To think partner is a selfish arse?

[Revans93]

This really is just the tip of the iceberg, but every single morning I get up to get the children out of their cots. He never does, even though he doesn't work so there's no reason for it. Anyway, this morning I just kept falling back asleep. Apparently (I don't remember as I was half asleep), he kept asking if i wanted him to get them up, and i kept saying no i'll do it. Eventually he got up in a big mood and got them up, then went back to bed. Now, obviously i should have just said yes to him getting them up, but i was probably still in a bit of a dream at that point, but what really annoys me is that he didn't just think to get them up anyway, without having to point out the fact that he was doing it. It's not like every single morning i hear the kids wake up, then wake him up to ask him if i should get them up! Just show some initiative ffs! He's still in bed now while i'm up with the children, and just to show me how angry he was, he said "don't bother making me a coffee this morning"...err, yeah, ok...what a loss for me.

But, as I said, this is the tip of the iceberg, so maybe i'm reacting more angrily to this than is reasonable - what do you all think?

It's not goady to disagree with you Jen

Sorry confused... he got the children up and then went back to bed. Not sure what he did here, he let them out of their cots? How old are DC?
Assuming the he got them up, washed and dressed? Got them out of cots and gave them breakfast? Did something with them until you were up?

I think you need to have another sit down, gentle chat with him. Yes he's being a lazy arse, yes he's in the wrong. But after having cancer and now struggling with depression having a go at him or questioning why he can't pull his weight isn't helpful. I'd suggest it from another point, tell him how exhausted you are, how it's all got a bit much for you... appeal to his sympathy and be honest but don't lay blame. You have both been though a lot. Ask him what he thinks you should do, if he doesn't suggest helping out, then ask if there is anything he can do to help with the kids or house so you could have a bit of down time, a lie in once or twice a week (as a start)... some people just don't see these things (my partner being one of them). It's easy for these sorts to get so wound up in their own issues they don't even comprehend that you might be tired/struggling too.

If you do all that, and he doesn't act bothered, and he's not bringing in any finances or doing anything to help, what is he actually bringing to the relationship?

LagunaBubbles

yeah it's fair enough, he was never responsible and he never was up to hard work, but then again I only became responsible once I had our first child. I do see their point though, men like that rarely change, so i don't know what i'm hoping for.

It is pointless to say he was probably lazy etc before you choose to have DC. The DC are already here she can hardly go back and change that now so what are you suggesting? That she's foolish and needs to just suck it up?
It'seems unnecessary and unkind.

Where would you suggest Navy ? Ano open public forum perhaps?

I've had depression. It's a nasty bastard. Sometimes your thoughts aren't your own. I look back now and realise how utterly selfish I was being without intending to be. But there were times I used "I'm depressed" as a get out clause for avoiding things I should have been doing. It will forever be a source of deep guilt how my depression affected my children. I wasn't fully there for them and it has had an impact.

Your partner has two choices. He either needs to accept his depression as the illness it is and source treatment or if he wants to wallow in it he needs to lessen the impact that has on his family and remove himself from their home.

Fwiw the thing that had the biggest impact on my recovery was going back to work. I can't stress that enough.

Wish i knew how to reply properly on here...

Lemon12345, no he got them out of their cots, brought them in to me, and i got up with them and made their breakfast and everything. He's still in bed now. I know the cancer has been awful for him, and depression is the root of so many of these problems, but i just can't get him to the point where he's willing to try. I've told him how exhausted and sad i've become, how i'm on the verge of collapse, but then he just fires back with things he sees as instances of me being in the wrong. He never ever accepts that i'm right on anything, he never says he understands how i feel or how any of this has been hard for me too, he just finds a way to start having a go at me. We have so much resentment we're drowning in it.

That isn't to say that returning to work was a walk in the park. It wasn't. It took lots of deep breaths, counting to ten and psyching myself up. A couple of times I've been extremely close to packing it in again. But it really is worth it for the mental health benefits alone IMO

If you had said that before his illness he was caring and acted like an equal partner in your relationship, I'd say give it another try as regards help for his depression. However, despite what must have been a terrible time for both of you, he's shown you who he is, illness or no illness.

It's not about being tidy, or lazy, or too busy. It's about how he views you as another person separate to him. It's about respect, love, care, all that business. For whatever reason, he sees all the work as wife work, so your work. He doesn't care if it makes you tired, or stressed, or upset or angry. The main thing is that he doesn't care.

