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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

TO stop contacting people to see if they ever contact me.

59 replies

doyouwantamedalorsomething · 23/11/2016 19:54

A few things have happened recently that have made me realise there are a few people that never contact me. They always respond if I text them and are happy to meet but never suggest arrangements.

I've had a bit of a difficult time and it really highlighted when I wasn't making the effort who I would never speak to again.

Am I being petty? I feel like if someone hasn't heard from me for months and isn't bothered that I haven't texted them then maybe I don't want to make the effort anymore.

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 23/11/2016 21:16

Though with less close friends I've just let them slip away.

spacefrog35 · 23/11/2016 21:19

I have massive social anxiety (although most of my casual acquaintances would have no idea). If you stopped contacting me I would assume I had upset you and you didn't want to speak to me again. I wouldn't contact you as it would probably be inconvenient or you'd feel in someway obliged to speak/meet even though you didn't want to.

Some of your 'friends' are lazy but maybe one or two are like me & really appreciate you making the effort because they don't know how.

Sharptic · 23/11/2016 21:27

Ragwort, I hear you. I am an introvert and like my own company, so why do I feel pulled in so many directions!! It's not personal, although if I've agreed to go somewhere, I won't let u down and will be good company. I just won't initiate it because I like chilling at home, alone!

Matchingbluesocks · 23/11/2016 21:30

I think it depends if you're happy to live with the consequences. I mean if you don't contact them and they don't contact you... You won't have any friends. And that's shit

Rollonbedtime7pm · 23/11/2016 21:43

YANBU - I consider doing this too!

Other thing that stops me is that having no friends would be worse!

starchildareyoulistening · 23/11/2016 21:54

If you like them and you get on well when you do spend time together, I think letting the friendship go would be cutting your nose off to spite your face. If they're not great friends in other ways and you find that you don't really enjoy being with them as much as you used to then sure, let it drift.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/11/2016 22:01

I feel that sometimes you have to accept that some friends might be temporary and for a specific time. Other friends you might contact every 2-3 months, meet up twice a year and be friends for life, always pick up where you left off and just know. The trick is to spot the difference I guess.

Sherlock35 · 23/11/2016 22:25

An old friend did this to me once and

a) I didn't even realise and
b) The whole thing felt like she was trying to catch me out or trip me up or something.

If you're feeling neglected or want someone else to take the reins a bit, tell them. Talk to them about it. If they don't make the effort then, you know where you stand.

But, like other people have mentioned, sometimes people have a lot going on in their lives. It doesn't mean they love you any less. Just that they have a metric fuckton of their own shit to deal with too.

(I admit this is completely biased because of what happened to me)

User1987654 · 23/11/2016 23:15

I recently did that. So fed up with being the one who invites them out ( granted they will turn up but never invite me out)/ the one who thinks of them when I am planning to go somewhere, I know they would love, yet when they tell me they are going to a concert for example and I say I would love to go to see x performer/band, thought never crosses their mind to invite me along. I guess they all have their best friends and no amount of time, energy or generosity on my part will make me anything more than just an every now and then friend. I value myself and what I have to offer, so not making effort on people who don't appreciate it.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/11/2016 23:37

I do what suits me. So if l enjoy meeting up with them l don't care if lm the one always arranging stuff as it is a good experience for me. I don't even think about it.
Be careful as you may shoot yourself in the foot by dropping them and ending up with no one. But don't put yourself out with them. If it's going to be fun for you keep contacting them and don't bother totting up who rang who.

YouHadMeAtCake · 23/11/2016 23:44

YANBU. I am currently doing this. It's interesting

Yamadori · 24/11/2016 00:17

I had a friend like this - it was always me making the effort. I left it about a year once and didn't hear from her at all, so in the end I rang her up and she said "I thought friends were supposed to make more of an effort to keep in touch". Cheeky mare.

JorahsMissus · 24/11/2016 00:22

I did this and lost 2 friends. They used to be very good friends so I am still a little sad about it.

aurynne · 24/11/2016 00:50

Not everyone has the same needs of contact frequency. I am a person who is happy having contact every number of months. if a friend does not give signs of life I eventually contact them myself, but it will be a while until it happens. I am always there when someone needs me and asks for help. Others prefer a text or call every other day. There's nothing wrong with either type, both sides require a bit of tolerance. I would go bananas if I had to have a phone conversation with my friends every couple of days, I don't do small talk and would not know what to say.

Stanky · 24/11/2016 04:33

People just fuck you over in the end, and I like to try and keep them at a safe distance. But maybe that's just me and my "friends".

