AIBU to think my husband's strayed...

[user1479812890]

Longstanding mumsnetter but set up new account as don't want this attached to my normal one. But naice ham, PippaPavlova, Yoni etc, etc.

I am aged 38, my husband is 46. We have a four year old son and 3 month old twins.

Last Saturday I looked in an email account which is normally used by my husband only to buy gaming treats for our four year old. There was a receipt in there for a packet of Viagra from an online pharmacy 4 weeks ago. I confronted him and he said he had bought them to use with me because he had difficulty getting an erection after having a drink but had not mentioned it to me. I find that difficult to believe, as he drinks every night and has never had difficulty achieving an erection with me, but he insisted. I said in that case we should go and find the packet together to see that none were used. A look of panic crossed his face and he then began claiming that on the one occasion we had sex during those four weeks he had used Viagra so one was missing. There was no evidence of Viagra during that encounter but he says that is because it didn't work. I would also be very hurt if he had used Viagra to have sex with me without telling me but that's another story.

The problem is, one evening over the past few weeks as he was undressing for bed on a week night he had an erection for no reason. This has never happened in the 17 years of our relationship. When I mentioned it at the time he got very defensive and told me to leave him alone so I let it go. Now I have discovered about the viagra I believe that he had sex that evening on the way home from work which he used viagra for. He doesn't have time for an affair so I assume with a prostitute. I find it pretty unbelievable that he would not show any sign of Viagra use when supposedly using it with me but show signs at another time apparently coincidentally.

When I put this to him he said because I suffer from anxiety and depression I am delusional and imagined the whole erection incident. But he is also saying that the erection incident was a coincident which seems contradictory. He's also now changed his story about why he bought it. He's no longer saying he bought it because he couldn't get an erection, but saying he got it because he wanted to last longer and for recreational reasons.

He has form for telling quite major lies (normally over money) and continuing to deny the truth even when it's entirely obvious, only finally confessing when there is 100% incontrovertible proof.

He says there is absolutely no reason to assume he is having sex elsewhere and nobody without my mental health problems would suspect him on this evidence. He says I'm being silly.

I say that I think most people would strongly suspect the same and would think I was being a mug to accept his excuses. But even though I'm saying that to him I'm really doubting myself now.

I've considered AIBU? Could I imagining it? Am I reading too much into this? Am I am mug for having doubts?

Of course people have the time to have an affair - he could be seeing someone from work who's also married.

If he only lasts a couple of mins then that could be why he bought them and in addition he could easily have taken one to see the impact it would have on him. He may not have wanted to tell you due to embarassment and not knowing if it would work.

Sorry op but If that was my dh I would be telling him to pack a bag and leave until he can tell me the truth.

Not really very practical with 3 month old twins! And only receiving stat mat.

I would keep very quiet about it and discreetly dig every nook and cranny.
If you make a big fuss -if he has done something wrong- you would alert him and he could 'tidy up'.

Unfortunately I think this horse may have already bolted. There was an incident about 12 years ago where I found from our internet history that someone had been looking at prostitutes and blamed his brother who had been staying with us. I've started to think since that actually it was him but his brother took the blame. I've had these suspicions before and voiced them - and if I am right about this I think it would have given him the chance to start covering his tracks pretty well. And this thing with the viagra was an uncharacteristic slip up.

Can you check your bank balance to see whether he took cash out that night?

Well this brings me to the reason I've had suspicions in the past.

Some years ago, he got himself into a lot of debt but at the same time was failing to pay household bills which he was responsible for. This is the thing that he didn't admit until caught red handed. Everything pointed to there being a problem and I asked him and told him I wanted to help but he denied it and denied it. He didn't own up to anything until we ended up with bailiffs on the doorstep for the council tax and the gas and electricity cut off.

But during that period he borrowed a lot of money, plus he wasn't paying the bills he was responsible for, so he would have had quite a lot of money sloshing about. But he's never really been able to account for what happened to it. He didn't make any big purchases, or lots of little ones. He doesn't gamble and has never had an interest in it. He doesn't take drugs. The only thing I could never rule out was that he'd spent it on prostitutes and I had a nasty sneaking suspicion he had.

Anyway, as a result of this we've never shared a bank account, mainly to protect me. But he is very secretive about his own bank account. I can't view it. He has all the log ins for mine though and will transfer money into account and takes my card to use it when he wants. He says it's sensible he can do this for practical reasons. He denies he is secretive over his bank account but when we've argued over similar things before he has been very, very resistant and it has taken a huge argument for him to let me look. But I can't check his transactions easily, no. I'm not sure exactly which night it was either.

He sounds like a lying git. I'm not sure he is shagging around but it sounds as if you'd be better off without him.

If someone wants to have an affair they will always find time for it. Using your mental health against you is a red light.

I think it's extremely nasty of him to use your MH difficulties as an excuse for anything, OP. Has he done this before, in bringing this up as a reason for anything you do or think? I would probably reach the same conclusion in similar circumstances BTW. I am sorry you are having to deal with all this when you have such young children.

YANBU. But after reading through all of that about his/your finances, I feel YABU to stay in this relationship. Messiness aside, obviously you can't trust this man.

