To think this is verging on creepy?

[CalamityPayne]

Hiya all, i have an odd situation here and want to know if I'm the one being weird about this.

I'm a single mum of a boy. My (soon to be ex) husband was arrested 2 yrs ago, the case is ongoing. I had mental health problems beforehand and they've gotten worse since our house was raided. My ex was emotionally and financially abusive, and controlled most of my life. I have anxiety and depression. I'm only mentioning this because I'm quite weird about my home, I hate the idea of anyone invading my personal space, especially without my knowledge.

I have a friend who has been my friend for nearly 20 years. I couldn't talk to him while I was with my ex, but we've recently become close again.
There was a spark there and we had amazing sex a few times, but overall he's mostly been an incredibly supportive friend and someone I can talk to. It's obvious though that despite trying, he doesn't understand my anxiety or depression.

Recently he's got a bit weird if I don't reply to texts. He texts me 4-5 times a day, and if I don't reply he will tell me to answer or he will come to my door, or that he has driven past my house and knows I'm in there, so why am I not replying? Or I tell him I've gone to bed, and he retorts that my lights are still on downstairs so I can't be.

My instincts tell me this is weird. At the very least, it makes me uncomfortable to know someone could be monitoring me in my own home- even though he's not threatening in any way, the idea of him knowing whether I'm at home or not gives me the creeps.

When I asked, he said that the occasions where he said that, he was in the area anyway and happened to notice my lights were on (no I do not live on a main road or anything- I live in a culdesac.)

AIBU to get creeped out by this?
If not, how do I tell a lifelong friend that he is being creepy?
If so, should I tell a healthcare provider about this odd feeling of not having autonomy in my own home?

I like the title Mr McCreepy of Creepsville, but I worry that's too much credit- Maybe Peeping Tom McCreepy, weird uber driver of Creepsville!

Seriously though, I think maybe he feels he is owed first dibs on my time because of the amount of time he's put into talking to me, or maybe that because we slept together I owe him something more than friendship.
Since we last slept together, I told him that I didn't want it to happen again because casual sex can be form of self harm (or self destruction) for me if I'm having a bad episode, and if we did it when I was in that mindset I wouldn't want to see him again. He said he understood, but was sending me 'are you sure? I'm horny' texts within 24hrs. That was a bit of a giveaway that he really doesn't have my best interests at heart lol

When I called him on that he apologised and spoke about how much our friendship has meant over the years and all sorts of excuses. Reading back over it I feel like a bloody eejit for not telling him to fuck right off.

Thanks again guys. I appreciate it. I appear to have fallen at my first hurdle, but I'll do better next time, and hey, at least I didn't marry them this time!

Torroloco- my mental illness did have a big effect on him, we were 13 when we met and I was the first person he ever knew to be "crazy". He put time into defending and consoling me, but also abandoned me a few times when I acted in ways he couldn't agree with or understand. My long history with him makes it hard to see where the line is between something that is wrong and something that is to be a bit expected considering what he has put up with chosen to support me through.

Ultimately OP- I think it comes down to your gut feeling. If it is making you as uncomfortable as it is coming across- maybe it is best to cut ties. I can tell it isn't a decision you want to make and that is understandable as he has been a part of your life for a long time- but you do have a DS to consider as well. If he backs off and gives you your space- then you have your answer. Likewise if he doesn't. Just be prepared to make some tough decision- i.e. if he doesn't back off, you may have to consider ringing the police.

I just don't think it's fair to immediately assume someone is "nuts"- I have had D+A in the past, as have other friends and i'd like to think if I was acting out of character they would be concerned enough to come and knock on my door- and likewise i'd do the same for people I cared about.

Hi OP, yes definitely speak to your contact at WA, they may well have good advice about the safest way for you to withdraw from this creep man. Also have you thought about doing the Freedom Programme with WA? It can help you recognise abusive behaviour and teach you how to have healthy relationships in the future, might be useful if you feel you attract 'the wrong sort'.

