardless. He's got a long record, he's a repeat offender, he hasn't treated his drug addiction.

I would politely refuse to send a letter, or just change the conversation whenever it's mentioned to you, and let things proceed as they are. I hope you're not called as a witness, if you don't want to be, and that it's as easy as possible if you are.

RainbowJack · 28/11/2016 16:07

Don't write the letter.

And for your own sanity you need to disengage. Tell your mother you wont be discussing him with her.

QueenofallIsee · 28/11/2016 16:07

OP, I was struck by the articulate and reasoned view you gave - you are clearly not reacting emotionally or without thought. Your forgiveness is yours to give, not your families to demand and acting in his best interests is not necessarily letting him off the hook. Don't write the letter.

EweAreHere · 28/11/2016 16:10

If it were me, I wouldn't write the letter that is being asked for.

I would possibly write a different letter, though, along the lines of 'he did this, it was horrible, he has not accepted responsibility for it, and we are still living with the repercussions, family division, etc because of it.'

But not forgiveness. Not until he can genuinely acknowledge what he did and try to make amends for it and clean himself up, and he's not doing that right now.

shockthemonkey · 28/11/2016 16:10

OP, don't! You're quite right about the "enabling" thing. Don't be part of it.

Have you been in touch with Al-Anon? You show a deep understanding of what's going on.

Floggingmolly · 28/11/2016 16:10

As pp have said; as the "victim", you'll be called as a witness regardless.

cestlavielife · 28/11/2016 16:14

it's for the judge and court to decide if his MH mitigates the crime or not.

not your call.

NoSunNoMoon · 28/11/2016 16:20

Your mother has already chosen between you by asking you to write the letter.

Don't write it.

Liiinoo · 28/11/2016 16:23

I don't think you should write the letter. Your mum is wrong to ask you to do it. He is manipulating her and she is morally blackmailing you.

I am surprised to hear you may be called as a witness. If you weren't there to watch him commit the crime, what can you bear witness to? That you came home to a crime scene? Presumably the the police have photographic evidence of that which both sides will have access to.

Whatever way you decide it sounds like it will be a long old haul, but you are not responsible for the mess your bother is in. Perhaps this might be the rock bottom he needed to reach.

eddielizzard · 28/11/2016 16:23

if you believe what you write in the letter, fine. if you do it because you feel emotionally blackmailed absolutely don't. sounds to me like your mum has only asked you, she isn't pressuring you? she says she won't get between you and will support you both, so all you can do really is take her at her word. i guess you're about to find out whether she means it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/11/2016 16:23

If you forgive him, you can write a letter that is honest and doesn't let him off the hook. The letter isn't asking the prosecution not to prosecute him. He'll still be guilty. He'll still have to undergo sentencing.

You could write a letter along the lines of: you know your brother is a drug addict, you know he was under the influence of that addiction when he broke into your home and you forgive him for it. But that the consequences of his actions have been significant for your family (list what it's done to you here) and he has not made efforts to make good the damage he's done, which saddens you. Then express your hope the court can find a way to ensure the needs of justice work to have a positive influence on your brother, as you love him and don't want to see his destructive behaviour continue to ruin his life and others.

Might or might not get you the guilty plea you want, but if it's honest, then you can stand up in court and defend it if you find you need to.

GeorgeTheThird · 28/11/2016 16:31

What you are being asked to do makes no sense. I'm sure the request hasn't come from the lawyer. Your brother needs to plead guilty and he doesn't need this letter to do it.

You're absolutely right that him asking you for it is about control.

expatinscotland · 28/11/2016 16:33

I wouldn't write the letter. No fucking way.

diddl · 28/11/2016 16:37

Would I fuck write the letter.

It's not up to your mum to ask for letters or decide his plea based on what others do/say!

She needs to take a big step back by the sounds of it!

PickAChew · 28/11/2016 16:40

Don't write the letter.

Addiction is terrible, but he's not blameless in all of this, no matter how much your mum wants to beleve that it's the drugs, not him. Of course he might not be engaging in criminal activity if he wasn't addicted, but he still had choices, even if he felt unable to make better ones than he did.

Goingtobeawesome · 28/11/2016 16:44

Well of course your brother and his lawyer need the letter . Don't write it and of course your mum is choosing between her children.

TheLaundryLady · 28/11/2016 16:51

No way would I write that letter. What an awful position to put you in..
your mum has already chosen between her children and now she's trying to make you feel like the guilty
One!
Even if you write the letter he could still plead not guilty and you could be called as a witness - you've no proof that he has any intention of pleading guilty

Original poster

blacksheep2014 · 28/11/2016 16:53

Thanks for your thoughts guys. I had no idea which way this would go which sounds silly given the points some of you have made. I am not a mum, a chilcare professional but I chose to ask you because I felt if anyone was going to help me understand my mums point of view it would be a forum for mums. I just needed to be sure that the harder choice was the right one. Thanks again for your support.

OP posts:

myoriginal3 · 28/11/2016 16:58

Don't write the letter.

diddl · 28/11/2016 17:02

Probably being dense here, but what difference would Op saying she forgave him make anyway?

It doesn't alter the crime does it?

And of course I assume she's not qualified to comment on his state of mind!

Sounds like a load of bollocks!

Original poster

blacksheep2014 · 28/11/2016 17:11

I can't drop the charges but I think he's hoping that his sentence will be less severe if I tell them I don't want him punished. Which might work, given that he's been bailed on 11 seperate occassions..He's the expert when It comes to the system. In my mind all the letter does is let him call the shots.

It's bollocks to be involved in, yeah.

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 28/11/2016 17:14

Don't write the letter

Being locked up sounds exactly what he needs

He destroyed your house and expects to get away with it

Next time it could be a total strangers house and worse consquences

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/11/2016 17:17

I can't drop the charges but I think he's hoping that his sentence will be less severe if I tell them I don't want him punished.

During sentencing, there is an opportunity for his defence to suggest mitigating circumstances. If you say you've forgiven him, they'd use this to say it wasn't that bad, the victim herself hasn't been that badly affected, they've made up. They'll argue for a lighter sentence based on this.

The judge will also take into aggravating factors, of which he seems to have a few - he's got history, he's got a drug problem, he's got other serious charges awaiting trial. So realistically, the value of your letter is minimal, it just gives the defence the ability to say that the victim doesn't mind so why should you?

In my mind all the letter does is let him call the shots.

Exactly. It's incredibly bad form for him to have asked you for this and I'd totally ignore the request.

diddl · 28/11/2016 17:19

" I think he's hoping that his sentence will be less severe if I tell them I don't want him punished."

I guess it's possible.

I still wouldn't do it though.

I'm sure if he wants some leniency he could show some remorse or steps to restitution.

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