To claim CSA but not let ex see DS?

[Frumpy1]

So I'm pregnant with my exes baby, we have now split & have agreed to no contact (not really agreed, it just ended really really badly)...due to his behaviour I was forced to contact the police who agreed that I should ensure no contact is made for mine & the baby's safety (ex was abusive).

However, they have also said that due to the situation, it may not be suitable for him to have contact or if he did for it to be supervised.

AIBU to go ahead & claim CSA when DS is born??

What bakewell said. If he takes you to court they will let him have access UNLESS there is proof he is a danger to the child. Be prepared I went through 3 years of court hell and about 4 grand lighter

Smacking a child is legal in the U.K. That would not be a reason for contact between being denied.
The threshold is very high i.e. Abuse either pysically and sexual of a child not a partner, even then contact centre access is quite possible.

Frumpy, dial it down a bit. You're heading down the hysterical route and some people will use that against you.

You don't need to actively pursue contact. You can leave the ball in his court and see what happens. Let him take you to court. Keep all evidence of abuse to back up why you believe contact should be limited.

He should still be paying maintenance, so go through the CMS as soon as the baby is born.

not everybody finds breast feeding easy and for them or baby

You would need a lot of evidence to prove that he shouldn't even be allowed supervised contact. You should prepare yourself for this.

Op you are clearly still very emotionally invested in your ex, and that may be clouding your judgement. Have you thought about counseling for yourself?

If you seek maintenance, and deny him access, he will quite likely be unhappy with the situation, and may well pursue you for access. You need to think carefully about your options.

Go your own way and be financially independent if you can. Nothing beats the feeling of managing on your own despite it all and not being beholden
to an abusive ex for money.

the courts can order contact, breastfeeding or not. whether he will pursue it or not is another thing. and also, if you can prove he is dangerous to the child another again, but for your own sake you need to work with, not against the courts as they don't kindly to obstructive parents.

Do you work OP? Are you able to support the baby and yourself without any financial input from the baby's father?

OP - Legally EX is required to pay maintenance. When my Ex stopped contact I didn't pursue maintenance as I didn't want him to think it gave him a right to see DS..When he called me to mediation I went through CSA as I only didn't for fear he would get in touch...I think you need to weigh that up..

I think what people are trying to say is that if Ex decides to go for contact no matter what the police say unless the courts or SS decide its not safe then he is likely to get at least supervised.

As he hasn't actually harmed a child yet he would likely get that.

In your situation I would think would do what is least likely to make him want contact.

It's disgusting that you need to document proof. Many of these abusive men know what to say and when.

My ex "joked" about sexually abusing his own daughter. I'm worried that he might take me to court to gain access yet I have no proof of what he said in any documentary form but words said. He doesn't bother with her anyway but I know he would take me to court as another way to punish me.

OP claim CSA and keep your baby away from the scum bag.

How interested in the child is he, and how much follow through does he have? Plenty of crappy fathers make noise about their rights to see their child and evil mum keeping them away, without actually doing anything productive about it.

Is he likely to be this sort?

Having been in a very difficult situation with my sons father, if I could do it all again I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate. You can't ever be certain how this will play out in court or with social services, they may decide that just because he's been violent towards you, he won't be to your child. They may also decide that it's always in the best interests of your child to have contact with both parents. Some supervised contact may lead to lots of unsupervised contact. I'd suggest being very careful here. Good luck with it all and happy the rest of your pregnancy

You can't just decide he's not seeing him I don't think

That depends on the person in question really and how they'd react.

