AIBU to want to move home because I don't fit in

[Justbecauseitsso]

From the title I've made it sound like I'm a giant living in a too small house 😊.

What I want to say is that I live in an extremely affluent area where my dd goes to the local primary school with the majority of other kids who live in million pound homes. We live in a small maisonette that's too cramped for the three of us in my family. Since starting her school every time my dd has one of her little friends round they without a doubt will make a comment about our little flat. "Where's the second floor?" is a common one or "I've never been inside a flat before!" Or "I can't eat off this dining room table it's too small". I know that these are comments made by 6 year olds and I as an adult I should let them wash over me but then I'll inevitably get the look of badly repressed shock on parents' faces when they come to pick up their kids. Sometimes that'll be the end of anymore play dates from them because they strangely stop talking to me at the school gates.

I have written a couple of threads but name changed since for reasons of not wanting to out myself. But the advice was mainly to have the play dates and the nicer families would stick around and the mean ones who cold shouldered me would not be worth knowing anyway. The only problem is that it is all so cliquey where my dd goes to school that now we seem to be branded and become complete outsiders. Invites have dried up and my confidence is so knocked that it's too hard for me to ignore it anymore. Now I just want to move away to a place that doesn't measure a person solely from the size of their house or whether they make as much money as them or are so absorbed in material wealth that they can't see past it and to more important qualities in a person like being kind, trustful, interesting etc. please if you live in such a place could you tell me where it is and I will move there within the year!
Or am I just letting it all get to me too much?

My son has just left a primary school in SW London beginning with B. I've lived in the area all my life and have seen the changes both positive and negative. I found quite a bit of snobbery, especially to those that were not as well off. We live in a lovely 2 bed flat, but I always felt my son didn't have as many play dates because of it.
It's a pity when materialism appears more important than being a nice person.

Come to South Wales. I lived in London till I was 22 when I went with my flatmate to her home near Cardiff. Within two months I'd moved from London to that town.
I spoke "posh" but no-one cared.
There is life outside London! Good schools, open spaces, much cheaper houses, good quality of life for all.

That's disgusting of the parents. People live in all kinds of places. I live in a pretty big house and I have always gone to a lot of effort to make sure the children know we are exceptional not the norm and you can be happy in all kinds of house sizes. I am very keen that the children seem children who live in flats etc

I suspect one answer is work full time. I always did so never had to get involves in much stuff like play dates or having to be friends with people just because their child was in the same class!

I was on a train going home past a posh bit of the county ( not where i live! ) last summer. the secondary school girls got on , all perfect hair and posh rucksacks and preceeded to talk about house prices! So i can believe a 6 year old mentioning your table.
Its so sad, some of these children will grow up sneering at the normal folk and being completely isolated from the real world. Its also sad you feel you need to move, although I can totally see why you feel this way. It should be about the person, not what they have or which car they drive etc. i wager a bet a lot of this wealth is all 'smoke and mirrors ' anyway, or they were just lucky with inheritence! Hold your head up high. You sound lovely.

Aaargh! Not much I can add that's useful, but this makes my toes curl and I really sympathise. We live in an increasingly posh area and will tick all the boxes (ooh, get us!), but it's not the environment I came from originally, and I hate the idea of kids growing up around those attitudes. If you're serious about moving and really can go anywhere, I would add another vote for Cardiff - brilliant city, lovely people, some v good schools, infinitely more affordable than SW London! Very few people there give a f**k about kitchen islands. Barry Island, on the other hand - lush day out! Good luck.

I wish you ladies lived around here, you all sound lovely and it would make moving away definitely not an option ☺️ 💐

Hi Op you sound better off without friendships with these parents.
By the way my dc are a little older and their friendships are independent of mine now, they choose friends from the area, from school from brownies e.t.c. They know about differences and choose friends quite well I think? Open heartedly I mean.
One point, there can be different groups at one school. The working parents might not be obvious at your school gates, but they might be more compatible with you, you might be able to access play dates via that group?

I'd think about moving. Not the kind of people I would like my children growing up with.

SE London is better, tho not perfect.

Which part of EA do you live in orange?

They have Saturday hangings on the green for people that don't shop in Waitrose and have at least three horses here.

You do sound so great. I'm bloody minded. Why should these horrid people shove you out. If the school is good stick it out.

