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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want to remove my ILs from my life?

54 replies

dontshout · 21/11/2016 01:11

My head is completely muddled and I don't know what I can do anymore. I've honestly tried but I don't think these people can be part of my life. I've no problem with their relationship with my DH or DC.

I could get into the ins and outs of it but there is too much. I feel as if there is too much history to mend it.

They're completely different people to what I've ever witnessed or who I am. That's fine. But they completely undermine me and make me feel little. I just feel horrible about myself and I feel as if my family would have an easier life without me causing this fuss.

I'm sorry I'm rambling and this is not even beginning to explain things but I just need someone to talk to. Is it possible for me to remove them from my life, or should I just put up and shut up? I need to do something as I can't deal with all their comments running around my head.

OP posts:
ClarissaDarling · 21/11/2016 08:07

OP do you follow any dietary restrictions that they might not 'get' my gm does not get vegetarianism/vegans and has belief that unless a meal has 'meat and veg' you will starve, despite lots of info re pulses etc she still holds this belief (and a whole load of other ones.....)

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 21/11/2016 08:14

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this at the moment. I can't believe everyone saying 'maybe it's justified, they sound caring' though! No, they don't!

If my MIL thought for one moment that I was unwell or struggling, the last thing she'd do would be to get in my face and have a row with me about it! She'd probably bring it up discreetly with my husband, to check he was supporting me and to ask if there was anything she could do. She wouldn't barge into my house, and she definitely wouldn't tell me I was 'sick' to my face!

These people are horrible. Stay away from them and don't give them a key. It's not their house! I'm not surprised you're so anxious with this constant bullying going on.

HandbagCrazy · 21/11/2016 08:28

I think the mistake you have made here is trying to explain why you're setting boundaries.

You seem very anxious and down so I think hearing this will help you. You have every right to a peaceful and happy life. Your in laws have no right to demand anything from you.

Why don't you take some time and think calmly about how you want things to be, then tell your husband. You'll find lots of posters here who no longer see their in laws. If you're happy for DH to see them without you let him know, but I really wouldn't push that if your DH doesn't want to- if he chooses to stand by your decision, let him. Flowers

BertrandRussell · 21/11/2016 08:31

When they say they want a key "in case something happens" what do they mean?

furryminkymoo · 21/11/2016 08:36

Won't ever give my in laws a key to my home. They live a long way away but my SIL lives very close to them and won't give them a key either.

It sounds hard work, if I was you I would go minimal contact, meet in public places for a set time. See how that goes before going no contact?

Julius02 · 21/11/2016 08:43

They may be going about it in a very clumsy way but they do sound concerned for your health. Is there someone in RL you could talk to about this?

shovetheholly · 21/11/2016 08:54

I don't think you need to remove them from your life - I think you need to learn to be assertive with them and set some very clear boundaries without feeling anxious about that (this is a learning process). You absolutely don't have to have people just turning up and wandering around your house! But you do have to say 'no' in a clear, firm but kind manner.

QueenArseClangers · 21/11/2016 08:55

"If you are not eating properly maybe she has a point about your breast milk not being enough for your baby. You need to eat a balanced diet to produce balanced breast milk."

Tups that really is factually incorrect shite.

musicghostly · 21/11/2016 08:55

I'm going to try to say this gently.

I had anorexia as an adult. I told everyone I was fine. I got very angry at any intervention from any relatives. I said I was dealing with it - because underneath, I wanted to stay thin. I'm a huge champion of breastfeeding, but if I'd been feeding a baby through it, I'd probably be dead by now.

I'm not defending the way your inlaws are going about it, or about them making you feel small. But I suspect they are very anxious about your health.

If you're not dealing with it with an outside professional, I'd strongly suggest you get outside help. If it's anorexia it's hard to beat and kills a huge percentage of its sufferers. With young DC you don't want to be one of them.

QueenArseClangers · 21/11/2016 08:56

kellymom.com/nutrition/mothers-diet/mom-diet/

BertrandRussell · 21/11/2016 09:03

I can understand why many people are focusing on the in law issue.

But, donshout, there are so man,y worrying red flags in your posts. Please make sure that you aren't using their insensitivity to avoid dealing with other issues in your life. There is plenty of help out there. If you need it, take it.

