AIBU to want to move home because I don't fit in

[Justbecauseitsso]

From the title I've made it sound like I'm a giant living in a too small house 😊.

What I want to say is that I live in an extremely affluent area where my dd goes to the local primary school with the majority of other kids who live in million pound homes. We live in a small maisonette that's too cramped for the three of us in my family. Since starting her school every time my dd has one of her little friends round they without a doubt will make a comment about our little flat. "Where's the second floor?" is a common one or "I've never been inside a flat before!" Or "I can't eat off this dining room table it's too small". I know that these are comments made by 6 year olds and I as an adult I should let them wash over me but then I'll inevitably get the look of badly repressed shock on parents' faces when they come to pick up their kids. Sometimes that'll be the end of anymore play dates from them because they strangely stop talking to me at the school gates.

I have written a couple of threads but name changed since for reasons of not wanting to out myself. But the advice was mainly to have the play dates and the nicer families would stick around and the mean ones who cold shouldered me would not be worth knowing anyway. The only problem is that it is all so cliquey where my dd goes to school that now we seem to be branded and become complete outsiders. Invites have dried up and my confidence is so knocked that it's too hard for me to ignore it anymore. Now I just want to move away to a place that doesn't measure a person solely from the size of their house or whether they make as much money as them or are so absorbed in material wealth that they can't see past it and to more important qualities in a person like being kind, trustful, interesting etc. please if you live in such a place could you tell me where it is and I will move there within the year!
Or am I just letting it all get to me too much?

This is London though, do you not know any neighbouring families that also live in flats, it can't be that unusual surely. Sounds like you've landed an unfortunate bunch with your dds class but there must be other people around you living in similar circumstances. Can you sign her up for some groups in the wider community, brownies or girls brigade, you might find a more diverse set of parents there.

Ah, so you're in Lavenham territory, thisis. Yes, that's posh. I'm not too far from you actually but we don't really get London types moving to these parts (nice, unsnobby village). We could definitely do with some outsiders though, I'd love it if a northern family moved here...

OP I honestly think I would move. There are such warmer, happier places to live where no one cares about kitchen islands.

A relative of mine got a scholarship to a public school, and although he did well academically and got other great opportunities he hardly ever brought anyone back to his three bed semi because most of his friends lived in bigger "nicer" houses, so thinking about what it might be like later on at secondary might help you to decide whether a move is worthwhile.

IonaNE's post resonated with me:
*OP, if you sell the place and move away, you won't ever be able to move back to a similar area. So think about it well, it will be a one-way street if you do it. If you have different priorities from the people around you, why does it bother you what they think of your house? Do you want those people in your house? Do you want to be in theirs? Then?

Your DD won't always be in nursery or primary school. She'll go to secondary before you blink twice and then the school gate cliques and playdate complications will fade but you'll still live in a nice area. I would not move.*
We did exactly this 14 years ago; moved from the area Minipie was talking about, although in our case we had the 4-bed des res, just hadn't been to the right schools or had the right accent. That wasn't the only reason though; I was suffering pnd which I think clouded my judgement and I wasn't able to appreciate that I did know a few lovely, unpretentious people and that was actually enough.
Plus my eldest DD was totally happy (in the 'H' school ), and it took a good few years for things to settle for him. I never did find 'my' people, have an even smaller circle than I did then, plus re-training opportunities for me have been non-existent. And I get hives thinking about how much our old house is worth now (at least three times this one).
Moving children from a school where they're settled and happy is a massive wrench and I still feel guilty about it. The DCs of my old friends have come up through state secondaries with good groups of friends and gone off to various universities; their parents are living in house worth a tremendous amount of money (okay money isn't everything but that's what I told myself all those years ago and believe me, knowing you could downsize and still have a retirement fund brings a lot of mental freedom).
I know from my own experience that the school gate years pass by very quickly and before you know it you'll have minimal, if any, contact with these shallow people but your DD will have found her own lovely circle and you won't think twice about them. Don't let vapid twats force you to change yours and your DD's lives.

We have to move eventually as the flat really couldn't fit a teenager. The walls are so cardboardy that the poor girl would have no privacy from her embarrassing mum and dad. I do realise that once we do move out that We won't ever afford to return to London but if it means That we can live somewhere with more space and where I could feel normal more than I'd be willing to make that change.

thisismeusernameything - I suppose I am a bit sad...but more embittered about my situation. And the idea of the t shirt made me laugh I'd love to get one. When are you going to start selling them? 😀 💐
And secondaryquandary I agree fully. Life is too short for this kind of shit 💩

I find it really hard to believe that these parents aren't organising play dates because your house is too small

I totally believe this is possible. People can be so snobby it's unreal. I live in an area where people are very aspirational and do not want to associate with people who do not live up to their ideals of wealth.

There was a good series on TV on class - All in the best possible taste which basically showed the 3 classes and said those who were uncertain and in the middle and trying to be a bit posher were the ones fussing over all this - the aspirational middles; whereas upper middles and properly posh couldn't care less, wear clothes with holes in and drive ancient cars and probably a lot easier to get on with... looking down at my knickers with holes in as I type..... and my grotty car outside.

