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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious over mil giving ds so many sweets

101 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 20/11/2016 20:59

I've asked her and asked her not to but she just doesn't give a fuck. Apparently it's because she 'hardly ever sees him.' She sees him twice a week! He's at school so often does she bloody expect to see him?!

He's 7. When mil comes here in the week it's ok but dh takes him every Sunday afternoon without me. And apparently lets her do what she wants. So typically ds has a large ice cream, two packets of sweets, cake, coke and biscuits. I mean wrf? I've just told dh he can't go again unless she's going to be more sensible. I don't mind ds having a treat but one of those things is plenty. I know why she does it. It's because she knows I'd never let him have all that and she thinks it makes him like her.
I'm so annoyed. He's come home again bouncing off the walls. I know I'm not being unreasonable I'm just so cross about it. And with dh. Why give him all that sugar?
I'm type 1 diabetic and although obviously sugar doesn't cause type 1 if he were (god forbid) to become diabetic he'd have to cut all that out so I'd rather he wasn't used to having it and it's just so bad for him anyway.

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 20/11/2016 21:38

Yanbu at all, that is far too much.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 20/11/2016 21:38

Tell her the dentist has told you to cut back on sugar . I used this excuse a lotWink

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2016 21:38

As a GM I think that's way too much.

One ice-cream, maybe some chocolate and a biscuit if I was going to spoil them. Absolutely no to coke.

Suggest she takes him to the dentist for his next appointment and see what they have to say!

And your DH needs to put a stop to it.

SilentBiscuits · 20/11/2016 21:41

mil has been all 'no ds mummy says you can't have that. I'd let you have it but mummy says you can't.'

Say in a jokey tone "that's right DS, Mummy wants you to grow up with all your teeth intact!"

Xocaraic · 20/11/2016 21:44

Take DS to dentist. Mention while there to nurse or hygienist (and Dentist too if possible ) the amount of sweets DS has at Grandma's. Ask if it is acceptable. As Dentist likely to say no, ensure your son understands the message and the dental risks. Get him to parrot this back to DH and your MiL. So it's no you who is bad guy, it's nasty Dentist. Halo

Yika · 20/11/2016 21:44

YADNBU, I'd be furious. It's fine for other people to slightly diverge from your usual habits but that is a ludicrous amount of sugar and it definitely sounds like a control issue (from her comments making you out to be the 'bad guy'). You shouldn't have to go along to supervise. She should respect your wishes and your DH should back you up. I would let your DS go only once every two weeks for starters, at least that would halve the sugar, and see if it makes any difference to the way she behaves.

GrabbyGrabby · 20/11/2016 22:42

if it's me saying no then I look like the bad guy

Unless there are SN issues then you can easily explain this to your son without being the bad guy. At 7 your son should already be capable of working out what he should and shouldn't eat, (within reason.... 🙃)

Wolfiefan · 20/11/2016 22:47

You don't have a MIL issue. You have a DH issue. He needs to support you and make it clear to his mother that if she continues to overload your child with sugary shit then she will no longer have access.
Some sweets or an ice cream? Fine. All that crap and the associated emotional shit about mummy not letting you have it? What a manipulative woman!!

Potatoooooo · 20/11/2016 22:48

Stop allowing him to take your child around there.
Or at least offer to go with them as well.

Potatoooooo · 20/11/2016 22:52

You need to be more assertive.
Her undermining your choices in front of your son will only cause your son to favour MIL more. She's doing it for a reason.

Your response should have been "Grandma should not be giving you anything that we say she shouldn't, and that's very naughty of her to do so" it will obviously cause tension, but you need to assert that it is wrong to your son, and that we don't play the favouritism game.

Butterymuffin · 20/11/2016 22:59

What's already been said - but also I would say she needs to come to your house to see him, then you can keep an eye on it all.

Cucumber5 · 20/11/2016 23:14

I would tell your mil that if she loved your DS, she'd want him to be healthy. As it stands she's setting him up for diabeties and rotten teeth in the future. Silly woman

OohhThatsMe · 20/11/2016 23:24

Can't she spend her money on something else? She could buy him a comic and a little present with that money.

GrabbyGrabby · 20/11/2016 23:49

OohhThatsMe. That's a much better idea.

