To be fed up of my mother ...

[MariamaMay]

Single parent here. One child has additional needs. My mother does help if the children are unwell etc/if its an emergency. However, whenever I need help she nearly always reminds me how of old she is, how tired she gets, how hard it is, how no-one else her age would be looking after children etc. So I try not to ask her unless I absolutely have to. I totally appreciate looking after children gets harder as you get older, but does she need to tell me every single time - it gets wearing. I have tried to get her to commit once a week but she says she doesn't like committing so its very ad hoc and as I have said I try not to ask at all. So today, she helped by taking one child somewhere as another one sick. She phones to say that she will give the child lunch. No problem but no mention that she will have child in the afternoon as well. It gets later and later so I phone up to see what's happening. Yes, I should have phoned before to find out. Anyways, she brings child back later on but because I was a little sharp with one child (only so much screeching I can take), starts to have a go at me. She comes out with "I have had child for whole day so why aren't you more organised/more on the ball/more upbeat/more patient" spiel. If I had known she was having other child for whole day, I would have got on but as far as I knew it was just to take him somewhere/bring him back so didn't know I had a clear few hours. Also, I have spent whole day in tears due to being so burnt out. Its hard having child with additional needs even though he is so funny. But the minute I even try to say this she has yet another go. Her usual style is to then tell me how much is going on in her life. I am sure I will be shot down in flames here but I am at breaking point. I have no other support which complicates things. I haven't had a child free break - I mean even one morning off (except when working) for about a year. So I am sure that the associated exhaustion/burnt out feeling is clouding my judgement. Please please don't be harsh or shoot me down in flames. I really am at breaking point. Just some calm and objective comments would be great.

Thank you Blossomdreary. Are you the Mum or the grandparent. Thank you for a lovely balanced response.

Also thank you Graphista for the suggestions.

RandomMess - Thank you. For being able to "get it". And read between the lines of my very poorly composed post.

No - I am not defensive. Its hard to convey in a post. But today was final straw. I was a tiny bit sharp with on child because I am exhausted. I didn't mean to be. She constantly makes out what a perfect parent she was. How she had no support. Its always critical. That's the heart of it. Actually, she had a lot of support. And she wasn't the most patient person. A friend of mine who is in her 60s has been appalled by my Mum. So its not just me thinking it.

I am investigating other options. I started asking for help over a year ago from different places. I am still chasing ... !!!

I would rather never have to ask my Mum. But when a child needs A and E its rather tricky!

It is ironic that her Mum used to come and help for weeks at a time, meanwhile you have a DC with special needs and she begrudges the help she does give, it's really sad!!!

I wonder if on the SN thread someone can check whether you are accessing all the external support available? If you go to social services and tell them you are on your knees perhaps there is something out there?

It is a difficult thing to cope with children with special needs. I am not in that position myself but have looked after other people's children. It was not easy at all.
I don't see any information about the kind of special needs your children have but I wondered if there was an issue with a genetic or inherited condition going on. Years ago people did not talk of "special needs" children and I have heard of cases where children were hidden and erased from the family history. If there is something like that perhaps your mum is feeling a bit guilty or something.
Another issue for your mum could be that as she ages she is watching that you are struggling to cope with your own children and therefore would have no time or energy to help your mum when she becomes older and less capable and needs some help from you.
Meantime you are in the middle of all this being run ragged and being over exhausted. You really need to get some help. Do either of the children go to nursery or could they go to a child minder to give you some time free to yourself? You could contact Home Start or if you are in receipt of disabled allowances or carers allowance you could try a Carers Association. Social Services offices would have information where you could get hep and the Health Visitor would also have some helpful information.
Hope you get some help soon so that you can have some rest and recoup.

OP, just want to say I sympathise with your feelings re your mum's criticism.

I may be reading too much into it but wonder whether she has historically displayed 'one-upmanship' in other aspects of her relationship with you? I.e. could her criticism of your parenting be her way of feeling better about herself regarding certain things in the past?

In case, if her behaviour is toxic for you then I agree with PP, you need distance from her and alternative childcare arrangements. Good luck

It's not ideal to take a sibling along to A&E, but you will see loads of siblings there, brought along because parents didn't have a friend or family member handy to care for them.

