To be gutted that DD has to do an extra year of Sixth Form?

[LoopyHoopy]

To be honest, the sadness has only just kicked in, as all her friends are going to look at unis, etc. she is staying on (well, moving to a different college) to repeat the a year she is currently repeating her AS.

She seems really happy about it, saying that it gives her a chance to work harder at it, as now she has failed, she knows how it's important to put the time in and says she's actually glad she failed that's the sentence that really pisses me off.

She then says how she might not even want to go to uni I know it's pathetic, but I never went to uni and know how shit it is to be struggling in a crap job.

She says she might even do an apprenticeship, the reason this is annoying is because she has her eye on an apprenticeship she can do right now (you need to have done GCSEs) so I'm not getting why she wants to waste this time getting A-Levels when she can go into it right now? Is it just me, or does it seem silly what she is doing?

To be honest, she's so blasé about it and it really winds me up

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

She seems really happy about it, saying that it gives her a chance to work harder at it, as now she has failed, she knows how it's important to put the time in and says she's actually glad she failed hmmshock that's the sentence that really pisses me off.

I am always relieved when students make statements like this because it shows a remarkable degree of self-knowledge and learning. Failure isn't nice, but it is a wonderful teacher. Assuming she is now working hard (and she realises that hard work = good grades, which not everyone does), then good for her. Even if she does an apprenticeship then the year is not wasted because getting the A-Levels is like putting money in the bank. It will give her options for the future if she needs them ... and in this world where things change so rapidly she well might. Please show that you are proud of her for picking herself up, holding her head high and having another go? It probably isn't easy for her ...

[sarahnova69]

she knows how it's important to put the time in and says she's actually glad she failed... that's the sentence that really pisses me off.

She's right though. This could be the making of her. We all have to confront failure and having to re-plan in our lives, and if she's able to buck herself up and try again, harder, rather than collapsing in despair, she's already ahead of the game.

Getting her A-Levels will give her the option to go to uni if that's what she decides she needs, but on no account should she go to uni if she's not sure yet where she wants to be. That's a recipe for disaster, not to mention £30k of pointless debt. She can do a Higher Apprenticeship, or study via the Open University or other distance learning while working, or go to a traditional uni full time, later. Unis LOVE students who took time out, be it two years or ten, before they come because they tend to actually KNOW why they are there, and to really want to be there, rather than just following the next step on the parent-approved treadmill.

She is fine. She sounds switched on. Trust her.

[SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn]

Having A levels will allow her to keep her options open re: uni/apprenticeships. It also allows the possibility of higher level post A apprenticeships should she choose or to enter the apprenticeship schemes she's already mentioned with more skills and confidence. It sounds like she's making good choices in terms of future planning and gaining qualifications that will allow a variety of paths - a lot can change in terms of career direction within a couple of years. It's also really encouraging how positively she has reacted to her AS setback and repeating the year. It's when things don't go to plan that you build resilience and true life skills - learning to bounce back wiser and stronger. She sounds a credit to you.

[Showmetheminstrels]

She's only three years behind YOUR schedule. Maybe you should take a moment to think about why that's so important for you. Cos I'm not sure your reasons deep down are to do with her wellbeing and more to do with what everyone else thinks?

I think doing her a levels is an excellent idea. It keeps doors open for her.

Let go. She's an adult now. Be happy that you've raised a daughter who isn't a sheep. :)

[TeenAndTween]

YABU. Doing the A levels gives her more options. She will have those qualifications in her back pocket for life, showing her capability.

Lots of people do career changes mid life that doesn't put them '10 years behind'.

Better she moves around a bit now, gets qualifications, matures, gets an idea of what she wants. At least she's not at home dossing around all the time.

[Fauchelevent]

Your daughter seems sensible! I am paying off a degree I neither enjoyed nor am using. I took one gap year and got scared by the idea of a second so jumped into any degree I was qualified for. I am now in a role I would have been better off starting many years before. On my degree course there were people in their thirties. Don't get so bogged down with the idea of her taking the traditional path.

[RufusTheSpartacusReindeer]

I think she is being very sensible

I wish ds1 was repeating year 1.