Blu · 20/11/2016 23:49

I am usually eye-rolly about these threads and think 'give the MIL a break' and I'm pretty relaxed about sugar etc. But that is a huge lot for one 7 yo in one afternoon.

I would research the amount of sugar in that lot, as a pp suggests, and stack it up in front of your DH. Invite your DH to eat the sugar pile in front of him.

I stopped DP giving DS loads of soft drink by filling a glass with the number of teaspoons of sugar in a can of ginger beer: THIRTEEN SPOONS. I am surprised a can of coke doesn't have more than 5 sugar lumps, tbh.

Dizzybintess · 20/11/2016 23:55

My mil can be the same occasionally the worst was when she took her out for the day and in the space of an hour gave her candy floss, a bright blue slushy, and a bright blue ice cream. Then complained that she was wild!

DonaldStott · 21/11/2016 00:04

Yanbu. I feel like you. Mil is a feeder. She has sil's dd lots. And not being mean, but sil's dd is overweight. Mil is constantly trying to shove shite down the grandkids throats. We now limit our visits due to this issue.

Chelazla · 21/11/2016 00:20

This could be my mum!!! It's what nans are for so I'm told!😂I wouldn't be overly concerned it's once a week, know that's against the grain

MommaGee · 21/11/2016 02:14

Agree you have a lazy / wussy DH problem. Amazed DS hasn't vomited on her carpets yet.

It is surely too much in one go and seemingly knowingly done against your wishes.

I'd go along for a few weeks, sick up being the bad guy - needs must - but explain to DS prior to visit why you limit it

And he definitely shouldn't be on caffeinated drinks at 7!!!

AcrossthePond55 · 21/11/2016 02:58

I think that's ridiculous! It would be fine to have a sweet/salty treat or two over the course of a full day, but not all that! I know that Grannies are meant to spoil, but there's a limit! My mum was known to give my two an extra slice of cake or let them have ice cream without finishing their dinner, and I never had a problem with that.

My BFF is reaping that with her 15 yr old DD. Her mother brought bags of absolute crap over every time she visited. Crisps, biscuits, huge chocolate bars, litre bottles of soda, and then get fast food on top of that! I'd drop by to see her kids parked in front of the TV with a huge bag of crisps, bottle of soda, and a bag of sweets sitting next to them! BFF's DH (to his credit and I don't give him credit for much!) would try to stop it but BFF would overrule. As a result her DD is terribly obese and pretty much addicted to crap food. She's having social problems in school and I'm pretty sure it's down to being so overweight and seeing her friends start to get boyfriends or have boys get crushes on them. Her son (20) was just as bad but he's on his own now and developing better habits plus working a very physical job.

You need to put a stop to it NOW. And listen, part of being a parent IS being the 'bad guy'. It's in the job description!

Clandestino · 21/11/2016 03:05

So once in a week she wants to spoil him a bit. You are so BU, it has it tattooed on its forehead. Make sure he has a balanced diet for the rest of the week and sort out your issues with your MIL.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 21/11/2016 03:20

Dh family are like this and to a degree, Dh is too. He has stopped but only because he know I bin it, however Coke is still his go to but he knows if he ever let dd have it I'd go ape.

The worst thing is I seen a old school photo of his db and his front teeth are black!

There is two issues going on

  1. mils refusal to accept your parenting snd Her boundries

  2. she thinks that they are doing no harm

I'd stop him going. It would be as simple as that. She is encouraging him to binge eat sugary stuff which has lasting effects.

RosieSW · 21/11/2016 04:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMargie · 21/11/2016 04:17

This sort of thing was normal in some families when I was young. It was seen as 'treating' the DCs. Some treat stuffing them with crap, why not make the effort to do something with them that they would enjoy. Totally lazy arse thing to do imo.

With diabetes rates going through the roof those that think it's ok must be in some parallel universe.

Just no.

OwlinaTree · 21/11/2016 05:01

Such a tricky one. Food equals love is the issue here I think. I think you will have to go over too or invite mil over to your place and model it. I like the idea of her buying him a magazine, maybe this could be her weekly treat for him, they could choose together?

You have my sympathies Op, it sounds like you want to enable them to have a relationship and not lose that, but you are right that she needs to cut this right back.

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