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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partners doing housework

97 replies

TheDollyLlama · 22/11/2016 13:20

So ladies, is there a house training class you've signed your men up to that I missed?

My partner is lovely, but is clueless around the house! I'm 26 and he's 24. We've been together 3 years in March and our little one will be 2 the week before (I know, we didn't hang around!) we moved in together within the first 7 months of our relationship and I learnt to do everything (washing, ironing etc) as I'd lived with my mum who did everything, same with him. I suppose because of this, at least I never had any expectations before hand.

Now I think we generate invisible mess! I could leave the house for a week, overflowing washing baskets, crumbs on floor, washing up piling up and he doesn't think there's a problem! He works 4 long days and I work 3 but the responsibility falls on me. Because he's dyslexic dyspraxia he says he has memory problems and can't remember my instructions and when I made him do a wash load he shrunk my brand new shirt, so that was that!

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to do more? Are your partners quite happy to do their share or do you just think it's easier to do yourself? This is the only thing we (rarely) argue about so he's great in every other way!

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 22/11/2016 18:36

Has anyone had a DP like mine and turned them into Kim & Aggie?

If he had any inclination at all to be Kim and Aggie he would be doing it already. He is a human, not a programmable robot. He is who he is. If cleaning was important to him he would be doing it. He doesn't want to, you will never make him want to clean. But that doesn't mean you have to be responsible for cleaning up after him. He is a grown ass man. He can live in his own filth, you don't have to and you don't have to clean it.

JenLindleyShitMom · 22/11/2016 18:37

when that happens so lights are off

So he sits! It's really not rocket science.

JenLindleyShitMom · 22/11/2016 18:39

He's never made a point of 'me man, you woman' or anything like that

He is making his point every time he walks away from his own piss on the floor knowing you will clean it. He doesn't need to verbalise it, you accepted his point with him saying it.

Naicehamshop · 22/11/2016 18:42

Stop this now! He is being a pathetic man-child and you are enabling him, and this will get a LOT worse.

DryIce · 22/11/2016 18:42

I feel we might be putting you off a bit with the strength of the responses!

Obviously none of us know your DP, and I'm sure he is a lovely man with many virtues or you wouldn't be with him.

You're getting this response because this is a topic that comes up over and over again. And it is always, always men. Grown men who manage to hold down (sometimes very senior and demanding) careers and organise the rest of their lives but are for some reason incapable of cleaning their own home.

I will allow that a lot of men are not brought up to recognise and deal with these issues. But have a conversation with him about it. About what the jobs are that need doing, how long they take, all the things you do that make the house presentable and aren't done by magical cleaning fairies.

If he can listen to that, and still continue on in this way, he does seem to be saying by his actions that you are less important than him, and such boring mundane tasks as homework should be your remit

TimetohittheroadJack · 22/11/2016 18:47

My dh was a lazy bastard too, and strategically incompetent, as in 'oh dear I never noticed that red top in the washing silly me'. So I stopped picking up any of his crap, got my own washing basket and didn't do his. He quickly learned that how to load and wash. I also refused to do the dishes (for almost a week on one occasion - I bought paper plates) as I was fucking sick of his ' ill do them later routine'. if you accept him not doing it, this will become the new normal, and him treating you like the servant will eventually cause a huge amount of resentment.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 22/11/2016 18:53

It really depresses me reading about these infant men who manage to hold a job down but the concept of cleaning and looking after a house or child is alien to them. I don't buy it, it's procrastination and laziness. It's even more depressing when women blame themselves for their partner's incompetence.

My DH does the majority of the housework, I have been told this makes me lucky 🙄 I mostly cook (because I'm better at it than him) but he'll make a few meals a week. There's no way I'd tolerate any "oh it's behind me" crap

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 22/11/2016 18:53

*beyond

CockacidalManiac · 22/11/2016 18:57

I can manage not to piss all over the floor.
if I make a mess, I can clear it up.
I'm an adult male.

CockacidalManiac · 22/11/2016 18:59

The thing that PP said about 'is he like this at work?' is such a good indicator. Forgetting to sign In or out doesn't count, a lot of people forget to do that.

Autumnsweater · 22/11/2016 19:03

I agree dryice

I suspect you've both fell into this pattern because your mother's did everything - so you watched that and assumed that meant you had to do everything, and he watched that and assumed that meant his partner would do everything. That isn't deliberate but subconscious. But things can change .

It can be dispiriting to hear this sort of thing and he may be defensive at first. I'd end the conversation on a positive saying that you know he is a good person and will want to help on this, and then set 1 or 2 achievable goals for him over the next month (eg Hoover up once a week and make sure he puts his clothes in the laundry basket). Every time he does it, praise him. Don't nit pick if he doesn't do it perfectly. And go from there.

