Just found out my cousin died. Via Facebook.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Abu to think.people should bloody wait until family and close friends have been told before posting loads of messages? She lived in a different country so there is a time difference. Another cousin had phoned my mum as soon as was sensible (7am) and she was just about to phone me.

Wtf is wrong with people?!

To be fair, it's probably the only way i'd find out if something happened to any of my family, other than parents/brothers/nieces/nephews.
I have nothing in common with my extended family, except blood.

But its pretty crappy to find out via social media if you do get on well with your family :(

When my DH died suddenly, I contacted all those whose phone number we had; everything else went on his Facebook. Sometimes it's all there is. Not clear from the OP that there was any other way..

We live in a different country, and the only moany posts came from people who had never sent their phone numbers.

Still others who will get this news with a Christmas card. The ones they never reciprocated. In ten years.

Our friends' son took his own life. They found out via the police, but it turned out that the "mates" who found him had F/B-ed it before they had been informed.

And my DH found out that his only brother had died when he went into the butcher's and someone commiserated with him. His bitch SIL hadn't let him know.

That's awful OP. Social media and personal news is always a difficult road to tread.
I gave birth to my 3rd DD a few years ago and the labour was so quick and went so well I immediately took a picture and posted it on facebook. I felt so euphoric at the time.

My parents and inlaws were not happy and I don't blame then to be honest. My mum saw it on her newsfeed! My inlaws had distant relatives ringing them and saying how cute their new grandchild was.
It's a minefield.

I think you should comment when you find out this way ... to make the stupid person who posted actually stop and THINK.

I called the community site, posted on the forum and emailed the webmaster of the three online places discussing our father's death.

In no case do I think they were stupid. I think the commentators that knew of our existence assumed somebody would have told us. Those that knew him for years, but had no idea he had children .. well, no fault there.

I was looking for confirmation that it was wrong. That it was idle, misinformed gossip. That somebody hadn't checked their facts and it was all some horrible mistake. And part of it was this roaring rage I had never felt before, I was in a pain that had become so strong it was physical. And I wanted them, the inadvertent bearers of incorrect bad news, to hurt right alongside me. In retrospect, considering that it was (allegedly) accurate information. I think it was no bad thing that I let them know in a memorable fashion that they had been unwitting messengers of a father's death to the children he left behind.

Becuase it's quite possible the generation that contains my siblings and I are the vanguard. The first generation where family norms had significantly changed, now in a time where their parents are elderly and there are unexpected ramifications for communications being instantaneous.

But after us comes younger generations. Where there is even more prevalence of a stretching of bonds, a loss of former closeness and presence in each other's lives.

I would like to see charities, community forums and professional bodies tracking former members to be aware that the old norms where "obviously all close family will have been informed" can no longer be relied upon. They need the opportunity think about what protocols they might want to use in terms of identifying users by their full/real name upon their death, for example. They need strategies to avoid their employees being left at the sharp end.

God know the poor charity manager who started her Monday morning with a distraught woman on the end of the phone, wanting to know "Why are you saying my dad is dead ?" could have done with some in house support and guidance of her own.

And if they learn new protocols and create strategies , then maybe that will trickle down to SM.

If that doesn't happen, then I think in time we will see increasing numbers of children, parents, former spouses, siblings of one kind or another, finding out from internet chatter that somebody they still love, even if bonds have been stretched to their limits, has died. And they are the last to know.

And 9 months on, I am of the opinion that most people could do without the additional pain of that, on top of the already very complicated kind of grief.
.

It's horrible finding out like that. I found out my uncle had died by reading on Facebook about how well his funeral had gone. I then spoke to my mum and brother and neither of them had been told either (not close to them so wondered if they knew and just hadn't told me)

edit-

I thought, but failed to write, the first line of my post..

"I think you make a valid point about letting people know how it feels to find out this way.."

