To ask what a decent guy is like?

[BlueJayBear]

In the past week, I have realised that what I thought was me realising I'm in a simply unsatisfying relationship that we were never compatible for etc, was actually an emotionally abusive one - and actually from fairly early days.

I'm leaving him - and soon - but this revelation has hit me. I've started reading around the subject and it seems that his is a classic profile, and has had a huge impact on me. It also seems that I've probably never had a healthy relationship.

I'm going to have to get some proper help when I've moved out and things start to settle because frankly, I have no idea how I will ever trust a guy again.

So I was wondering - if there was a profile for 'Normal, Loving Type' a la these 'abuser profiles' - what would it look like?

[minipie]

Fab post by Reality here

[TorchesTorches]

Agree with Eolian about being treated like a princess being a red flag for me. I think it's about mutual respect and trust, not one person being on a pedestal or being special in some way. Its both putting each other first, but in a low key, day to day way (ie making the other person a cup of tea).

[Dutch1e]

• He makes kind jokes instead of cruel ones.
  
• He sends you to bed when you're sick and doesn't behave as if he can't work a washing machine or care for your children
  
• If you make a massive gaff you want to call him, not hide it from him
  
• A argument is when you both want to hear how to make the other person feel better, or when you just get it off your chest and trust that it will be OK
  
• You both try really hard to give each other a sleep-in or a night out with friends
  
• As said earlier, he speaks respectfully about exes
  
• You like him (not just love him, that's the easy bit)
  
• He likes you and you feel it

[MrsDesireeCarthorse]

You've almost answered your own question. A decent guy has decency. He has it the same way you would, although you may be very different people and decent men come in all varieties. A few qualities of a decent person - kind, trustworthy, loyal, has integrity and a heart.

I think decency can be very under-rated, or mistakenly seen as boring. It's a very quiet virtue for all its strength.

[JellyBelli]

I recommend the book The gift Of Fear by Gavin de Becker. In it he explains the concept of pre incident indicators and calculating probabilities.
For example, if you see more than 3 PINS for violence, the probability of a violent episode happening within 7 days goes up to over 90%.

There are ways to spot the compliance tests that some abusers use, to see how compliant you are, while they are still masking their real intent.
I take people at face value until I see a compliance test or other issue.

[WhooooAmI24601]

I don't think there's a definite type. A huge amount of it for me was that I had stopped being a dick when I met (now) DH, so he was just the right fit for me. Had I met him a few years earlier we'd never have got together let alone been married with children.

For me the defining factor about DH which makes me know (hope) that he's a good bloke, one who wouldn't shit on our family, is that he treats everyone respectfully. It doesn't matter if it's the window cleaner, a child's mate come to tea, a CEO of a company he's entertaining, everyone is the same. He grew up hugely privileged and could have turned out an utter bellend. But he's good through and through and has nothing but kind words for and about everyone. He has flaws but, ultimately, is such a good man that they're outweighed.

A few years ago a partner in his company attempted to do him out of tens of thousands of pounds and it all got quite nasty with solicitors and whatnot involved. Through it all, DH behaved with dignity while I silently wished the rains of hell fire on the guy. DH was furious, of course, but at a recent event to do with his business he came across the ex partner. I was there, too, and watched with baited breath to see if DH would finally erupt and massacre the bellend for attempting to do so much damage to his business. DH walked past, acknowledged him and kept his head high while the man tried to make conversation. I wanted to take my shoe off and beat the guy to death with it. DH smiled and laughed and the guy was clearly uncomfortable and left early. I've never known anyone quite like DH for keeping his cool when I'd be losing my shit. That's a good man.

[NoMorePercyPigs]

I am in same boat as you Blue although not as far along as I can't bring myself round to the idea of leaving yet - even though I know that's what I would tell anyone else to do

So no real advice but just wanted to say you aren't alone

I think what scares me and worries me is my DH has lots of these 'nice' characteristics that posters are mentioning on this thread, it makes me doubt myself. But then it's so at odds with the other side of him.

[BertieBotts]

This is a pretty good summary:
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Mr_wrong_and_Mr_right.html

I think it's also important to look at what a good man is like when things go wrong or you are having a bad day. It's easy to look at the good bits, and think that the bad parts of an abusive partner are normal reactions to stress, but they're not. When a supportive partner is having a bad day they don't take it out on you. They might look to you for support (they should!) but they won't treat you badly because of it. If they are angry with you about something they will approach that constructively. They tell you what the problem is (even if it takes them some time to do so) because they want you to fix it, not because they want you to feel bad. They might deal with anger in different ways but they won't make you feel intimidated, threatened or fearful.

But yes, I think the biggest thing is just feeling like you're equals and that they consider you a partner in the true sense of the word. This was the hardest thing to get my head around and now I'm on the other side, it's hard to get my head around how I could have thought relationships could exist without this! It's just absolutely zero tolerance now, I couldn't cope with a relationship without it.

[BlueJayBear]

Bertie that link is really insightful, thanks for sharing.

Weirdly, I had a freak out the other day as he texted me and used my name. The freak out was because, in the 6+ years we've been together, he's never called me by my name.

[KindDogsTail]

Well done for getting out and I so hope you will find someone you can trust in the future.

Counselling for yourself will probably help a lot. There need to be natural boundaries, a sense of self and others. It is quite possible you have had a difficult childhood where these things weren't present and where the only role models you had were treating each other badly - and possible treating you badly too, or perhaps one of them was kind but smothering, leaving you with a confused sense of where you ended and they began.

[notagiraffe]

Not rtft, but here's stuff that I think are signs of a nice and normal man:

He wants the best for you. He supports you succeeding at the things you want to do, and doesn't take the mickey or make negative remarks (eg if you're overweight and take up running or have lousy school record but decide to go back to college)
He is on your side if people are bitchy.
He makes an effort to get to know and like your friends and family.
He celebrates good times with you: birthdays, Christmas, goals reached etc
He doesn't think women should look or behave in a certain way. He understands we're all individuals.
He does his fair share around the house and with the DC.
He doesn't have one rule for himself and another for you (eg. he's not endlessly off to lads weekends away because he works 'hard and deserves it,' while you're stuck home 24/7 with tiny DC who don't sleep through
When you're ill he makes soup
When you're shattered he runs you a bath
When you've had a rough day he pours wine/brews tea and hugs you

My DH has Asperger's and a lot of this stuff doesn't come naturally to him, so I had to explain over and over why it was important. But he wanted to learn and he does try. And he adores me and the DC. And is tirelessly kind and romantic. That's the bottom line, I think. You just know when they want the best for you.

[BarbarianMum]

BuggerOff me too ! (re the abusive father/ lovely partner thing) My dsis and I have both married good guys - we both had years of training in what we didn't want, I guess. Pity our mums had to suffer.