Ex has no contact with my DD, OP, but I do get maintenance. As Amorak says though, you need to dial it back a bit. You won't achieve that by getting hysterical with anyone. External services don't automatically get involved with these things. Make it clear that you do expect him to pay maintenance for his child. Then set terms should he want to pursue contact. You need to make sure those terms are reasonable enough to not make you look bad if it does get to court. You might say that you'd like to see evidence that he's attending to his anger management skills, that you'd want to discuss any contact in mediation and that any contact he did get needed to be supervised in a contact centre for X amount of time. If he doesn't do it your reasonable way, his next stop is court. If he's as selfish as you say he is, he may well not see all these hoops he has to jump through (costing him both money and effort) as being worth it. If he jumps those hoops though, it may give you enough reason to reconsider anyway.

Last time I saw my ex he screamed at me to tell him when the baby was here.

I feel that if I don't bother to let him know & he does indeed go to court, they could see it as because I didn't bother telling him baby was here, that i was obstructing access!

I'm just scared he'll mess with our DS sons head! By telling him negative things about me when they are together & also by not showing up when he says he will. I don't want him doing to his child, what his dad did to him.

YANBU at all. Money and contact aren't related. He helped make the baby so he should help pay for it. Men don't just get to spread their seed and then not take responsibility for the end result.

So, you're only just pregnant??

I'd be tempted to let him know the pregnancy didn't work out - and then run a bloody mile.

I wouldn't be giving him the chance of even knowing. I know it's wrong and a lot with disagree with me, but you involve him (financially and by keeping him informed etc) you do run the risk of the next 18 years of him dictating your life and happiness.

My DD turns 7 months tomorrow. My ex hasn't seen her and I haven't hear from him in almost a year.

There's no way in hell I'm taking money from him. He decided not to be involved so I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that even though he wasn't there physically, he's still supporting his child.

My advice would be a clean break. It'll be hard but so worth it.

I'm just so confused! He's told me so much over the last 20 weeks...."il turn up at the hospital around the due date"
"Il turn up at your house to see him"
"I want to be at the birth"
"I want to be at the scans"
"I won't take you to court as I don't want to pay for it"
"If you claim CSA, il leave my job"

He's done nothing but fuck with my head, filled me with absolute shit.

He's hit me but made me feel guilty "for going over the top"

He grabbed my leg & made me cry because I felt again I reacted too badly.

I've spent 8 months crying because he's made me feel stupid, OTT or just made out it's all my fault.

I don't know if I'm coming or going right now, I feel so lost and I'm crying over everything!!

YANBU...... You are legally allowed to claim for CS, and he, as the father is allowed to pursue contact.

Does he know the scan dates...If so change them, block contact..

Talk to your MW about this stuff. They will have your notes marked to not allow him on labour ward and post natal ward.

Really focus on sorting yourself out..Get yourself into a good place to care for your DC.

Any abuse report to the police..

Be aware anything he said is about him getting what he wants not reality so discuss nothing with him..

He certainly has no rights till baby is born so ignore.

He knew when scan was which was today, he knows when next app is however he's just messing with me & I can't take it!
Why do we have to live in a world with people like him??
I suffered with my ex wife enough, I don't need this too!

OP are you still in some sort of contact with him? If so I would seek help from Woman's Aid to try and cut contact in a safe and secure way for yourself and child. Let him go to court if he wishes to see his kid, he will probably be given supervised contact but he sounds like the sort of person who after a few sessions will start to become unreliable at turning up.

You're entitled to claim CSA but honestly you have more chance of getting blood out of a stone than getting money out of a person like this. So you have to consider whether at this moment in time if trying to get child maintenance is the right thing for you.

Regarding him poisoning your kids mind, when a child grows up most of the time they begin to realise things for themselves. Actions speak louder than words, your ex can slag you off to the moon and back but if he acts like a twat and talks like a twat it's pretty noticeable to everyone that he's a twat.

Contact Women's Aid,they will be able to advise you. I don't men should get away with not paying for their kids,but in some cases it's better and safer for both mum and baby to deny paternity,not put him on the bc,no CSA,in some cases even move away and cut all contact.

You sound very frightened op. The hospital will not let anybody on the ward or labour suite that you don't want there. I can't speak for access etc because I simply don't know.