WetNovemberDay · 21/11/2016 09:08

I completely understand you and I'm in the process of cutting my MIL out but dh and dc still be involved with her.
I've had 20 years of sly comments and worse. My fil is now dead but it hit me about 2 years ago that Mil and fil actually subjected me to bullying. All very sly, behind clised foors and outvof earshot of others. Vile nasty and v v self centred people. They have never done anything nice for us and always taken from us on all levels. They picked fights and threw tantrums about random shit all the time. Phoning us in June to complain about the mess the kids left at their house the Xmas before etc.
Mil has been increasingly attention seeking and full of bullshit since fil died. At first I thought I'd try to be kind but she lies and stirs things up. Plays me and sil against each other without success.
I became ill. Something 18 months ago just snapped inside me.
Its been gradual but as she lives 180 miles away it's easy to have nothing to do with her. I never answer the phone to her now. Not ever.I Let dh deal with her.
I don't go and visit and only saw her for 3 hours boxing day last year at bil&sil's house .
This Xmas my husband is going to stay with her on his own I gave the dc the choice and they want to stay at home. Unfortunately dh went away last week with work and gets back to the UK Xmas eve. We won't see him until 27th or 28th Dec. He's going straight to his mums from the airport Xmas eve.

People will think I'm a bitch but can fuck off Imo as they aren't they he ones who've been subjected to the years of bitching and abuse.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/11/2016 09:18

Here's the problem about people like this: they make others think there's a problem.

It's very hard to prove a negative, and why should you have to prove it just because these people are determined to undermine you for their own weirdy power games.

Why is it acceptable that they can question your sanity to the point where you somehow have to 'prove' you're not ill? Or force you to 'prove' your fitness to be a parent, which sounds like its under question for no particular reason?

The way they are behaving is disgusting. And it's certainly not the way to behave if they really had grounds to think you needed help. Screaming battles where they use any perceived issues as traction to help themselves in a position of control and dominance over you? Not exactly conducive to good mental health. But would allow them to push and push until you are in a heightened state of anxiety and panic.

Not benign or just worried, from what you've said. Gas lighting and very unpleasant indeed.

Your reaction to them being horrible and not in the slightest bit helpful is to defend your boundaries. That's the right thing to do, even if it feels very hard and they push harder and harder. Having no key keeps them at bay. Giving in would allow them to continue their campaign of awfulness.

On a completely separate topic, if you find your anxiety doesn't go away once you're not fighting them for your basic right to have privacy and self agency in your own home, then maybe go see your gp?

And the same about eating. I'd be very careful about what your own relationship with food is teaching your children. But then, I'm not sure how difficult you find food as you mainly comment on your in laws reaction which is hardly the most balanced perspective! But I would keep an eye on it, but takethis topic far away from the whole nightmare in law thing. It would be easy to get so focused on their awfulness that you end up letting things drift when there is help available. I'm not saying this because of a 'no smoke without fire' effect of your in laws terrible behavior, but as a totally separate thing in case it's something you want to think about after dealing with the in law situation.

But dealing with them is a priority. You need to protect yourself against them, and if that means not seeing them then yes, I think it's a good idea. Though I'd question whether that will really help if they're that determined to be spiteful and cruel. Will they start to demand your dh & children celebrate special days with them and you get excluded? Or will they carry on dropping poison into your dh's ears that he can't deal with? Especially in front of your children?

I think you and your dh need to think carefully before you do anything. And he needs to focus on protecting you from situations like this one. And whether he's giving the wrong message by letting them push you out of the family by excluding you from seeing them?

Good luck

blueskyinmarch · 21/11/2016 09:18

I think it sounds like they are worried about you but are not dealing with it in a way you find appropriate for your needs or state of mind at the moment. Families tend to deal with things very differently. My family are an all out in the open, say what they think, sort of family. DH’s family are a bury their heads in the sand, don’t even mention sort of family. Neither are right or wrong, just different. You and your DH need to find a middle way to cope with this to ensure appropriate boundaries are kept.

dontshout · 21/11/2016 09:42

I've been reading all the replies and taking them in. I suppose you could say they have reason for concern. MIL used to communicate with me regularly (phone and text) as DH had a job which he could be working nights and sleeping at random times. Since DH got a new job which I didn't see the need to answer the phone to her and listen to her be condescending to me. So I have created a distance but they said they see that as me cutting them off. And the have been in my life when I've had difficult times but I have not suffered from either of these since when I was pregnant first. I could honestly not loose or gain an ounce of weight and she'll comment on my weight or that I look sick. I also should add, I was vegetarian before but not for a while now and my DH and DC never have been. I honestly don't see my habits rub off on them. Either does the doctor/ nurse.