Good luck!

Marynary · 22/11/2016 19:06

You need to nip this in the bud or it will only get worse and eventually you will really resent it. He may never fully get the idea or dusting etc but he should notice and clean up his own piss and do his own washing. Perhaps if he is always responsible for specific, easy tasks that he can't fail to notice (e.g. washing up) he will get the hang of it.

JenLindleyShitMom · 22/11/2016 19:07

set 1 or 2 achievable goals for him over the next month (eg Hoover up once a week and make sure he puts his clothes in the laundry basket). Every time he does it, praise him.

Oh god! This is so infuriating to read I could scream!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 22/11/2016 19:09

I thought the same Jen. Do you think our OHs need star charts or kibble as a reward?

jelliebelly · 22/11/2016 19:09

You haven't made him sound worse than he is - you have stated facts and others have responded appropriately! There are simply no excuses for not doing his fair share and if you don't address it now he has no incentive to change his lazy ways

CockacidalManiac · 22/11/2016 19:10

He's not a dog that needs training and praise! Just point at the hoover and tell him it's his turn.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/11/2016 19:19

I have two ds. One is dyslexic. One has dyspraxia. They never make a mess in the loo. They can clean. My ds with dyspraxia does forget stuff. Constantly! So a list is handy. Could you put a list on the inside of a cupboard door. Maybe if he is not good at fiddly stuff put him on big stuff eg washing out floors, hoovering. I can imagine my ds forgetting stuff in years to come but he is well used to lists and texts now. My ds with dyslexia is very good at cleaning when he sets too it.
If he moans about the cleaning in the evening turn it into a joke saying you poor darling but DONT BACK DOWN!!!

MrsSparkles · 22/11/2016 19:22

My DH doesn't clean at all however he is more than happy to pay for a cleaner.

RortyCrankle · 22/11/2016 19:30

There have been countess threads just like this on here and what else can be said other than you have enabled him by not tackling this way before you had a child. How come this issue wasn't agreed upon when you first moved in together? How can you call him lovely when he pisses all over the floor and leaves it for you to clean up? To me that screams 'I'm more important than you, you're a domestic drudge, you're beneath me and it's your job'. Totally unacceptable behaviour IMO.

set 1 or 2 achievable goals for him over the next month (eg Hoover up once a week and make sure he puts his clothes in the laundry basket). Every time he does it, praise him.

Fuck that, he's not a performing seal, he's supposed to be an adult human being.

How can you tolerate being treated in this way? Personally I would be telling him to shape up or ship out.

misamisa · 22/11/2016 20:31

I know the situation, OP. My oh is in his 30s and still does bugger all around the house Confused. We just moved in together (we both have kids from previous relationships so logistics have been tough) and I only just found out that he's been hiring someone to do his washing, ironing and cleaning 3 times a week. If he thinks I'll be taking over those duties he's highly mistaken. This week I taught him and his 17 year old son how to do a load of washing... bloody ridiculous!

He's not a useless man in any other regard, he's quite impressive actually - but that's obviously because he hasn't been doing any housework!!

I feel for you, OP, but don't let him get away with it - get a whiteboard for the kitchen and put a list up for him if he really does have issues with his memory.

Crowdblundering · 22/11/2016 20:36

I got OH off the Internet he's in the military so had already been really well programmed in household chores. Grin

He's great but he does everything so it's PERFECT meaning he will spend 3 hours cleaning our main bathroom - which is tiny!

I wouldn't put up with anyone (inc my kids - who all do their own washing) not pulling their weight in this house - I work too and we all use the house there is no way it's solely my job.

Crowdblundering · 22/11/2016 20:39

Step kids are also expected to muck in when they are here - they are family too.

Rachel0Greep · 22/11/2016 20:51

set 1 or 2 achievable goals for him over the next month (eg Hoover up once a week and make sure he puts his clothes in the laundry basket). Every time he does it, praise him.

Seriously? This is an adult, presumably capable of holding down a job. Why on earth would the OP be setting goals and praising him for doing his share in the house that they both live in, and that doesn't clean and tidy itself.

OP you need to have a discussion with your partner. Have a look on the relationships board and see that he is absolutely giving you a message by leaving his p1ss for you to clean up.

Crowdblundering · 22/11/2016 20:58

set 1 or 2 achievable goals for him over the next month (eg Hoover up once a week and make sure he puts his clothes in the laundry basket). Every time he does it, praise him.

GrinGrinGrin

Biscuit
Cucumber5 · 22/11/2016 21:00

Sit down together, together write a list of everything that needs doing, together split that list so you have separate responsibilities, pin it to the fridge

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