To feel upset about my husband's business.

[JennieLee]

My husband retired a few years back and made quite a sudden decision that he would like to set up a business, based from our home.

It's been a challenge for me in a number of ways. The front room of our house where clients are received now has to be kept permanently tidy, as does our front garden. The bedrooms where the older children used to live have been turned into a store room and a work room respectively.

So the bits of our house that don't look nice for clients, look pretty much of a tip.

Recently there have been some unexpected orders as well as a couple of events. There largest piece of work has to be completed in ten days time. However, my husband had decided he wanted to get the bulk of the order finished on Saturday, while also preparing for a trade fair the following day.

So over this weekend:-
a) My husband proposed that we store a whole heap of broken glass - temporarily - in our living room - although we were having a guest round in the evening. I put my foot down about this, but it was only when I came up with an alternative storage method, that he was dissuaded.
b) He left it too late to do some cooking that he had agreed to do on Saturday evening, so I ending up doing it - in order that we'd be able to feed our guest.
c) He was very reluctant to come for a one hour walk with me on Saturday saying he was too busy,
d) We'd also fixed up to Skype our daughter on Saturday afternoon. (Her mobile is dying so ordinary calls don't work.) However when we tried to begin the call it emerged that new some anti-virus software he'd opted to download was blocking Skype. He refused to try and deal with the problem, saying he was too busy. So I spent twenty minutes finding the work-round so that I could unblock Skype and talk to her.
e) I had spent Saturday morning helping him prepare for the trade fair and then spent all Sunday helping him out at the fair itself.

Am I unreasonable to be feel that it was a ghastly weekend and to be feeling wretched this morning?

I must admit you do sound resentful and come across as a big anchor dragging on your dh.

Perhaps you envisaged retirement as lots of shared pursuits - holidays, days out, etc and he is not that into sharing. I must admit I was slightly sympathetic to the complaining about the messy hobby business, but then you complain about the U3A, the learning of a new language, history, dancing etc. Is he actively leaving you out or are you just sitting there grumping and saying they sound boring and don't want to participate?

Jesus wept! Another selfish man who thinks it's all about himself and makes decisions without consulting anyone else because, hey, why? You're still working, so stick to that and leave him to it. Honestly, it's his business, don't pick up after that. I'd insist he gets a premises, too. And get your own hobbies. He doesn't want more time together, he wants you to be the fallback girl whilst he has fun.

And you complain that he looks after his father!

wotoodoo

I know this is AIBU that was unnecessarily nasty.

The OP''s husband has started a business without a bye-your-leave and it is having an enormous impact on the OP and her home.

Why shouldn't she be resentful? I would be. He is doing what he wants irrespective of the impact on her with, actually at the moment, no financial benefit - which is the whole point of running a 'business'.And she is also involved in it and doing her best.

It's great that he wants to keep himself mentally active but it would have been even better if there had been some discussion of their joint lives going forward.

And 'get a life' is a totally pointless and nasty jibe. She has a life. One that her DP has no consideration of.

I accompany him to one of the dance classes. So that was going to be a thing we did together.

But then it became one of his intense interests and he started going to additional classes, workshops, weekends and social classes. I am not as keen as all that. So something that was supposed to be a shared thing, has become something where I feel rather left behind.

I certainly don't resent him seeing his father. It is simply that because he packs the time so very full, he becomes stressed and resentful when something occurs that means he suddenly has to accompany his father to the doctor or make an unscheduled visit to his sheltered accommodation. So he became quite frantic about business relating to the weekend because on Thursday am a carer rang to tell us his father had fallen in the night -, which meant it was necessary to make a couple of visits.

It also is one of the factors that meant going away is more problematic. The only other close relative lives abroad, and has to be put on standby to fly over at short notice if my father in law should become ill.

Social dances, not classes.

Jeannie - That makes a lot of sense. It sounds to me as though you feel that there is simply too much activity going on - to a point that it's a wee bit manic? It's one thing learning a language, it's quite another thing to have every day timetabled from 8am to 11pm, and no time for relaxation or even to fulfil commitments like those associated with a business or with a parent who has an illness that doesn't follow predictable patterns.

