To be fed up of my mother ...

[MariamaMay]

Single parent here. One child has additional needs. My mother does help if the children are unwell etc/if its an emergency. However, whenever I need help she nearly always reminds me how of old she is, how tired she gets, how hard it is, how no-one else her age would be looking after children etc. So I try not to ask her unless I absolutely have to. I totally appreciate looking after children gets harder as you get older, but does she need to tell me every single time - it gets wearing. I have tried to get her to commit once a week but she says she doesn't like committing so its very ad hoc and as I have said I try not to ask at all. So today, she helped by taking one child somewhere as another one sick. She phones to say that she will give the child lunch. No problem but no mention that she will have child in the afternoon as well. It gets later and later so I phone up to see what's happening. Yes, I should have phoned before to find out. Anyways, she brings child back later on but because I was a little sharp with one child (only so much screeching I can take), starts to have a go at me. She comes out with "I have had child for whole day so why aren't you more organised/more on the ball/more upbeat/more patient" spiel. If I had known she was having other child for whole day, I would have got on but as far as I knew it was just to take him somewhere/bring him back so didn't know I had a clear few hours. Also, I have spent whole day in tears due to being so burnt out. Its hard having child with additional needs even though he is so funny. But the minute I even try to say this she has yet another go. Her usual style is to then tell me how much is going on in her life. I am sure I will be shot down in flames here but I am at breaking point. I have no other support which complicates things. I haven't had a child free break - I mean even one morning off (except when working) for about a year. So I am sure that the associated exhaustion/burnt out feeling is clouding my judgement. Please please don't be harsh or shoot me down in flames. I really am at breaking point. Just some calm and objective comments would be great.

Thanks RandomMess.

It IS so hard and soul destroying. I then find it hard to be all upbeat and to put a positive spin on things. My Mum probably just sees it as me being miserable rather than understanding how burnt out I am.

A few people have asked about friends. Its a bit of a viscous circle. When you are a single parent of a child with needs its harder to get out/meet people etc. Friends have said they will come round in evening given my babysitter problems. So far not one has followed through. That includes with the actual evening being set up. So far they have all been cancelled. I totally appreciate people's lives are busy - and how crazy it can get so can see how things get changed. Its just hard when I cant get out myself. I feel a bit let down even though I shouldn't.

& that "friends" have let you down.

Please make you current "state" knowledge to school, nursery, GP, Health Visitor, Social Services - only those who shut/scream or collapse see to get any help, giving you enough support to keep going is still their cheapest option.

Be kind to yourself

I understand op, and I only have one small dd. When you are burnt out and exhausted, any criticism just cuts through you like a knife.

Its a real shame that a friend cant just take one evening out to babysit so you can have some time to yourself.

I think their dad needs to step up, where is he in the equation?

Mid seventies,my own Mum is a great grandmother and I really don't think she would be up for childcare. I think you will just have to accept that she doesn't want to do it often or for long.

I do get it, OP. I' ve been in your shoes, and my parents did help because they felt the need to do it for their child. It seems your mother doesn't want to accept that your situation is more difficult than just being a parent, she doesn't want to do it. Please ignore people who criticise you, it's about an attitude, not age of a grandparent. Your best bet is hassling social services, they can and should help, go to your MP if you need to speed it up, and don't let your mother to further exhaust your emotional recourses.

user1471550406 - Thank you!

My situation is def not about just being a parent. Its a challenging one. Single parent. Child with needs. Another child with some additional needs. No real support network at the moment. Its hard. I know that if I could find a way of getting the odd hour off, I could recharge. At the moment I am running on empty. Its hard to keep smiling when you are running on empty. The worst thing for me is the constant guilt about not doing a good enough job for the children.

I have started trying to contact people for support. Paediatrician has now written up his assessment report so its easier to start working on getting help if that makes sense. The problem of getting support is that you have to make phone call after phone call, write letters, chase it up and then chase it up some more. Its very time consuming and stressful. Which adds more stress. I have been up to stupid o clock every evening this week sorting out paperwork for the littlest!

It sounds as if you really get where I am coming from.

I am a SP of 4 dc. 2 with ASD & ADHD.

My mum hasn't looked after my younger 2 dc ever. She looked after my dd once nearly 10 years ago.

She isn't supportive in any form.

I don't expect anyone to look after my dc.
I have no family or friends locally.

Its near impossible to create a network in my circumstances.

My GP told me on Tuesday i will need surgery that requires 6 week of rest. It would mean putting the 3 youngest dc in care.

I do get Personal Budgets for the dc with SN but its woefully inadequate.

Ultimately you dig deep, put your head down & get on with it.

People aren't comfortable with the reality of having SN dc. Its absolutely shite. No one cares. Minimal services. No money, job or quality of life...

I just wanted to say it sounds very tough OP and Winnie and I feel for you.