He did so badly and is having to retake everything

Masses of revision and i think he is struggling

[YoungBritishPissArtist]

OP, don't live vicariously through or project your own issues on to DD.

Lose the whole 'behind' mindset. Love and support her and let her make her own choices.

[AlphaNumericalSequence]

Your OP makes me feel quite sad. Your daughter seems to have a great attitude and to have learned a lot about study and motivation. Whatever she does A levels, apprenticeships, degree these are all valuable achievements and experiences in their own right. They aren't time wasting in the race to get -- where, precisely?

It is terrifying to think of young life as a rush to get beyond all these opportunities to learn and to develop and to work out what the hell the rest of their life is going to be about.

My oldest son is ill and therefore unable to make use of this challenging time in life, and I know he is horrified by the thought of 'getting behind'. It is an illusion. If life is a race, it is a race into the grave. That is the finishing line.

Let your daughter focus on the journey rather than the destination, and feel proud of her thoughtful attitude to it all.

[ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin]

My mum had a very fixed idea of the route to a happy successful life and was very unsupportive of anything I wanted to do that deviated from that. As a result I spent nearly 10 years doing stuff I wasn't really into and went back to do what I wanted to do in the first place anyway. I don't blame my mum at all but I have achieved all that she wanted for me by doing what I wanted to do. Trust your girl .

[zznotxy]

If she definitely wants to be a Lab Tech would choosing different AS levels for her repeat year be an option? My DS is doing Applied Science, which is a lot mote coursework/practical than the single science subjects.

Also, I screwed up my A levels, redid a year, went to university a year later than my peer group, to do a different subject from the one I originally intended, (and felt a lot more 'mature' :) than the mainly 18 year olds I joined). That failure was the best thing that happened to me, it was a wake up call, I didn't fail an exam again and I was a Professor at a Russell Group university by the time I was 40.

[TheCompanyOfCats]

I get it OP. My SD is like this, 'I'll re-sit this year and then maybe next year I'll faff around, and then maybe in three years time I'll go to uni...' etc.

I know that people are saying that it's her own life etc. but it is difficult when you see their peer group going through a completely different life stage and becoming adults.

No advice but just wanted you to know that we've been through this too

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP... Your daughter may be trying to save face a bit and putting a very positive slant on it because you sound so utterly despondent about what is essentially, her life.

So she may not have put in the time and effort but she's repeating just one year. Be positive about that because she could just as easily have said that she wasn't going to.

To put this in perspective for you, there are plenty of graduates in dead-end jobs (as you perceive them) - and plenty of people 'who went to the University of Life' who are doing just fine and dandy. I went to university twice as a mature student when I was working full time and have two post-grad degrees. You daughter can just as easily do the same or follow some other path.

To be honest, the only parents that I see with 'faces like smacked arses' are the ones who feel the need to live through their children. It's not a parent's job to micromanage a near-adult past school, nice as it is to be able to support them - they don't and shouldn't need hand-holding!

[AddictedtoLove]

OP YABU. Completely.

You seem opposed to your daughter having an education. That is unreasonable.

[Shakirasma]

When my DSD left school at 16 she went to a sixth form college for a year, hated it and did very badly. So the next year she went to a community college and did 2 years gaining NVQs in travel and tourism (which she has never put to use) before taking on various badly paid caring jobs never settling anywhere for long.

But she had a good work ethic so we left her to it and eventually she decided she wanted more for herself so booked herself on an access course at college which she completed whilst still working part time. Now aged 24 She's in her second year of university, still working part time, and is getting distinctions in all her assignments and has just been chosen to receive an award from the Dean to recognise their effort and achievement.

OP I know you you just want the best for your DD but all people are different and some just don't know what they want until later than others. Give her a bit of credit and make sure you support and encourage but please don't pressure her.

[SquirrelPaws]

A friend of mine dissolved his 6th form years in a 2-litre bottle of white cider to the extent that we were really quite worried about him. It surprised no one that he failed his A-levels. He re-did them, got his act together, went to a good university where he got a First, and got onto an excellent and very competitive graduate training scheme. He's now one of the most successful of our group of friends. In terms of career success, he was the first of the group to become a higher-rate taxpayer. (He is also happily married with lovely kids, and successful in his sporting hobby, so he's doing well all round.)

