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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids from my previous marriage

73 replies

theartistseye · 19/11/2016 23:22

Pleading from opinions from those pref with his kids, my kids situations

My Background:
Terribly Abusive childhood, Incredibly Abusive first marriage (two kids)

Recent past:
Met a very special man, got so much of love and respect from him. He has two kids too from prev marriage (his ex cheated). We got married a year ago. I love him with all my heart and soul and in his words am an incredible wife and he has not known love like I give him ever existed.

We are in a long distance marriage and despite heavy cost have done whatever possible to meet regularly.

Kids legal custody is with neither the ex or me (never filed out of fear of losing them - they were staying with me anyway)

My husband now is American and we have filed for residency for the kids and me.

My ex is a terrible person and has put up all sorts of rules like my kids never allowed to meet my (new) husband. The kids are currently living with the ex - due to complex financial hit that I had. They are unhappy with him but trying to survive. Its a battle and the older one who is 15 is in depression and younger one 11 getting there.

Please don't ask to seek legal help - because it won't happen. Well I could even get them legally soon maybe. In a land where this almost doesn't exist the school has threatened to report the ex's mind games, manipulation, emotional and verbal abuse as the kids are messed up.

But the issue is there will be no settlement (weak laws) and I have lost everything I ever had financially recently.

Husband too comes from a secure background but like me was hit recently and not ready to take them on financially if their father is alive.

My husband now is not allowed to meet my kids - he's met and spent time with them before - but ex has become super abusive and simply won't allow it.

Here is my issue: My husband wants to back off continuing residency for the kids for this reason. To me the kids will feel I abandoned them. They are living with the ex anyway - but live in hope that if things get worse they can join me. I am hoping our financials improve and we can then take them with us. (ex willing to let them go but then says will not pay anything at all and as it stands we can't afford them - top private schools etc)

My husband feels its unfair for him to continue with their application if he can't even meet the kids.

My stand is that decision for him to not meet them is not mine, nor the kids. The kids dote on my husband and are always full of praise of him. My ex being controlling and continue his abuse. Why should my kids or me be punished? We have had terribly tough lives already.

Here I was at the happiest point of my life with my man and now I am having to make a choice...

My darling husband says the only way he will continue with kids residency papers is if the ex allows him to meet them. I understand his pain, but I have been nothing but a supportive wife.

My husband darling has his issues too and I have been nothing but supportive - he suffers from panic and anxiety attacks, almost at PTSD level (due to his ex cheating) with very minor triggers sometimes - I am incredibly tolerant of this and accommodating, having reduced social life drastically, avoiding all male friends and reassuring him as much as I can. He does completely trust me - but the attacks still come on in 'trigger' situations. I mention this only to give a full view of the situation that there are tough issues but I am accepting and dealing with all.

He has said anybody would agree that his stance is right. Hence posting here with his versions bits included. That way we can have fairer understanding.

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 20/11/2016 02:37

But if they can't be moved from their school, why on earth do you think picking them up and moving them to another country is going to be any good for them?

BradleyPooper · 20/11/2016 04:06

What will happen to your business if you move to the USA? Why can't your dh move to where you are rather than you, your dog and your dcs relocating to the USA and you having to move / close your business?

MidniteScribbler · 20/11/2016 06:30

There's so many holes in this story it looks like swiss cheese.

Isetan · 20/11/2016 06:31

There are two seperate issues here, residency and building a life with your new H but you appear to be linking them, when they should be completely independent from one another. Do you seriously think (even if your Ex allows it and there's nothing to suggest beyond his blah blah blah that he will) that moving your traumatised kids to a new country with a man they hardly know with complex issues of his own, is a good idea?

Slowdown, your supposed happy ever after escape from your current existence with H#2 will have to wait because your only priority right now should be gaining residency and giving your children the opportunity to live with their mother again in a home without abuse. Your new H and the promise of a 'new life' is a distraction your kids do not need right now.

sterlingcooper · 20/11/2016 08:50

Midnite and Bradley - OP has said she doesn't live in a First World country. I presume that moving to America would be seen as a massive opportunity for both her kids and herself, and it explains why her DH presumably doesn't want to move to her country.

rosieandjim2 · 20/11/2016 09:22

Confused. Com

Scooby20 · 20/11/2016 09:32

So you have never lived with your husband. Who has panic attacks if you speak to a male friend he has all sorts of issues and isn't supportive of you.

Your kids don't live with you, despite being older and not wanting to live with him.

You need to sort yourselves out. You are waking get from one abusive relationships ship to another

You don't know if you husband is lovely. You have never lived with him day in and day out. And he controls you.

You need to get whatever is going on sorted asap. I am sure that once your oldest turns 18 getting residency in the US will be extremely difficult.

Your kids come first. Sort that. Then think about moving and your dh.

viques · 20/11/2016 09:37

Why are you so against legal advice? If my children's future and happiness was at stake I would be finding the best legal advice I could, not asking random strangers on a message board.

Goodadvice1980 · 20/11/2016 09:40

Why the hell are you married to this guy? Put yr kids first.