My first thought was the same as lotties rather than automatically jumping to stalker.
Has your mental health given him
Any reason for concern that when you don't reply he gets worried for your safety?
I do think his reactions are completely ott, but i am wondering as you've said that he's been a good friend if he's simply been concerned for you?

Kali110- at first, and for a while now, I've been thinking that. The problem is that these comments often come after I've said I can't see him.

Rather than me ignoring him for a few days then him saying he will have to knock my door if I don't respond, it's turned into something where I say I'm having an early night rather than wanting company, and he responds that I can't be because my downstairs lights are on. (I leave a lamp on for my dog - it's silly, but not the worst thing about this thread!)

my mental illness did have a big effect on him, we were 13 when we met and I was the first person he ever knew to be "crazy". He put time into defending and consoling me, but also abandoned me a few times when I acted in ways he couldn't agree with or understand. My long history with him makes it hard to see where the line is between something that is wrong and something that is to be a bit expected considering what he has put up with chosen to support me through.

Whatever unpleasant dynamic this relationship has developed and the reasons for it, you don't owe him a thing. Not. One. Thing. Especially not for anything you did or said as a troubled teen. People grow up.

*im a bit weird about my house, I don't like people I don't know in it (or something along those lines)

That's not weird op. That's normal. I honestly don't think you would be 'mentally ill' if you learned to protect yourself against these people. And I say that as someone who tonight has had to tear myself away from a potentially massive creep

If you have a relationship with this guy you are just replacing one control partner for another. Get out while you can. Good luck OP

I wouldnt speak to him about it i would just change my number and cut contact.

Honestly, trust your instincts. I agree that you do not owe this man anything - not friendship, not gratitude, not sex, not anything. He is playing on your socialisation to push boundaries which no reasonable man would think it acceptable to push.

People bend over backward to excuse or minimise behaviour like this, but in the end, you don't have to do that. He has given you enough indication that you are not being unfair to him by treating him as someone who needs to be kept at arm's length because he is incapable of respecting your boundaries.

Honestly, that thing about "how can you be, your light is on" is so stalky, there is no minimisation or excuse for that level of controlling behaviour. People, know this - normal men don't text their friends stuff like this. They really don't.

Could you text him explaining that your anxiety and depression means that when he puts constant demands on your time by texting and demanding replies, or wanting to come round, it stresses you out and makes you feel suffocated?

It's very very wrong Andy I suspect after being in an ea relationship for so long your normality (completely understandably ) is a messed up

Consider the freedom Programme - or read up on it to get your boundaries re aligned

It sounds a little bit like he thinks he owns you, and thats not cool.

You are allowed to reply or not reply to texts whenever you want - heck, if an actual boyfriend tried this on with me I'd be telling him it wasnt on, never mind just a friend!

Someone that comes to your house to audit which of your lights are on after youve said youre having an early night isnt someone who is "checking you're ok", its someone who is saying "you need my permission to not see me, and I dont think the reason youve given me is good enough" as if youre pulling a sickie from work. You are not obligated to give him any more of your time than you want to, ever.

Calamity Payne, whether or not you are vulnerable is, in the nicest possible way, entirely your issue, not his. There is something so suffocating about your relationship with him that it's making me feel awkward reading it, as I struggle with boundaries too. But you need some here. Don't give him any explanation, as I feel like the minute you start telling him about anxiety or depression it becomes a green light for the cycle to continue between you two. You live in YOUR house, with YOUR stuff and YOUR mental health. He doesn't. He needs to back the f off. Ugh. Please, please push him away.

He sounds like a wrong un'

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, but there's a bit wrong with him.

Have you come across The Freedom Programme? Ask WA about it or google it. If there's one running near you then I think it will do you an enormous amount of good. I think your instincts may be generally OK but you could do with strengthening your own belief in them.