AIBU stopping my 18yr old Daughter staying out overnight (when there's weed involved!!)

[Saffy38]

I am desperate for help.

My Daughter recently started going out with a group of new friends after turning 18yrs old. We were pleased because she hasn't had any good friends throughout her school life, and now she's out with friends who are aged up to 24. She started staying over one of the friends flat over the weekends and all was ok for a while (because I thought they were all just friends).

We have always been very open with both children and we are a very close family. My Daughter has talked to us about everything - ALWAYS; but the latest developments are a parents worse nightmare, and I am honestly beside myself as to what to do.

She was a virgin, but she's told us that she's been sleeping with her bi-sexual boyfriend for about a month. She says she's in love with him one week, but the next week she's in bits because he doesn't treat her nicely. He has admitted that he cannot show her affection; he cannot hold her hand in public or show her any affection outside; he hasn't spent a penny on her when they're all out (because he only does a few measley hours in a supermarket & has no money!), yet she spends all her money on cabs to his flat, cabs back, bottles of drink, she even has to buy her own food because he cooks himself dinner and eats it in front of her, without even asking if she wants anything!!

She's told us that They have sex almost every time and believes she's in love - despite him treating her like a dog....although, he'd probably feed a dog! We recently found out that he smokes dope every day, and he's even got her smoking it now!

She has asked us for our help to get her out of the relationship with him a couple of times (which we have), but has always gone back to him. It's been truly awful here for the last 6 weeks. We even changed her mobile number and blocked her internet access, which she agreed to. She's been in tears because she's so confused, we've been in tears because we're trying to get her to understand that the way he's treating her and the sexual things he is suggesting that he's going to do to her (I'll leave that to your imagination!) and to be honest, I am honestly struggling to cope.

Another friend (boy) who she hadn't seen for a few years got in touch recently and suggested they go out for a catch up (just someone she'd quite liked when they worked together 2yrs ago)...he treated her like a Queen and she came back ecstatic, on cloud 9. She thought about it all night, comparing the 2 and was thrilled to tell us that she knows the bi-sexual relationship is wrong,my hat she's being used! We were so happy. An hour later (because the bi-sexual boyfriend keeps texting her lovey, dovey crap) she is back in love with the other one!!

We have said that if she is choosing the bi-sexual one, that now we know that they are over there smoking drugs, she cannot stay overnight there anymore! She lost the plot, said she was an adult and could do what she wanted, but we asked her what decent parents would want their 18yr old Daughter sleeping round a pig sty, getting drunk and smoking drugs??!!

AIBU?? She said that we are dead to her; that we interfere with her life all the time (yet she always NEEDS us to get her out of situations!); that she'd rather leave home.....it was awful yesterday. She hasn't spoken to us since the argument yesterday morning and went out at 10am this morning- she's still not home. We know that she's with her (girl)friend who absolutely agrees with everything we have said and is trying to help her see sense about the way the bi-sexual boyfriend is treating her.

But please tell me if our feelings are irrational!! Are we supposed to leave her to get on with whatever she wants, even though we know she's going round there and they're smoking drugs??! We are pulling our hair out with stress!!

I'm sorry if this post is too long 😥😥

The Bi-sexuality is relevant because the boyfriend could be unfaithful with males and females, so double the chances of heartbreak.

wtaf?? Not double chances of heartbreak. The same heartbreak. It's not like he will have a limit of women he will cheat with and then go on to men.

To be fair to the OP, her daughter does seem quite liberal with the information she feeds her mother vis a vis her sex life.

I was a fairly friendless teenager myself, but I'd have died a thousand deaths before I told my mother the finer points of what I was getting down up to with boyz.

And as it happens being bisexual doesn't mean "cheater". Based on the OP it looks like her daughter is the one with two men on the go.

Bisexual in no way increases the chance of a person being a cheater, what an odd attitude to have.

OP I think you need to let her be and if she's making a mistake it's her mistake to make. If you stop her from seeing her friends and boyfriends, as an adult, she is likely to move out of your house and do it anyway.

Grit your teeth and be there as a safety net when needed, there's nothing else you can do op.
She's an adult and needs to work out things on her own.
It's not easy but back off and keep your fingers crossed all works out for the best, whatever that may be.

The boyfriend sounds like a dick, but a lot of young people suck at relationships. He sounds immature.

OP's daughter sounds a bit immature too, but that won't change if she keeps being so closely mothered (and of course, she can legally just move out now).

OP seems to have a real issue with the bisexuality.

I find it hard to get worked up about smoking weed - its basically legal where I am. I'd rather my kid was using marijuana than drinking alcohol.

For me the OP is being VVU and very controlling. The only mitigating factor is how immature her daughter sounds, but I imagine the OP has a hand in that.

Very Bitchy - You have made a comment. Actually I would maybe be a statistician and not a statistition as described by you.

You would no more be a statistician than I would be queen of the Spelling Bee.

No I have an 18year old. We're best friends but I wouldn't ask her about her sex life, nor she mine.
As for bi_sexuality so why does that matter

TheBouquets stop talking bullshit please, coming from a bisexual person that has never cheated nor had an sti because I have always practised safe sex.
Some of the utter crap that people come out with on this website astounds me.

OP she is 18, let her live her life and be there for support and guidance if she needs it but ultimately she needs to make her own choices.
At that age I was moving in with my boyfriend, now husband.

TheBouquets, your veiws are offensive to bisexual people. It doesn't matter if you're interested in men, women or both - it's not a factor in if you cheat or very lax in using protection. That is down to an individual person. Unless you have solid evidence to back up your claims that bisexuals are very promiscuous and more likely to have stds of course - in which case I will apologise. So please, educate us!

Thebouquets
So how did you come by that opinion?

TheBouquets you're a homophobe hiding behind "statistics" and your attitude stinks

A bisexual person is not more or less likely to cheat than a straight person or a gay person.

The boyfriend sounds like a wanker but that is nothing to do with his sexuality

A Spelling Bee perhaps... not a Grammar Bee by a long shot....

Jen - bisexual means sex with either and both sexes.

Yes, but not cheater, as I said.

Bouquets Bisexual means attracted to both men and women. It does not mean being sexually promiscuous.

Op I hope you are referring to 'the bisexual one' as an awkward way to differentiate between the two boys when you would rather not use names.

Very Bitchy - I know people like you in RL. I am a statistician involved in the collection of data re certain STIs. I could actually manage a whole load better than you in spelling bee as well as adding up quite well.
Your name is apt.

Only person causing offence on this thread at the moment is you.

Sounds like a nightmare, but do so you with your bisexual issues.

oh dear...
I am sorry but you must remember that she is now an adult.
I lost count of the amount of times you said 'bisexual'.
All you can do is advise her to practice safe sex, whoever she is with.

Heartbreak is part of growing up (which it sounds like she really needs to do). Useless boyfriends are par for the course, otherwise we'd all marry our first loves and live happily ever after. I also find it hard to get worked up about an 18yo smoking some weed. She shouldn't have told you if she knows what you're like. She should tell you less and you should let her make a few mistakes. As long as she's using contraception and you're there to be a shoulder to cry on (not judge/punish) when the time comes all should be normal. And even then it'd be better if she could build up these friendships so she can talk to her peers. That's what this stage of life is all about.

I lost count of the amount of times you said 'bisexual'

I've never seen someone's sexuality referenced so much in a single post.

But I'm not confident OP is coming back.