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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be offended and sad with this friends comment

40 replies

MyPeriodFeatures · 20/11/2016 23:12

I'm bi sexual and very single and have been for a couple of years.

I have been chatting with friend about all sorts to do with r/ships and was telling her that a seemingly lovely guy had asked me on a date today and that it really made me realise that I had feelings for this woman (that lives bloody miles away and has a totally different life to mine)

She said, 'what's sex with a woman like, I've heard it's like endless foreplay?'

I had this kind of bullshit in past when I was younger and in LTR. People thinking they can just ask you about the mechanics of the sex you are having.

I feel hurt and wierd and angry and sad like my sexuality is some kind of open book for the curious. I hate it.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 20/11/2016 23:17

People thinking they can just ask you about the mechanics of the sex you are having.

I'm sorry you were unhappy about being asked this. Some of my friends have very frank discussions about their sex lives and will ask each other all sorts of very personal questions. If she's a close friend, maybe she was just curious and didn't think you'd mind being asked, like someone asking if a new boyfriend was good in bed?

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2016 23:20

Errm you're not having sex though, are you?

She's asked someone who presumably knows what it's like to have sex with a woman, what having sex with a woman is actually like.

It's not like she's asked a randomer in the street either, she's asked her friend.

If you can't ask a friend then who can you ask?

Bahhhhhumbug · 20/11/2016 23:20

You are my BY. I detest talking about anything remotely to do with my sex life and people swapping stories with each other etc. I find it very embarrassing and just don't see the need. I'm not a prude by any means but it's very personal private stuff. I dont want to listen to a friends bedroom tales either.

ArmySal · 20/11/2016 23:21

I can't really see anything wrong with asking, if it's a friend?

Bahhhhhumbug · 20/11/2016 23:21

BU sorry

123beanie · 20/11/2016 23:23

In all fairness I'm sure she didn't mean to offend you.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/11/2016 23:28

See I'm happy to discuss sex with my friends. I'd also be open and honest if they had any questions. It's often refreshing to discover that actually other people have ye same hang ups or the same questions or are thinking of trying things but aren't sure etc

If you aren't comfortable with that kind of conversation then just say.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/11/2016 23:30

Oh and would I be curious about sex with a woman? Yes?

But if I knew you well enough to ask you about it then hopefully you'd know me well enough to say you'd rather not say.

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2016 23:30

And come to think of it, you were chatting at the time with a friend about 'all sorts to do with relationships', so I don't think her question was out of place.

Of course you didn't have to answer it, but I'm not sure why you'd feel ' hurt and wierd and angry', given the conversation at the time.

Original poster

MyPeriodFeatures · 20/11/2016 23:41

I think because the talk was about the emotional implications of it all, time, commitment and whether can even be arsed with it. Nothing about sex.

I felt quite a big connection with this woman and to suddenly drop 'oh, what's sex with a woman like'
Just reduces it to bring about her curiosity about sex. It's not about my emotional life anymore, it's about two vaginas in a bed.
I think having had this a lot....'What do you actually do in bed'. 'What's it like having sex with a woman'. 'I googled sex with women after you told me you were with a woman because I wondered what you actually do in bed'.
'Do you get lots of attention from men' 'can I watch'

I hate it. I'm not 14 I'm 38ffs. Coming out was hard enough without this kind of bullshit

OP posts:

comoneileen · 20/11/2016 23:44

You can decline the right to answer, if you feel uncomfortable answering. If she wants more info, she can google it!
With certain friends I feel ok breaching these kind of topics, with other I just don't go there.

Original poster

MyPeriodFeatures · 20/11/2016 23:47

I would never ask a friend if her new partner was good in bed either...Bahhuumbug I agree...

That's just me. It's not my way, if people volunteer this stuff then great, it's about intimacy and that belongs to the person no one else

OP posts:

bbcessex · 20/11/2016 23:48

Did you mean you have feelings for this particular woman? The one who's asked the question?

