Furious over mil giving ds so many sweets

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I've asked her and asked her not to but she just doesn't give a fuck. Apparently it's because she 'hardly ever sees him.' She sees him twice a week! He's at school so often does she bloody expect to see him?!

He's 7. When mil comes here in the week it's ok but dh takes him every Sunday afternoon without me. And apparently lets her do what she wants. So typically ds has a large ice cream, two packets of sweets, cake, coke and biscuits. I mean wrf? I've just told dh he can't go again unless she's going to be more sensible. I don't mind ds having a treat but one of those things is plenty. I know why she does it. It's because she knows I'd never let him have all that and she thinks it makes him like her.
I'm so annoyed. He's come home again bouncing off the walls. I know I'm not being unreasonable I'm just so cross about it. And with dh. Why give him all that sugar?
I'm type 1 diabetic and although obviously sugar doesn't cause type 1 if he were (god forbid) to become diabetic he'd have to cut all that out so I'd rather he wasn't used to having it and it's just so bad for him anyway.

This is the kind of thread I want to see resolved. YANBU, OP. Please stand up to her, and to your OP. It's about your child, at the end of the day.

If DH isn't listening and stepping up, and MIL isn't listening, then I'd fight fire with fire.

"Poor grandma, she's very old and doesn't understand things very well. We know, don't we, that it's very bad for you. Mr Dentist has told us it's bad for your teeth Mrs Doctor has explained it's bad for the rest of your body. Poor silly grandma, she's not trying to be mean but she's not good at making choices"

I would never normally disrespect someone in front of a child the way I just described, it is something I feel strongly about having seen BIL talk in front of DNs about my parents, but this has to stop! Teach your son that granny is being a bad granny by giving him unhealthy food.

Practise before he goes (what will you have do you think, an icecream, but not a coke? Cake but not sweets?) Reward him with a treat when he comes home, if he has managed to stay away from the crap. Two treats only.

YANBU
When my daughter was born my mil and gpil made my life so bad (dh facilitated this by insisting we travelled twice weekly the 4 hour round trip to visit them from when dd was 7 days old).

Anyway when she was 6mnths old and being weaned I was feeding her dinner whilst dh grandfather hovered trying to put chocolate buttons in her mouth when I tried to stop this I was told 'nobody tells bampa what to do'. Umm yes I do when it's my child.

I have a mil like this but on a lesser scale.
I would lose the plot at carbonated, caffeinated drinks at 7.
I have actually said to her loving ds would mean you want the best for him. Feeding him junk and teaching him to binge eat is as far from the best you can get.
Now ds comes home with lots of little toys and the odd sticker book. Its far preferable and he is still allowed a biscuit or ice cream but its only one treat not ten!

I would be stopping visits. That is absolutely way way too much sugar. Even spread out over a week it's too much, never mind all packed into one afternoon.

she's very old and doesn't understand things very well.

Not sure that teaching the ds ageism will improve to the situation

Just teach your son how to decline things politely. You could practice with him.

Tell him that you don't want him to be unhealthy-get him to make a list of other treats that aren't sugar based and promise him something if he manages to turn down the sugar avalanche at grandma's.

Stop the visits? Because an otherwise loving grandparent has given a child a too much junk food on one day a week?!

My son is 4.5 and has learning difficulties and severe asd. He has a very restrictive diet (and I mean very, he will only eat bread and a tiny bit of cheese and sometimes sweets, that's it, no meat, no veg ever etc). He is under the care of a dietician and we work very hard to gently encourage him to eat other foods. The dietician has told us to feed him whatever he will eat, whenever he will eat in an attempt to make food something pleasurable for him. Sometimes this has meant he has had 3 magnum ice lollies for dinner. (Which the dietician was actually pleased about because it got some calcium into him)! Unbelievable to many but this is our life. He only ever drinks juice, no water, no milk. If we didn't give him juice he doesn't drink at all and becomes so constipated he needs to use movicol (childrens laxatives which give him a tummy ache). He also takes prescription only vitamins (seravit) because his nutrional intake is so poor. Despite all this he is healthy and thriving and - touch wood- never poorly.

Yes, I know our situation isn't comparable but what I'm trying to say is I do think most parents worry too much. A bit too much sugar once a week in an otherwise healthy diet isn't a big deal, in years gone by sugar was considered to be a huge treat - your mil is part of that generation. It's only our own generation that has demonised sugar.

I do understand your worries given your own health problems but unless your child has the same issues I think you are over worrying.

