To be dreading MIL's Christmas Visit?

[reallybadidea]

No entertaining tales of outrageously offensive behaviour I'm afraid, I just find her visits very hard work. She doesn't really 'do' small talk, or indeed any talk at all. She literally just sits there and watches what is going on and any attempts at conversation from us are met with barely any response. She doesn't appear to have any interest in the children and doesn't talk to them either. It makes for an incredibly awkward and frankly miserable atmosphere. To give an idea of what her level of social exchanges are like, she phoned the house phone on Sunday, I answered and literally all she said to me when I answered was 'Is 'e there?' which translates as 'can I speak to my son?'

I don't think she means to be rude but I am so sick of it after 17 years of being married to DH that I'm not sure how I can face potentially another 20+ years of visits like this (she's only 60!). We are kind and hospitable to her and DH says she enjoys her visits, but it is just such hard work having a visitor who makes no attempt at social interactions.

Does anybody else have a relative like this and how do you cope?!

I like chopstick's idea. How old are your DCs, could she do puzzles wih them? Could you get her a big book of sudokus or crosswords so even though she's sitting in silence she's actually sound something? When she's not with you does she just watch tv all the time? I'd be inclined to stick that on although my MIL talks non-stop (same old stories every time). Want to swap?

Chill out and play games, with the very talkative one its bingo. With quiet one make bets on how long before she speaks. My mil repeats same stories so the bingo one is my fave.

This reminds me of the Father Ted episode where Father Stone comes to visit and conversation is a struggle

She might be quite content sitting there silently. Not everyone likes to chat, and yes it can be uncomfortable for other people but that's what families are, the old saying that you can choose your friends but not your family might be one to bear in mind. Both you and her are doing your best to get along civilly for the sake of the family and tbh sounds like you are both doing a pretty good job - things are civil!

Definitely watch entertaining father stone!

YY Father Stone - but in the end it's bittersweet because they find his calendar and turns out he crosses off each day until his visit that he really enjoys, albeit silently

If she's happy sitting quietly and watching why not let her sit and watch? Just offer occasional refreshment.

MIL and England football manager...the impossible job.

I would have loved for my mil to be like that! At least yours doesn't try to undermine everything you do! Mine was constantly behind my back and boy, did she talk! Always some sneaky comments at the ready...In your case, I would adopt the same attitude towards her. If she can't be bothered, why should you? However it might just be that she is not very good at showing emotion. My mum is like that (between the mil and mum, I'm a lucky girl!!). She doesn't look like she cares, but she does!

I think the small talky, charming, asking-personal-questions culture of socialising hasn't been learnt by everyone and people who don't or can't do it aren't necessarily being rude

This.
Also, the "Is 'e there?" made me smile, as it reminds me of my pithy
Yorkshire parents (long since died). Some people, I think, enjoy sitting in the bustle of a family, watching the world go by, as it were. Just happy being there, and absolutely not expecting to be entertained every minute.
Or she might be depressed.
I would just be very kind to her, and don't feel that you have to force conversation. It might pay dividends.

to me, rude is things like "this food is nasty" "you aren't looking very nice today" etc

^^ this is my MIL (I wish I was exaggerating.)

What you describe is not uncommon amongst older people, OP - I think we've all encountered Father Stone. Yes to jigsaws, board games and Christmas films.

Some good ideas on here from the kinder posters. Poor woman doesn't sound particularly rude just socially inept and lacking in some of the nicer skills.

Maybe she feels awkward not being in her own home, some people just don't feel comfortable in those kind of situations. Perhaps she feels she's intruding, it can't be great knowing that your DC are having to take turns having you each year no matter how welcome you make her feel.

Your say she's only 60 but it can be a funny sort of age. Is she a very old sort of 60? From your description I'm guessing she is.

I too wonder if she's depressed.

Sorry for my Father Ted comment... To tell the truth I'm just as socially awkward as your MIL if not worse!

More useful advice is have some rubbish TV on, ply with food and drink, maybe a walk if you can? When I run out of chat at my in laws I flick through the hardback books they've left on the coffee table, e.g nature/wildlife books such as the Blue Planet, or books about countries they've visited, flick through the Radio Times etc.. We also end up playing word games or pictionary or such like. The jigsaw puzzle is a great idea.

You would be moaning if she never shut up, interfered and got in the way.
Just accept she likes to be quiet.
I assume you have tried chatting to her or getting her to join in something? Ask her what she would like to do?
We would just leave her to it if she was our relative. It could be worse.

thanks for this thread. we have MILES from Christmas eve to 5th January this year. she's lovely but she never stops talking mainly about things that happened many years before I was born and people I've never met. then she will repeat her day in day out telling the same stories.

Dd has already been told her holiday project over Christmas is to finf out about evacuees so she's planning to interview her as she was 10 and moved to a tiny village somewhere in Wales.

I shall add jigsaws to my shopping list, inspect the TV rota and invite my 86 year old neighbour over for afternoon tea at some point..... they were both bought up in this area and later joined the WRNS. Surely they can find SOMETHING to discuss!