Anecdotes don't prove anything except that Dave is doing well, but it sounds as though he fell further than your daughter did and still managed to claw it back and excel. Don't despair, she sounds focused and motivated now.

[Dozer]

Having A levels "in the bag" (if she sorts herself out and studies), even if she later does an apprenticeship or something else later that doesn't necessarily require them, will give her more study and work options.

[Rushpotato]

Kindly: YABU.

"maths, philosophy & ethics and French a bloody bit of everything tat's bloody great, don't stifle her by expecting for her to do topics tarts make sense to you. she'll be fine if you let her get on with things. Encourage her, tell her you're proud she is making her own decisions and encourage her perhaps to talk to a careers advisor if possible. in the kindest possible way, maybe the fact that you haven't been to uni shapes your attitudes towards your dd. It is not her responsibility to make up for what you didn't do in life, she will find her own way. Lab tech is not bad. Doing a levels also brilliant especially if she wants to do a degree in bio medical sciences later. don't pressure her but support praise and encourage. we all had to find our way. its never easy sounds like your dd is doing not too badly at all.

[JoffreyBaratheon]

Actually, strikes me as sensible to do the A Levels then the apprenticeship - she is leaving all options open for the future.

One of my sons has special needs and we never thought he'd go to uni in a million years. (For example - he couldn't read til he was 17). Because he'd find it impossible to find a job when he left school at 16, he went on to college and ended up doing a BTEC. Slowly, he got higher levels. He ended up spending 5 years at our local college, and in that final 18 months the 'university' word was mentioned, and he went to uni, several years older than most of the others in his year, a couple of years back. He's doing well (got a 2.1 in an assessment recently). He followed the right path for him and he is so happy now. He doesn't mind being older than most of his friends at uni. It isn't an issue.

Sounds to me like your daughter is doing something eminently sensible - by getting the A Levels she isn't shutting any doors to going to uni in the future, but if next year she does an apprenticeship - she may have found the thing that makes her happy and never need to go to uni. It's about her being a happy and fulfilled adult, really, eh? And that means doing what she wants to do, not conforming to something 'expected'.

[Blossomdeary]

Your DD is right - and you are worrying unnecessarily. You say she will be "3 years behind" - behind what/whom? - it does not matter a jot. She is following her own path, researching what she might wish to do in an intelligent way and learning from the fact that she did not put in enough work previously. All sounds good to me.

As long as you can afford to support her through an etrta 6th form year (if that is what she chooses) then there is no problem.

Please be upbeat with her - say how pleased you are with her adult attitude to her situation, and support her in HER choices.

I know lots of young people for whom uni was a drain on their time and resources and progressed them not one jot in their final chosen careers.

[FruitOwl]

Your daughter sounds very mature and sensible OP. It will be a real advantage to her to have A Levels going forward. She has her whole adult life to work; an extra year or two studying now won't put her behind at all. If she wants to do an apprenticeship you should try to support her decision- if uni isn't right for her it will be a very expensive mistake and she will be in debt for years. I say this as someone who has a degree btw! I do understand where you're coming from but it sounds like your daughter knows what is the right choice for her. All the best.

[Sleepybeanbump]

Your daughter sounds mature and reasonable about this. She's being positive after a failure and is keen to learn from her mistakes. You should be proud of her.

I don't understand what you want her to do? If you want her to go to university then she needs these A levels. But then you say you also think she should do this apprenticeship now! By getting A levels the key thing is she's keeping her options open. She can then go to uni. Or not. Or do an apprenticeship later. Or not. Her choice.

Most 17 year olds simply aren't in a position to decide what they want to do with their lives. The key thing is to make sensible decisions that will enable you to make these decisions when you are able. Seems to me your daughter is doing exactly that.

Sounds like you just want her to something, ANYTHING rather than what she is doing.