2Kids. Yes. My friend's son died in a motorcycle accident and was pronounced dead at the scene - very local, near a busy pub. I can't even allow myself to imagine what it must have felt like to wake up to that. My mind won't go there. Huge sympathies for you, your friend and DH

ipost. This. This a hundred times over. . Your post absolutely explains it with decorum and empathy, but also with experience.

Of course, you should never learn that your child, parents or siblings, any family you are close to - have passed away on FB written by a complete stranger. It's awfully sad. You call them immediately, you don't wait for hours if you are going to do so.

However, what is obvious is that some people are so self-centered they believe they should be a hierarchy of news and get offended because they didn't get told first. I am afraid when a family deals with the worst news of their life, they shouldn't have to be told that Aunty x is offended because didn't get told before cousin z. It's not the time, it's not the place. People used to pay for ads in the papers (some still do), social media are just quicker. Families have enough grief to deal with, having a tantrum because you thought you should be first to know is not right.

they believe they should be a hierarchy of news and get offended because they didn't get told first

I'm not convinced it is automatically a case of being offended. And I think the "hierarchy of grief" has long been established, for good reason.

For example, where I live we still have Death Notices. A big board in several locations in the village. An A3 poster with name, photos and message from family. Goes up a couple of days after the loss. This is a very old practice. It is to let the greater community know, AFTER family and close friends have been informed personally.

Those closest to the grief aren't the main messengers. They tell one or two members of the extended family, who go and see (if at all possible) the people who will be better off hearing it face to face, from somebody who empathises with the fact it is not emotionally neutral news. And then those people go on (or delegate others) to do the same for the next layer of people who would be better off with a personally delivered, and empathetic message of bad news. An empathy that also provides comfort for the messenger, due to the shared nature of the loss.

It's pretty civilised. Not perfect, cos humans are involved, and they don't do perfect. But it's pretty robust as a system. And has served its purpose well.

I can't see the value of superceeding something like that with a mode that leads to a cousin, an aunt, an in law, a friend, who (while perhaps not about to be devastated beyond all belief), could have done without cranking up facebook and then promptly chocking on their coffee at horrible, and personal news, treated like "this is today's disposable emoticon fest" on SM.

Death is ... tricky. It can stir up emotions one didn't know one had. Dignity can be in short supply for many of the humans involved when the message is shared, so where it can be preserved, with kindness and tact, we are probably better off hanging onto to the traditions that allowed us to do achieve that, as much as is possible.

My uncle very nearly found out that his mum had died via Facebook.

My grandma was very poorly in hospital. We were with her but my uncle was on a flight from across the world, trying to get to her in time. Unfortunately she died while he was still flying. My dad informed immediate family (including his other brother) and one of my cousins put it on FB at around the same time as my uncles flight was getting in 😡.

Thankfully, I was able to send a strongly worded message to her before he saw it and she removed it.

It's definitely a grief competition.

I don't think it was malicious as such, and certainly wouldn't have objected had it been by private message or if a close relative had made an announcement, but it wasn't that, it was friends posting pictures angels etc. Less than 12 hours after she died.

I can't see the value of superceeding something like that with a mode that leads to a cousin, an aunt, an in law, a friend, who (while perhaps not about to be devastated beyond all belief), could have done without cranking up facebook and then promptly chocking on their coffee at horrible, and personal news, treated like "this is today's disposable emoticon fest" on SM.

Very well said.

There is a hierarchy in death. My friend, greatly missed, was closer to another friend of mine, and I know it affected her more than me. Therefore, if she wants to do the remembrance Facebook post, or whatever she needs, I let her, and grieve in private myself out of respect. Because it's not place to take it over.

Well of course if you are estranged then you probably wouldn't expect to get a phone call or personal message. But that's not what this op is about is it?

I think we all know someone who has to know everything and be the first to tell.

My SIL is like this.When my dad died,my aunt got a phonecall to say he had died.So we where down in Sils house and i was feeding the baby.My aunt told my partner but before he had a chance to say anything to me.My sil flies in with the news and tells me.

