Kids from my previous marriage

[theartistseye]

Pleading from opinions from those pref with his kids, my kids situations

My Background:
Terribly Abusive childhood, Incredibly Abusive first marriage (two kids)

Recent past:
Met a very special man, got so much of love and respect from him. He has two kids too from prev marriage (his ex cheated). We got married a year ago. I love him with all my heart and soul and in his words am an incredible wife and he has not known love like I give him ever existed.

We are in a long distance marriage and despite heavy cost have done whatever possible to meet regularly.

Kids legal custody is with neither the ex or me (never filed out of fear of losing them - they were staying with me anyway)

My husband now is American and we have filed for residency for the kids and me.

My ex is a terrible person and has put up all sorts of rules like my kids never allowed to meet my (new) husband. The kids are currently living with the ex - due to complex financial hit that I had. They are unhappy with him but trying to survive. Its a battle and the older one who is 15 is in depression and younger one 11 getting there.

Please don't ask to seek legal help - because it won't happen. Well I could even get them legally soon maybe. In a land where this almost doesn't exist the school has threatened to report the ex's mind games, manipulation, emotional and verbal abuse as the kids are messed up.

But the issue is there will be no settlement (weak laws) and I have lost everything I ever had financially recently.

Husband too comes from a secure background but like me was hit recently and not ready to take them on financially if their father is alive.

My husband now is not allowed to meet my kids - he's met and spent time with them before - but ex has become super abusive and simply won't allow it.

Here is my issue: My husband wants to back off continuing residency for the kids for this reason. To me the kids will feel I abandoned them. They are living with the ex anyway - but live in hope that if things get worse they can join me. I am hoping our financials improve and we can then take them with us. (ex willing to let them go but then says will not pay anything at all and as it stands we can't afford them - top private schools etc)

My husband feels its unfair for him to continue with their application if he can't even meet the kids.

My stand is that decision for him to not meet them is not mine, nor the kids. The kids dote on my husband and are always full of praise of him. My ex being controlling and continue his abuse. Why should my kids or me be punished? We have had terribly tough lives already.

Here I was at the happiest point of my life with my man and now I am having to make a choice...

My darling husband says the only way he will continue with kids residency papers is if the ex allows him to meet them. I understand his pain, but I have been nothing but a supportive wife.

My husband darling has his issues too and I have been nothing but supportive - he suffers from panic and anxiety attacks, almost at PTSD level (due to his ex cheating) with very minor triggers sometimes - I am incredibly tolerant of this and accommodating, having reduced social life drastically, avoiding all male friends and reassuring him as much as I can. He does completely trust me - but the attacks still come on in 'trigger' situations. I mention this only to give a full view of the situation that there are tough issues but I am accepting and dealing with all.

He has said anybody would agree that his stance is right. Hence posting here with his versions bits included. That way we can have fairer understanding.

I would love to hear the ex's side of this story. I bet all is not as it seems.

@Lonnyvonny Current husband, has anxiety attacks - I just see some symptoms of PTSD (I had PTSD). I did suggest on our last time together (last week) that he needs help and he said that he is sure its the distance that makes him very uneasy with my male friends, but if I feel he needs to see a doctor he would.

Why would your ex say he'll let them move abroad permanently to live with you and your husband, but he won't let them meet your husband? How does that work?

@Midnite - yes you may, but he has BPD and its beyond any normal husband wife fights. He has a good heart probably, but his condition and refusal to seek help makes him very unstable. So he provides everything for the children financially, he doesn't hit them - but there is a lot of screaming and yelling for almost no reason, worse is the control thing - like randomly taking away their devices when they are doing homework etc. Daughter bereaved of her best friend's death recently and he yells at her for being sad.. and the like

Yes of course they will feel abandoned, because you are abandoning them

This

I can't get past the fact that you married someone who wouldn't support your children.

In order to decide if your DH is being irrational we'd need to know what process you're going through. If you're currently in another country and he's pursing a CR-1 visa for you (and the kids) then it makes complete sense to suspend their applications until they can come with you. I'm sure you're aware that the visa expires and the children would need to enter the US within a certain time frame to "activate" them. I'm sure you're also aware that there are medicals, interviews etc that your children would need to attend and if your ex doesn't consent to his children leaving the country it's a complete waste of money. Have you actually looked at what's required before they'll issue the visa? Last time I looked you needed proof of custody (a court order you're unwilling to get right now) or proof of his consent.

