To think this is verging on creepy?

[CalamityPayne]

Hiya all, i have an odd situation here and want to know if I'm the one being weird about this.

I'm a single mum of a boy. My (soon to be ex) husband was arrested 2 yrs ago, the case is ongoing. I had mental health problems beforehand and they've gotten worse since our house was raided. My ex was emotionally and financially abusive, and controlled most of my life. I have anxiety and depression. I'm only mentioning this because I'm quite weird about my home, I hate the idea of anyone invading my personal space, especially without my knowledge.

I have a friend who has been my friend for nearly 20 years. I couldn't talk to him while I was with my ex, but we've recently become close again.
There was a spark there and we had amazing sex a few times, but overall he's mostly been an incredibly supportive friend and someone I can talk to. It's obvious though that despite trying, he doesn't understand my anxiety or depression.

Recently he's got a bit weird if I don't reply to texts. He texts me 4-5 times a day, and if I don't reply he will tell me to answer or he will come to my door, or that he has driven past my house and knows I'm in there, so why am I not replying? Or I tell him I've gone to bed, and he retorts that my lights are still on downstairs so I can't be.

My instincts tell me this is weird. At the very least, it makes me uncomfortable to know someone could be monitoring me in my own home- even though he's not threatening in any way, the idea of him knowing whether I'm at home or not gives me the creeps.

When I asked, he said that the occasions where he said that, he was in the area anyway and happened to notice my lights were on (no I do not live on a main road or anything- I live in a culdesac.)

AIBU to get creeped out by this?
If not, how do I tell a lifelong friend that he is being creepy?
If so, should I tell a healthcare provider about this odd feeling of not having autonomy in my own home?

What he is doing is so far from ok that I'd consider it stalking.

Bloody hell, that's really creepy and I would stop contact now!

YANBU and you need to get help dealing with him.

Yep. Creepy. Xx

It's not verging on creepy. It's seriously creepy. It's really not you.

I'd move asap

It's beyond creepy. Your last relationship was controlling and so will this one be. Tell him you do not like his behaviour and as such please do not contact you again.

YADNBU. He's a stalker and creepy doesn't even cover it. This is obviously the last thing you need. He knows you are vulnerable and is taking advantage. You need to make other people in your life aware of this situation. He is not your friend. He is a problem.

Oh, good, it appears I'm like catnip to these fuckers.

Seriously though, cheers everyone! Coming out of an abusive relationship I'm vulnerable to this kinda shit, but assholes have a way of turning it back on you, especially if you already have mental health issues.

I'm currently getting help from a therapist and Women's Aid (fantastic organisation btw) so hopefully someone can help me deal with this. I'm done with guys getting all up in my home life!

That's really odd. Not that he might be passing and notice - but that he's using it against you.

The only 'nice' explanation is that he's worried about you, wants to look out for you and gets worried when you don't respond to texts. Even that is not normal and doesn't really add up.

Sounds like, in a way, he thinks he owns you, or has special rights to your attention. He may feel he has been so supportive that he's started to see you as a dependent, not as a fully autonomous person.

Lottie- that is his response, that he worries about me.
He knows my family are very close and they always make sure I'm okay, but he says he worries unless I respond.

It's not OK. I would absolutely cut contact with him over this. As Lottie says, this sounds like he thinks he has the right to your attention and ownership, rather than a genuine concern.

It's definitely VERY creepy, controlling, disturbing behaviour. Tell people about it in real life (friends, family etc). Then tell him (extremely firmly) to stop bothering you, that his behaviour is neither normal or appreciated. I'd tell him (if you want the friendship to continue, that is) that if he can back right off for a few weeks and show that he can pull himself together there is a chance your friendship can continue, if not you don't want him in your life anymore. If he makes excuses tell him you don't accept/believe him. And if your friendship does, by some miracle, overcome this NEVER cross the boundary and sleep with him! He clearly can't stick to FWB!!

I'd say he knew you were vulnerable.

Run. Run far and run fast. And don't be afraid to contact the police if he won't leave you alone, despite you telling him to.

You're susceptible to this at the moment. You're boundaries have been worn down by your ex. I know this because I am where you are.

You will be questioning everything because you're not sure what's normal and what isn't. The one thing you've got is your gut - listen to it. I know you've been taught to ignore it - trust me I know! And it's tempting to think it's to do with your mental health issues. I understand that, I've got the t-shirt!

If you are uncomfortable then your feelings are valid. Your feelings are valid and important. You do not need to put them to one side because you are worried about hurting someone else's feelings. You have a right to feel safe!

*your boundaries - sorry I'm blaming my phone!

He knows your family look out for you and he also does not understand your mental health issues (not his fault, many don't).

BUT he is acting the way he is, so it is not out of concern in my opinion.

I can't advise you on the best way to break contact with him. I would seek advice from professional person and then act upon that advice. The most important thing is that you safeguard yourself.

Stay safe. Best wishes.

Another vote for renaming him Mr Creepy McCreepface of Creepsville. He is very creepy and sounds positively dangerous tbh, if so early on in a relationship he is laying down such controlling behaviour.

I'm glad you're involved with WA, they will really help you - sounds like they've helped you already tbh, because you've heard the alarm bells loud enough to realise that there's something not right here and posted here. But they'll help you spot this controlling, abusive behaviour before it even starts. And yeah, he's picked up on your vulnerable vibes, but you've had support and you're not as vulnerable as he thought, are you? Well done for spotting him.

Have you ever given him reason to believe you were suicidal? That would be the only reason for that sort of concern and only when relevant.

Someone who cares about you would not be harassing you, or getting angry, when you don't respond. He would understand that you need sleep and relaxation and that being made to feel accountable to someone would cause you stress.

He may think he feels obligated to look out for you now but that would only make sense as an explanation to someone who believes he's been given some level of control over you.

This is controlling and manipulative behaviour bordering on the obsessive. Heavens knows what the next step will be if his behaviour escalates. There's no way you need this man in your life. He is playing the friendly good listener etc hoping to make you dependent on him and his behaviour is bound to become abusive once he gets you to commit to a relationship with him ala Rob Titchener in the Archers.
So glad to hear you have supports OP to assist you in disengaging from this man. Great pity that after all you've been through you hooked up with him. Better luck next time.

YANBU

I would run for the hills!

It's not just a red flag, it's a bloody big red sky flare!

very, very happy that every PP thinks the same as I do. He's honing in on your vulnerabilities. He's controlling.

It's vile.

Get out!

What 'friend' pounces the minute you're single in any case? He was never a true friend.

I agree with Lottie 100%

I think rather then ending the friendship you need to sit down and have a discussion with him and tell him that his behaviour is making you uncomfortable and that if it carries on you are unable to be friends with him anymore.

I think rather then automatically assuming you have a "stalker"- maybe realise he understands your anxiety/depression more than you realise and he is concerned for his friend. If you have spent a lot of time with him lately he probably is "dependant" on you and if you are acting out of character when he knows you not in the best of places- I think it's only natural for him to be concerned.

Your judgement is sound. That's a positive.

I don't think you need take responsibility for making it right (eg by talking it through with him). His behaviour is unacceptable.

I don't know what to advise to get yourself out of this situation.

No no no dont sit down and try to talk to people who are unreasonable and controlling. All the experts say keep your distance. dont try to explain it to them, lay down a boundary.