A father in a relationship isn't "helping" out. Do you consider yourself helping out when you cook, shop, clean, wash, iron, bathe, feed etc ? No, but he does, cause he thinks he's more important than the work/you and he cares more about himself.

You've tried to help him, and yourselves as a couple. He's not interested. So, you can choose to stay and be unhappy with unhappy kids. Or, you can cut him free to stand on his own two feet, and make a new life where you don't seethe with resentment every day. And he will cope emotionally. He's strong enough to stand up to you, to do exactly as he pleases, to treat his children's mum like a skivvy. And if he doesn't cope, who's fault is that - not yours. If you stay like this I doubt you'll cope emotionally much longer.

TBH OP I'd be ending the relationship at least temporarily until he was in a place to actually recognise his behaviours and want to change them. Currently he doesn't. He may never want to. But you can change what you accept.

OP I apologise if my replies to Jen have gotten in the way. You have had lots of advice and I hope you find it helpful. Best of luck

JenLindleyShitMom and nicenewdusters you're both right, somethings got to change and it's not going to change as long as he'd got me here doing all the stuff he doesn't want to do. He won't ever work, i've tried to get him to do some things to make himself feel better, like just going for a walk, but he won't leave the house unless it's absolutely necessary. It was pretty much always like this, though.

You need to stop facilitating his laziness and either kick him out or leave.

And for the love of God, all the young ladies out there, these lazy men will not change, marriage or kids won't change them. Think wisely before getting upduffed by someone who thinks working for a living is a choice.

Ask him: If his cancer is gone why isn't he working, or looking for work? Why isn't he training or improving his education? Why isn't he doing any voluntary work?

He should have a list of jobs that are his responsibility. My DH and I share jobs, but I do laundry and food shopping and he does the wheelie bins and recycling, and clears up the doggy-doo.

Ask him which jobs he would like and how long he feels it would take him to complete them.

It was pretty much always like this though

That's the answer for you really, isn't it ? So him pinning any excuse for his behaviour on his illness is really just that, an excuse.

You met, had kids, hoped he'd change, he won't. It's heart breaking, but it is what it is. You can change though, and you will survive without him, and be happier. What he does with his life is his choice. I know that sounds harsh, but he's behaving appallingly towards you. If you were my daughter I'd rather you weren't with him.

My sister has one like this, including the depression and recovery from cancer. She works full time, cares for their child, looks after the bills, household and bends over backwards to keep him happy and make it work. And all the while I see the person she was slowly chip away.

Lately, she's making a stand though. She's been to counselling to help her as it all got too much and she gave him an ultimatum and meant it. He now goes to counselling twice a month, does volunteer work etc whilst looking for a job however I would say that she still does 80% of it still and if he could get away with doing as little as possible, he would.

Here's the thing and what I told her. There's young children here who need you. It's exhausting enough looking after children and running a house, but even more when you're basically also looking after a man child and seething with resentment which takes an emotional toil. You need to look after you and if that means either him actually addressing his illness or kicking him out for a while to give you head space, then that's what you need to do. It's not fair on you or your children.

Has he never worked OP? Were you supporting him throughout your relationship? What about when you were on maternity leave?

Jen - he never worked, he signed on after i had the first child, but quit that when it got to the point where he would have had to actually get a job. Then i signed on instead, found a job, but had to quit after a week because he couldn't cope looking after our kid. Then i got pregnant again, went on income support, then when that stopped i signed on again, found a job, he agreed to look after the kids while i did the job, but then he decided he wouldn't be able to cope, so i had to decline the offer. For a while recently we thought we were going to be part of the benefit cap (turns out we're not afterall), and i'd have to start working in january, and i was so stressed over it, and trying to plan how we were going to handle it, but he refused to discuss it with me, and got annoyed if i even tried to talk about it. Oh, and he says i didn't support him when he had cancer because when he woke me up in the middle of the night to talk about how he felt, i fell back asleep (nevermind that i always encouraged him to open up to me during the day, but he wouldn't). I told him that's because i was so exhausted from my workload and that i couldn't help it, but he said i couldn't have been that tired because his mum would sometimes take one of the children out for a bit.

OP. If you made a list of why you would stay with him, is there anything on it? He sounds like the definition of a loser, and he's taking you down with him.

So do you go out to work, OP? I'm a bit confused here.

I would have no patience for this man. OP, you were there for him when he was sick. He has no desire to treat his depression. If you asked him to leave, this may force him to re-assess his life.

It sounds like he is a third child for you.