If you're already in the US and doing a I-465 application then it makes sense to do them all together (to save money) but it still needs your ex's agreement.

That said, there is NOTHING legally stopping him/you from pursuing the application at another date, just makes better financial sense. It does NOT prevent your children from eventually coming with you.

I'm with your DH in either event actually, especially knowing what I do about US immigration. Until the custody stuff is sorted out there's really no point in pursuing the immigration process for your kids... and honestly that includes for you as well if you don't want to leave without them.

Cross-post.

It IS "unfair" that he can't meet or spend time with the kids. If I were him I would feel like a ticket to a GC and not a partner/spouse. If he is expected to sign on to financially support them for the forseeable (there's a form) then I would want more from you and them than he's currently getting.

You do not have a custody agreement, there's no guarantee they'd even pass the visa process based on that alone. Can you imagine that immigration interview "I'm sure the kids are great, I'm not allowed to spend time with them though".

I'm not sure your relationship would pass the vigorous requirements of an immigration interview.

I can't imagine even contemplating walking away from DC's who I know are depressed and who need my support (100x more knowing they are living with a man I believe to be abusive). Perhaps your own childhood makes it harder for you to value your contribution as their mother.

I think you should let new husband crack on with building his life in America, while you prioritise your DC's. Once they are safe and happy, you can rethink your future plans.

The Ex when I tried to talk to him and the once he wasn't yelling and was calm said he believes that he is horrible and the kids would like anyone else in comparison to him. Says he knows kids would want to be with me if they spent time with any other 'dad' and all he has left it the kids after I divorced him.

he is insecure and says the kids must never see him again if they see their step dad even once.

I am not in the US yet and where I am there are no public schools.

My husband is really a wonderful man - we all have our issues and he does have a lot of trauma related to the cheating (can't get in to details). I have decided to keep at working on getting the kids and if my husband sees that he is being controlling he can find his way back. I too felt that way, but he kept insisting it was not normal for the ex to disallow any form of meeting (no phone calls even). Its not normal - but he should be on my side and not let the ex's shit win.

We have the ex's okay to take the kids and its only a matter of timing that they can't talk to their step dad.

I have been by his side in everything and simply everything. Yes - he has moved the world for us to be together too - but my kids must be included in this.

I can't have this again.

OP are you in a country then that treats women like second class citizens? as that's what it sounds like. I'm just wondering if you have rushed into this marriage for all the wrong reasons? - security and to get out of your home country? Sounds like you're in an awful situation, hope you manage to sort something out.

To all those asking about Custody - Ex is willing to sign them off. Its CR-1.

DH has spent time with them - chat to them etc in the past. The ex wasn't informed then. We then did so - to make sure he know and all hell broke loose.

Ex has these conditions that they must leave in one go - as in they can't see DH and go back to him.

, do the children know they will be forced to choose between seeing their mother or seeing their father?

You have the "ex's okay" which is apparently worth jack shit seeing he won't even "let" the kids meet your husband. His okay is NOT ENOUGH for immigration. Most of the time they require a court order. I seriously think you need to look into the requirements for taking the kids overseas and think about the logistics of getting this.

You keep saying your DH needs to be on your side and not let the ex's shit win but that's exactly what YOU are doing. You're siding with the ex and allowing him to control this for an easy life. You aren't standing up for your DH and saying "of course the kids are meeting my husband don't be ridiculous".

You should put the entire thing on hold until you've sorted out the custody stuff, including permission to move them overseas. Then once there's custody in place your DH can meet the kids and re-start (or continue) the process for you all to immigrate.

just wanted to add my 2 cents from someone educated in immigration laws etc, you wont be able to get papers for your kids, im sorry but your ex is considered legal guardian so it is against the law to do so, if they lived with you then different story, then you can go to court and fight for the right too.

but the way it stands at the moment... you will not be able to.