Also, when my ex left, we didn't have a joint account either, I found, stuffed in a drawer, loads of cards all up to the max. I'd no idea of this debt, as I never got to see his account either.

The bills were run up by his nights out when he was working away from home.

Wow that's dodgy. At first I wondered why you would think prostitutes. Then I saw your later posts and it's obvious. The fact he blamed your MH and said you imagined his erection was a huge red flag. Plus you aren't allowed to look at his bank account and loads of money went missing but the bills weren't paid.

You have put up with a lot of shit from him and I wouldn't believe a word he says.

Gosh. How awful for you. I'm sorry.

Why do you let him have access to your account when he doesn't reciprocate?

If you think he's using prostitutes to the extent that he's gone into debt, there's a much bigger problem than I originally thought, OP.

Whatever he's up to, he is lying. The lack of honesty would be very difficult to get around.

Check his phone. Check the phone bills. It really is worth finding out the truth.

You might be able to fix the truth, but you'll never be able to fix the unknown anxiety, it will eat you up.

Just read your thread about money, OP. It does sound not right IMO. A bit unbalanced that you can't access his money but he can yours, esp as at present you are on mat leave and he presumably has a bigger income. But what I really want to say is that he has no need to know your key in details for your account. All he needs is account no, name on account and sort code to put money in the account. If he needs to use money from your acc he can ask. I think you need to change your PIN urgently and not tell him what it is.

Another point, OP, if there is a risk he's been using prostitutes (from your info on this thread I think there might be) you need a sexual health check. I know this would be very difficult with such young twins, but you can explain that when you make an appointment as the clinic can organise to have extra staff on hand to care for the babies while you talk to the doctor or nurse and get swabs done. Until you know what you want to do I also think you should insist on condom use any time you have sex with him.

Could he maybe just have taken one to find out in private if it works/what happens/what it feels like?

This was my first thought. He bought them (although should have told you) and gave one a go in private. Did he seem embarrassed when you saw him with an erection at an odd moment?

Hi op

I hear what you highlighted in my previous post as not being practical with three month old twins. Do you have family or friends close by that could help for a couple of weeks just so you can have some head space to think without him milling around you?

You've since posted saying there have been issues before so you have separate bank accounts. Do you have any contingency anywhere that you could transfer into your account to tide you over for a temporary time?

I say this because as you've just stated there were problems before with similar trust issues so having a back up account protects you and actually you need to also be thinking about getting an sti check as awful as that sounds.
Have you reminded him of the problems before and how it's looking very suspicious because of his own wrong doing previously??
I understand it's hard in a practical way as well as financial for you and what an ass blaming it on your anxiety. Hope you told him he probably contributed to it with his bad defensive attitude in the first place.

Other than sharing the load with three month old twins... What's the point, OP?

I'd guess he's having sex with a much younger woman and wants to ensure he has a foolproof erection to impress her. Sorry, but it stinks of extramarital in here.

• he lies
• he discredits you by invoking "mental health" and "delusions"
• he has no respect for you

I don't know what he did with the money or the viagra, but you don't need any of the above crap in your life.

If you are married, you have rights to assets and child maintenance so you can kick him out and not just be on SMP

You have my sympathy you really do. How stressful for you. I have twins and a 5 year old so I know how hard caring for them is let alone dealing with this.

OP, don't worry about money, if you want shut of him, kick his ass out.
I hate to say this but if he was using prostitutes 12 years ago, how can you be sure he hasn't been doing this all the time?
For him to blame your mh and not be loving and caring towards your suspicions just shouts of guilt imo.
All the lies he has told you over the years may mean that you have no idea as to the real him, at least ask him for some space whilst you think of what you want to do.
This isn't right and you deserve so much better in your life

Private investigator. I'm not joking, have him followed.

I'm not usually one for the hard line in such cases, but seeing as it's prostitutes that you suspect (with the double header of rinsing the family purse and potential health risks, ON TOP of the emotional damage were this to be the case) I'd seriously think about putting this theory to bed.

And if it turns out you're wrong, whilst I'm sure you'd be very grateful, your dh may try to tell you this was a massive over-reaction. But frankly when he tries to imply you're crazy for suspecting it, it is NOT CRAZY to seek incontrovertible evidence either way. In fact it would be sensible. And if he's not going to open up and give it to you you would surely be within your rights to seek it and pay for it out of family money. And you can tell him this is what happens when you treat someone to years of dishonesty.

If there's nothing going on perhaps that would be the wake-up call he needs to changing his lying behaviour.

I wouldn't mention it again for the time being. If he's doing something he shouldn't there will always be evidence somewhere.

Take your time and see if you can find proof before confronting him again.

I hope things boils down to something innocent but I always follow my sixth sense. You know when something isn't right

This all sounds horribly suspicious. Isn't it also financially abusive to have control over your account but deny you any access to his?

Could he maybe just have taken one to find out in private if it works/what happens/what it feels like?

I agree, this is very possible, and would fit with having an erection late in the evening. And maybe he feels embarrassed to say so. But if it is true, trying to make you feel bad to deflect embarrassment from himself is not a nice character trait.