To feel left out of this important decision.

[pregnantat50]

My sister is putting mum in a care home She gave me a lift home and stopped the car in lay-by, looked at me and said "Pregnant, this is so hard for me to say but me and BIL have been visiting care homes for mum and we have found one locally that can take her" However, despite my sister having power of attorney the care homes said, If my mum has an understanding of what a hospital is then the decision is still hers (my mums is forgetful but still eats, feeds the cat, and functions in society, she does forget names and whether children are her children or her grandchildren) My sister says she worries about mum when she is abroad and I am at work, she imagines her getting lost or doing something dangerous. I can see her point but mum will be devastated and what about her cat!

My sister is waiting for the next appointment with mums oncologist as the care home said it may be my mum needs more specific end of life care linked to her cancer rather than her alzheimers. I feel so powerless but understand my sister is just wanting the best for mum. Its sad, I have always thought mum would stay in her home until the end of her life and I dont feel that is imminent.

I am taking mum to see an optician on Saturday as since her cataract operation her eye sight has improved and she needs a new prescription, My sister has told me not to mention anything to mum, but I feel like a traitor to her, I always promised mum she wouldn't end up in a home.

AIBU to feel my sister should have discussed this with me before she got to this stage, I would also like to have been included in visiting the care homes for peace of mind to ensure they are the right place for mum.

Could you perhaps move back in with your mum and rent your own place out? As pp said Bollocks to Peace! Your dm sounded like she loved having you and your dc around. I would seriously think about going back to live with your dm, if your dc would be ok with it and it would work for you. Then at least she would have company and you could keep an eye on things.
Don't leave it up to your sister, she is your mum too!

Yep after reading all your posts OP your DSis definitely sounds like she may have some not very nice ulterior motives here.

Ignore her and speak to your mum alone about this as soon as you can, so your mum can be prepared and really think about what she wants. Ime it is easy to railroad older people often by springing things like this on them and presenting them as a fait accompli rather than as a choice.

Please allow your DM space and time to choose for herself from all of the available options (write them down for her so she remembers everything).

Someone with Alzheimer's and cancer is very very difficult to manage. I'm not sure it's always the best for the individual to be honest, after watching my husbands aunt, who was a nurse, attempt to look after my husbands gran. It simply got too much, the level of personal care required was distressing and the fact it's basically round the clock and 24/7 challenges even the most qualified.

And I was also curious as to whether there was a deeper inheritance issue here.

Hence my question on whether uou owned your own home and could cope financially when you had to give up work to care for your mum, as the answer to that may also be driving uour sisters behaviour.

I totally agree with Notweaving. Don't let your sister railroad your mum or you. It alright for ds to do what she thinks is best, but she wont be around and your mum sounds like she is still well enough to be at home with her cat. Your ds sounds like a piece of work and she should have involved you, not her dh in this.

Thank you for all your responses. I do truly believe my dsis is doing this with my mums best interests at heart. I think she is trying to pre-empt things before they get to the stage when there is not alternative. I work full time and would happily give up to look after mum but my Dsis was concerned I would then be left unable to support myself when the inevitable happened (I am single). The home will be funded by selling mums house which will probably pay for many years of care so the cost wont be an issue, its just the sadness of it coming to this. I feel I have let mum down.

Sorry I would also add, with my husbands gran, the Alzheimer's got so bad so quickly, and I'm talking about refusing to eat anything, being verbally and physically abusive, being distressed for no reason, soiling herself and refusing to change for days on end, getting up and switching things on like the cooker and leaving things to cook in the middle of the night, and nearly causing fires. From a lovely woman where the mother and daughter had a close relationship to one where it was soul destroying. His aunt couldn't sleep, she was always awake to be there and the difficulties in little things like trying to get her mother to change her clothes was awful, of even when her mother lashed out at her, things she would never have done pre Alzheimer's.

In the end she went to a home, and she was better there, because she didn't know who anyone was as it was. Trying to understand simply how hard this can be is difficult, then uou factor in the cancer care, and all that goes with that, and that in itself is emotionally destroying, then it's not always the best option to care for someone at home. Especially if you've also got a child or children to care for.

The sister is already looking to understand what's required for end of life care due to the cancer and to be fair, that seems a reasonable thing to do.

You are not being unreasonable, it's a massive decision that you should have had a say in. I work in care and I've met so many different people over the years that hopefully I can help you a little bit.