I think there is often anxiety associated with any change of phase in life - be it going to high school for the first time, going to university, getting your first job, having a child, children leaving home, retirement. It can be difficult to adjust at each and every stage, particularly if you associate a particular time o life with difficulties of some kind. Sometimes we don't talk about this because there is a feeling that we ought to feel unmitigated happiness at the change, and that anxieties are somehow abnormal or 'weird' (they're not!).

Dealing with dementia is doubly horrible - so it's not honestly surprising that your DH has thrown himself into activity, both as a distraction from the situation with his DF and as a 'preservative' against a similar fate.

It sounds like many of these activities are positive, but are being done in a way that is a bit overwrought. Is there a way that you can calm things down a little, to find a middle ground that is active and happy, but not chaotic and stressful?

I know of several people who work from home, but who are lucky enough to have had garages and barns etc. to convert to the right kind of office or storage space. Therefore, their business interests hardly impact on their houses. Indeed, the office I work in is in a converted barn and the arrangement seems to work well.

I guess you are not lucky enough to have that sort of space? Nor am I, though I wish it were otherwise because my DH is such a disaster around the house and has hoarding tendencies that I have to keep curbed or we would be overrun.

to you. I think that living like that would make me feel like a visitor in my own home, and I wouldn't like that.

Wottoo, she does have a life. She did sort out the Skype and she does have work herself too as I understand it.

You might have all of that energy in your late 50s, and good for you. If people are happy with their established status quo then that should be fine too.

Your first post looked empathetic. Your second was horrible. She isn't you. She is happy as she is but struggling with the chaos from her husband.

HI OP,

I am so sorry, but I DO think you are being unreasonable and seem very keen to paint your OH in a very bad light. Some of the terminology you use comes across as very over dramatic. A ghastly weekend? You merely didn't get your own way - no one died!

You seem to want us all go slate him and say what a terrible husband he is, but NO sorry that is not the case - I think you need to lighten up a huge amount

Your husband is perusing this business and other hobbies because he is bored - and needs more fulfillment than sitting at home is offering

Also, late 50s is not elderly these days, but you seem to have resigned yourself to elderly. What a shame for you, but do not inflict this rubbish on your husband, he wants to go out and have fun! Let him be.

To me the weekend was a ghastly one. I have my own work to do - but only had a couple of hours to myself to do it.

A lot of time was taken up with preparing for Sunday's trade event and Sunday with the event itself. Probably about 10 hours work in all After costs, we made £30 profit - although there may well be spin-off work as a result of the contacts made.

I also had to step in and do some cooking and sort out a technological problem at short notice.

It wasn't relaxing or profitable. But yes, nobody died so I should be grateful.

You blame your daughter leaving home and the menopause, but come on , swift kick up the butt needed - we all go through those.
Fact of life. Those reasons do not excuse an 'the world revolves around me attitude' - constant complaining and whining just make a person far less attractive to BE around

You were whittling at your husband to sort out the lap top, whittling away when you could have just sorted it out yourself, which you eventually did, so what was the point of the complaining, and why is it up to your hubby anyway? This is victim mentality that you want something / anything to whinge about...

You moan about having to clean your own house, so I assume you wouldn't bother normally? Of course you would, this is another reason to play the victim - we all have houses to clean

You need to realize how blessed you are, and then work from there

Sorry I am not saying this to be mean, i'm not getting anything out of it, I just think you need telling how it appears and how lucky you are.

And I don't think that he's terrible. I'd like a slightly more stable environment in which to write. A bit more quietness really does help with that, though obviously it's up to me to be disciplined.

And I suppose that I'd like for us to be able to sort out the house and garden, as well as go out places. For him to regard that as something postive.

(I am not sure that it's automatically a sort of Darby and Joanish activity. I'd thought it might be good for us to have time to do that together after years and years of our being too busy and /or too skint.)

Fair enough your weekend was not that relaxing, but correct me if i am wrong, you are in your 50s and only work part time- so you have a huge portion of time to relax on your hands, don't you?

I also had to step in and do some cooking and sort out a technological problem at short notice.

