To feel upset about my husband's business.

[JennieLee]

My husband retired a few years back and made quite a sudden decision that he would like to set up a business, based from our home.

It's been a challenge for me in a number of ways. The front room of our house where clients are received now has to be kept permanently tidy, as does our front garden. The bedrooms where the older children used to live have been turned into a store room and a work room respectively.

So the bits of our house that don't look nice for clients, look pretty much of a tip.

Recently there have been some unexpected orders as well as a couple of events. There largest piece of work has to be completed in ten days time. However, my husband had decided he wanted to get the bulk of the order finished on Saturday, while also preparing for a trade fair the following day.

So over this weekend:-
a) My husband proposed that we store a whole heap of broken glass - temporarily - in our living room - although we were having a guest round in the evening. I put my foot down about this, but it was only when I came up with an alternative storage method, that he was dissuaded.
b) He left it too late to do some cooking that he had agreed to do on Saturday evening, so I ending up doing it - in order that we'd be able to feed our guest.
c) He was very reluctant to come for a one hour walk with me on Saturday saying he was too busy,
d) We'd also fixed up to Skype our daughter on Saturday afternoon. (Her mobile is dying so ordinary calls don't work.) However when we tried to begin the call it emerged that new some anti-virus software he'd opted to download was blocking Skype. He refused to try and deal with the problem, saying he was too busy. So I spent twenty minutes finding the work-round so that I could unblock Skype and talk to her.
e) I had spent Saturday morning helping him prepare for the trade fair and then spent all Sunday helping him out at the fair itself.

Am I unreasonable to be feel that it was a ghastly weekend and to be feeling wretched this morning?

I think you need to separate three things:

1- your husband's need to be busy and enthusiasm for new things that he is happy to do by himself

2- his need to have you around to pick up the pieces because he is disorganised, over committed, and selfish in terms of treating joint possessions as if it doesn't matter if they work for you (the computer, the house);

3- your desire to do things together that his activities don't leave time for

I would say 1. is legit. If you don't like it, you need to look at what is missing in your life. 2 is not legit and is inconsiderate, but many women have never managed to change inconsiderate men (or even get them to see that they are), so the question might be: what strategies can you put in place to minimise the effect of your husband's inconsiderate behaviour on you? and 3. This is semi-legit. You are being reasonable in thinking it would be nice to do some things together sometimes, but not in thinking that your husband should have nothing else to do.

You do have rather a whiny tone about things like cooking. IT's not fair if he promised to cook for a guest, ran out of time, and just assumed you would pick up the slack. On the other hand, you don't sound very busy. It might do you good to get enthusiastic about something yourself.

What I'm doing right now is finishing the revisions for a 90,000 word novel which has taken two years to write. The first novel was nearly accepted by a major publishing house, and the agent told me to write a second one so she could then try and sell them both as a two book deal.

When I'm finished in January life will be different and I shall think of new things to do - with or without my husband.

It sounds to me like your life is being taken over by his business. You also have your own work to do and I'd suggest (as someone who also works from home) that you set aside a room for yourself and assign working hours, then treat it exactly the same as going out to work. His business is his problem. Since he doesn't bring in much in the way of income, the world will hardly end if his business fails, so long as there aren't huge debts. If you want to, you could schedule time where you are available to help him, but he needs to get used to you being less available.

My husband retires in about 8 weeks and it does worry me a little that he will want to distract me so he has company, but I think we have worked out a system which will work for us. Most importantly, we have a signal which means that I am working and will snarl if interrupted (headphones on = go away!). I no longer have clients visiting and even when I did, I wouldn't dream of asking anyone else to tidy up so that I could make a good impression.

I think you will probably have to be quite firm and set out what you will be doing and when. Then stick to it even if he moans or nags. I can't recommend the headphones highly enough- I listen to podcasts or audiobooks which keep me informed and it makes it harder to hear the daily nonsense which would otherwise distract me. Or if I'm doing the books then I listen to calming music which almost convinces me that accounts are not a preview of the very lowest circle of Hell.

OK, I think I'm unpicking this now.

You were used to a quiet house because your husband worked long hours. You had your own routine and plenty of space/quiet to write.
You also had your daughter at home.

Now your husband is filling the house and his time with his business and hobbies, his father is of course a drain on both of you too. He hasn't learned to slow down and can be disorganised.

You had an image in your head of what his retirement would be like, in reality you now have more to do, less peace to write, you're dealing with the menopause and an empty nest and yes, you do sound a little depressed to me. Your husband sounds equally as if he's having problems adjusting, by the way, it's just he's handling it in a different way.

The solution? Time and talking. You both need to adjust, but you do need to talk about this next phase of your life. I feel this will go more successfully if you can think more broadly and communicate on broader lines. For example, 'I had a ghastly weekend because I had to cook and sort an IT issue' does make you sound like you are completely controlling.

But 'I found the weekend tough because we were very much focused on the business and I would have preferred to carve out some quiet time to go for a walk or give the garden a tidy up, how can we schedule next weekend better?' might get a better reception.

Some people are just not that into hearth and home. I know men and women who just don't do home - they are always out. Others can't bear any sort of organised activity or group. Some couples are like ships that pass in the night and others seem superglued together.

The problem is when you have different expectations of leisure time and retirement is going to be a flash point. All the same - late 50s ?!

I'm finding much of this quite useful. I think some of it is becoming part of me trying to think about next year.

There really is a certain amount of just blundering through to be done at the moment.

And isn't your writing a hobby? You haven't made any money from it, so it is equal to your dh's, really - no better, no worse.

I highly recommend you read Greengates by RC Sheriff. Brilliant description of wife coping with her dh's retirement.

It sounds like you have always fitted round him and supported him. You found a good work life balance. Now he has blundered through it all and you're having to adjust around him all over again. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be a selfish prick but he sounds a lot like one.

The answer as to whether writing's a 'hobby' is probably 'No'.

Admittedly I have not made large sums of money from doing it.

But I've published books and articles, had stuff broadcast and earned money from associated freelance work. So it seemed worth deciding to end some poorly paid part-time work in order to finish this project off - rather than letting it drag on and on.

This would drive me round the bend also, he sounds like a nightmare YANBU

I can only suggest investing in a garden shed where he can dump all his glass (?) and leave him to it. Oh and get some ear plugs silicone are the best so you can concentrate.

I work creatively at home and what you're describing sounds like my idea of hell

Get on with your book and ignore him !

Ahhhh, I understand this so much more now. Writing something sustained - i.e. a long novel or an academic book - requires a kind of focus that is very unusual. It's not even the same as writing shorter pieces - the level of concentration and commitment that is required is in a different league. I don't think it's compatible with being pulled away constantly. You need to be able to have a routine - it doesn't have to be all day, but you do need some 'protected time'.

This is basically about his business 'hijacking' your time and torpedoing your ambitions. And that's just not fair.