Partners doing housework

[TheDollyLlama]

So ladies, is there a house training class you've signed your men up to that I missed?

My partner is lovely, but is clueless around the house! I'm 26 and he's 24. We've been together 3 years in March and our little one will be 2 the week before (I know, we didn't hang around!) we moved in together within the first 7 months of our relationship and I learnt to do everything (washing, ironing etc) as I'd lived with my mum who did everything, same with him. I suppose because of this, at least I never had any expectations before hand.

Now I think we generate invisible mess! I could leave the house for a week, overflowing washing baskets, crumbs on floor, washing up piling up and he doesn't think there's a problem! He works 4 long days and I work 3 but the responsibility falls on me. Because he's dyslexic dyspraxia he says he has memory problems and can't remember my instructions and when I made him do a wash load he shrunk my brand new shirt, so that was that!

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to do more? Are your partners quite happy to do their share or do you just think it's easier to do yourself? This is the only thing we (rarely) argue about so he's great in every other way!

I've never understood the idea that some people have that if you're born with a vagina you are suddenly really good and housework and really enjoy it. You don't need to train him, you need to say to him "you are an adult human being who lives in a house that requires upkeep, such upkeep does not happen by magic." You both work, why should the burden fall on you?

Can he drive a car? Can he use a cash machine?

If he can, there's a good chances he's capable of directing a Hoover or sweeping brush around.

Don't kid yourself.
He KNOWS that the house needs to be cleaned, he just thinks it's your job.

Read Wifework. I bet you're expected to sort birthday and Christmas gifts for his family too.

It's not your responsibility to 'train' him, he should have a bit of respect for you and your dd.

It's not actually OP's job to write him a list, set him some tasks, and pat him on the head for being a good boy. She isn't the household manager. She doesn't stand with the job list for the day and allocate tasks. She is as adult as he is, she is as fully cooked as he is, she entered into the relationship as an equal not a mentor or a manager or a parent. It's up to him to look around his own home and realise what needs done just the same as OP does. It's up to him to realise clothes will be required for tomorrow or clean dishes or meals planned. If his parents didn't set him up right for adulthood then that's shit but it's not up to OP to take over that role. That's his job as an adult, he has to fill whatever gaps in his knowledge he has just like OP did, just like we all do when we move out on our own.

OP's job is to raise her child and ensure her partner respects her and let him know when he is being disrespectful.

She gets to say "you've pissed on the floor, you'll need to clean that" she doesn't have to sit down and write him a step by step list of how to spot his piss on the floor and then how to clean it. That's for him to work out.

Jen you said it better than me.

Xpost Ada! I only saw your post after i had posted!

ava! Sorry

Jen I do agree with what you're saying in that it's a ridiculous thing to have to advise for a grown adult, but given the OP is in the situation that she's in and that she loves her partner but wants things to change, what would you suggest instead? LTB?

My son is dyspraxic. If I ask him to do a job like clean the bathroom, or tidy his room, he doesn't know where to start, so I write the job out in bullet points for him.
So eg bathroom,
Tiles: spray with Flash, wipe with sponge, rinse with shower, dry with towel
Bath: spray with flash, wipe, rinse
Polish taps with towel
Etc.
There can be about 20 little tasks in a job like cleaning the bathroom, so it helps him to have a visual checklist.
Saying that, he's learning, and he's only 14.

Other routines we have are bringing laundry down after his shower, stripping his bed before he goes to his dads on a Friday etc.

It is hard for people with dyspraxia to be organised, but the way I see it, it helps him to have strategies.
And your post has confirmed it to me OP!!
I'm not having my boys growing up useless.

Set some ground rules. Say you're not putting up with his messiness anymore and that you expect him to pull his weight from now on. Also if you notice he's doing something odd continually then gently mention it to him. He may not know he's doing it, like the peeing on the toilet seat in the dark where he's trying not to disturb your daughter. I'm sure he'll clean it up just to avoid future embarrassment.