Come to my small town in Scotland. Nobody gives a shit about social status or the state of your finances, everyone is friendly.

I think the ' face fitting' thing has got worse over the years. I have never felt that I have fitted in anywhere- lived where I am now for 10 years and although there are plenty of normal people around, most have always lived here , went to school here etc and made me feel like an outsider for most of this decade. Luckily the children settled in and made friends at school/ college but I have tended to stay in touch with old friends who are pretty spread around the county and my dh works 7 miles away and tends to socialise with them, they also live all over the place. I think I would have struggled even more if it had been 'really posh' like the lady above in Suffolk - had a second cousin who moved to Suffolk and she said they would not speak to her, she ended up moving it was so bad. I love telling people where I was brought up and where my dad/ friends still lives, they look horrified, yet there is a more of a community / less snobbery there than I have encountered here! its so weird about areas and class and so on - I cannot get my head around most of it at all. I hope you can find somewhere to go where you do feel at home - it is true though, once the children start at secondary school a lot of this wanes and you don't have to put up with the cliques and the stupidity of the school gate and the children tend to socialise out of the home too.

Maybe I'm just naive too, but could it be you are projecting due to unhappiness about where you live? I'm struggling with the concept of people not talking to uou because uou have a small house.😞

OP - school cliques can be awful, I can understand you're wanting to try a different area.

But don't be fooled into thinking moving to an area where people earn less is all that's needed. Cliques exist all over the place - whether they're driven by income, race or armies of SAHMs gossiping about who hasn't devoted time to decorating the church hall (and did I mention faith school cliques?).
Its about finding the clique that suits you best.

Don't underestimate the potential value of (real) diversity - the popularity of UKIP didn't grow in SW London but it grew in Cornwall (before anyone jumps down my throat I'm not knocking the Cornish).

The myth of the 'salt of the earth, hearts of gold poor' only exists in tv programmes. Poorer people are just as capable of being mean, excluding and unfriendly as wealthier people. And wealthy people are just as capable of being caring, altruistic and welcoming as poorer people.

As others have suggested, a school where most parents work can be a good idea.

Kids do say the most ridiculous things. A friend of my eldest DC, aged about 7, said he couldn't go in the bedroom because he was afraid of cupboards and it was too small. It is a perfectly acceptable room ion a completely normal house: not even particularly pokey, but he lives in a particularly large house (an Elizabethan Manor). I breezily said, 'Oh well, you don't have to come if the house is too small for you. Shall we go down and have some tea?' When his Mum came to collect him he turned to me and said 'Thank you so much for having me. Please ignore what I said about the tiny room. I'd love to come again.' Lovely boy, lovely manners, opened mouth and let thoughts out without engaging brain at all!
I think I'm trying to say that you shouldn't take the children's comparisons to heart: they just say what pops into their heads and don't think about the ramifications. The exclusion thing is harder: is it really that they dried up or is it that your child plays with a different group now who don't really do playdates because the parents are working full time or they just don't like other people's children? Does she still get included in class parties for example?
We're in rural Northants/Cambs border and it's a lovely mix of people if you are looking to escape this far!

I used to live in SW London and met local girls at the antenatal group. Once the babies were born, we used to meet up at each other's houses. Everyone else got sniffy about my house because they had done their houses up and we hadn't. So, even though we lived in the same type of house, same street, I was inferior because my carpets were older.

Hate people like that. OP - it's them, not you.

The coast can be just as bad god forbid you sound "too posh" in some areas you will be a social pariah, I was for years. Apparently speaking properly is a crime!
I would just ignore them to be honest, maybe try an activity outside the borough...

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. Relationships can be tricky with school mums. I would hate to think that you feel forced to move because of this though. You and your daughter have as much right to be in that school as anybody else. Please don't take 6 year old comments to heart. They really have no filter. Use it as an opportunity to teach your dd that material things are not that important and you are rich in other ways - family, friends, fun, love, time.

I can relate. What I would say is that it got easier as mine got older, particularly when they neared secondary school age.

It is temporary - that having to go to the school twice a day, although I know it seems like forever sometimes. My dc are well liked and do well at school, despite being considerably less wealthy than the majority. Although they were left out of a lot in the early days.

I think fitting in is something in your own head a lot of the time. I've noticed here that it isn't actually about your wealth, it's almost about how you market yourself. Over time I have a network of people around me who don't care about those kinds of things - but it took a long time. And there were many moments where I desperately wanted to move away.

I feel much better about it now. We are who we are. Take us or leave us. And I don't have to go to that bloody school every day - that's a big factor. There's a great big world outside of it.

People are funny about their dc when they're little I think. They want them to find them the "right" sort of friends. As time goes on they become their own person and pick their own friends.

Yes six year olds made comments about our home. The same dc don't now they're older. They've got through the boastfulness stage. And they're far more concerned about whether you like Minecraft or dancing or whatever than how big your house is.

So just to say we rode through the storm so to speak and it is better on the other side.