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2016 23:50

Asking about how to have sex is completely different to asking how good someone is in bed.

Fair enough you're offended, sad, hurt, feeling weird and angry at her question.

But I imagine it was pretty off the cuff and she had no idea a simple question would prompt those feelings.

I hope she knows not to ask in future.

Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming · 20/11/2016 23:51

Some people are comfortable discussing their sex life, others aren't. Women do sometimes talk In quite a lot of detail about specifics, whatever gender their partner is. You don't want to discuss it, which is fine. Just say so, politely!
I think ur reading friendly curiosity as a sort of singling u out for being bi, but i really think it's a sign of ur friends feeling comfortable with that.
People are curious, just change the subject, it needn't be a big deal.

YeOldMa · 20/11/2016 23:52

I can sort of understand why you would feel as if you were in a goldfish bowl with people being so curious but your friend probably wasn't trying to hurt you. If she is a true friend, I am sure she won't mind you explaining why you feel hurt, sad and angry. She will probably be mortified that she has upset you and will learn from this about your feelings.

MissVictoria · 20/11/2016 23:58

I think you're over reacting. She isn't lesbian/bisexual so doesn't know what it is like to sleep with someone the same gender. It's not really any different than a female asking how male arousal feels or a male asking how female arousal feels. We are biologically programmed to desire sex, and its only natural to have curiosity about different types of sex. If you don't want to discuss it simply tell her you're sorry but to ask someone else.
I really don't get why you're offended, she probably didn't mean it as bluntly as it sounded.

Original poster

MyPeriodFeatures · 20/11/2016 23:59

Bbcessex god no! The woman is someone I did a work project with earlier in the year. It was quite an intense piece of work and at the time we didn't connect at all, the opposite! Though had loads to talk about and completely clicked away from the work stuff..

Afterwards, she went back north and I went my way. We vaguely keep contact and then in the summer ... boom...one little exchange and I'm gone! I really really really really like her

It's impossible really but after this guy I know asked me to go for a drink today I started thinking about her again and felt sad and wistful... stupid really because I'm fairly content on my own....

OP posts:

charlestrenet · 21/11/2016 00:10

I get what you mean, OP - it's a limiting question that reduces your sexuality ie your desire, drive and emotional life to which bits you twiddle. I think it's a reflection of society's prurient fascination with the mechanics of sex between people of the same gender and it is crass and intrusive. Straight people are not generally quizzed as to what they do in bed in this manner.

Italiangreyhound · 21/11/2016 00:19

MyPeriodFeatures I think it was a bit of a forward question. However, I am not sure why you could not have just said you did not want to talk about your previous sexual experiences.

RC1234 · 21/11/2016 00:21

If you weren't as interested in her would you feel this so intensely?

It doesn't sound like she is considering a lesbian relationship does it? It was a pretty tactless, but she probably had no idea how you feel. I don't know how you raise it with her without revealing your true feelings which would be awkward what with you being colleagues as well.

Hope you feel better soon.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 21/11/2016 00:33

yabu, not about minding the question but about getting so wound up over it, some people are just open too discussions.

i talk too all my friends about sex, fave positions.. things i hate etc etc

Original poster

MyPeriodFeatures · 21/11/2016 00:34

Rc124 The women who was tactless is a friend.

The women I'm Interested is a completely different person.

Completely! But thanks, charlestrenet gets it.

OP posts:

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 21/11/2016 00:36

I'd be inclined to answer "It depends which woman".

Which would be in the same vein as my answer to "What's sex with a man like?"

LittlePaintBox · 21/11/2016 01:00

But in your OP you say

I have been chatting with friend about all sorts to do with r/ships

so that question didn't come completely out of the blue, did it?

I don't think you're BU to dislike the question, but being offended and sad seems a bit over the top. Most likely she was either trying to move the conversation on, or has always wondered about what it's like having sex with another woman and has absolutely no tact or finesse about finding out. It does sound a bit immature on her part.

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