You are living in a shit storm with dh2, which seems mostly of your own creation.

Crystal15 · 20/11/2016 09:42

Hmm sounds like you need to stop buying tickets to America and bloody put your kids first. Tell your husband to move here

sterlingcooper · 20/11/2016 09:52

Crystal 'here' is not the UK, it is a developing country.

Pisssssedofff · 20/11/2016 10:00

I can't imagine anyone has been in your exact situation. I moved mine from a country where their father was to another, his choice entirely not to come too (this wasn't home), but gee that was hard enough legally. I'm quite confident with immigration procedures but I paid $5000 I didn't have to get the child custody stuff dealt with.

I do think you need to separate getting the children with you, never mind the schools and then all of you over to your husband. One step at a time

Ellisandra · 20/11/2016 10:19

One thing is certain: husband number 2 is also abusive, and whatever you do about your kids should be unrelated to him.

BratFarrarsPony · 20/11/2016 10:26

As others have said, you have to ditch this 'husband' that doesnt live with you, has a panic attack if you talk to other men (controlling much?) and wont support your children, and concentrate on your children.

Pisssssedofff · 20/11/2016 10:39

I guess the question is do you want to go to America ? Is that the best option for you and the kids? If so stick with husband number 2 until the paperwork is fine then consider your options again when you're in the USA together. B

MorrisZapp · 20/11/2016 10:42

Why not just say in simple sentences what your actual issue is? Instead your op is like a bad romance novel written in sanskrit.

Lostwithinthehills · 20/11/2016 10:44

Wow. I can't give any advice about immigration / emigration, and I'm sure the legal system in your country is different to the UK so I can't begin to give an thoughts on that. However, I can see that you are jumping from one disaster to another.

Your children live with their father because you have experienced a financial calamity that has left you penniless and homeless.
Your first marriage collapsed because your ex, your children's father was abusive.
You have met (how?) and married a man who lives in a different country (continent?). Your new husband is already controlling who you speak to and placing conditions on your relationship with your children.
Your new husband has also suffered a financial calamity.
You are considering moving away from everything you know to be with a (controlling) man you have never lived with.

I think the first thing you do is work out a plan and timeline to restore your financial security and independence. Then you stick to that plan and get yourself your own home. Once you have a home and income you get your children back living with you. Then you start worrying about moving countries. Your new husband will support you in all this and if he doesn't he is not the man you say he is.

Your children come first.

WiggleYourWoo · 20/11/2016 10:51

Op,

So your exH says the children can't meet your H before they move out

and your H says your kids can't have their immigration papers sorted until he meets them

They are as bad as each other don't you think? Both put impossible stupid conditions in place trying to control you.

And you are stuck in between them because you can't afford your kids living with you to meet the conditions the two men put on you.

So basically they put you in the position where you need to choose which man is going to control you. If you abandon your kids and move to the US alone your "lovely" husband wins. If you stay where you are for your kids and end your marriage then it's your ex who is going to continue to control you.

Looks like your marriage was a desperate attempt to sort the situation with your ex and it didn't work out - you picked the wrong man to marry.

GinIsIn · 20/11/2016 10:55

Legal advice is exactly what you need because nobody on the internet is going to be able to unpick this mess for you.

Why did you choose to get married again without first checking that your new 'D'H would support you in your fight your DC? And it is NOT normal to have panic attacks if you speak to another man. I'm sorry but he doesn't sound 'darling' at all.

sterlingcooper · 20/11/2016 10:55

I think on balance, without knowing which country you live in, moving to America probably isn't the best thing to do right now. TBH I can sort of understand why your DH would be reluctant to sign documents saying he will take on financial responsibility for your children in the US when he hasn't even met them. But really he should have thought that through and made that clear before marrying you, and part of me thinks that maybe the not having met them thing is an excuse, and if it wasn't that he'd be finding some other reason to drag his heels about this.

Are you sure he's just not having second thoughts about the whole thing? He really doesn't sound like a great partner as it stands with the whole not wanting you to see your male friends...alarm bells going off there. Regardless of whether it's because his ex did a number in him and made him paranoid, that doesn't change the fact that YOU are now having to live with the consequences of that and it's hardly a nice way to start a marriage.

I think you need to concentrate on getting your kids back to living with you, then presumably they can meet your DH because your ex will have no sway at that point, and then you can reassess and take things from there.

Pisssssedofff · 20/11/2016 10:56

Wrong men to marry.
However the judging going on is as if she's in the UK with the benefit of benefits and free education etc. We know nothing of this woman's circumstances so please do put some thought into the tone and language of your replies.

charlyn · 20/11/2016 10:58

I don't really understand why you say your kids cant leave their schools but then you are planning on moving them to another country?
The fact that youve never lived with your husband, your kids have never lived with your husband or with you for however long and yet you plan on all living together in a foreign country sounds a recipe for disaster to me.

Allthebestnamesareused · 20/11/2016 17:11

Have you met your husband in person or has this all been over the internet?

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