My dp tore strips off her,saying i wasnt her place to tell me.Some people just love to be part of the drama.

So sorry for your loss OP. That's a harrible way to find out. I had a smiliar experience last year when I found out via Facebook that my uncle had lung cancer (and had had half a lung removed)..... I was horrified that no one had bothered to tell me in person before it was plastered all over the internet. I'll never forgive my cousin for not telling me.

Well of course if you are estranged then you probably wouldn't expect to get a phone call or personal message

I guess that depends on your personal perspective. I know I would not have allowed our father to learn one his children had died by belatedly stumbling upon the information online. I would have let somebody close to him know, and let them inform him in person. As rocky as our history was, I would have wanted to make sure he had the space to take in the news in the least distressing way possible. Because for all his faults, he was our father, we were his children. I remember a time when I know he loved us. So...there is no guarentee one of us dying would have resulted in "What's for dinner ?".

But that's not what this op is about is it?

The OP is about how changes in communications may be impacting social norms when it comes to a bereavement.

Considering the extent to which the concept of "what consistitutes family" has altered, and how fewer people tend to stay where they were born to the same extent, the OP relates to something we are likely to see more of. Not only extended family finding out about a family member's death, expected or otherwise, via facebook. But also, in the future, the rise of the estranged, left behind, alienated, or simply "living in another time zone" child learning of a parent's death, fifth hand, online.

Or vice versa, because not all children outlive their parents.

I don't subscribe to the view that Anglophone countries are "bad at dealing with death" compared to everybody else. There are pros and cons of the various systems all over the globe. However, if we don't pause & have a think, but instead shift to a system of social norms that offers

-very peripherally connected people the opportunity to pay their respects with a within minutes of a death

-treats ever more dismissively those with a memorable, rooted connection, to the extent that a horrible shock via facebook is deemed "good enough"

then ... I think we might start to deserve our "bad at dealing with death" reputation.

This happened to me too. I couldn't believe it because he was only 22. So I phoned my mum and said have we head from aunty X in the US because I've read on Facebook that my cousin might not be well (I didn't say it said RIP all over his page) at that point because I didn't want to shock mum. She was at work and i know she would not have been able to handle the news. We did eventually get the inevitable call. My heart sank it was so awful and so sad

I found out that my grandmother had died on Facebook (from my cousin's newsfeed). On the one hand it wasn't very nice, but actually it turned out to be a bit of blessing in disguise: when my mum rang to tell me she couldn't get the words out so being able to say 'it's ok, you don't have to say, I know' was maybe for the best. I think there are very different cultures around these things, though. My brother and I thought it was a bit crass that my cousins put these things all over Facebook and posted constantly about the funeral, missing her, etc. On the other hand I think they saw the fact we didn't do this as a (further) sign that we're cold and a bit stuck-up.

There was a tragic accident locally last week. The poor lady who died was well known in the community and the circumstances were slightly unusual and shocking.
First people started reporting on Facebook about the accident "ooh lots of sirens, hope nobody's hurt etc" then more details started to emerge.

A Facebook acquaintance then realised she knew the poor lady who had died and actually tagged her in a post, describing the circumstances, and as if that weren't bad enough, people started discussing it all at length in the comments.

It was the most unbelievably insensitive thing I've ever seen. I went to message her to let her know what I thought but someone else must have got there first and she deleted it.

Somewhere along the way we've lost some decency and consideration for others.

Op, what I really should have said there is that I'm sorry for your loss.

I've just managed to catch up. So sorry to anyone else who has been through this.

To clarify,a Facebook 'announcement' would have been fine, rather than many cryptic posts and awful pictures /quote.

So sorry for your loss.
I am another one with a fb story. Grandfather died 2 years ago, DH saw my aunts post on Fb, as did my sister, after a few hasty emails we realised that DM had no idea that her DF had died, and we decided to leave telling her until the morning. (It was midnight and we knew she would be asleep) DM closed her Fb account the next morning. Awful way to find out.