To think he should get himself up in the morning?

[MrsMcBoatface]

I asked DH last night what his plans were for today...he said he was going into his office (we both work full time but more often than not he works from home or goes in on a later train, he can set his own hours normally). He's got an interesting project on after several months of not much on. I've got into the habit of getting up and getting myself ready and out of the house, often he'll be still in bed when I leave. So this morning I wasn't watching the clock but he woke up at 7:30 and realised he'd missed his train, got furious at me because he had 'told' me he wanted to get the early train (he's ended up going for a later train). I got furious back at him...shouting and tears followed.

WIBU to get so angry about this? What really made me angry was 1) his expectation that I should be responsible for waking him up, then 2) the expectation that he could take out his anger (with himself, for running late) on me. Looking back, I suppose I could have asked him what train he intended to get, but should I have to plan my morning around him? We are both in our 50s btw. And he earns more money than me. DCs left home and doing fine so it's just us in the house.

Of course he should get himself up - does he not have an alarm clock?

That being said, if I was awake and knew that DH anted to be up at a certain time, and had obviously overslept I would give him a shout. But from your post you didn't even know what time train he was aiming for.

Perhaps you should wake him at 6am for the next few mornings 'just in case'

There's a thread where the OP talks about her DH always blaming someone else.

Sounds like yours is the same. You know he was wrong to blame you. He's a grown up and didn't ask you to wake him.

I don't know, if he's not used to getting up the same time as you, I personally would have tried to get him up. If it was every morning, and he was behaving like a lazy child, that's different. Of course, he could have set his own alarm, he shouldn't have assumed you'd not make any effort to wake him.

I think you both should say sorry, obviously it's a case of crossed wires, stress and general morning grumpiness.

Unless you're in the habit of getting each other up when required, YANBU! He's a grown adult and should be able to work an alarm clock.

If I was awake and knew he had to be up, I'd give him a nudge and let him know he'd be late if he didn't get a move ob.

Of course, he is responsible for setting his own alarms and waking up at the correct time.

However, if you were aware he had overslept, I do think it would have been kind to give him a nudge. My DP often leaves before I wake up, but if I have to be up earlier and I've slept through an alarm or two (tend to do this ) then he'll wake me up before he goes.

I'm firmly in the YANBU camp. I have no concept of how an adult might need another person to wake them up. I've been married for many many years and hand on heart I can honestly say that I have never woken up my DH, nor has he ever woken me. We have always taken responsibility for ourselves.

Yes, I probably should have woken him up, he did expect me to...I suppose I can argue the rights and wrongs of that separately.

I think I will make a point of asking him each night what he's going to expect of me the next morning. I like seeline's idea! But in a sort of passive aggressive way and I want to claim the moral high ground.

I have apologised to him for losing my temper but not for neglecting to wake him up!

Just reading the DH blaming thread with interest, that is the 'thing' I'm annoyed about!

Did you know he wanted to get the early train? If he hadn't indicated that to you, and you're used to him getting the later train when he goes into the office, then YADNBU to have left him to sleep.

Did he apologise for losing his temper?

No you aren't being unreasonable, you didn't know what time train he was catching and even if you did he was the one that should have set his alarm and got up. If he didn't do all this then maybe he could have just said something along the lines of if I fall back asleep after my alarm can you wake me up please. Not blame you for it! I would have felt the same as you.

Unless he specifically told you he wanted to get the early train, he is being ridiculous. Why should you be expected to read his mind?

yanbu
my oh seems to think i should wake him up. i did it for years. but he'd argue every day that he didn't need to be up yet. and then he late every day. (own business so not late, just later than he'd like) and be so angry at himself he'd be horrible to me. i gave up getting involved. he no longer workers for himself and manages to get up now with no intervention! mornings tend to be less stressful for all involved. on the odd occasion he asks me to ensure he's awake there's inevitably a row!

OP
I think I will make a point of asking him each night what he's going to expect of me the next morning

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Why on earth are you requesting orders for your behaviour from him!!!!???

Unless of course you reciprocate with some very clear expectations of your own, eg: he gets up 1st, brings you a cup of tea in bed, etc etc.

Of course he should get himself up and not blame you when he slept in. Some men are just idiots including my DH who was laid in bed on Sunday and asked me whether it was raining. The bed is near to the window. I was by the door with my arms full of washing.

I replied I didn't know and why didn't he look out of the window instead of expecting me to do it for him. I was wrong then for being arsey, he most certainly wasn't wrong for asking me a genuine question and getting a sarky response.

He genuinely couldn't see why I was pissed off that he thought it OK to ask me to check the weather for him rather than him tilting his head to the right.

I think I will make a point of asking him each night what he's going to expect of me the next morning

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I think the op means in a PA way, doesn't she? it's the kind of thing I would do to make a point!