I think my Mum sounds similar to yours in that she is clear that she has done her parenting and now we have to get on with it. She will occasionally do a favour but I can't rely on it. It's not unreasonable in my view.

Can the child(ren)'s father not pitch in occasionally, or could you not trade childcare favours with friends? I'd certainly follow up the suggestion of looking into support groups, whether for single parents or for parents of children with special needs (or both). I'm sure it would help to network with parents in a similar situation to your own.

You might also find your mother less critical of your parenting if she did not feel under pressure to commit to help. Maybe this is her way of managing your demands, maybe even subconsciously.

How old is your eldest child OP? Mid 70s isn't elderly - my grandmother is over 90 and doesn't consider herself elderly so my view may be influenced by this!
Are you involved with any services who can offer you some respite, even a couple of hours a month would make a huge difference in your life. It may be worth looking into. Could you afford a carer for your child for a couple of hours a month so that you can spend some time with your eldest?
Mind yourself OK 💐💐

You sound frazzled op

How old are they ? Can you not access your free 15 hours nursary time yet?

Have you tried homestart - they can offer someone to come and help a few hours a wee

K

Elenorrigbywoes: Mid 70s is close to the average age at which people die - of course it is elderly.

Can their father not help out?

Is she in good health? My mum is just approaching 70 and is very active. My dad is early 70s and not so good. He can look after my dd because she is 11 and well behaved. He would find looking after young children tiring and difficult. I think you have to accept that she finds it challenging and seek help from elsewhere.

No my Mum does NOT bear the brunt of it. I am at breaking point but I never tell her anything any more. I manage two very complicated children by myself. Totally by myself.

I didn't mean that your mum bears the brunt of the childcare. I meant that your post suggests that you are focusing on the problem being your mum, when actually the problem is that you are exhausted, alone and burnt out.

Your mum honestly doesn't sound unreasonable or unusual; I think you're just seeing it that way because you're having such a tough time of it.

Once again, I deeply sympathise with your situation and you're obviously under a whole heap of stress, but your post was specifically about your mum, who hasn't really done anything terribly wrong here.

It's funny how people think mid 70's is really old, I work with a couple of ladies in their 70's, they say they feel it more now but can still dig in for 12/14 hour days when it's needed. Being old shouldn't effect her ability to show her dd a bit of empathy.

Phalenopsisgirl: Not everyone in their mid 70s is able to do that. Of course she should show empathy but she isn't able to provide the practical support that her DD would like. The OP admits that professional babysitters struggle with her children.

Yes, I agree with you other poster, you need some kind of support group, maybe a social worker. It's really not up to your mum, and from what you said, she'd really rather not help you out. You aren't coping, that much is clear, and about things being complicated, you haven't mentioned their father. Maybe that's where the complexity of the situation lies. You have no support. Please look into getting some.

If you told us the ages of the dc,people on here would be able to give you better advice.My mam was the same wasnt able for the kids.Is there df not involved or any friends that you could ask for some help.

I don't think that the job of being a parent ends when your child is an adult and I think she does have a responsibility to show love and interest in her grandchildren. I was talking to my neighbour (from a diffeŕent culture) about feeling awkward that my in laws look after my DCs once a week & she said "well of course they should, they are their grandchildren). We do a lot for them in return.

children are 3 and 6 (almost)!

littlesallyracket

I think your right - the real problem is feeling alone, exhausted and burnt out.

Not sure whether that clouds my thinking about my Mum or not. Hard to tell. I do get criticised quite a bit.

I've been exhausted and burnt out in the past, it's utterly miserable and soul destroying. If my adult DC were in that state I really hope I'd do whatever I could to help rather than criticising them

I don't think mid-70s is old any more. In the next five years, I suspect the retirement age will increase to 70 as we live longer and longer and in better health. Average age of death for women in the UK is now 83 so if she's in good health then there is no reason why she can't look after a child for a few hours.

But I suspect she just doesn't want to and her age is just a bit of a red herring. I would look for other avenues of support. Your local offer should have details of support and respite. You need to look after yourself - if you're close to breaking point, ask for help so that you don't get there which would be in nobody's interests.

I'm sorry - it must be very disappointing and hurtful to find that your own mother doesn't actually care that much :(