Cross-post again. No. You NEED to get the custody stuff in writing and in whatever acceptable immigration form. If his decision is the kids stop seeing him once they see your DH then introduce have then see your DH now and get the process sorted.

They live with him right now. None of this sounds like a good idea... ripping them from their father and moving overseas never to see their father again... they're going to need some counselling to deal with all this change

nvm, just read previous posts, although he still needs too actually sign them into your full custody

@Restless - one of the first things he spoke about when we got serious was getting a bigger home so all kids could live together and comfortably.

Not just kids we were working on moving our dog too.

My husband did file for the kids also. Its since we made sure ex was aware of everything that kids were meeting their step dad also (we honestly all of us thought of course he knew - they were living with me then). All hell broke loose and he refused to let them meet again.

My husband has not taken this well and I understand it is hurtful that he can't even see them over Christmas with his extended family but I can't leave the kids.

@skyadelic - ex has given a notarised letter (non-judicial) that he is okay with them moving. Immigration lawyers informed its enough. That was submitted and approved by USCIS. Its at NVC now.

I am really struggling to work out what is happening here.

You are married to your husband but live in different countries. Your ex also lives in a third different country with your two DC.

You have no money so they live with your ex. Who is abusive to them.

You have had to spend lots of money travelling to see your DH.

Is that right so far?

@skyadelic - no one is ripping them away from their dad. Please understand the kids don't want to stay with him. This is not my opinion. They are staying there because I cannot keep them at the moment. My younger one has slight special needs and she needs to remain in the expensive school. Older one is a genius student and we were asked to put her there and she wanted to be there. Of course there is much more than I can post.

Its just a matter of timing. Once all papers are done and hopefully finances sort around then - they have slightly gotten better and I am currently looking for a new place to move in. Am doing a trial there tonight - if it works kids move in with me next week.

But still when DH flies over the kids will have to go back to ex. He has a maid and cook there and works later hours so for short periods they can ignore him.

@ AyeAmork

Kids, Ex and me are in one country

DH in the US

DH been flying over to see me

We are not poor as in poverty line. Kids current expenses are about USD80K per annum. So DH not flying over would not have changed things. Its a very expensive city and between house rent, school fees I am unable to afford all due to my crunch was paying for it all before.

I don't own property and went through a massive business loss that was freak and not insurable to put in a few words. Its a expensive city and I then took on to living as a Paying Guest. Kids can't live with me in one room. They have tried - but not happening.

This has been on for 8 months. I have now collected enough to get my own place (rental) comfortable one but still can't pay their fees etc. Kids likely move in next week - but they can't meet DH still as per ex's conditions.

The ex and I have been divorced for 8 years. He still is trying to sabotage whatever he can and still wants me back.

But your ex can't dictate that your DC can't see your DH. You're giving him too much power. It's none of his business.

PerspicaciaTick - They are grown up kids 15 and 11, fully aware of everything. This is not one of the cases where they want to at all live with their dad.

BlueFolly - I don't think I am. I am trying very hard to get financials in place to fully afford them. Just got enough to move them in with me.

Money has become the biggest issue, kids cannot be moved from their school for basic reasons I mentioned earlier and more complex reasons like my older daughter losing her best friend to death and her second best friend being in the same school - they are each other's life line. I cannot mention everything on here as I said before. but I cannot downgrade school or expenses on extra curricular/help. I have to earn it and then agree with their dad's condition to never see him again and never expect any financial support.

He doesn't mind if they stay with me as they have for several years. He just wants liberty to walk into our home or have them over and give us random shit.

Ex knows once the kids know how it feels to be with a dad who cares they won't put up with his shit.

As much as I am trying to understand DHs stance, I am struggling to understand it and hence told him its either all our papers or none. As he has spent time with kids before - we have been together for a while now and over time he has spent time in person or long chats over Skype with them. Yes they have become cut off now - to keep with their dad's conditions.

Kids love their school (nothing like that where DH lives) and wanted to try finish another year here and tolerate ex (their choice) and then move or if things get bad agree with ex to never see them again earlier. Its up in the air - as we don't know when our processing will finish, end of school year timing, financials, so if they do stay DH may not have contact with them in person for over a year from now.

There's a huge difference between choosing not to live with a parent and choosing never to see them again.