If he does stuff on purpose though that is obviously lazy, like maybe leaving dirty laundry on the floor rather than putting it in the wash basket, give him one warning to stop it and then get tough. Tell him dirty laundry belongs in the basket and if you find anything on the floor you'll put it straight back in the drawers/ wardrobe because you'll assume it's clean. I'm sure he doesn't want to wear dirty, week old pants by accident and it'll make all his clothes smell less than fresh!

Don't nag but don't be a pushover either!

I totally get the whole 'this is not your job' thing BTW, and the real test is whether he wants to be more helpful and Co-operative but just doesn't see the mess or know where to start (in which case, lists and routines will be helpful) or he's happy to let you do it all.

Jen

she loves her partner but wants things to change, what would you suggest instead? LTB?

Not LTB as the first option certainly. But it is an option. I suggest she tells him that she isn't interested in a relationship where she is expected to clean another adults piss, where she is fobbed off with "I don't notice/I can't remember" bullshit excuses, she tells him to be a fucking fully functional adult and that she expects it to happen fucking yesterday or she is leaving. But I have a very low patience threshold for menbabies.

The guy is dyspraxic FFS. Would you tell a child with SEN to get a grip?

The guy is dyspraxic FFS. Would you tell a child with SEN to get a grip?

It doesn't affect his ability to work

Fair enough Jen, I also have a very low tolerance threshold for this in my own life. Think what TheCakes said puts it better than I did - he has to want to change or all this is pointless, but if he does he may need some transitional help to change an engrained habit of a lifetime. Long term it is NOT OP's job to tell him what needs doing he needs to learn to recognise it himself.

This is depressing. I'm 40 and I hoped that the next 'generation' of men in their 20s would be better than my generation! Clearly not.

If this doesn't give me a wake up call to make sure both my children (one male, one female) can keep a house tidy and clean I don't know what will!

And my son is not 4 yet and knows to wipe the seat when he dribbles, which is very frequently!

Would you tell a child with SEN to get a grip?

No, but this is an adult man who has maintained a job and a relationship alongside his dyspraxia. Keeping your area tidy is not a difficult concept. He isn't a child.

FWIW that 7yo I mentioned upthread does have SEN.

Could you start off small so it's like teamwork? For example - one of you cooks, the other washes up that night.
If your DD has a daytime nap on a day you're both off, one of you batch cooks & dusts while the other tidies & gives the bathroom a once over?

This is how my partner & I do it & we've been like this since a month after we moved in & I realised that he didn't know how to do most househohld tasks! Over time we have our main tasks & it seems to work well.

My main tasks are:
Cooking
Meal planning & food shop
Childcare (I'm on mat leave but he pulls his weight when he's here)
Putting clean clothes away
General tidying / quick dust

His tasks:
Washing up
Putting the washing on (this is a carry over from pregnancy when I struggled to carry the washing two floors down to the cellar) & in the dryer/tp dry
Hoovering
Cleaning bathroom

We tend to tidy our bedroom & the spare room/dumping ground together & the nursery is small enough for it not to be a major cleaning job.

I'm dyslexic and dyspraxia and I can sort the washer . Have a list - enrole him on fly lady - he's taking the piss

set 1 or 2 achievable goals for him over the next month (eg Hoover up once a week and make sure he puts his clothes in the laundry basket). Every time he does it, praise him. Don't nit pick if he doesn't do it perfectly.

FFS.

I've just realised how I'm going to make my millions. I'm going to run housekeeping classes for men that their wives can enroll them in. One day course on a Saturday. £50. Send them on the course, I'll give them worksheets and checklists to take home. They can do a test at the end of the day to show they understand all they were taught. They get a certificate. Wife has it enlarged and framed and hangs it above the fireplace. So he has no fucking excuse ever again to not do something. 'Cause the certificate says he can.

I'm going to be rich. There are millions of these fuckers about.

I'm sure he can do all these tasks, he just doesn't want to. If he really wanted to do his share, he would make a task list and get to it. He doesn't want to and thinks it's your job, OP.

Jen

I'm bemused when I read threads like this. What would men do if they were single and living alone? Same as I do? Do my own cleaning/cooking?