To think partner is a selfish arse?

[Revans93]

This really is just the tip of the iceberg, but every single morning I get up to get the children out of their cots. He never does, even though he doesn't work so there's no reason for it. Anyway, this morning I just kept falling back asleep. Apparently (I don't remember as I was half asleep), he kept asking if i wanted him to get them up, and i kept saying no i'll do it. Eventually he got up in a big mood and got them up, then went back to bed. Now, obviously i should have just said yes to him getting them up, but i was probably still in a bit of a dream at that point, but what really annoys me is that he didn't just think to get them up anyway, without having to point out the fact that he was doing it. It's not like every single morning i hear the kids wake up, then wake him up to ask him if i should get them up! Just show some initiative ffs! He's still in bed now while i'm up with the children, and just to show me how angry he was, he said "don't bother making me a coffee this morning"...err, yeah, ok...what a loss for me.

But, as I said, this is the tip of the iceberg, so maybe i'm reacting more angrily to this than is reasonable - what do you all think?

[maldini]

One of you needs to get a job, one of you needs to stay at home with the children if you cannot afford the childcare that's perfectly fine. I would love me and my husband to stay at home all day lazing around but we're adults and aren't going to rely on everyone else to do the work for us. So... leave, how can you live with someone like that. Stop having children with him. Stop encouraging him. You need to own your own choices and now rectify them.

[Revans93]

Thankyou everyone for your responses, i am reading them and they're really helping me go towards making the decision i know is best - i'll have more time to reply later, i've had to pretend i'm constipated so i can come into the toilet and log on to this thread!

[Atenco]

Don't stay together for the children, OP, there is no benefit for your children in that. My father emigrated when I was four and my brother and sister were a lot older. The oldest was quite damaged, the second not as much and I was fine. I mean, the older your children are when you separate, the harder it will be for them and do you really want this life for the rest of time?

[Allthewaves]

I cannot believe you gave up work because he WOULDN'T look after his own dc - no bloody couldn't in it, hes a grown man.

You have facilitated him in every way. He won't work, he won't look after the kids, what good is he actually bringing to your life.

[NoMudNoLotus]

People accept so much selfishness and manipulation in the name of depression.

I'm a mental health nurse - I know how devasting depression can be - but it is never justification for absolving responsibility or being thoughtless.

People have choices - your DP chooses to behave unpleasantly - what will your choice be OP?

You cannot be responsible for his feelings or behaviour OP - if you left he would have to decide whether to cope , or not. Whatever action he took - you would not be to blame.

[nicenewdusters]

I've read about some pretty horrendous men on here, but the more you post about him he's up there in the top 10 OP.

It's good you were able to raise some issues with him. But really, are you any further forward. What actually is the point of this man ? He's capable of having sex to produce children, sleeping, being waited on hand and foot....have I missed anything?

As opposed to staying together for the sake of your children I think you should go your separate ways for their sake. Imagine how they'll reflect on their lives when they're older. A dad who never worked because he was too lazy. A mum who wanted to but couldn't because not only was he work shy, he wouldn't look after his own children. An exhausted mum who did everything, and a dad who moaned about the tinniest thing he had to do. Also, a terrible atmosphere in the house because mum was so tired, angry and resentful, and dad was so miserable, intolerant and uncaring. Plus of course they'll learn women should do everything related to caring for a family.

[Memoires]

You're scared he won't cope without you? Of course he will, he'll just guilt trip you. Tell him if he won't help hmself, no one else can so as he won't you want him to leave.

And if he leaves, he'll just find some other woman who'll work herself into the ground around him and sponge off her. There are thousands out there for him to choose from, you're just the unlucky one right now. Only you can change that.

[SouthWindsWesterly]

He's said he'll do the things, but he won't be happy about it and I can't expect anything more of him.

Okay. So a whiney tantruming man-child.

Sorry OP - if he's unwilling to change then you need to make the changes. My sisters eldest started to copy his dad in action and phrases. That was the catalyst for her. Is this the example you want for your children? Because unless he really does give the chore sharing and parenting a go, the resentment will start to eat away at you.

[YelloDraw]

We spoke about splitting up, and we said that we don't want that to happen for the children's sake

No... Let me fix that for you. He doesn't want to split up because then he will have to look after the children sometimes on his own, and will have to look after his own home.

You don't want to split up because you are scared of being on your own and think a shit relationship where you are a skivvy to someone who doesn't seem to even like you, is better than no man.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

He's said he'll do the things, but he won't be happy about it and I can't expect anything more of him.

Re read this line over and over to yourself until what he is telling you actually sinks in. Say it out loud to yourself. This is it. This is his standard he is setting. This is what you an expect from him for the next 17/18 years. Are you happy about that? Does it give you butterflies in your tummy when you think of the years of sulking he will inflict on you for daring to ask him to look after his child? Do you think maybe you'll just not ask anymore because it isn't worth the backlash?