You do sound angry and/or depressed - the above statement, read by itself, is quite odd. Some cooking and a tech problem? How can that be so dreadful?

I know couples where one is mad keen on a hobby and sometimes the other travels along in their wake or else ignores the whole thing and gets on with their own interests. I suppose retirement puts a couple's differing interests into stark relief.

If you're making £30 for 10 hours work for the two of you then you are not making enough money for this to be classed as anything other than a hobby. Just stop being invested in it. He has to make it succeed on his own and if it fails, like most small businesses do, then he will have to just do it because he enjoys it rather than any kind of money-maker.

I help my husband run his business, which is partly run from home and partly from a workshop. The paperwork is enough to cope with at home. I couldn't cope with him storing materials and doing the work here too. It becomes impossible to switch off. If he ant afford premises, again, his business is not really viable. You can get a little workshop around here for £250 per month and we're not by any means in a really cheap area.

He doesn't want to sort out the house and garden though does he, if you try and force it wont work, there will be resentment on either side I guess. Your husband has different expectations of what later years are going to be like, I think

How about, getting some help in to sort out house / garden issues? That way everyone is happy?

Do you have a room you can go to write, a study etc?

It sounds as if you are in a pushmepullyou situation: he wants to be leaping around seizing life in a rather mad manner doing hobbies, activities etc, and you want to be living the quiet life, gardening, days out...

The word might be "compromise" here.

this level of energy is wearing though when the outfall is you end up cleaning up, tidying up and sorting out in his wake - I know exactly what you mean

I'm all for leaping around seizing life - My OH is not the same though he is very much a home bod

If we had an unexpected windfall, for example if we won £5,000 on the lottery, my first thought would be Holiday. My husbands would be 'let's get the driveway repaved'

It can be trying at times - for us both

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It's not just his business, you are involved too because:

1. you manage to storage area eg your house
2. you manage the client areas eg living room/garden
3. you are doing some administrative work

Maybe sit him down and talk about how his committment has turned into your committment. Does he really want to do all the work that is required to run this business effectively? Can he sort it all out independently so you don't have to be involved? Or should you manage it together (which might be total nightmare for you as he might not want you to have a say?)?

I get extremely annoyed if my husband's hobbies, of which he has many, spill either physically or mentally all over my living space. I have now designated him an area in the house (his room) and a shed and everything has to go in there. Our living space is for relaxing in, not stepping over broken glass.

And, no, I wouldn't want to spend the entire weekend at trade shows or events, it's boring! It's not your thing.

Equally, I don't put my stuff all over the living space, or make my husband come on both days of his weekend off to my events. I really don't think many people would find it reasonable if a wife/partner demanded this of them.

This reminds me of those threads where the dad is out cycling all weekend and thereby unable to look after the children, take them to parties, or do any cooking, then everyone tells them not to be so ungrateful and to be happy they are still fit and active! Basically, his new hobby (as that's what it is, it's not a business to make heaps of money) is taking up your weekend and mental space and you have to facilitate it by cooking and cleaning around him and then be grateful he's so mentally active!

I would reinstate your living room and kitchen as non-hobby areas, and also go out on weekends and do your own stuff, not be an accessory to his interests as they will just leave you feeling frustrated.

I think the cooking and the tech problem is about who is looking after who. So far too much of the weekend was about me looking after and supporting him.

I had agreed to help him prepare for the event and do the event itself, but felt that I did resented the 'extras', which felt like last straws..

To me I was already going at full tilt - and putting my husband's stuff first at a time when I am also conscious of the end of year deadline for my own project becoming increasingly close.

Glad you know what I mean RB68

I certainly don't want to be prematurely old and am thinking a lot about plans for the future. However, the fact that HRT proved to have unpleasant side effects, and having broken sleep because I am one of those people where the hot flushes go on and on on, means I am just not in quite as good nick as I used to be.

I think someone else makes a good point- do you want to be an admin person? If not, say' you need to pay an admin person' and leave him to it. I don't have anything to do with my husband's business now as it used to stress me out terribly, and he's found someone else to do those bits and I leave them to it!