Obviously most elderly people don't want to go into a home and many are very upset and unsettled when they first move in but it is very rare for a person to not settle in well after a couple of weeks. Has your sister looked into the activities the home puts on? The events that are help? The other people that live there? It is so important to find a home that has suitable entertainment and company for a person.

It is usually a positive thing for a person to move into a care home before their condition deteriorates, it gives the person time to settle in and feel at home and it gives the staff a chance to get to know the person and to care about them, they become like extended family.

Also many care homes do allow permanent residents to keep their pets (within reason), so hopefully that won't be a problem.

It is perfectly understandable to feel shocked and a bit blind sided. Have you thought about going to visit the home yourself? You could meet the staff yourself, ask your questions and that might make you feel a bit better about it?

Best of luck, your mum is lucky to have a daughter that loves and cares about her as you obviously do.

I think your sister is trying to save you from yourself, tbh.

Being single, working full-time and caring for children is hard enough without also attempting to care for an increasing my frail, ill and confused mum on your own.

Your Mum has burdened you with this promise that she will not go into care and it's clearly a promise you were willing to commit to but at what cost?

I think your sister has you at the centre of her decision making and is being the bad guy to save you from the guilt.

I would also suggest you keep the cat yourself. Many homes have nice outside spaces - gazebos etc, and it would be perfectly acceptable for the cat to visit your mum there every week in a kitty harness.

Even if the cat can't live with her it doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship.

My mum does go to 3 clubs at the moment, she is collected and then dropped off, she comes back with crafts she has made. She talks about what happens, enjoys the music, singalongs etc., she is very sociable and likes company so if a care home offered entertainment that would be something to ease her in.

Really caring for someone with Alzheimer's can be very very difficult. Even without having four children and working full time.

Thinking of people who I've been aware of what was happening it included:
Husband who got paranoid and attacked his wife-what if that's one of your dc.
Person who wandered off frequently often during the night, necessitating lots of looking for.
Person who would constantly make stew in any pot she could find and secrete them in any available cupboard.
Dgran whose idea to light her gas fire in the following way (bearing in mind she could forget at any moment what she was doing and/or fall over and be unable to get back up.

1. Turn gas on gas fire in lounge
2. Walk through to kitchen
3. Roll up newspaper and light it from stove
4. Carrying this torch back to lounge

5 bend down (making her very unstable) and light fire.

I think it was unfair of your dm to make you promise not to put her in a home.
Df, after caring for dgm, made us promise that we would put him in a home when he got to the state of not being safe on his own. not that he liked the idea of a home, but he knew the stress it had put on himself.
And despite dgm being a very independent person, she did actually enjoy the home. She wouldn't have thought she would have beforehand, but she did.
Some carehomes will offer in house entertainment, others will take them out to things.

A Power of Attorney POA needs to be registered to be used, and the Govt. legislation covering POA says that the POA must be used in the best interests of the person involved, also that the person it covers must be involved in the decision if they have the capacity. Have a look at the website for the Office of the Public Guardian for information about this.
You could also look for care homes yourself and suggest one closer to you. Agree with your sister that you will support her decision when the time comes, try to agree the things that will mean your mum does need a care home - like if she starts to go out on her own at night, has a fall, is in danger etc. (I think the majority of people with Alzheimers do eventually need this level of care)
let your sister know you will consider a care home when the time comes but that you do not think that time is here yet. Once your mum loses the mental capacity to make her own decision, and your and your sister agree she has reached the point where she needs a care home, then at least if you look for one now you will have one lined up.
Try to talk to your sister about all of this and suggest that you think your mum still has the capacity to be involved in the decision at the moment.
If this fails, and you care enough about the issue you can challenge your sister by contacting either social services, or the body which issued the Power of Attorney. Here are some details about the Office of the Public Guardian, and the line to call if you have concerns about the way someone is acting.

Office of the Public Guardian [email protected]
Telephone: 0115 934 2777
Textphone: 0115 934 2778

Is it that if you and the dc moved in with your mum and looked after her, that you would have some kind of claim on the house or at least it might be difficult to divide the inheritance? I don't know if it would, but it crossed my mind. I mean, the obvious thing, if it genuinely suited your mum to all live together, would be to do that.

But if it would disadvantage your sister, perhaps you could look into protecting her interests.

'Course paying out for a home will probably impact any inheritance too.