[RhiWrites]

He's a selfish arse. He has children but doesn't want to do any of the work of caring for them. He wants to eat food but not prepare it or clean it up, wear clothes but not wash them, the list goes on.

Lazy bugger. Be warned that you'll be teaching your children that men only do household jobs under protest and housework is really women's work.

[Revans93]

Sorry, couldn't log on to reply to anyone for some reason. Everyone's probably moved on now anyway.

We spoke again tonight, and at the moment we've reached a sort of agreement that we're going to make a list of chores we're each going to do, but he's pretty pissed off. He was saying that I just want everything my way, and for him to just do everything I say. He's said he'll do the things, but he won't be happy about it and I can't expect anything more of him. We spoke about splitting up, and we said that we don't want that to happen for the children's sake (they're 3 and 18 months, by the way Zippidydoodah, if you're reading this), but I don't know if this situation is going to be bearable. I'm wondering if i'm wrong in any of this, like maybe i'm being unreasonable...but then again, i'm just wanting equality, surely that's ok?? Errrgghhh, I just don't know any more.

[Zippidydoodah]

Oops, how old are your children, not how old are you!!

[Zippidydoodah]

Oh dear god, you poor thing. So both of you just hang out at home all day, with two little children (how old are you?)

The very thought of that makes me shudder. I suffer from depression too, and am happy when I have structure to my life. You have none, by the sounds of it!

I agree with everyone who has said leave him, get help with childcare, and do something for yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but you can't carry on like this!

[LagunaBubbles]

How to encourage women to confide in other people and look for help with their relationship: when they do, make sure you lead with how they should have realised that their partners were rubbish before they had children with them

Its not about that at all, its about identifying patterns in relationships, patterns of emotions that people bring to relationships from the past, patterns of attachments, sometimes that people themselves arent even aware of and stopping them, and yes this sometimes does include people having children with irresponsible, selfish, lazy, abusive etc men - and going on to have more children with the same type of men. Otherwise it can be a vicious circle, which is no good for the woman, existing children and any potential future children.

[Atenco]

You're getting absolutely nothing out of this relationship. Actually, you're getting less than nothing- all he's doing is causing you additional stress, worry and an awful atmosphere

This

He is deadweight.

And I don't know if lazy men never change, I like to think anyone can change but it has to come from that person. Depression is horrible, but he has no sympathy from me as he is refusing to seek any treatment and is using it as an excuse to carry on with his self-indulgent and totally negative lifestyle.

[ohfourfoxache]

You're getting absolutely nothing out of this relationship. Actually, you're getting less than nothing- all he's doing is causing you additional stress, worry and an awful atmosphere.

You know what you need to do. All you need is the courage and feeling of self worth to do it

[Bananalanacake]

Has AnyFucker been on yet with her straight talking common sense?

[CocktailQueen]

I think the depression and cancer are red herrings. He's always been a lazy, workshy, unsupportive tosser.

Sorry, OP, but from what you've said, it doesn't sound like there's much for YOU in this relationship. What do you get out of it but a third child to look after?

He won't change if he's always been like this. He's not prepared to engage with or or talk to you. Fuck that.

Time for him to leave.

[WouldHave]

Are you getting anything at all out of this relationship that makes all the crap in any way worth it?

[Lemon12345]

So he doesn't and wont work. You have tried but he can't manage the kids, so have had to quit.

This is one thing I don't get about the government and benefits. In the eyes of the benefit office you are 2 healthy (since his cancer is in remission and his depression is undiagnosed) adults, with 2 children who 'do nothing all day'. Anyway my views aside.

He's not going to change, he's never worked and manages to live life how he likes it so why would he want to do any better... there is no need.
If you want a better life, then leave him. Do it for your kids, and for you! He is a crap rolemodel for his children and you 'allowing' it and doing everything for your kids and around the house isn't going to change that. You need to show your kids they can work for a better life. Get out, get the benefits for being a single parents, with the help to pay nursery fees and start education/training/working to get a decent job to support yourself and your kids (like you were trying to do anyway).

[gamerchick]

While people are away sharpening their pointy sticks to thrash you with for having babies with no way of supporting them. Just warning you'

OP you know you have no future with this person. Please make sure you don't get pregnant again. He's never going to be the person you want. My ex was similar and he's still a loser at 43.. No job nor interest of getting one and doesn't see why he should pay child support.

I'm happy with a hard working man, job myself and a nice life with my kids. This doesn't have to be your life for ever.

[Bananalanacake]

So he's never worked all the time you have been with him? from your opening post I thought he was the SAHP while you worked but it seems not if you have to do everything. Sorry, but I think he's lazy. I wouldn't even talk to a man who doesn't work, let alone go on a date with one.

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

I would have no patience for this man. OP, you were there for him when he was sick. He has no desire to treat his depression. If you asked him to leave, this may force him to re-assess his life.

It sounds like he is a third child for you.