How long would you leave a 12 year old at home for (alone)?

[LaurieLauren]

This will become an AIBU, but would really like to know this first...

Why? It's school related anxiety, etc. Not to do with at home.

Not to cause you concern- but my concern would be he would try to harm himself in some way.

Do you drive to work- not ideal I realise but could he not bring some books, snacks with him and stay in the car for the day? Or do you not have a family friend or neighbour who you could call on- even if you have to tell a small porky in the morning and say your childcare fell through last minute.

It depends entirely on the child.

11 yo old here would be fine. She'd reluctantly get on with any school work, music practice etc I told her she had to do. Then she'd read a bit, colour a bit...oh no, that was LAST year, now she'd play minecraft until her eyes popped out.

But she'd be bored & wanting company after day 1 I think. So I'd try to arrange something else for at least some of the days. I could leave her at the stables and she'd be fine for WEEKS though 😁

Still, he probably things being bored is FAR preferable to being at school and if you don't think you need to worry about his MH when he's at home and you don't have another option, then...

The thing is, not everyone with MH issues want to harm themselves.

I think car would be worse?

I can get a neighbour to check on him if they are not at work.

If you truly believe that he wouldn't harm himself and he is mature enough- then go right ahead.

Only you know your DS though OP and you have to appreciate that sometimes (even at 12) they keep things from you.

I had bad anxiety for years and I would of never admitted to thoughts of harming myself to my parents.

Leaving him in a car wouldn't be ideal- no. But i'd be 2 minutes away if anything happened.

My ds is 13 and in year 9, he has AS.
He is the most sensible 13 yr old I know :) he was getting 4 buses a day to school there and back at 11 so it was an easy decision to make at 12 when he didn't want to go shopping with me and dd ( now 5 )
I have always locked the front door and left his keys next to him, house phone and mobile phone next to him with numbers when necessary, back door key always in- phone calls every hour or so and plenty to drink and a snack
The longest he's been left alone for now is around 5/6 hours and he totally thrives on the independence.

We live in a small close and have wonderful neighbours and a couple who are good friends so always let someone know he's in, totally depends on the individual child.

Ds has a couple of friends who would never be left alone for a number of reasons, one mum is extremely over protective- no problem and the other mum would be petrified of what she would walk back in to as her ds is quite " high spirited " shall we say so again no problem.
I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here op, trust your judgement and in time it gets easier, I worry so much less now and have always wanted to give my ds a bit of freedom as he is able to cope.

I leave DD (12), for up to about 3 or 4 hours (the odd text sent but not constant calls). I don't leave her alone at night (so for instance not after 8pm). As of next Sept (she'll be 13), she'll be coming home alone twice a week after school (so home by 4.15) and will be alone until gone 7pm. She'll get her own easy tea too, if she doesn't want to wait until I'm home.

I think a few hours is fine and longer with check-ins is OK too.

To answer the original question, of course it's OK for "a 12 year old" to be left all day. A 12 year old with anxiety issues, not so much.

Ds is an average 12 yo I think. I have left him at home for a short working day (8-2ish) he can get himself food - the main problem tbh is the mess I walk in to (my problem obvs) I try not to do it 2 days running so wouldn't for weeks and weeks, but maybe your ds is more mature than mine. I do 2-3 hours quite regularly (I also leave dd (10) home alone for a couple of hours). I am considering leaving him at home 6:30-9pm next week as we are going to watch dd in a concert and he doesn't want to come. In your position I wouldn't-sorry

My DS has MH problems and struggles with anxiety when he is away from home. I emwoyld be concerned that your DS would have so many hours by himself to think about things without having anyone to talk to or to distract him. I also think he would begin to get anxious the closer it gets to him having to go back to school. I hope you can find a way to make this work for both of you and that he gets help for his school anxiety. It is a crippling, frightening condition to live with.

I was left all day everyday during school holidays at that age (back in 2001 ish). I was alone from about 8.45-9.15. Cooked for myself and often met friends in town five minutes away.

There was no childcare for secondary age and clubs started too late for my parents to drop me off thankfully! I loved it.

Once my youngest hit secondary school I would leave her for a working day 8-5. Prior to this she had been used to a year of half days 8-12 during year 6 holidays. This wouldn't have been possible with her two elder siblings (now adults) as they would fight like cat and dog and had loads of mates that lived locally.
I think you need to guauge the individual child and circumstances plus make all the sensible precautions like food prep, emergency plans etc...

Anybody noticed a change in MN?

In the past these sort of threads seemed to be dominated by the 'I never leave my child for a single second' brigade, and I'm a much better parent than anyone who wouldn't behave exactly the same, leaving them is neglect. So, glad some common sense seems more prevalent now.

No,not after your update.

you know your child best.
if sensible I would.
make a list of rules/chores
go through what to do if...
reevaluate if it doesn't work.
good luck.

Depends on the 12 year old. I would probably leave them home for most of the day at that age if they were sensible and capable. There is a phone, they would have keys to the house, they could make simple meals. I can't see that many situations arising where I would be seriously worried about them not coping. I wouldn't do this if they were sick, so it depends on the nature of your child's MH issue, I suppose.

In light of the MH issues, I wouldn't leave him for that length of time, OP. Sorry. If he is ill enough to be signed off from school due to his anxiety, then I don't think he is well enough to be left alone for extended periods.

I think you should have put why he was off school in your opening op.

Yes, I would leave my 13 year old at home and go to work.

No, I would no way leave a child, signed off school with MH problems, alone for several days. You seem to be trying to convince yourself it is ok. It's absolutely not and I think your GP would take a dim view of it too.

It sounds like you feel you have no other option, not like you are genuinely asking for advice, based on the tone of your responses.

One thought does occur - as your child has never been left on his own for more than an hour or so, how can you know how he will manage his anxiety? He might be fine at home normally but that is when you are there.

My 12 yo would get lonely, so I would do it at a push for one day, but not 5 days in a row.
However she would be capable of being left, just wouldn't enjoy it.

To the posters saying if you can't leave your 12yo you have failed as a parent. I think you are wrong. Children mature at different rates, some may be happy and capable to be left at that age, others not so much. Between ages 10-14 there seems to be the widest variety as to when different children are ready for different things.

6 hours as a one off maybe. Not for several days on end - he'd be bored stupid or on his phone constantly or both.

Can you ask for parental or special leave from work? My DS is 12 and loves being home alone but I think in your situation I would try and be at home.

Hmmm, I would leave my very sensible 12 year old while I was at work for the day. He knows where I work (10 minutes walk away), knows the neighbours, knows what to do in an emergency and how to make himself lunch.

You'be said your son has MH issues with anxiety. How would he cope if something unexpected happened? Knock at the door? Power cut? You being late due to traffic? Etc. If you think he would still be fine then I think YANBU to leave him home alone with phone call check ins.

12yo DD is fine on her own for 4/5 hours. I lock the doors but leave her keys to front and back, she knows what to do in an emergency, I leave food for her so she is not tempted to cook something and get distracted and I call her every couple of hours.

She is fine with that.