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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect newborn congratulatory card/gift from SIL?

55 replies

Bushybrenda1 · 23/11/2016 22:19

So, DS is a couple of months old now and has not received so much as a bloody card from his aunt & uncle. AIBU to feel totally pissed off by this? They don't ever ask about him, how he's getting on,absolutely nothing. When we're in their company they only talk about themselves and their pregnancy. It infruriates me, it's like they aren't willing to acknowledge their nephew. Their DD is due next month and I will make a fuss of baby even though my son hasn't received the same from them, I'm not petty. How should I treat our relationship with in laws if things don't improve when their DD is born? I can't stand by and let my son be ignored.

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Original poster
Bushybrenda1 · 23/11/2016 23:06

Maybe that's true Rainbowjack.

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Original poster
Bushybrenda1 · 23/11/2016 23:07

Italiangreyhound that's great advice, thank you! We might try that.
Hopefully it goes ok as SIL can get quite defensive.

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Italiangreyhound · 23/11/2016 23:19

It can help to use the old statements instead of you, so "I feel sad that it feels like our son's birth has not been as widely acknowledged as we would have hoped!

I was so thrilled when you made me an uncle to dear nephew one and then again to dear nephew two, and now a niece! It's great, but I feel that our new arrival has not been as warmly received into your family.

If she gets defensive, I'd try and get your dh to reassure her, t is not just about her, it is about all of you as a family.

You are wanting a good reaction from her, so you need to go quite a fair way towards her and hope she will come the final bit to you.

The other option is to just say it like it is, she gets defensive and then it's all doom and gloom. Not great for your son who will, no doubt, love his cousins and want to be involved with them.

MrsKoala · 23/11/2016 23:24

dd1 is 5 weeks old tomo. My sister hasn't been to visit or even sent a card. it's shit.

Original poster
Bushybrenda1 · 23/11/2016 23:24

Hopefully all the mummy hormones are behaving themselves too.

It makes it extra difficult when they're flying everywhere.

I hope for a good outcome long term. I'm very involved with her kids.
I guess time will tell. Very excited to meet my gorgeous niece!

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Original poster
Bushybrenda1 · 23/11/2016 23:26

That's terrible koala, I know how you feel.
Our babies have us though and they're number 1 in our eyes. It would be nice to have that support from our nearest and dearest too though

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MrsKoala · 23/11/2016 23:31

I just accept it now, it's sad tho, as dh has no family at all and i have just my parents and my half sister. I hope you have lots of other lovely relatives to fuss over your baby op.

PickAChew · 23/11/2016 23:33

I just feel so hurt for my baby.

It will only be an issue for your baby if you make it into one. I doubt if my tweens have the first clue who visited them or sent a printed on piece of cardboard to me, when they were newborns.

They have told you loud and clear that they aren't going to make a big fuss. It's disappointing for you that they aren't goin to be a devoted auntie and uncle, but you need to follow their lead.

(And it goes without saying that if they kick up a stink about you treating them no different when they become parents that you tell them to kindly fuck off please.)

PickAChew · 23/11/2016 23:37

And just caught up with the post about them being parents already. Kindly fuck off please can still work, if you feel ike you're doing all the running in the relationship.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/11/2016 23:43

YNBU. However before I opened the thead. I was thinking. Oh perhaps they're TTC and babies are a sore point.

But she's pregnant herself. Why are you going to make a fuss of the baby. They dont fawn over your child do they. They seem ridiculously blinkered. You be the same with your own baby.

Original poster
Bushybrenda1 · 24/11/2016 00:01

I think I've said fuck off in my mind quite a few times!
Babies are for spoiling and I won't be able to help myself. Maybe when I visit I could just speak to baby and ignore parents? Wink

As far as I'm aware they've not had any issues and baby is due soon so fingers crossed all goes well.

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Original poster
Bushybrenda1 · 24/11/2016 00:03

MIL doesn't help matters as she is always banging on about SIL and baby!

I'm like hello, your DS just had his very own little Ds, praise him a little!

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GreatFuckability · 24/11/2016 00:10

YABU to expect anything, they aren't obligated to give you things.

Original poster
Bushybrenda1 · 24/11/2016 00:16

No they aren't.

But he's their brand new first born nephew, a card would have been nice!

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CherryChasingDotMuncher · 24/11/2016 00:23

Why is Sil responsible for a card? Why not both she and her partner equally?

Presumably because she is the blood relative which I think is fair enough.

OP it's so rude that you've done all that for their kids and you never even got a card! They're 50p FFS! Sadly you can't force people to be interested in your pregnancy or baby but you have a right to be pissed off. I think it's a lesson in lowering your expectations of them. Do you think baby will et a Christmas gift?

Original poster
Bushybrenda1 · 24/11/2016 00:31

I will lower expectations now and won't be putting myself or family out to help them in future. I love my nephews and future baby to be and will adore them when I'm in their company.
I hope he gets Included at Christmas, it would be cruel to leave him out.
This is the first time we've ever been pregnant together, maybe that's the issue?? Her baby won't be the only baby

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Original poster
Bushybrenda1 · 24/11/2016 00:32

That's what I keep thinking, what was it to buy a 50p card, hardly breaking the bloody bank!

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CherryChasingDotMuncher · 24/11/2016 00:35

I was gonna say has the fact you had your baby 'first' maybe rubbed her up the wrong way? People can be very strange like that when they feel their nose is being pushed out of joint

GreatFuckability · 24/11/2016 00:43

I don't buy cards for a number of reasons, they came to see you. I know your ds is massively important to you, but they have 2 kids and 3rd due soon, they might just be busy, disorganised, caught up in their own stuff, worried about the birth, worried about money etc etc.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/11/2016 01:27

A congratulations. Isn't he gorgeous costs nothing. Its just basic manners

judybloomno5 · 24/11/2016 03:14

Let her/them be a twunt doesn't mean you have to be one too.

Send a cheap gift and a card. Don't be the one in her baby book who didn't send a present- the twattishness is 100% her

judybloomno5 · 24/11/2016 03:14

Ps. I'm in a similar situation btw

876TaylorMade · 24/11/2016 05:10

Same situation from DH's brother and wife.

No card or phone call...only a gift that came 6 months later.

No phone call or card for birthday either

My BIL has an older daughter...every year religiously my DH sends her a gift and card....I think he was expecting the same courtesy.

But as I am petty... We'll see how the future goes.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 24/11/2016 07:18

I wouldn't even notice Tbh. Me choosing to have a baby does not place an automatic obligation on those around me to buy cards and gifts.

I do however realise my attitude towards cards and gifts in general is unusual in that I'd rather not bother with that whole nonsense of buying gifts because they are expected. I'd much rather buy things and gift them when I see something that I think is perfect for someone rather than hunt through mountains of crappy gift sets to find something vaguely suitable.

As for being hurt for your baby, your baby doesn't care. As long as a baby is warm and fed and loved by its parents, it's happy. Chances are the baby will never be aware of what gifts and cards were given and by who.

Oh, and I don't do cards. They are environmentally wasteful and pointless in that anything I want to say I'll do in person or by phone. Much more personal than a scribbled mass manufactured card.

MagicMarkers · 24/11/2016 07:29

I agree with Bewty. I rarely send cards and coming to visit is better than a card.

Do people really expect newborn cards and gifts from everyone they know and get frosty with their relatives when they don't get one? It's quite demanding and needy frankly.