Ragwort · 24/11/2016 12:28

Not everyone has the same needs of contact frequency - totally agree with that, I see my closest friend maybe 3-4 times a year and we exchange emails perhaps once a month (we live quite a distance apart) - that is perfectly enough for me.

I lead a busy life with working, volunteering, my elderly parents, hobbies etc - I don't need a 'social' occasion every week. If I have a free evening I love staying at home with a good book . But I have people badgering me every week to meet up ......... surely they get the hint when I constantly say 'no thanks'.

Enidblyton1 · 24/11/2016 12:44

I guess some people are good at organising things/keeping in touch and others aren't - but it doesn't necessarily mean they love you any less.

I definitely have a few friends who haven't contacted me much as much as I contact them over the past few years (I have kids, they don't). But I also have friends who contact me more than I contact them.

One friend is the type who needs constant contact, so some years I see her a lot (when I have time) and other years I hardly see her at all - I can't give her the time and so she finds someone else to latch on to.

It's all swings and round-a-bouts. I think if you aren't that bothered about these people then definitely leave them to contact you. If you really like them, this experiment might backfire.

Rachel0Greep · 24/11/2016 13:06

I had similar with a now former friend. If I left things a while and then got in contact, she would make a comment about not hearing from me. I had to point out in black and white to her that it was just as easy for her to send a quick text or email to keep in touch and / or arrange to meet up every now and then. She did get it then when pointed out and made an effort after that.
I have lost contact with another friend simply because I stopped initiating contact and as a result, nada. In her case, I started to wonder if I was somehow imposing on her by texting / emailing, so I just let go.

I know, I get it, about anxiety / introversion etc, but I will say that I'm the last couple of years, in very adverse circumstances, I have found the absolute truth of a friend in need being a friend indeed. And I am grateful for those true friends, who have been there for me, and I have been and always will be there for them when things are tough for them.

OP, it's a tough one. Sometimes people need it spelt out that you would like them to be the ones making the effort some of the time in order to keep the friendship going. And as you mentioned having been through a bad time, those who were there for you, IMO are the true friends.

Rachel0Greep · 24/11/2016 13:07

...in the last couple of years...not I'm..

Clickclickclick · 24/11/2016 13:12

I'm a crap friend. 80% because I work so many hours, have two demanding children and a husband and I'm studying too. I just don't have much free time at all. I already feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with my family that friends don't get a look in that often.
If you cut contact with me, I'd be like space frog and think it was because I had offended you and I'd be too scared to piss you off more, or to make a fool of myself contacting someone who obviously can't stand me. Bloody social anxiety.

scaryclown · 24/11/2016 13:26

If you've trained them that you initiate, they might just think you are actively cutting them off.

If you are going to test them, tell thrm first.

You might find yourself incredibly sad if you olay this game, they get on with thejr lives thinking 'ooh thats weird' and never see them again.

It depends on their 'rules' I was in a group of friends. I thought our 'rules' were if someone wemt quiet or we hadnt seen them, we wkukd think 'shit what if something bad has happened' i was quite shocked when I heard one person saying 'i javent heard from x for a while she must have dumped us'

i know from experience that when someone goes quiet, something has happened. if something happens to you both...theres no point you both going 'i'll wat for her'

one of my friends got a job being famous when i was being quiet now i can't contact her because all public contact ia through her 'team' and i really miss her..

wesH · 24/11/2016 13:54

Not 'unreasonable' so much as a bit ill-thought out. What's the point in holding your friends to some imagined emotional ransom that they have no clue about? If you feel a friendship is one-sided and want to do something about it, discuss it maturely instead of playing these games with yourself that are only going to make you feel miserable if things don't go your way.

Owllady · 24/11/2016 13:58

I do think you find out who your friends are when you really NEED them. I was housebound for much of the last 13 months ish and I've certainly realised who mine are and tbh I don't have enough time to have fair weather friends.

Wesh, I love your name btw :o :Dudley:

toptoe · 24/11/2016 14:03

FB is not real life. It is what people want their life to appear to be.

EddieHitler · 24/11/2016 14:07

I did this. I sent all texts and emails first and they'd respond, but I felt like they didn't think of me and as I was feeling a bit down, so I thought I'd see if they'd contact me if I didn't contact them. They didn't.

We sent Christmas cards, etc, just no emails or texts. But one of them contacted me to say she was ill and it jolted me. I realised how petty I was being. It's not nice not to feel valued, but I was just spiting myself, they're good friends who I've known forever, so we're catching up now.

I know you're not cutting them off and you can still contact them any time, but I'd consider how much they mean to you before conducting this experiment. Hope you're feeling better soon.

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