Timing wise there's no problem. People take gap years, work, travel, do a year of a course then change their mind, some do courses that are longer than others...it all evens out by the time you're 20 or so.

And what's wrong with Maths, philosophy and French? My DH has a degree in maths and philosophy so they go together nicely. A language is always a good skill. And what's wrong with studying the things you enjoy and are good at anyway?

I made awful a level choices and actually closed off paths forever which now I wish I had open to me purely because of the AWFUL obsession of my parents and teachers that I had to do a classic combination of subjects. So forced into 2 of my 3 a levels being subjects I didn't much like!

I also took a while to work out what i wanted to do. Took a few years of work before I learned enough about myself to realise what the right career was. 10 years later I'm still happy I made the right decision. I've learned things about my strength and what I enjoy that have really surprised me and which I couldn't have known before.

I can't tell you the damage and stress it caused me having parents wildly trying to push me into choices that I wasn't ready to make. They wildly proposed anything and everything, totally unsuitable things, because they were obsessed with my doing SOMETHING. No thought about what would happen if I committed to something I hated or wasn't good at

[SuperFlyHigh]

Really depends what she wants to do.

Half sister went to uni to do degree in sociology all set on a high flying police career (she was in the police cadets etc) until she witnessed a nasty attack and had to go to court and this ended her police career. She then worked in an insurance company until she got married now a SAHM/W.

SIL went to Oxford did art history degree uses it but often bemoans how badly jobs in curating are paid.

My DB did a film studies course a couple of years ago now works making corporate films and also doing photography (just been asked to be in house photographer for new magazine he worked for about 3-4 years ago on a permanent basis) but he wanted to direct films but can't, there's no money in it to live on!

I had no idea what I wanted to do at school left without a degree could have easily gone to uni with French. Ok I may have been held back and regretted at times my non career but I'm fairly happy with the other career paths I've taken.

Leave your daughter to find her own way, sounds like she really does have her head screwed on.

[versaceglasses]

She's still very young, you need to give her a chance to make her own decisions. For most kids, 17/18 is just far too young to be deciding on a future lifelong career. Doing A levels, even if she then does an apprenticeship that doesn't require them, is going to do her no harm, and will give her more options if she changes her mind in the future. That's a GOOD thing.

Regarding her A level choices, again I don't see the issue. Here's my story, which might give you some perspective (name changed cos it's identifying):

• At A level I did Computing, Sociology and Media Studies (bloody bit of everything!).
  
  
• I took a year out before uni because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. But I did apply through UCAS for animation and design courses. In the end I turned down all the offers because I still wasn't sure it was really what I wanted to do, and I had been enjoying the job I got during my year out.
  
  
• I worked for the next 5 years, moved out, etc. then at 23 decided to go to uni to study Engineering (now I was older, I was sure this was what I wanted to do!)
  
  
• I completed my degree with first class honours and received a TON of job offers! I worked at one for about a year and hated it.
  
  
• I fell out of love with the field, and moved overseas with my foreign partner. There I started a new job that had nothing to do with my degree OR my A levels, meaning all that time I'd spent so far was "unnecessary", even though I learned a LOT and had a really great time.
  
  
• I went freelance in this new area and created a very successful business in something I love, even though I had no idea this was even a job that existed about 6-7 years ago, let alone know I wanted to do it 10 or 15 years ago.
  
  
  My point is, you (and her) really don't know what's going to happen over the next 10 years. She's so young and is still going to change a lot in that time. Try to relax, help her make sensible decisions, but ones that are guided by her passions and her interests, rather than what her mum thinks she should be doing.

[RandyMagnum2]

Good apprenticeships are rare, the past few years where I work there's only been about 10 places and about 1000 applicants each year.

I did two years at college doing a BTEC before I applied for and got my apprenticeship, I believe being at college for those 2 years gave me an advantage over all the others who applied straight from school, all the other people on the same year as me were two years younger than me and fresh out of school.

I'd say even if she's not doing subjects relevent to the apprenticeship at A level, if she can demonstrate good time keeping and overall grades, and get good references from college lecturers, she'll still have an advantage over the 999 other applicants who may well just be straight from school.