Lots of children don't have grandparents who want to be involved. I would take the bad with the good and shrug it off.

Mumsnet is well known for being a bit "sugar police" about everything but actually there's a balance somewhere and considering it's just one day a week this happens I think posters saying stop contact are absolutely crazy.

Haven't rtft but the Coke wild piss me off.
Kids don't need caffeine.
DD(11) only has the odd can every once in a while.

So once in a week she wants to spoil him a bit. You are so BU, it has it tattooed on its forehead. Make sure he has a balanced diet for the rest of the week and sort out your issues with your MIL.

I'm genuinely surprised he would consume that much, even if offered. Not one of my kids would want to eat an ice cream, 2 packets of sweets (how big?) cake, coke and biscuits. How do you know he had all that? Were you there? If so, why didn't you say no? If you were not there, how do you know he really had all that?

Like I said, I have 4 dc, I of whom is a total sugar addict, but for sure, even if offered, none of mine would want to carry on eating. They'd maybe have a couple of sweets and not take any more (then a big brother would steal the rest of the packet...) Presumably he also had a meal of real food, in which case I really am not sure I believe he really ate all that.

Can he also not exercise some control. My dd is 8 and if I told her she could have 1 or the other but not both I think she would do that. Tell him not to eat so many sweets.

And tell dh to tell his mum firmly to cut back. It needs to come from him. and from ds. He is able to say no too.

A long visit every single week sounds exhausting, I'd have hated that as a kid, but never mind that really.

If it were a separated parent doing this every single Sunday they'd be called a Disney parent and scoffed at, and their parenting skills massively called into question - but because it's a grandmother people are projecting about themselves and their own beloved grandparents.

She sounds pretty rubbish if she's able to treat you like this, never mind him. Your dh needs to shape up and not let her disrespect you - crucially he also needs to come on board himself - I like the sugar example above.

(One question - is it definitely all that food or is there any chance your little boy is exaggerating? I only ask because we have a little cousin who stretches the truth somewhat sometimes after visits...)

She used to call herself mummy!??? I think giving him something sweet is fine as a treat but that's unhealthy and excessive and a pretty cheap way of trying to buy love. She isn't putting your ds first.

Can't believe how many people think coke at 7 is OK, that deliberately going against a parents wish is OK, that encouraging binge eating is OK and that more people aren't berating DH.

What does DH say he's eaten if you ask?

No it's definitely true I'm afraid. I know because she's got all this stuff out when I have been there and it's only me saying no that's prevented it.
I asked ds what he'd had yesterday because he was bouncing off the the walls when he got home and then had like a major mood crash. He has dyspraxia and is high functioning on the spectrum too if that's relevant. I tend to find sugar affects his behaviour and his mood. He's completely over the top and the he's sullen and irritable.

It just annoys me that I've asked her not to and she still does it. it doesn't benefit ds. I'm not saying she can't give him anything but one or two of those things would be plenty surely? It's two full size packets of things like randoms, jelly tots etc.

Dh needs to Dad up!

YANBU! That is a huge amount of sugar. I find it shocking that your DH would allow it, knowing the effect on your DS's behaviour.

My MIL and my DF are both prone to treating my DS (3.5) but they've come to understand he can have two treats when he's there. So he'd normally have an ice cream/pudding and maybe a small chocolate bar in an afternoon there. DS also knows that the day before we visit MIL he doesn't have sweet stuff to 'make room' for the treats the next day.

Being on the spectrum might mean he would find it difficult to tell white lies - e.g. DD (9) went for a birthday cinema trip & meal out with friends, and was offered coke to drink which she knows we don't let her have. She said she didn't like it and chose OJ instead.

Could you role play something like that with him before he visits next?

YANBU by the way!

It's way too much. Overindulgence is as bad as neglect. I think giving that much crap is worse than not providing lunch at all. You and your DH need to talk about this before he next goes over.

Both sets of GPS do this to compensate for not being around. On two occasions ds has been given a family bag of sweets for a short car journey alone with his gp and has vomited as soon as he's arrived home. I've asked them not to and if there is a third time I will hit the roof. It isn't kind.

I'm worried that your DS is happy to eat all that tbh! I have a similar MiL who would feed the DC a small sweetshop if you she could, but both DC will self regulate and realize when it's excessive. It would be better for you to focus on helping DS understand when to stop ...

Yes he struggles because he absolutely loves sweets. It's presented as a treat to him too. Like 'you're a good boy you can have x'