Also, does your MIL live on her own? I sometimes find people who live alone and don't have very active social lives kind of get out of the habit of talking and it doesn't seem strange to them to sit in silence.
I suppose the issues are 1 is she content with this and if not, what can you do about it? And 2 how can you make sure it doesn't wind you up too much?
I'd probably just keep her supplied with tea and biscuits and maybe ask her to help out in the kitchen if she seems like she wants to be doing something. Would she be happier going for walks?
I have a friend who gets very depressed and sometimes she just likes to be around other people and not say anything. It took some getting used to, but she's not harming anyone and it helps her a little bit.
Are you close enough to your MIL to ask her outright if she would like to you to involve her more or do you think it would offend her and make things more difficult?

I have a FIL like this. Not remotely interested in our children, us etc. Has no conversation, manages to give one word answers regardless of the question etc. Like you, there's no real drama/incidents, it's just hard work.

After a very painful fortnight stay from him, we concluded the best way to deal with him is just to pretty much carry on as usual. Tell him that's our plan for the day, invite him and if he comes great and if not fine.

Tedious, but gets you through. Plus wine 😀

Would you like to do a swap? My MIL talks non stop, usually about TV shows and celebrities that I have no interest in. Her heart is in the right place but I do find the constant chatter really hard work. I find drinking helps when she visits!

My dad's like this (he's possibly autistic like me but not diagnosed) - comes over on Christmas Day and sits there waiting for his lunch to appear, barely says a word & if he does it's not related to the conversation we were having
My mum will make conversation, frequently about stuff that I don't know and don't care about but I'm polite and make the effort because it's Christmas and the right thing to do (I do try occasionally to be the semi-perfect daughter). Me, I look forward to when they go home and I can unwind and start really enjoying Christmas without having to be someone I'm not
Your MIL is probably quite content just sitting and listening. We can't all be the life and soul of the party.

Thanks for all the replies - it is good to know I'm not the only one struggling with relatives! Those who offered to swap - I might just take you up on it! I was chatting to a friend the other day who's similarly dreading having her sister's MIL (impressive familial devotion there) because she is very outspoken and winds her DH up so that they end up bickering. I dream of having relatives that interesting

I think those people who said that she is probably happy just sitting and watching what is going on are likely right. DH says she enjoys herself and she always seems keen to visit so I think the best thing is to try and just get on with whatever we want or need to do and don't stress about 'entertaining' her. Jigsaw is a genius idea and I like a game of bingo myself so will try that too.

She probably is depressed, certainly she has very little going on in her life apart from work and her children/grandchildren. I don't think she has many (or any) friends, my FIL left her for another woman just before DH and I got married and I don't think she has ever got over it. I actually feel deeply sorry for her and as frustrating and difficult as I find her, I wouldn't dream of stopping her coming.

I do think there is more to it than depression though because most of the family are like it to a certain extent. When ds1 was born MIL, FIL and DH's three younger siblings all came to visit together when I got out of hospital as we live a few hours away. After a hold of the baby each (they didn't have much to say about him) we all sat there pretty much in silence. For 7 hours It was horrendous. I think that basically they just couldn't work out how to politely make their excuses and leave, or maybe they just didn't mind sitting there looking at each other. In the end I cracked and told DH to get rid of them or I would go myself and he had to actually ask them to go home. Weird. DH says that when he was growing up at home nobody really chatted and they only spoke to each other if there was a specific reason to.

All very alien to me, but it takes all sorts I suppose!

Still and quiet is different from what is being described in the OP, I think. I certainly don't object to 'still and quiet'. In fact, I do it myself a lot of the time.

We have the complete opposite problem, be thankful for small mercies.

I answered was 'Is 'e there?' which translates as 'can I speak to my son?'

So a regional accent offends you in some way?

Why did you need to emphasis the 'e in a patronising way?
You sound quite snobby.

The answer to is "is e there" is "yes" and then nothing else. Speak to her as she speaks to you and it may make her realize that in order to be fully understood one needs to speak in a complete sentence. It may well be that MIL is a quiet person or out of the habit of speaking but to make no effort at all is just plain bad manners. I have a FIL similar to this, absolute minimum of conversation at all times, and it's blinking hard work! I too am very quiet by nature but recognize that a few "hello, how are yous?, how's xyz..." are the way humans politely interact. I understand that for the entire duration she is with you full on every day conversation may not be her thing (it's not mine) but there is a difference between a companionably silence and just plain silence! The jigsaw idea is true genius and I shall adopt it myself (to take the place of the sodding tv which they want on all the time)

The most animated conversations I had at my French in laws were
I think this bread has been frozen
What is your favourite ball-point
I found it hard to get involved so probably would be considered difficult.
I was just happy to be being fed & entertained.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your last post OP. So long as she is content, I would let things be. Personally, I would find the overly chatty types described by pp harder going.

I would keep on with your normal stuff and let her be, if I were you.