And before I'm jumped on for stealth boasting. I'd like to point out that I'm a Yorkshire girl that stands out like a sore thumb

I know how you feel, the village the kids school is in as well as the next village which also feeds the school were both in the top poshest places to live! Everyone owns massive cottages in the area, horses, range rovers and BMWs/Mercedes and go on several holidays a year (slinging Feb half term, Florida in summer and a 'cheeky 'little bit of sun in October half term - Caribbean/cape verde etc)
We rent, and can barely afford a U.K. Camping holiday!

Although I have to day apart from a small amount of snobby ones a lot of the parents are actually lovely if not a little naive about how us normal people live.

I'd move to a more relaxed and diverse area. I'm afraid your DD would end up miserable in her 'naice' school

Where in sw London? (Pm me if you want). I'm sw London born and bred and my bit's not like that at all! Move here!! We're probably going to have to move away and I don't want to as its so lovely and friendly!

thisis I'm in Suffolk. Are you north Norfolk by any chance?!

Come to Tooting! Seriously it's lovely here and nice and diverse. We are refuges from Clapham Junction (yes my DD went to a school beginning with B) and it's much more normal round here. I can't believe how annoying the last few years there were as more and more bankers moved in.

We have a lovely common, fantastic cheap curry, a proper market (unlike northcote road which is just pricy tat in whicker baskets now) and a cocktail bar for when you feel fancy. Much cheaper housing too.

Are people really that shallow that they won't mix with others because they live in a small house/flat

And what's the comment about guardian readers got to do with anything (not you OP)

There must be people here on MNwho are on the other side and should therefore come and explain themselves.

How old is your DD?

How disappointing that people are so shallow

An example from the other side of this.

BILs colleague moved to where we live, and I bumped into his DW at a baby group. I thought she was lovely, and chatted to her every time we saw each other. Mentioned we must meet up for a coffee/play date and swapped numbers.

Then out of the blue I heard they'd moved back to Essex to be near her family. The story was we're all snobs here and looked down on her because of her Essex accent. No one wanted to be friends or meet up. I was really quite surprised.

The reality was lots of us 'villagers' are quite shy, and feel a bit dowdy compared to the glamorous London 'expats'. The DW was a 6ft willowly model-esque type, who wore amazing clothes, perfect make-up and a huge rock of a ring to baby groups. Her appearance intimidated people who felt she would judge them! Also, most of us have more than one dc so are pretty busy. Meeting up for coffee doesn't happen much, not because we don't want to but because we don't have time.

I wish I'd known how she felt as I feel really bad.

So, it is entirely possible that OP isn't seeing the whole picture.

Some great responses, if it were me, I'd move.

I grew up all over the shop, posh private boarding school, abroad, local comp. I've never "fit in". When we had a million pound house and I went to the posh boarding school, I wasn't cool or rich enough. No pony? Pah. When I lived abroad, I was the weirdy foreigner. When I went to the comp most people were already in cliques.

What if taught me is that I feel happier in some places than others. I despise Keeping up with the Joneses, and have a town nearby to where I live that's like that. I'll happily shop there occasionally but no way would I live there, couldn't stand it. I choose the slightly more scruffy, down at heel village, where people are friendly and way less judgemental.

Life's too short for this shit.

No orange. Although I have friends there that tell me hilarious stories about their very wealthy neighbours. I'm in very rural Suffolk. The majority of people here have bought their pile from selling up in London. It's very different from when DH was a boy apparently. The nearest town is Sudbury which is lovely but full of normal houses and normal people.

I remember reading your posts before OP. I know you've name changed but I recognise you as you always seem so sad.

Please do whatever it takes to make yourself happy.

Oh and buy a tshirt that says do you think I give a fuck what you think of me. That'll really give them something to talk about.

OP, if you sell the place and move away, you won't ever be able to move back to a similar area. So think about it well, it will be a one-way street if you do it. If you have different priorities from the people around you, why does it bother you what they think of your house? Do you want those people in your house? Do you want to be in theirs? Then?

Your DD won't always be in nursery or primary school. She'll go to secondary before you blink twice and then the school gate cliques and playdate complications will fade but you'll still live in a nice area. I would not move.

I ceond the comments about the working parents being the group you might find easier to get on with. Many of those housewife women don't earn a penny and married their men for their wallets and show off about money. Full time working women are a different kettle of fish.

I just knew you lived in SW London!

I find it really hard to believe that these parents aren't organising play dates because your house is too small.
Not disbelieving you, just think you might be reading more into it. Or maybe I'm just ever hopeful. Or naive
I'm in SW London and haven't come across this snobbery and shallowness even in private schools