I feel like when they are highly involved in my life is when I actually get down and feel I know it's not good for myself so they probably will never witness me while I feel my best.
This is why I feel it would be best to not have them in my life. But I don't see how it's possible, I honestly think about them last and first thing everyday.

OP posts:
dontshout · 21/11/2016 09:44

I forgot to say, DH fully supports me and doesn't have any concerns. I suppose I didn't but, sometimes this situation/ how they make me feel when they're around makes me think this is totally not normal and I probably need to see someone about it. But them not being in my life eliminates the problem I think.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 21/11/2016 11:18

Here's the problem about people like this: they make others think there's a problem. It's very hard to prove a negative, and why should you have to prove it just because these people are determined to undermine you for their own weirdy power games

I agree with this entirely. It is very easy for people to ruin your reputation out there simply via words unfortunately. & for people to believe them.

blueturtle6 · 21/11/2016 12:06

Yanbu, keep distancing your self, let him take dcs to visit which also gives you a break.
I've lost count of the times my dh has said I never have to visit my ILs again,but I have a tough hide and no mental health issues, so its more frustrating than upsetting to me.

pklme · 21/11/2016 16:43

Sounds like a plan dontshout. Glad your DH is supportive. Stick to your guns.

FRETGNIKCUF · 21/11/2016 16:52

My ils made me feel like an unwelcome guest in my own home from day one.
They talked about Dh's exgf who called them Mum and Dad,
They would have a go at me when DH was out and ,make out I'd made it all up
They accused me of lying about all sorts
Disregarded normal etiquette, would turn up for the weekend on a Thurs and stay until Tues, never checking first.
Brought their cats who infested my house with fleas.
Ruined DIY as FIL was an expert, he was shit and we paid him
Then disregarded all my rules, like don't pull our 3 month old roughly, or go in and wake the baby.....

got insanely pissed....

Then when DD was 4 I said enough, I'd been with DH for 8 years by then.

They still claim that they've no idea why!

I don't regret it and have't spoken to them for 6 years, DH takes the children to see them (they live hours away) and when I go away they come here.

OP it's your house. They must not have keys and they must call and check it's okay to visit. Tell your DH to grow up and stand beside you.

Julius02 · 21/11/2016 18:35

You say your MIL used to communicate with you regularly when your husband had a job with random hours and since he hasn't you stopped responding as you didn't feel like replying. They felt you cut them off. As a MIL I can see why they feel that.
I'm not defending them, and they sound difficult, but I do think you need to look at things from both sides

slenderisthenight · 21/11/2016 19:58

YANBU.

Stick to your guns. You're not damaging your DP's relationship with his parents. Anyone who criticises a man's wife and tries to get into the middle of someone else's home and marriage will undermine their own relationship with that person.

You're quite right to know what your boundaries are and you're so lucky your DP is standing up for you. Mine didn't at first and it was awful.

slenderisthenight · 21/11/2016 20:02

Very controlling people often dramatically declare they're being cut off when they meet a boundary or two (i.e., they don't have all the access they want and their advice is not listened to/followed). It's one of those things. Don't be taken in. You're probably quite right to feel that the criticism and insinuation that something is wrong with you (and you are 'inadequate') is potentially more damaging to your self-esteem and health than anything positive that they could bring to your life.

Now you are a mum, your children come first. The older generation can get on board supportively or go jump. Them's the rules.

fc301 · 21/11/2016 20:14

They sound like shits, you do not have to see them. The key thing (!) - they cannot treat you with respect elsewhere why the hell should you allow them access to YOUR home.
The best reason for not seeing them is that, as they make you unhappy, you are a better wife and mother without their interference.

PlugUgly1980 · 21/11/2016 20:28

Stick to your guns. My in-laws are overbearing. When I was pregnant and on maternity leave first time round I use to purposefully ignore my mobile and house phone, and then they'd ring DH at work to find out where I was. They'd also want to pop round all the time. They're nice enough people, but can't understand that I actually enjoy time on my own and don't need constant entertainment. They also take it as a slur if I decline a lunch invite or DH takes the DC round for a visit without me. I've slowly distanced myself and they're slowly realising that they can't control me
MIL also always asks for a key, and i just said 'no' as I don't think I could trust her not to turn up unannounced. Stick to your guns, I'm a great believer in looking after yourself.

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