I think your sister is perhaps just thinking more of your mum's future medical needs. If she has dementia and cancer, day clubs and carers aren't going to be suitable for long term care and having worked as a carer, I'd say your sister sounds very sensible to be looking at this all before it becomes a crisis to manage. At this stage, you will have a choice in homes - with crisis management, it will be wherever there is a space sadly. This may sound blunt but your mum isn't going to get better, she's going to get much worse and it's far better she's in a safe environment to do so. If she's not letting nurses or carers in, her medical needs are already not being met. I feel so sorry you're in this position, but maybe just talk to your sister and ask if you can make these decisions together from now on.

My mum went into a care home and it saved her life. Everyone agreed how much better she looked and she seemed content. Her Alzheimer's was very advanced at that time. I put that background in to show I am not against care homes.

You need to be aware that your sister, even with PoA cannot "put" your mum into a home. The LA will assess your mum and if she wishes to stay, even if she cannot care for herself she will not be forced. Please do not take orders from your sister, with regard to your mum. My brother lived abroad and this was a constant theme of his every time he visited. While my mum still had the ability to make decisions she would not agree to a home.

Without going into details inheritance really isn't the motivation for my Dsis here. I think I will talk to her about this and go through the options together but I do think mum needs to be consulted too. I would happily have mums cat, but live in a flat where pets are not allowed :( One thing I do know is DSis loves mum dearly and would want the best for her, it is just so hard when it comes down to a situation like this.

Your mother can appoint you as well so there are joint attorneys.

There's information about PoAs on the Age UK website.
advice

I agree with Elzpeth I've known several people try to weave care of a loved one with Alzheimer's into family life and never once has it ended well. The carers get knackered (24/7 care is grim) and quite often the patient ends up receiving inadequate care Love just isn't enough.

This must be a shock to you.

Firstly, even if your sister has power of attorney it doesn't give her the right to make decisions for your mum if your mum is capable of making the decision for herself. POA is only used when a person is unable to make their own decisions.

Secondly, should your mum agree to move in to residential care, how is it intended she will pay for it. If she doesn't have means to pay herself she will have to have an assessment by SS who may not agree that she meets criteria for residential care and may not agree to fund it- they may feel she can be adequately cared for at home with carers visiting.

Has your sister explored home care/ gps tracking/ home sensors to help your mum remain at home for as long as possible.

Is the care home suitable for your mum long term? Is it a care home, residential home or nursing home or a mix? If your mum has cancer it is likely she will need nursing care in the future, and I would strongly recommend that she moves in to a dual purpose care/ nursing home to avoid a move later on which may be more distressing for her.

If your mum has alzheimers it is likely that a move will disorientate her and her alzheimers may appear worse when she moves in due to this.

Another thing to bear in mind is that your sister has to be in the country to exercise her power of attorney, it can't be done over the phone from another country. I appreciate it doesn't take much to get on a plane and get back to England if she is ordinarily resident here but until she is in the country decisions your mum is unable to make will have to be made in her best interest by the person most involved in the particular aspect of her care requiring the decision (e.g a dr in case of medical care, a care worker in regards to care or social workers in regards to placement).

Does your sister have POA for finances or health and welfare or both (this is important).

Sounds like you and your sister need to cooperate to make this decision together. talk about it! It's not fair on your mum or you to have your mum in a home you can't visit. Could you visit some?

Also, if your mum is of sound mind you can't just move her into a home - she has to consent!

I'd get some advice. Start by talking to her GP/Age UK.

But bear in mind these things can take longer than you think - you may have to wait for a space to become available in a nice home.

If your Mum still has capacity then she cannot be placed in a care home without her consent.

Would Mum consider having a full-time carer living in the house if it meant she could remain at home?

My fear is she would be a long way off in a home without any visitors

I know you said the care home is in a remote location but you also said it was local so it can't really be a long way off, surely? It's quite unusual for a care home to be way out in the sticks but I guess it happens so it would be a case of getting a lift from sis (or older children) or getting a taxi. It would end up expensive if you were doing the journey every day in a taxi though.

I agree with everything Kondo said.

My grandmother put herself into a long-term care facility when she felt she was no longer able to take care of herself. The place she lived had a restaurant, bingo, movie nights, dances, church services, holiday parties, sewing circles; they had multiple activities literally every day. There are places that offer those things.

I think that deep down you know that if your Mum deteriorated you wouldn't be able to cope. The main sticking point here is how often you see your DM now and how often would be possible if she goes to the home that your DSis has picked. Perhaps one within sensible commuting distance for your family would be more sensible if your DSis will be out of the country a lot?

My sister has POE for finances as well as health

I would also speak to your LA to ensure that your mum's voice is heard. I would particularly mention that your mum goes to clubs, socialises and has a cat she does not want to be parted from.